The Mall - Whatever.....

Going to the mall is one of the biggest reminder of getting old.  There's a totally different culture at the mall, including a language I do not understand.

My son left his jacket in the changing room at Abercrombie & Fitch last week (yes, I know shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch=seriously!) so while he was in the skate shop for something else (yes, another UGH in the mothering realm) I went in to see if they found it.

"Umm, welcome to Abercrombie."  Size 0, short shorts, tight plaid shirt, hair in pig tails.

"Umm, thanks."  (I can't help myself) - Mom in yoga pants, flourescent yellow running shirt and running shoes, hair in face.

"Feel free to shop around."  (Really?  Feel free, nothing in here is FREE)

"My son left his jacket in the fitting room last week and I was wondering if you found it."

"Umm, I don't know."  Awkward silence.  Brain fires again, "You can ask the people at the register."

I walk back to the register - two more size 0 girls - one in jeggings, one in a skirt, obviously someone sent home the memo for tight polo shirt on budding boobies, atleast the hair was not in pig tails.

"Welcome to Abercrombie, how can we help you?"  Well, a little bit better.

"My son may have left his jacket in the dressing room last week, do you have a lost and found?"

"I don't know.  Let me check."  At least she's admitting it.

I watch her walk over to all of the dressing rooms and unlock them and check in them.  My brain was not moving at warp speed like hers because it took me a few minutes to realize that she was looking for a jacket left in the dressing room A WEEK AGO!  She comes back, "No, it's not there."

I take a deep breath - yes we Moms that wear yoga pants actually do yoga - "Can you check in the back perhaps - maybe someone found it in the dressing room last week and put it in the back."

She looks at me, "Oh, OK."

I am already writing off the jacket as a lost cause, knowing that either it sat in the dressing until someone finally said, "I guess this jacket lying on the floor is free, so I'll just take it."  Or some nice Abercrombie employee, not working that night, is wearing a really nice jacket.  Or the jacket is sitting in some nice box labeled "lost and found" but since I asked her to look in the back, that probably did not mean the "lost and found" box.

She comes back empty handed, why am I not surprised?  "I'm sorry, we don't have it in the back.  But our jackets are 60% off now."

Well, there is some hope for humanity.  She actually tried to sell me something.

Every had a great mall experience?

The Vortex that is our Home

There is this great sucking vortex that we call our home, and it keeps taking things that are near and dear to us and holding them hostage.  I am close to giving my soul to it....

It started small, I'd put socks in the dryer and only one would return, the other sucked into the great black hole.

I would put all the socks in a laundry bag, and still it would cackle because when I processed the bag, a stupid sock was STILL missing.

Then it moved to bigger things and it got crafty....

My favorite pen, and as a writer we all know how much we covet the right office supply, disappears from my desk, as I search frantically my son makes me feel better,

-Where did you put it last?

-If I knew that then I'd have it in my hand, now wouldn't I?

-Why do you need THAT pen?

-You wouldn't understand, your brain understands Math.

I give up on the pen, but it becomes more stealthy.  That little nut (no, not me) the little nut (no not my children) the little nut I found on the ground, sat on the counter for 3 months, because being organized, I realized it belonged to something, that item had not yet appeared.  So when my child asks, "My easel will not hold the paper," I stand up triumphantly, "That's because it is missing a nut, I know exactly where it is."

Gone.  I am left wandering around like a zombie, muttering, "It was right there.  I saw it every day.  The vortex has taken the only nut I ever wanted (well not the only one, and I am left with a few nuts.)


It taunts me, laughing maniacally as my husband asks, "Where is the directions that go with my new charger (top to my pen, notebook, headphones, cord)"

-I saw it over on the table in the dining room.

He wanders for a little bit then comes back, "It's not there."

"Try the kitchen pantry," I say.

My son tries to help, "If you put it in the same place every time, it will always be there."

Husband does not want his own words now repeated back to him as he is looking for stuff.

He wanders again and comes back, "You're just trying to get rid of me to read for a while by sending me on a wild goose chase, aren't you."

I look at him, thinking - shoot, why hadn't I thought of that sooner?

He gives up, "I'm getting older, spending all my time looking for shit."  I look at him, the Vortex is aging him, it is aging me, it is gaining on us, growing bigger, is that a sucking sound I hear?

Tonight, the Vortex is winning.  We've all turned into zombies..

My son wanders the living room mumbling, "has anyone seen my iPod?"

My other son wanders the kitchen, "I lost the markers, are they in the pantry?"  He goes there and disappears, the Vortex has some sort of entry door in the pantry and he is gone.  I hope it deposits him back in time to go to bed.

My husband wanders mumbling to himself, "a remote has to be somewhere near the television." As Nickelodeon plays very loudly in the backgound.

Me?  I stumbling around on one shoe, I've lost the mate to my favorite Dansko clog and I'm still convinced it may give me back my favorite Sharpie pen if I give up on the clogs.

But the Vortex, it is cruel, it simply laughs.....

How to get lost in the phone system!

Imagine this with that lovely robotic voice from all the times you’ve called automated services….


“Hello, and welcome to the lost phone call answering service. Let’s get started by getting some basic information. Are you alive or dead?

Alive.

I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you, are you alive or dead?

Alive.

I’m sorry, did you say you were alive?

Alive!

Great, what do you want to do? Say something like: I want to wait forever on the phone, or I don’t have a life that’s why I’m calling, or I’m having a heart attack.

I want to spend the rest of my life on the phone.

I’m sorry did you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life on the phone?

Yes.

Great, then let’s get started. If you want to spend the rest of your life on the phone then we need to schedule a appointment. Do you want to schedule an appointment?

Yes,

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Did you want to schedule an appointment?

Yes,

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that, did you want schedule an appointment?

YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS!!

OK, great. Then let’s transfer you to appointments. Click, elevator music, click, more elevator music.


Welcome to the elevator music from hell, you’re wait time is……..

16 days, 4 hours and 3 minutes………

Any experiences ladies? Do you have to sound like Conan The Barbarian with those automated systems?