WTF - If I woke up a man....

If I woke up with a penis,  I would be different, I mean do things differently:

I wouldn't stick it anywhere it doesn't belong.

I wouldn't brag about it to my friends.

I wouldn't be checking if it is still there on a regular basis.  Or maybe I would.  Because I could grab it whenever I want.

I wouldn't find references to it any chance I could.

I would never name it.  No Puff, the One Eyed Dragon, or Meat Hammer, or Definitely NOT Tiny Flute.

I wouldn't even use the Dicktionary, really, I had to go there.

I wouldn't be a dick about having a dick.

I wouldn't wear tight clothes accentuating what I already know.

I guess I would have a ball, or maybe two.

Of course, mine would look like the statue of David, not an over 40 elderly well, um, worm.

But then the possibilities:

I'd pee outside in the woods with out a care.  The first time I didn't have to wipe with a leaf, or worst yet a poison ivy leaf (yes, we will not go there)

I'd show everyone in my family that you can actually make the toilet if you try.

I'd probably ask for a raise.

And yes, I'd probably consume a six pack of beer and go out into the snow and write....

A poem.

What did you think?


And, in case you are wondering, if you were a man, well, ummm, you can calculate your size here

You have a kid? Then you get it.

Kids can get stuck in anything.  Because kids will stick a body part in anything.  Like a finger in an electric pencil sharpener.  A toe in the bathroom faucet (OK, I was guilty of this one)  If it involves small children and climbing, don't wear the cute shoes - you are on your way up there to get them.

Kids will break everything.  The more expensive it is, the quicker they will break it.  Better yet, they will take your favorite item apart, then put it back together - oh, except for this one piece.  "I'm not sure where it goes."

Kids cannot control themselves with buttons.  If they see a button, they have to press it.  Many, many times.  Until they break it.  Do not let children lose in that nuclear plant tour.  This is why child lock was invented for cars, not to keep kids in, to keep them from breaking your power windows.

The evil color to children is white.  This is why they have to stain it as quickly as possible, usually with Taco Bell grease then day after you bought the item.  Again, the cost of the item purchased usually determines how quickly they stain it.  They will stain it immediately especially if it belongs to you.

Kids are mean.  They can be sitting like little angels.  Then think, "I wonder.  Will it hurt if someone threw this Algebra book at me?  Let me try this on my little brother."

Younger siblings usually deserve it.  Because they sit next to the older sibling whispering under their breath, "Spongebob Squarepants" over and over again, knowing that it is bothering them.  Then they cry and wonder why they just got beat up for "doing nothing."

Kids are still developing their brains, that's why they don't use them.  So get used to questions like, "Is it real" when you are driving by and point out a pretty horse standing in a pasture.

Do not part with anything important to you.  Especially giving it to your children.  The amount you spent on that item, coupled with how important it is to you will determine how quickly they will lose it.

Kids are not cheap labor.  The money you spend at the therapist the next day after deciding that they will cook dinner one night, is more than simply cooking the meal yourself.  Coupled with the embarrassment of explaining everything to the firemen and the insurance company.

Kids are infuriating, but seriously who would have it any other way?  Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a Honey Boo Boo?