WTF- How to Make An Adult Movie

Seems like everyone is leaking their sex tapes on the internet, the hubby and I didn't want to get left behind.  So we decided that it was time to show the world our talents.  I never realized making your own Adult Movie was so much hard work.

First things first, how do we distract the kids?

We could put them with math books, pull out all the arts and crafts, or force them to write a play.

We put on SpongeBob.

Finally alone in our room, we both wonder what to do next.

Get interrupted by a child informing us they've already seen that episode of SpongeBob.  We wonder, they've watched ALL the episodes of SpongeBob over and over again, why now?

Get out the big guns.

Rent a brand new movie on Apple TV, something that is a minimum of 2 hours. Make sure it is full of shoot em up, robots, zombies and cute girls.  Pay 14.99 for two hours of freedom.

Go back in the bedroom, look at each other.

And laugh.  

Think about putting some Vaseline on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. 

End up back in the living room because a child has again walked into the bedroom informing us that since it is a new movie, popcorn is indeed necessary.

Go make popcorn for the masses, enough to last two hours.

Back in the bedroom, try and figure out how other people do it.  Where to put the phone and stuff.

Laugh again.

Back in the living room because SOMEONE is grabbing handfuls of Popcorn from his brother.

Have a long discussion with the kids about the benefits of sharing, (teachable moment) then dumping half the popcorn from one bowl into the brother's bowl who was losing popcorn.

Go back in the bedroom.  Look at how gravity and age has made certain parts of your body move into places you never thought they'd go.  Look at each other.

Laugh again.

With another knock on the door, decide it was probably better to make a cooking demonstration as your Adult Movie.

Go out, grab a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the movie.

Boys and Airplanes

There is nothing funnier than traveling with kids on an airplane, especially when you have a seasoned traveler like my husband who lies calm, even trips.

We start the morning with 12 bags - 4 ski bags (about the size of body bags and just as heavy) 3 suitcase and 5 backpacks.  Hubby starts with a lecture that "it is everyone's job to take care of all this stuff," as I am hauling the body bags up 8 steps and out to the car.  Once they are up there, the kids do par core all over the bags while I crawl on my hands and knees in the condo checking under beds, couches, chairs - finding 2 mis matched socks, one T-shirt and my own business card.

During the drive to airport, we get a little turned around.  Usually when you are lost, children will immediately start asking stupid questions as you are trying to figure out the GPS, listen to Rolf of Google Maps tell you that you are lost and arguing with your seat mate about which direction to take.

Didn't the kids in the back notice that you turned Michael Buble all the way down - BECAUSE you don't have time to listen to "I wanna go home," when you are LOST!

It starts with them asking if we are lost, then bugging each other until one of them yells, "STOP!"  At which time both parents turn and explain in what they think is the most menacing voice about being lost, needing quiet to think!  Does that stop them?  What do you think?

Once at the airport, everyone jumps out of the car looking at us.  I have to politely explain that I got the body bags up to the car, it is now their job to haul them from the car into the ticket counter.  Each takes their own bag, leaving me with 4 communal bags - including my own body bag.  Sigh.

At the counter, hubby is trying to check us in, the kids are jumping the suitcases.  My oldest decides that he wants to "help" Daddy and check us in for the flight.  There are wrong buttons pressed, arguments on how many bags, arguments on who is sitting where.  Meanwhile I am getting evil looks by the TSA agents waiting for our bags, because a. they are heavy as shit, and b. there are a lot of them and c. someone is going to have to security search them which includes hauling the body bags through X-ray.

The kids push each other through security screening, not to mention the TSA guy pulling a smashed clementine out of my husband's briefcase with my child saying, "Hey, I was saving that for later!"  They push each other down the jetway, push each other as they walk to their seats on the plane.

Once on the flight, the kids are excited and cannot sit still, they are moving the seats up and down, which means Jeff and I have no leg room because for some reason the kids got the choice seats and we got the ones that come with a can opener when you try to get out.  One child is pressing all the buttons on the other child's TV screen because this is the first plane that has personal TVs and how cool is that in a child's world.  Rather how cool is that, in anyone's world, I'm pretty enthralled too, not noticing what the kids are doing until someone presses the flight attendant button above my husband's head.  He is reaching between the seats trying to grab someone while the flight attendant asks him what he wants. I thought he was going to say, "Please move me away from these obnoxious kids, who's kids are they anyway?"  But he smiles and apologizes, reaching between the seat for anyone once she walks away.

Needless to say when traveling with children, the annoyance of everything they do is increased with the stress of trying to get from point A to Point B.  So if you travel with your children, here's a few pointers:

Travel light - in our case we couldn't due to snow sports, the less you have to haul around the better your back will feel.
Don't give them any of your electronics - because sitting on the airplane is not the time to find out they changed your ringtone on your phone to "I'm Sexy and I Know It."  (Picture my sweet hubby's face on that one)
And try to set your seats at least 3 rows behind them, that way you are not hit in the knees when they "test" how far the seat goes back and you can look at others on the plane and say, "For Pete's Sake, who's kids are those?"

Remember, traveling with children is like childbirth.  You'll forget all about it once your finally make it back home again, planning that next trip until your phone starts to sing, "I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie" on your next call.

Lessons learned from Fast and Furious

My name is Kelly, and I am a Mom.  I can't help myself, I've been to the theater to watch every Fast and Furious movie including Fast and Furious 6.






Here's my review and lessons learned:

There are only a few people that look good in wife beater shirts.  Yes, down south we called them wife beaters, and there are few that can rock this look.  All the guys in Fast and Furious 6 can wear these shirts, and don't make the mistake of buying one for your sweet hubby thinking he will rock it too.  You have to be in a car movie with beautiful girls to take the eye off of you to rock the wife beater shirt.

Gravity when filming this movie?  Ain't nobody got time for that!

Never let them see you sweat.  Even in 100 degree heat while fighting the group of 16 men sent to kill you, our heros are in dark T-shirts without a single sweat stain.  Perhaps they put anti-persperant all over their bodies.  I may have to try that.

These are some epic fight scenes - these fights are so long that I caught myself a few times checking my phone as they slugged away at each other,

Girls just want to have fun.  I have never seen such big fights between the girls.  Usually my girl fights are, "Are you wearing the same shirt as me?"  These girls slug each other in the face (and don't care about messing up the makeup) in the belly and a quick kick into the groin area, for a girl?  Me?  Two punches to the face and I'd be laying there saying, "I'm done.  You go ahead and steal that secret computer chip, I'm going to find an ice pack."


They know that rednecks are watching this movie.  This is evident in the warning at the end of the movie, however it was written in a language that most do not understand.
"The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals and should not be attempted at home."
Who heeds that?
Rather it should say, "Listen you are an idiot, we know you will try these stunts - at least wear a helmet."

They are using real people.  I spied a jiggly butt in the scene where all the girls are dancing around the car getting ready to race.  No cellulite, just some jiggles but it made me feel better as I said, "Hey, she looks like ME!"

Watch carefully - some of the fight sequences, and chasing sequences had me going, "Who is that running down the steps?  Is he a good guy or a bad guy?"

Expensive clothing stays put - amazingly, low gut J. Crew tank tops on girls stay put as they flip each other onto the floor and claw at each other like cats.  Reminds me of the fight scenes in The Rifleman where he could get punched in the face and his 15 gallon hat stays on!  Real Life?  Boobs popping out, rips in the shirt and blood and not just on the clothing.

I need to train more for my next cameo in the movie - these characters can fight for over 20 minutes, chase a bad guy for 30 minutes, and have marathon lovemaking sessions with out a single, "Stop, I got a stitch in my side."  or "I got to catch my breath" or "God, my plantar fasciatus is KILLING me!"

Love is fickle - apparently you can dump your current love of your life for the woman who doesn't even remember you and everyone is happy and has your back when the bullets fly.  Better yet, your ex girlfriend ends up meeting one of your friends and becomes the love of "their" life.

Death is but a dream.  You do not die in these movies, you fade away if you are not considered an interesting character until you need to come back and get killed.  Then you die.  Maybe.

All in all, this is a great movie - action packed, full of eye candy, and an actual story line to boot.  Sure the action scenes are completely unreal, but who really would pay to see regular redneck cars, sweaty guys with yellow armpit stains and girls fighting in the mud.  Shoot, we could go to the next family reunion to find that one.

Have you seen Fast and Furious 6?  What do you think?

They said THAT? Favorite Disney lines translated.

My name is Kelly and I love Disney movies, but really?

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Cinderella - I'm not sure this is true, because my heart is not dreaming about Johnny Depp rolling over in the bed and saying, "Good Morning Starshine."

Whistle While You Work - Snow White - no one, I repeat no one, would whistle while cleaning out a boys room, that would require pulling air in through your nose.

The Past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it, or face it - The Lion King   True, I choose to run from the gold shiny parachute pants and the one, and only perm I ever received.

Always let your conscience be your guide - PInoccio   Oh really Pinnoccio?  And you've told the truth?  Have you ever seen a child's face when you explain the last Reese Cup fell into the toilet as you are picking peanut butter out of your teeth?


Nothing's Impossible - Alice In Wonderland   Oh yeah Alice?  Have you ever tried to get gum out the dog's hair?  Or the science experiment of making our own caramel over the stove off the ceiling?

To Infinity and Beyond - Buzz Lightyear  I feel the same way, would you like another glass of wine?

Even Miracles Take a Little time - Cinderella  What?  Ain't nobody got time for that!

They say if you dream a thing more than once, it's going to come true - Sleeping Beauty.  I'm working on just sleeping through the night, then I'll look at the pictures of The Rock before I fall asleep.

Reach for the sky - Buzz Lightyear   But then my belly fat will show!


Hakuna Matada, it means no worries for the rest of the day.  I've got a better word - Cardboardeaux, it really does make the worries go away.

Don't be fooled by its commonplace appearance.  Like so many things, it is not what outside, but what is inside that counts.  And THAT, is why I buy wine in the box!

What do you do when things go wrong?  You sing a song - Snow White.  Seriously?  How about "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..." from behind the bars?

Giving up is for rookies - Hercules  Hercules has never seen the lunch box thermos finally found in  lost and found after three 3 weeks.  Give up, throw it away.

For each dawn, she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true - Cinderella  Each dawn I can open my eyes from that wonderful dream, then sigh as the alarm clock rolls off Back In Time from Pittbull and hope for a new day tomorrow.


One thing I did learn from a Disney movie?  It's not OK to talk to strangers-----well, unless they are really good looking then it's OK because they are your future husband.


What's your favorite Disney Movie Line?  Do you think they tell the truth?

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You

This preview is rated for all audiences.

Can you survive the stench of moldy socks?  Can you get away from old underwear?  Kelly Melang, quiet country domestic engineer finds herself trapped in a house with two monsters.  Can she figure out what that yellow sticky stuff is on the floor?  Will she be able to clean it so it really goes away?  Or is it a sign of something more sinister?  There’s movement in the house and she cannot get away from it.  She wants to believe her family is this sweet stick people that are plastered on the back of her minivan, but behind the broken screen door there is something MORE.  There is a dog that likes to chew tiny holes into every comforter in the home, while pulling out the stuffing.  There is something wet on the floor in the bathroom.  There is something lightly glowing in the back of the refrigerator.  And she isn’t sure what that noise is that is keeping her up all night.

Can our heroine navigate through the dirty clothes in their room?  Can she find what’s in the fridge that smells and get it safely out to the garbage.  Can she reclaim all of her dishes from under their bed?   And our big question - can she make it through the day?

Coming to a theatre near you - The Return of the Zombie Socks, a story so horrifying it will have you on the edge of your seat as you hear Kelly say, “What is that smell?”

Rated PG-13, not for young children who haven’t adopted the bad habits of their older siblings yet.

The Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey

I've read the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings 4 times.  The first time I read it as a teenager, I cried at the end of the Return of the King.  Not because of the ending, but because the author was not writing any more books - that was it.  I've been feeling the same way with the Lord of the Rings movies, and very excited to see The Hobbit - An Unexpected Journey.

Since I am such a Tolkien junkie, I shelled out the extra cash and watched the movie at The Grand IMAX 3D adventure bringing my two children - 11 and 8 years old.

Rants and Raves gives this movie 4 RAVES - a great adventure, keeping close to the stories in the book, and where they added it was a nice tie in into the beloved characters of the Lord of the Rings.  Many of the same actors in the trilogy return for the prequel.

The story of Bilbo Baggins Unexpected Journey with a gang of 13 dwarves to the Lonely Mountain to slay a dragon and return a home, is not just visually stimulating, but the conversations are quick and sometimes funny, the content not overwhelming with the introduction of characters and setting of scenes.  What I particularly loved about the movie was the references to The Lord of the Rings, how watching the other movies and reading the books, they did a great job of tying it all together.

Gollum in this movie shows his more sinister side, where in Lord of the Rings you almost felt sorry for him.  You understood in the first how corrupted by the ring he was, and being away from it for a while softened him a bit.

The dwarves in this movie were fantastic.  I never in reading the books ever thought a dwarf could be good looking, but the casting in the movie actually made a few of them pretty sexy.  Taking cue from Aragon, they created a prince that you enjoyed looking at while rooting for.  There was a lot of comedy between the dwarves that helped make the fights between the Orc, Goblins and trolls much easier.

I did not give this 5 stars just due to noise, the IMAX theatre totes that it immerses you in the experience but they didn't need to blow your ears off as part of it.  Boys, who are used to video games, mp3 players with headphones that said it was too loud, meant it really was too loud.  I made ear plugs out of napkins for the boys and that helped them with the movie.  Also, the 10 minute Star Trek preview on top of 4 other previews was really not necessary on top of a 2 hour 46 minute movie.

So go see the Hobbit, An Unexpected Journey - IMAX or not.  If you are a fan of the movies or the books or both - this is a great addition to the journey.

Playing at local theaters including the Winston Salem Grand 18 in both 2D and 3D IMAX Adventure.