How to properly sub your first exercise classes

I now have total respect.

Total respect.

For Fitness Instructors.

I've been taking fitness classes most of my life, in fact, I love exercising.  Getting older has made the classes more of a mandate as everything goes where it is not supposed to go.  I was asked by a friend to sub in a yoga class, then a Stretch Tone and Balance class as she is out of town.

Sure, I said, I've been taking these classes for-evah why not?  How hard can it be?

Hard.

It didn't help that I was up most of the night before the class running through the routine in my mind, almost getting out of bed making sure I knew the poses.  It didn't help that everyone, including me, was running late this morning so arriving at the yoga class with a calm and peaceful heart was not in the cards.

So I start with about 8 people running through my routine.  How can I properly screw up the class?

1.  It is hard to do yoga poses while explaining them to the class.  I have respect for the teacher that can still talk after a few sun salutations.  I sounded like a porn actress, my voice taking on a breathless quality because I was breathless!

2.  It is much harder holding the poses when people are watching you than hanging out in a class. My legs were shaking, I even caught myself holding my breath.

3.  My students were on the silver haired side, when several farted during holding the poses I tried not to laugh, then worried, am I doing too much?

I relax into it, running through all the sequences in my mind, acting like nothing was going on when a few other passes gas.  We get all the way to the end and as they are in corpse pose I realize, "Damn I never did a single child's pose during class!  No rest for anyone.  No wonder they were farting!"

The next class was working out with weights, I decided I had to look capable as an instructor and picked up 8lb weights rather than my 5lb weights.  By the end of it, I was sweating like a pig, the other women looking like they'd stepped out of the spa.  When we went to the mat to do our abdominal exercises I swear we all fell on the mat.

What did I learn out of this?

I am not too bad of a yoga instructor.  I have so much more to learn, I think this could be a new pursuit.

My arms are going to hate me after those 8lb weights for 35 minutes.

Nobody went running to management complaining that I killed them.

So maybe it was a good day.

I'll see how sore I am tomorrow.

WTF - Gym Style

The nice weather is here, I'm outside as much as possible and for very good reason.  There are reasons why I do not like going to the gym, and there are reasons I do like going to the gym.  We'll start with the bad news.


Reason Number One:  Those white spandex tights you think are not see through, well they are.  And the Juicy on the back of your underwear was the reason I spit water all over the treadmill.

Reason Number Two:  I don't need to see you without a shirt.  Believe me, there are a few I wouldn't mind, but please put your shirt back on.

Reason Number Three:  There is nothing worse than a strange smell on a yoga mat.  I have now purchased my own after running screaming for the shower after one particular class.

Reason Number Four:  If I wanted porn, I'd watch it at home.  Listening to you moan like a bad movie when lifting weight is not doing it.

Reason Number Five:  Those ladies walking around the locker room like they own it naked.  Especially when they come up to me while I'm naked saying, "I like your bra, where did you buy it?" Personal space people!

Reason Number Six:  An extra bubble in the hot tub.  Where the hell did that come from?

Finally, sometimes going to the gym can make you dumb.  Maybe it's something in the air, or something in the weights.

I went to the gym, with bad weather figured I'd take a run on the treadmill.  Set my RunKeeper, started the treadmill, and got in a nice 6 mile run.  Feeling refreshed, I looked down at my App.

What the hell?  It says I didn't do anything!  I just ran 6 miles.

What is wrong with this thing?  I think as I shake it.  Maybe I need to update it again.

I pause.

Oh.

I was running on a treadmill.  I really did go nowhere.

What are your favorite things about the gym!