How to Piss Off the Frozen Crowd - or, Let It Go!

Halloween is quickly approaching, and talking with several little girls excited about the holiday, I'm surprised how many are planning on dressing as Elsa.

You know they are coming.  No not the Walking Dead.  The Walking Elsas.

The movie Frozen playing out in your front yard.

Oh, we are going to see a lot of Elsa's.  So many that "Let it Go" may be forever etched on our mind after this year's holiday.

How do you combat the walking army of Elsa coming your way and still enjoy Halloween?  How can you keep all that candy you bought for yourself out of the hands of the little Frozen Queens?


Be creative with your trick or treaters.  Here's some ideas:

Open the door and become frozen.  Not the movie, but really Frozen.  Stand there frozen until the child gets ticked off and walks off your porch.  (More candy for you)

Answer the door saying, "Oh look it's Anna."  When they correct you say, "Oh I know, you're Ariel!"  When they get mad say, "OK, I get it you're Cinderella, she wore silver like that!"  Watch them walk off mad.  (more candy for you)

Get your own magic wand out and as you answer the door yell, "I got to you first!!"  Then slam the door.  (more candy for you)

Turn the heat up in the house to 89 degrees, open the door and say, "Sorry, can't freeze anything in here!"

Find a deer statue, spray paint it white, set it in the front yard.  Answer the door yelling, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"  If she runs away screaming then (more candy for you.)

Answer the door, holding a sword, saying, "Hi, I'm Prince Hans!"  Watch them run away.  (more candy for you)


Look at that little Elsa muttering, "My ex wife is colder than you."  Watch the parent pull the child away.  (more candy for you)

Open the door, saying, "Anna was way cooler!"  Watch her leave crying.  (More candy for you)

Learn the lyrics to the Frozen song, the real ones, "Do you want to hide a body?  Before it starts to decay?"  If she starts singing the other lyrics, run screaming back into your house.  (More candy for you)

Finally as you fight the 1,543,907th Elsa for your bowl of candy, simply scream:

"LET IT GO!"

(more candy for you)

If you are more interested in the liquid carbohydrates or candy.  Play this game:

The Frozen game.  Take a shot of ice cold vodka every time Elsa shows up at your door.  Believe me, after the 15th Elsa you will be singing Let It Go and thinking you sound pretty damn good!

WTF - What the Friday - Halloween Style

It's Friday and we survived another Halloween - even if my thighs feel another inch bigger after the binge on candy.  But during out trick or treating we has several WTF moments.

Whoppers - seriously, who gives out these things?  NOBODY likes them.  NOBODY.  I am tempted to egg your house for giving out handfuls of these.  Perhaps you are a dentist and figure no one's going to eat them so you're saving teeth in a covert kind of way.

Warners - these are the great parents that say, "Watch out, someone is going to jump out from behind that tree."  In my case, I worked hard to stay still holding that bucket of candy, waiting for them to get

close to jump up and offer candy.  Who are you?  The Lone Ranger?  The whole point of Halloween is to scare people - and you ARE RUINING IT!  Oh, and the next time you come, I'm hiding from you and scaring you FIRST!

Non dressers - no you do not look like a hoodlum.  No you cannot get candy if you are dressed up as yourself.  You may think you're pretty cool but no, it's not cutting it.  Period.

Fun Size - this is the biggest WTF.  Why do you call little bars the FUN size?  They are not fun?  They are little?  They should be called the Torture Size?  Or Starter Size because we all know you're going to eat the whole bag after that first Fun Size, right?

Wrappers - candy wrappers should be designed to spontaneously combust after 15 minutes when separated from the piece of candy.  This would make a lot of Moms happy and not thinking, "WTF" when they come downstairs the next morning to a mess on the floor.

Do Gooders - seriously.  It is Halloween.  Give out candy.  Floss?  Apples?  Pretzels (well, OK we did dip them in melted chocolate and eat them)  Give us one day when we can indulge in sugar and not feel guilty.  Plus you know everyone throws away the apples because of the possibility of razors in them.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween, I did.  I scared a bunch of little children and in my world, that's awesome.  Keep this list handy so you don't make any of these blunders next year.

What's your WTF for Halloween?

Grade Mom - who's idea was this?

I've been asked to be the Grade Mom by my 9 year old.  He did it after two glasses of wine, that sneaky kid!  So here is why he asked:

We have Fall (I am not allowed to say Halloween) treat bags for the last day of the quarter.  Like a good grade parent, I sent out the call for trinkets (I was trying to be responsible) for the bags.  Obviously all the parents must have good dental insurance (which I pay cash for) because the pile of candy that came in was astounding!  Here's why my son wanted this job.

"This bag says there are 30 pieces.  There are 23 kids in the class," he says.
"That AG math is paying off," I reply.
"I'm just going to eat the other 7 so everyone gets one, OK."

"This one is 140 pieces and since 23 goes into 6 times, I'm going to count those out and hold on to the rest."

Do you see a trend here?

"Look this bag is 3.5 POUNDS of candy, do you want me to count it out in groups of 23 - it is a good math exercise."

So he uses his Math skills, separates it all out.  Then leaves it in big piles all over the kitchen for ME to put in our candy bags.

Ten minutes later.

"We have too much candy, it's not fitting in the bags I bought."

My son smiles devilishly.



Oh and to that OTHER Grade Mom who's making Rainbow Loom bracelets out of the school colors for the class - well, you suck!  Especially when everyone in my class will have their teeth falling out saying, "Why didn't we get a bracelet?"

REAL Conversation Hearts

What candy hears should really say - For All The Single ladies--

U R NOT 4 ME

Y NOT GO AWAY

OUT OF YUR LEAGUE

U DON'T MAKE ENOUGH

DON'T WAIT 4 TXT

I'M NOT DESPERATE

TOO MUCH 4 U

NOT TODAY

NOT EVER

IT'S NOT ME IT'S U

LOOKS DO MATTER

C U LATER SUCCA

AIN'T GOT TIME FOR DAT

For the Kids in the family - 

YUR FACE - my boys love this saying so much, and it would fit so well on a conversation heart.

WTF? -  You know, Want The Fudge?

CLEAN YUR ROOM

Y YOU FIGHT

BRUSH YUR TEETH

STOP!

B-CAUSE I SAID SO

And Finally for us Moms - 

NAP 4 U

I'M IN THE TOILET, PLS!

GLASS O WINE

MILF

SEXY YOGA PANTS

CALL ME A SITTER