Every year, like childbirth, I forget how much I hate putting together the Gingerbread House.
Here is the scenario in our home:
Buy the Gingerbread house kit because who has time to bake all those pieces.
Leave it on the floor.
The dog gets into it, nibbles the pieces.
Get pissed.
Go out and buy another Gingerbread Kit because it is a Christmas tradition dammit.
Put it on top of the refrigerator. Forget about it.
Three days before Christmas remember it is there.
Get pissed.
Invite a few friends because you need other Moms sharing the wine and the misery of putting together the house.
Open the box, everyone gets excited as all the candy pieces fall out.
Some of the gumdrops seem a little stale.
Kids descend on the candy like locusts, eating what they can reach.
Get pissed, slap away little hands, pour a glass of wine.
Forgot you were supposed to make the icing and put the house together ahead of time.
Realize how much fun it is for 6 kids crowding around you as you try piecing the house together.
The house falls down.
Kids groan, reach for candy.
Get pissed, drink more wine.
Kids wreck the your home as you sweat getting the Gingerbread house to stand.
Finally the house stands, with great fanfare tell the kids they can decorate it.
There are 2 gum drops and only peppermints left, they ate the rest of the stuff.
The kids fight over who gets the last two gumdrops.
One licks both of the gumdrops, effectively claiming them.
The other falls backwards on their chair.
The Gingerbread house falls down again.
Get pissed, open a second bottle of wine.
Pull out the candy you saved for their stockings.
Jerry-rig the pieces of the house together with staples, and toothpicks.
The kids have lost interest in decorating the house, they are now wrestling
Let the kids eat the rest of the icing, and the candy you pulled out.
Drink wine with your friends wondering why the kids are going crazy.
Finally feed the rest of the house to the dog, something you should have done in the first place.
Did you know that the Elf on the Shelf was the first Christmas Terrorist? Oh yeah, this creepy little guy is designed to keep kids GOOD during the holiday season (as if that could happen.) What a great ruse to come into your household!
In case you are wondering, here's a list helping spot potential terrorists:
How to spot a terrorist
Number 1 - "Surveillance. Often a terrorist will gather information about a potential target during the planning stages of an attack."
The Elf appears in your home. His job is to gather information about a potential target (you). Don't you wonder what type of information he is reporting, and really, do we all really know who "Santa" is? This "Santa" has been training Elves for years, what has he been teaching them?
Number 2 - Elicitation. Elicitation is the use of ordinary communications methods in order to gain information without being obvious about it. Does anyone think it is creepy that the elf sits there gaining information by ordinary conversation, or "eavesdropping?"
Number 3 - Tests of Security. Individuals or organizations planning terrorism will attempt to measure the capabilities of security apparatus. He comes into your house, doesn't that test your security? How does he get through all of our satellite security, across our borders and appear in your home? He's been testing security for years!
Number 4 - Fundraising. In order to fund an attack, terrorists will seek financial resources. I have noticed that when the Elf is in the house sometimes my wallet goes missing. How do you think he afforded the Lego set he left for my son?
Number 5 - Acquiring supplies. Purchasing or stealing explosives, weapons, ammunition, or bomb-making materials is a sign of terrorists acquiring supplies. For some reason the Elf appears and all the candy in the house starts disappearing. Coincidence? I think not!
Number 6 - Impersonation. Watch out for people who seem out of place. An elf? Dressed in red pajamas? Sitting on your fireplace mantle? Staring at you? Could the Elf be part of some "sleeper" cell?
Number 7 - Rehearsal. Terrorists will often rehearse a pending attack ensuring that their operation will run smoothly. That's why he appears year after year at our house, he's rehearsing for the big thing.
Number 8 - Deployment. Terrorists are arranging their assets, getting into position, or are in the midst of an attack. This is your last chance to alert the authorities before it’s too late.
This is why I am warning you. Watch that creepy little fella, there's something fishy about him, especially when he has fooled the CIA in his cuteness so they are not watching his whereabouts during the Christmas season. We know he is not from this country because of the Made In China sticker on his butt.
Dang, that little sucker moved last night and now I can't find him.
The kids have lost interest in decorating the house, they are now wrestling