WTF - How My Elf is Lame

Everyone has that beautiful holiday tradition,  mine include drinking egg nog, making more egg nog, then wondering where all the egg nog went.

But I digress, everyone's now posting all their creative Elf on a Shelf pictures and I realized my Elf is lame.

First of all, we don't even have an Elf on a Shelf. I threw that hissy fit in the middle of the Barnes and Noble, "They want 25.95 for THAT? No way! I only have enough for a Gingerbread Spice Latte!"

So I figured we weren't elfing it, I mean I totally screwed up the Tooth Fairy, the first tooth falling out and all I had was a $20 bill in my wallet. I was taking out loans when both kids started losing teeth! Anything involving getting back up in the middle of the night, I wasn't doing it. I gave up getting up in the middle of the night when my kids did.

No way.  No how.

Then they guilted me into it. "Why don't we have an elf?" "Taylor's elf talks to Santa, no one talks to Santa about us? Why be good when no one tells Santa!" Insert two sad faces.

They had me there, why be good when there is no North Pole reporter? I had 25 days to Christmas including two weeks of school break, I didn't have enough egg nog if my kids decide they don't need to be good.  I had to come up with an "elf" plan.

I still wasn't buying the damn elf, so I made one up. "Hanz" started writing notes to my kids in the smallest handwriting possible. (Enter magnifying glass and book of santa jokes)  They had an elf, I had a way to actually make them behave during the two weeks off from school!!  They'd get out of control and I'd say, "HANZ!" watching them fall back in line.

But I can't be cute with an elf, I had to be lame. One blogger "Two Knitting Needles and 5 Beautiful Kids" shared pictures of her Elf pillow fight.

Her elf looked adorable sleeping in a tissue box with cotton balls for pillows.
I short sheeted their beds.

She shared pictures of a marshmallow fight, complete with a score board (a score board!).
I put green dye with glitter in the toilet telling them it was elf pee and poop.

She put candy under their pillow.
I put a real piece of Kingsford Coal.  (By the way, it's hard to get that shit out of sheets)
****that worked for a few days, they were actually good.

She shared that their elf mixed up their lunches, jumbling everything.
I put a panty liner in each lunch box.

She shared a picture of Elf by the Gingerbread house. decorating it while they sleep.
I put him on the liquor cabinet. (Both kids and hubby got a kick out of that.)

Her sweet little elf got married and had a baby.
I thought about having the talk with the kids about how you can't get married AND have a baby during the 30 days leading to Christmas but let that one go.
So, our elf adopted a stuffed mouse ornament from the tree.

So, there you have it. I may be lame but I think a bourbon drinking, note writing, trickster is much more fun than any other elf.

Now I've got to go and find that egg nog recipe again, we're still counting the days until Christmas.

Here's my Elf on a Shelf!

I think Elf on The Shelf is a Terrorist

Did you know that the Elf on the Shelf was the first Christmas Terrorist? Oh yeah, this creepy little guy is designed to keep kids GOOD during the holiday season (as if that could happen.)  What a great ruse to come into your household!

In case you are wondering, here's a list helping spot potential terrorists:

How to spot a terrorist

Number 1 - "Surveillance. Often a terrorist will gather information about a potential target during the planning stages of an attack."
The Elf appears in your home.  His job is to gather information about a potential target (you).    Don't you wonder what type of information he is reporting, and really, do we all really know who "Santa" is?  This "Santa" has been training Elves for years, what has he been teaching them?

Number 2 - Elicitation. Elicitation is the use of ordinary communications methods in order to gain information without being obvious about it.  Does anyone think it is creepy that the elf sits there gaining information by ordinary conversation, or "eavesdropping?"  

Number 3 - Tests of Security. Individuals or organizations planning terrorism will attempt to measure the capabilities of security apparatus.  He comes into your house, doesn't that test your security?  How does he get through all of our satellite security, across our borders and appear in your home?  He's been testing security for years!


Number 4 - Fundraising. In order to fund an attack, terrorists will seek financial resources.  I have noticed that when the Elf is in the house sometimes my wallet goes missing.  How do you think he afforded the Lego set he left for my son?

Number 5 - Acquiring supplies. Purchasing or stealing explosives, weapons, ammunition, or bomb-making materials is a sign of terrorists acquiring supplies.  For some reason the Elf appears and all the candy in the house starts disappearing.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Number 6 - Impersonation. Watch out for people who seem out of place.  An elf?  Dressed in red pajamas?  Sitting on your fireplace mantle?  Staring at you?  Could the Elf be part of some "sleeper" cell?

Number 7 - Rehearsal. Terrorists will often rehearse a pending attack ensuring that their operation will run smoothly.  That's why he appears year after year at our house, he's rehearsing for the big thing.

Number 8 - Deployment. Terrorists are arranging their assets, getting into position, or are in the midst of an attack. This is your last chance to alert the authorities before it’s too late.

This is why I am warning you.  Watch that creepy little fella, there's something fishy about him, especially when he has fooled the CIA in his cuteness so they are not watching his whereabouts during the Christmas season.  We know he is not from this country because of the Made In China sticker on his butt.

Dang, that little sucker moved last night and now I can't find him.