Fly fishing for salmon in Alaska, who would have thought? I’m picturing a River Runs Through it type fishing for us. Beautiful pictures, the fly going perfectly above the water, someone cute like Brad Pitt as our guide.
Slim,(not the Brad Pitt Type) our guide did not know what he was in store for. Standing there with his sport fishing sunglasses on, warm clothes, tackle and gear lined up - he's ready to catch some fish. As I approach the boat, we both look at each other think, “Oh hell.”
Did I give away my dorkiness when asking, “Do you wear your shoes inside the waders?”
That I came down to fish and forgot my fishing license?
That I am getting in on the wrong side of the boat?
That I mentioned I can play music on my iPhone while we fish?
Was it my sunglasses equipped with bifocals?
Was it how I fell into the boat loaded down in waders?
Or that I was dressed with 5 life is good T-shirts, one sweatshirt, a sweater, long under wear, a raincoat, and I'm still cold?
Did any of that give it away that I was totally out of my element?
I know he's look at me thinking, "I'm going to make a fisherman out of you." I'm looking at him thinking, "Something smells funny."
We get in the boat as it starts to rain, I’m thinking - well, this is perfect, already I’m cold and now it is raining. Not the perfect storm, we’re missing something.
Our spot was a chilly 30 minutes out, by the bank. Due to our dorkiness, he probably didn’t want us standing in the water in our waders. Slim is explaining the art of fly casting, I'm not listening, I am wondering, "What is that steady hum behind my head?" Slim makes sure I am listening this time, and has me cast a few times to show him I have caught on. He moves over to help Jeff and I can finally look behind me at the steady hum.
Bad idea.
Welcome, a black cloud of mosquitos whispers as it hovers behind my face. Like the arrows in the cartoon shows, they form a black arrow saying, "ATTACK!" They land on the only exposed part of my body - my face, as a fish lands on the line. I’m trying to reel the fish in while smacking around my eyes. Slim, trying to toughen me up says, "Don't worry about them, they don't carry any diseases. Just reel the fish in slowly." I'm thinking, "I've become a human smorgasbord! I feel like I am at the red cross giving blood. One of the F*ckers just flew up my nose!" I try to stay cool as he walks around with the net, reeling the fish in until finally he nets it. I drop the rod and smack my own face, then look at the fish. Well, it is a big one, I try to pick it up and a big trail of slime slips it out my hand. Slim comes over with a club and starts smacking the fish as I watch. Ewww. Poor fishy. That's a lot of blood. Ugh, I have to do it again?
I finally figure out how to cast as Slim yells, "There's a big wad of sockeye coming through, get ready!" I’m waiting for it, waiting, throw out what I think is the best cast of my life and hook-
The bush behind me.
The fish are swimming by, thinking, "SUCKER!" I turn around to walk back to the bush and my hook, the mosquitos thinking, "Look our dinner is walking right to us!"
I catch the tree behind me, the bush, some weeds from the bottom but also 5 sockeye salmon. I'm not going to admit to Slim that catching the fish was actually quite fun. We head back in to meet up with the group and discuss our day. Of course there’s drinks in the lounge first. I walk back in and all the seasoned fisher people are looking at me strangely.
Probably because I look like Elephant woman, I’ve got welts above my eye, down the side of my cheek, and the little bastards even got the top of my lips! I almost say, "I am a human, not an animal!"
A quick stop to buy the maximum DEET poison spray, a nice bug bucket mosquito net for my face, and gloves to cover every exposed part of my body.
Now I understand why Alaskans call the state bird - the mosquito. You watch out critters, tomorrow is another day.
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