Some of my favorite ways to piss people off...

Don't you just love pissing people off?  Sometimes when I have a day where everyone and everything is pissing me off, it's fun to go out and piss other people off.  Here's a few favorites:

I love to get in the fast lane and do the speed limit.  I mean it is the fast lane and if the speed limit is 55, isn't 55 the fastest you can go?  Then I mouth, "The speed limit is 55," as they roar past me in the slow lane.



Sit and wait for 10 minutes in my car in a parking lot with a car behind me.  Then wave to some nonexistent person and drive off.

Stand in express line at the grocery store and act like I am counting items in everyone's cart.  Then make sure I have over 25 items when I check out.

Roll down my window in my car and yell at the guy honking behind me, "Jeez, let me finish my text!"

Telling my kids "No," when they say, "Can I tell you something."

Telling my kids, "Hi Hungry," when they tell me they are hungry.  Then they say, "I'm mad," and I reply, "I thought you were hungry."

Tell someone I don't know that she really is glowing with the aura of pregnancy.

Wait until I see someone going for that last cantelope, then grab it before she gets there, then smile at her.

Don't use my turn signal, then wave and mouth, "Love you," to the guy flipping me the bird.

Explain that my little dog's poop is the same size as all the goose poop that litters my neighbor's yard.

Say to my friends, "Can I ask you a serious question?"  Then say, "Never mind, it's not important anyway."

Houston We Have A Problem - Apollo 13 Live at Milton Rhodes Center for the Arts

No wait, that wasn’t said right, “HOUSTON, we HAVE a problem.”

I had the joy of taking 3 boys to see Apollo 13 Live at the Milton Rhodes Center for the Arts last night.  Created by Kip Chapman and Brad Newstubb, this was a live take on the mission of Apollo 13, a story of bravery and quick thinking from 1970 that brough 3 astronauts home despite major complications.  When you first check at Rhoades center, you are welcomed to Houston, given a console badge or a press badge.  The waiting area for the show was filled with memorabilia from that mission and our country’s space problem, which meant giving the boys a history lesson as we looked at old pictures, watched old footage, and touched artifacts.

This show is meant to put the guest right in the middle of the action.  Guests are seated in either press seats around Mission Control or in front of a console in Mission Control.  Either way you feel a part of the action, once the show begins, you are treated as part of it.  The best seats, a little bit more expensive, but well worth it, are the Console seats, giving guests a chance to work buttons, speak lines, or become part of a TV interview.  Jason White and Sam Berkley are great as commanders while Ashleigh Hawkins provides some awesome comic relief as himself.  Of course, Gareth Williams as Walter Cronkite was a great way to get information out and keep the show moving along.

One lucky guest was chosen as the “third” astronaut for the mission.  It was great to watch them think they were coming in for a show, then put with actors, Ben Van Lier and Byron Coll as astronauts and play a astronaut for the length of the show.  The show happens around you, the best entertainment in  the expressions of audience as they were called to play parts they didn’t know they were playing, how they ad libbed when asked a question.  One of my favorites was to our astronaut, Mary Beth when asked  “So how much training have you had for this mission,”  and her answer, “Well Walter, very little if nothing.”  She was also great acting when they were in an antigravity situation.  Our audience went from hesitantly saying lines, to everyone jumping from the chairs and cheering with each success.  This is a show you can very easily get caught up in.

The script was well written from the news stories brought to us by Walter Cronkite, our astronauts on screen, and the events of Mission Control.  This is a great time for the family, and to show how much the boys liked it, one commented at the end, “How did they get back from outer space so quick.”

Apollo 13 Live is running in Winston Salem through February 10^th.  Seating for the consoles is limited, so get your tickets early.  Visit their website www.apollo13live.com

Cool or Cruel?

I just read an article about a "pastor" who wrote a note on a receipt that said, "I give God 10%, why should I give you 18%"  The article explained that the pastor was part of a group of 20 people and that the waiter at the restaurant had already added a tip of 18% to the bill with an another line for "additional tip."  The "pastor" then put a 0 in the line for additional tip.

Leading with this caused several different questions to come to mind, made me wonder did we get the whole story?

He added 18%.  In my book if a waiter decides that he/she is going to automatically add the tip, then they add what they get.  If they take the chance and don't add the tip, then usually I am generous.  Do systems now automatically add in a tip with groups over 6 people?  Or did the waiter have the choice to add the tip or not add the tip?

Since when do we automatically add 18%?  Traditionally, 15% was automatically added to large parties, with the notion that if the service was good another 3% was added, if the service was excellent another 5% was added.  Why are we automatically rewarding possible mediocre service with a "good" tip?  If you choose to work for a living as a server, then your tip should reflect your work ethic, if you know you are doing a great job, leave the tip blank.

Since when is a tip ever guaranteed?  TIP - to insure prompt service.  Just like everything else we're guaranteed to win even if we don't put in the work.

Scribbling on receipts has become a trend, where people can still remain anonymous and voice their opinion without any repercussions.  Just like posting comments on the internet.  This pastor probably didn't realize that his scribbled receipt would become a news story.  Makes you wonder if the leading part of the story is that he a pastor that gives 10% to God or that he didn't tip the waiter.

So what are your thoughts?  Should tip be automatically included?  Should it now automatically be 18% when it used to be 15%?  Do you give your 10% to God - do you do it as willingly as you tip the waiter for service?

By the way, another big lesson learned - there's always people watching, whatever you do may end up on the Internet.  Think twice before you react.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For DaT!

 I've been having fun with the Sweet Brown Meme with my kids, we decided to put together a list for you.

Here's a list of things I don't have time for:

10.  Please stop 25 feet behind the school bus when the lights are on red.

9.  To preserve your equipment, please eject the USB device prior to removal.

8.  Slow controlled turns help you ski down the mountain in control.

7.  Please wait while your movie is buffering.

6.  "So and so wants to be your friend on Facebook."

5.  "Would you like Windows to install critical updates?"

4.  "Please allow time for the urine to pass through the test window.

3.  "Please take time to read and understand the license user agreement?"

2.   For best flavor, please allow time for the beer head to settle.

1.  Sleep, ain't nobody got time for that!

Words for the Week - Give Yourself A Hug

Give Yourself A Hug

Four simple words with a big impact on your week.  You know what?  It's OK to be you, in fact there is no one else out there exactly like you - you are unique.

"Be yourself, everyone else is taken." - Abraham Lincoln

Accept everything that is you.  Laugh at some of the things you do.  Make a mistake, tuck it away and simply move on.

We try too hard to be perfect.  You know what, so do I.  But if I waited for anything to be perfect, I'd have nothing to show, because nothing is perfect.  So give yourself a hug and be who YOU want to be, not what others are expecting.

Think about it.

Hugging is fat free, organic and sweet with out the sugar.

Hugs are inflation proof and require no advance payment or installments.

A hug for 20 seconds releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes a person trust you more.

Hug reduce stress, in a study, couple who watched a movie holding hands and hugged at the end had much lower stress levels than those who didn't.

So for the next week, give yourself a hug because you are amazing.  Give others a hug because that part of you is special to them.  

Have you hugged yourself lately?

My 50 Shades of Points

You know you and I HATE all the sex jokes, I mean cum on people!  Here's a honest list on how to please your better half.

10.  I actually pick up dog shit.  Yes, I know he was the one saying we really didn't need a dog, but rather than arguing, I pick up the dog shit.

9.  We have come to an agreement, I don't smell any article of clothing of the family to see if it is dirty.  period.

8.  I can watch a football game and give a better commentary then most ESPN anchors.

7.  I have no problem eating wings, or potato skins, or a big steak.  You'll never find me saying, "oh, I'm sorry - but I'm not sure that bowl of chili was made with grassfed, organic, sunshine loving ground beef.  Heck, I even enjoyed a Skeeter-dog at Skeeter's Hot dogs."

6.  I can take it in the butt, I mean, loving all those high butter, full of salt sauces he loves to cook and suffer for the next few days because it is worth it.

5.  I do not nag.  I get even, once they understand that  - enough is said.

4.  I am pleasant.  No, I am not talking about to look at (though, well, never mind) I actually smile when he walks through the door.  Not the 1950's dressed with my makeup repaired and pearls on smile, a "well lookee here, another adult is in the house.  Time for some real conversation."

3.  I do not expect him to act like the dudes in my romance novels.  Oh, did I just let out that I read romance novels?  Ooops.

2.  I do not make him go to the circus, or the Fair, or Disney World.  Sometimes it's much easier to do this myself than listen to 6 hours of, "how much are we spending?  should they be eating that?  do I have to ride on It's A Small World AGAIN?"

1.  If it is my idea, I run with it.  Pulling another person down, "well it seemed like a good idea at the time" is not a pleasant experience.

Hitting that edge...

My son had a spout of syncope.  We were sitting and watching The Aristocats and next thing I know he's on the floor in front of me.  I help him up into a chair, explaining that he simply got up too quickly, not enough blood to the brain, so his body lays him out on the floor to facilitate the blood to where it needs to go.  He freaked out, I remained calm.  He's got a scrape on the chin, a bruise on the cheek and a busted lip.

First rule of what you should not do - go to WebMD and research what just happened.  This is almost like reading the last chapters of What To Expect When Expecting, because it doesn't say - he needs iron, he's dehydrated it immediately talks about heart problems and brain seizures.

Why did I even read that,  I let my guard down and went to that bad place.

That place where you sit and think, "things have been too good.  the other shoe has to drop sometime soon, doesn't it?"

First thoughts are, "What have I done wrong?"  Have I fed him enough vegetables?  Has he gotten enough calcium.  Why am I not more like my friends that feed their kids the right diet?  Do I even have any vegetables in the house?

Having already been through the pain of losing people I love - any time someone gets sick, or there is a change in my body - I go to the worst possible place.  I see the WebMD illness, not a simple flu.  Sitting in the ICU with them.  The coward in me doesn't want to have to go through tragedy again - the endless consults with doctors, the waiting for treatment to begin, the helplessness of witnessing their fear and the debilitating knowledge that you can't do anything about it.  I see yourself back in that hospital, making those decisions that control someone else's life, and then living with the consequences.  

Then I feel guilty that things are good.  I expect something has to go wrong, that for some reason I deserve it.  I tell myself that we are fine, but I sit and wonder all night - checking his breathing just like when he was a little baby and I couldn't believe God gave me this amazing creature, it couldn't be true!

But they are fine, it is a simple episode, life for them merrily goes on.  So I do what Moms do,  you take a deep breath and pull myself away from the edge and continue on.  I hold them as close as I can, then let them loose smiling as I take one more look over that edge then walk away.

Do you ever go to that edge?

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

This preview is rated for all audiences.

Can you survive the stench of moldy socks?  Can you get away from old underwear?  Kelly Melang, quiet country domestic engineer finds herself trapped in a house with two monsters.  Can she figure out what that yellow sticky stuff is on the floor?  Will she be able to clean it so it really goes away?  Or is it a sign of something more sinister?  There’s movement in the house and she cannot get away from it.  She wants to believe her family is this sweet stick people that are plastered on the back of her minivan, but behind the broken screen door there is something MORE.  There is a dog that likes to chew tiny holes into every comforter in the home, while pulling out the stuffing.  There is something wet on the floor in the bathroom.  There is something lightly glowing in the back of the refrigerator.  And she isn’t sure what that noise is that is keeping her up all night.

Can our heroine navigate through the dirty clothes in their room?  Can she find what’s in the fridge that smells and get it safely out to the garbage.  Can she reclaim all of her dishes from under their bed?   And our big question - can she make it through the day?

Coming to a theatre near you - The Return of the Zombie Socks, a story so horrifying it will have you on the edge of your seat as you hear Kelly say, “What is that smell?”

Rated PG-13, not for young children who haven’t adopted the bad habits of their older siblings yet.

You have a kid? Then you get it.

Kids can get stuck in anything.  Because kids will stick a body part in anything.  Like a finger in an electric pencil sharpener.  A toe in the bathroom faucet (OK, I was guilty of this one)  If it involves small children and climbing, don't wear the cute shoes - you are on your way up there to get them.

Kids will break everything.  The more expensive it is, the quicker they will break it.  Better yet, they will take your favorite item apart, then put it back together - oh, except for this one piece.  "I'm not sure where it goes."

Kids cannot control themselves with buttons.  If they see a button, they have to press it.  Many, many times.  Until they break it.  Do not let children lose in that nuclear plant tour.  This is why child lock was invented for cars, not to keep kids in, to keep them from breaking your power windows.

The evil color to children is white.  This is why they have to stain it as quickly as possible, usually with Taco Bell grease then day after you bought the item.  Again, the cost of the item purchased usually determines how quickly they stain it.  They will stain it immediately especially if it belongs to you.

Kids are mean.  They can be sitting like little angels.  Then think, "I wonder.  Will it hurt if someone threw this Algebra book at me?  Let me try this on my little brother."

Younger siblings usually deserve it.  Because they sit next to the older sibling whispering under their breath, "Spongebob Squarepants" over and over again, knowing that it is bothering them.  Then they cry and wonder why they just got beat up for "doing nothing."

Kids are still developing their brains, that's why they don't use them.  So get used to questions like, "Is it real" when you are driving by and point out a pretty horse standing in a pasture.

Do not part with anything important to you.  Especially giving it to your children.  The amount you spent on that item, coupled with how important it is to you will determine how quickly they will lose it.

Kids are not cheap labor.  The money you spend at the therapist the next day after deciding that they will cook dinner one night, is more than simply cooking the meal yourself.  Coupled with the embarrassment of explaining everything to the firemen and the insurance company.

Kids are infuriating, but seriously who would have it any other way?  Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a Honey Boo Boo?

25 hard truths of being a Mom

25.  You will never sleep through the night again.  Ever.

24.  Hand sanitizer is your perfume - of choice.

23.  There will be a permanent indentation that fits a Lego piece perfectly on the bottom of your foot.

22.  There is no such thing as a HOT cup of coffee.

21.  You free time will be when you tell everyone you're going to the bathroom to take a nice......

20.  There are calories in Macaroni and Cheese, your thighs are telling you.

19.  Tomato, in every Mom's book, is considered a vegetable.

18.  Spandex was invented by Moms.

17.  TV will become your best friend, just behind X-Box.

16.  Your sense of smell will become perfect - especially if it involves dog poop.

15.  You'll never look down at your boobs the same again.

14.  "Wow, that's great," is the perfect praise you can give, especially if you didn't hear a word they said.

13.  Wining not whining is your preferred method of communication.

12.  No one, I repeat, no one will be talking about your flaming volcano cake for the 2nd grade Spring snack a year later.

11.  That secret drawer, the one with those "special" books and items - well, your kids have already been through it - twice.

10.  Cup holders are your best friend - on the stroller, attached to the beach chair.  They keep that "Mom Juice" from getting spilled.

9.  Your easiest hairstyle involves leftover food, and dried milk.  Only you can smell it.

8.  Your kids are energy suckers on the teat of your life - if you let them, they'll suck it all right out of you.

7.  The first time you pee alone, you'll have performance anxiety because you are used to an audience.

6.  In the beginning you'll relish the silence, until you live through the messes left behind it.

5.  Your child will become the best chaperone you ever had before marriage.

4.  It's OK to ignore your children and say, "My God, who's kids are those," when they are in a dog fight in the middle of the cereal aisle.

3.  You'll be overcome with the uncontrollable urge to do something cruel, like drive away and leave them in the house when they are taking 15 minutes to put on their socks.  And another 15 to put on their shoes.

2.  Please really is a magic word.  You'll be amazed at what you do after hearing the word please.

1.  You really will miss them when they move out.  Really.

What would you add to the list?

A four letter, I mean four word post....

I love Patti Digh http://www.37days.com/daily-rock and just finished a book about simplifying life but stopping and thinking of four word statements that make a difference.

Always give away change.....

Today, when I pay cash for anything, I plan on giving away the change.  I'll add it to a tip jar, go and put it in the meter of cars sitting on the street, hand it to the newspaper man selling at the corner.  Because the act of giving away is so much more satisfying that holding onto it and spending it on yourself.  And change may not seem like much to me, but it could mean the difference of a $40 parking ticket to someone trying to make the meter, or it could be lunch for someone, or it could be the counting them satisfaction of a day working hard.  It makes a difference.

Did you know that J.K. Rowling lost her BILLIONAIRE status and dropped to millionaire from her charitable giving?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/15/forbes-billionaire-list-rowling_n_1347176.html


What a difference she is making in people's lives not just by her actions but by the result of her actions? Do you have a giving plan for your family?  Do you give your 10%?  Do you realize what a difference this would make?

Always give away change.......

Here's a great charity that's making a difference in Uganda, they are selling Chicken Pies for $15 to help mission trips, helping children.  This charity is currently completing a piggery in a small village that will make a difference in many lives.  Small change big difference.

www.ekissa.com

Flash Fiction - Seemed like a good idea at the time

A prompt that included - A Weird Western, A Heist, and A Rare Bottle of Whiskey.  Here ya go.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

The two women stood in the middle of the sheriff’s office, hands in cuffs, standing so close that their shoulders touched - a show of support for each other.  One was dressed in her fancy clothes, velvet skirt, light blouse, small black jacket, her long black hair was pulled back in a long braid.  While one was feminine, the other was the opposite - legs in leather chaps, a pair of jeans, black leather vest and a well worn cowboy hat on her head.  Kelly had an empty gun holster around her waist, while the gun from the pocket of Beth's skirt sat on the desk.  Best friends since childhood, known for the trouble that followed them.

Sheriff Livingstone was not enjoying things one bit, “Now tell me one more time why you two were out walking alone on a road that Nigel Chauncery's wagon disappeared on the night before?”

Beth took a deep breath, “We were just catching some great mountain air, Sheriff."

Kelly smiled sweetly at him, “Right, What's wrong with taking a nice long walk to clear the mind.”

Sheriff Livingstone sighed deeply, “Ladies, I know for a fact that in a few minutes Nigel Chauncery is going to walk through that door demanding that I throw you two in jail for robbery.  He’s been over at the saloon yelling about it ever since his wagon went missing.  So you better get your story straight before he gets here."

"Well, there's a slight problem with the wagon," Kelly added.

"Problem?  Other than you two were walking back into town without it," the Sheriff asked.

“It never went missing, it's just a big misunderstanding,” Beth replied.

“That’s not the story I am getting from Nigel. I’m going to have to throw you in jail.”

Beth looked at Kelly who looked at the floor, “Can you uncuff us first Sheriff?  It may be a little easier if we do not look like criminals.”

Sheriff looked at them, then pulled a key from his belt.  “Now that’s the first good idea you ladies have come up with today.”

He un-cuffed them and as he was putting them back on his belt, the door to his office slammed open as Nigel Chauncery and two of his men came storming into the room.

“Sheriff, I want these two thrown in jail for thievery!”

“Now Nigel, take a step back…”

“Where is the wagon!  I want to see that wagon!” he walked over to the women, “What did you do with my wagon?”

Beth smiled at her boyfriend, how in the world did she think that skinny face was handsome?  “What wagon?"

Nigel’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her, “What wagon, my wagon!  The one that I use every day to go to Spielertown.  That wagon.”

"But it's your wagon."

"Precisely, it is my wagon, not your wagon - so where is it."

"Well, if it is your wagon, then why would I have it?"  Beth looked innocent.

"Because you stole it, that's why you have it," he screamed.

"I'm getting confused, who's wagon are we talking about," one of Nigel's men asked.

"MINE!  MY WAGON!  ONE THAT I OWN!  THAT THESE TWO STOLE," Nigel spit out.

"Well, if I have it then where is it," Kelly asked.

"I don't know where it is, that's why you're going to jail, you have it, I want it, it's mine, now give it back," he looked like a small child having a temper tantrum."

"We don't have it," Beth said.

"I know that.  Where did you put it," Nigel asked.

“We were planning on borrowing the wagon , but the wagon was borrowed from us by some very nice men.  They  told us they’d return it by sundown.”

Nigel looked like he would explode, “And who were these guys?”

Kelly smiled at him, “We’d never met them before, they said they were friends of yours Tom and Gerald Blackman.”

Nigel ran his hands through his hair, then looked at them.  “Did they say where they were taking it?”

Beth shrugged, “they said something about an auction?”

Nigel paced, “They are going to cost me a lot of money.”

The Sheriff looked at him, “Why, what will they auction?”

Nigel looked at them, “There’s high stakes poker game in Spielertown this weekend, only big players.  They were coming for the auction of Devil's Dare.”

“Devil's Dare, what’s that”  Kelly asked.

“It’s a blend of whiskey, very rare, they only make 8 bottles a year.  I was able to buy one, and it was part of the game.  It was my buy in.”

Kelly looked over at Beth, who’s mouth was in a silent O as her hand slowly came up to cover it.

One of Nigel's men coughed, “Boss, if we leave now, we can make Spielertown before the game and get the bottle from the Blackmans, we can get it back from them before the game.”

Nigel looked at him, “Great idea.  Guys, let’s get moving.”

They left the office, ran over to their horses and rode out of town, a large cloud of dust following them.

The Sheriff turned to the ladies, "You ladies are amazing.  You took that wagon, dumped it with the Blackmans and kept the bottle of whiskey for yourselves.  Genius.  Now where do you think we should sell it?  Head over to Goldverton?  or just keep going until the next big city?"

“Well…”  Kelly looked over at Beth.

“Hmmm,” Beth agreed.

“What?”  The Sheriff asked.

“That could be a problem,” Kelly said quietly.

“Just a wee small problem,” Beth added.

“Ladies, what kind of problem,” the Sheriff asked hands moving to his hips.

“The whiskey,” Kelly said quietly.

“Yes, that’s just a small problem,” Beth added.

“And what might that problem be,” the Sheriff asked.

“We kind of drank it last night,” Kelly said.

“Seemed like a good idea at the time,” Beth muttered.

“Oh hell.”

Over 40 Not so Great Ideas....

10.  Yes, I'd love to jump with you and your friends on the trampoline.

9.  Oh, I really need those Krispy Kremes, especially right before my workout for added energy.

8.  Jumping Jacks are one of my favorite exercises.

7.  What?  Your brother is stuck in the McDonalds McMaze?  Let me go get him.

6.  I used to be crowned Queen of Square dancing, I've got this Gangnam Style DOWN!

5.  Who's pogo stick is this?  Can I give it a try?

4.  Did you pick up the Fifty Shades of Grey book?  Let's go to the bedroom.

3.  Jeggings?  The new fashion trend?  I'll have to try them.

2.  We don't need the GPS for this trip.

1.  I've never heard of a thong, will it go with my Depends?

The Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey

I've read the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings 4 times.  The first time I read it as a teenager, I cried at the end of the Return of the King.  Not because of the ending, but because the author was not writing any more books - that was it.  I've been feeling the same way with the Lord of the Rings movies, and very excited to see The Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey.

Since I am such a Tolkien junkie, I shelled out the extra cash and watched the movie at The Grand IMAX 3D adventure bringing my two children - 11 and 8 years old.

Rants and Raves gives this movie 4 RAVES - a great adventure, keeping close to the stories in the book, and where they added it was a nice tie in into the beloved characters of the Lord of the Rings.  Many of the same actors in the trilogy return for the prequel.

The story of Bilbo Baggins Unexpected Journey with a gang of 13 dwarves to the Lonely Mountain to slay a dragon and return a home, is not just visually stimulating, but the conversations are quick and sometimes funny, the content not overwhelming with the introduction of characters and setting of scenes.  What I particularly loved about the movie was the references to The Lord of the Rings, how watching the other movies and reading the books, they did a great job of tying it all together.

Gollum in this movie shows his more sinister side, where in Lord of the Rings you almost felt sorry for him.  You understood in the first how corrupted by the ring he was, and being away from it for a while softened him a bit.

The dwarves in this movie were fantastic.  I never in reading the books ever thought a dwarf could be good looking, but the casting in the movie actually made a few of them pretty sexy.  Taking cue from Aragon, they created a prince that you enjoyed looking at while rooting for.  There was a lot of comedy between the dwarves that helped make the fights between the Orc, Goblins and trolls much easier.

I did not give this 5 stars just due to noise, the IMAX theatre totes that it immerses you in the experience but they didn't need to blow your ears off as part of it.  Boys, who are used to video games, mp3 players with headphones that said it was too loud, meant it really was too loud.  I made ear plugs out of napkins for the boys and that helped them with the movie.  Also, the 10 minute Star Trek preview on top of 4 other previews was really not necessary on top of a 2 hour 46 minute movie.

So go see the Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey - IMAX or not.  If you are a fan of the movies or the books or both - this is a great addition to the journey.

Playing at local theaters including the Winston Salem Grand 18 in both 2D and 3D IMAX Adventure.

The Mall - Whatever.....

Going to the mall is one of the biggest reminder of getting old.  There's a totally different culture at the mall, including a language I do not understand.

My son left his jacket in the changing room at Abercrombie & Fitch last week (yes, I know shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch=seriously!) so while he was in the skate shop for something else (yes, another UGH in the mothering realm) I went in to see if they found it.

"Umm, welcome to Abercrombie."  Size 0, short shorts, tight plaid shirt, hair in pig tails.

"Umm, thanks."  (I can't help myself) - Mom in yoga pants, flourescent yellow running shirt and running shoes, hair in face.

"Feel free to shop around."  (Really?  Feel free, nothing in here is FREE)

"My son left his jacket in the fitting room last week and I was wondering if you found it."

"Umm, I don't know."  Awkward silence.  Brain fires again, "You can ask the people at the register."

I walk back to the register - two more size 0 girls - one in jeggings, one in a skirt, obviously someone sent home the memo for tight polo shirt on budding boobies, atleast the hair was not in pig tails.

"Welcome to Abercrombie, how can we help you?"  Well, a little bit better.

"My son may have left his jacket in the dressing room last week, do you have a lost and found?"

"I don't know.  Let me check."  At least she's admitting it.

I watch her walk over to all of the dressing rooms and unlock them and check in them.  My brain was not moving at warp speed like hers because it took me a few minutes to realize that she was looking for a jacket left in the dressing room A WEEK AGO!  She comes back, "No, it's not there."

I take a deep breath - yes we Moms that wear yoga pants actually do yoga - "Can you check in the back perhaps - maybe someone found it in the dressing room last week and put it in the back."

She looks at me, "Oh, OK."

I am already writing off the jacket as a lost cause, knowing that either it sat in the dressing until someone finally said, "I guess this jacket lying on the floor is free, so I'll just take it."  Or some nice Abercrombie employee, not working that night, is wearing a really nice jacket.  Or the jacket is sitting in some nice box labeled "lost and found" but since I asked her to look in the back, that probably did not mean the "lost and found" box.

She comes back empty handed, why am I not surprised?  "I'm sorry, we don't have it in the back.  But our jackets are 60% off now."

Well, there is some hope for humanity.  She actually tried to sell me something.

Every had a great mall experience?

How to cope with Monday

Why is it that Friday is so far away from Monday but Monday is so close to Friday?   Starting out the work week clawing my way out of bed, a few friends decided to give me some helpful advice

Have a purpose.  That I would find Monday's joyful if I had a purpose in life.

Oh yeah, I do have a purpose, it's called resting.  Sleeping.  Lying under my flannel sheets, listening to the rain and thinking, "I don't think I could ever feel more at peace than this very moment."  Then looking at the clock and going, "Oh well, there it goes."  

When the alarm goes off, jump out of bed right away.

That's called scaring the hell out of yourself.  Yes, that will start my day off right acting like there's a zombie killer in the house at 5am.  If I really want to do this right, I should put a nerf gun (we have plenty of those) next to my bed to complete the fantasy - nothing like a good adrenaline rush to get your morning started.

Get an extra hour of sleep by going to bed early on Sunday night

Well, that would be shortening the weekend.  Duh, we don't want to do that, the weekend is dah bomb of the week, we want it to last as long as possible and THAT'S why we stay up as late as possible.

Turn your shower to cold just before you get out.

Honestly, I think my husband put my friends up to this because the jump out of bed and cold shower thing only achieve one thing - me in the Emergency Room with someone holding the electric panels above me yelling, "Clear."

Move your alarm to across the room.

This causes the same jump out of bed, "What the heck is that?" reaction that yes, does get the blood flowing but away from the heart.  Plus if its all the way over there, my walk back to bed after hitting the snooze button is not comfortable on the cold floor.

Have you tried coffee?

Of course, I've tried coffee.  It's the only thing that makes Monday mornings tolerable.

Then my zen friend, the spiritual one - does this happen every Monday, do you think it is a sign of some type of long term emotional problem?

Yes, it happens every monday.  Yes it is a very good sign of some type of longterm emotional problem - as Bob Geldof once quoted it perfectly, "I hate Mondays."

What's your go to remedy for Monday morning blues?

Sunday morning ponderings?

I am beginning to love Sunday mornings.  When I get to sleep in to 630am and then sit at my computer for an hour and half before even THINKING about waking the family up.  With all this quiet time, I can ask you, dear reader, a few questions.

What does the inside of your nose smell like?

Why can you always trust people with big butts?

Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we already clean when we use them?  So when are they considered dirty?

On the subject of bath towels, do you wipe your butt with them first or your face?

Why do we always reach inside the room to turn on the light before walking in?  Keep the Walking Zombies at bay?

Why don't they put showers in therapists offices?  I solve a lot of problems while hot water hits my face.

Do you have MTV dreams too?  Music playing in your head all night?  Why is it the worst song every like I Will Survive?  Or simply ONE line over and over again?


And, yes.....sometimes I do have WAY too much time on my hands.  Time to make the bacon.

My Kryptonite

Have you been over to Trader Joes yet?

I think the store was invented by drug dealers.

It sells itself as a grocery store.

You walk out with a case of wine for $35

What? You don't buy by the case?

A box of salted caramels

Old Fashioned Licorice Twists

Chocolate covered ginger

and the Kryptonite---

Kettle Corn Cookies.

No where else can I justify this much junk on one shopping trip.

Oh wait, I did buy a bunch of bananas to not feel so guilty.

Either they are drug dealers keeping us all on our sugar high,

or

Invented by the guys who created Jeggings (leggings with pockets) because NO ONE will wear regular pants after a few trips to THAT store.

What's your Kryptonite?