Hitting that edge...

My son had a spout of syncope.  We were sitting and watching The Aristocats and next thing I know he's on the floor in front of me.  I help him up into a chair, explaining that he simply got up too quickly, not enough blood to the brain, so his body lays him out on the floor to facilitate the blood to where it needs to go.  He freaked out, I remained calm.  He's got a scrape on the chin, a bruise on the cheek and a busted lip.

First rule of what you should not do - go to WebMD and research what just happened.  This is almost like reading the last chapters of What To Expect When Expecting, because it doesn't say - he needs iron, he's dehydrated it immediately talks about heart problems and brain seizures.

Why did I even read that,  I let my guard down and went to that bad place.

That place where you sit and think, "things have been too good.  the other shoe has to drop sometime soon, doesn't it?"

First thoughts are, "What have I done wrong?"  Have I fed him enough vegetables?  Has he gotten enough calcium.  Why am I not more like my friends that feed their kids the right diet?  Do I even have any vegetables in the house?

Having already been through the pain of losing people I love - any time someone gets sick, or there is a change in my body - I go to the worst possible place.  I see the WebMD illness, not a simple flu.  Sitting in the ICU with them.  The coward in me doesn't want to have to go through tragedy again - the endless consults with doctors, the waiting for treatment to begin, the helplessness of witnessing their fear and the debilitating knowledge that you can't do anything about it.  I see yourself back in that hospital, making those decisions that control someone else's life, and then living with the consequences.  

Then I feel guilty that things are good.  I expect something has to go wrong, that for some reason I deserve it.  I tell myself that we are fine, but I sit and wonder all night - checking his breathing just like when he was a little baby and I couldn't believe God gave me this amazing creature, it couldn't be true!

But they are fine, it is a simple episode, life for them merrily goes on.  So I do what Moms do,  you take a deep breath and pull myself away from the edge and continue on.  I hold them as close as I can, then let them loose smiling as I take one more look over that edge then walk away.

Do you ever go to that edge?