Working With My Obsessive Son....

My son is sometimes jokingly refered to as Rainman, meaning he can get a LITTLE obsessed about things.  Here's different ways I add a little levity to his day.

Add an extra wing to his order.

I'll leave out a Lego toy with one piece that cannot be centered on the block, no matter how many ways you try it.

I will always leave extra time sitting on the Microwave.

Buy cheap staples.  Have you ever tried to staple with cheap staples?


But a cheap three hole punch.  Have you ever tried to punch with a three hold punch?

Leave the milk in the refrigerator AFTER the expiration date, which to me is the "sell by" date.

Screw up the directions of the board game.  Or accidentally count out the wrong change in Monopoly.

Not measure a thing when cooking.

Open the Doritos bag from the bottom.  And rip the side of it.

Forget about organizing socks - they are hidden in his shoes anyway.

Wear your Christmas socks in July.

Purposely point out the hot dog/hot dog bun dilemma.

Stand in front of the TV when he is at a particularly important part of his video game.

Point out that a lot of his texts have grammatical errors.

Wash his clothes in the "Lilac" scented Unstoppables.

Leave my car windows down just enough to create that "sonic boom" type noise.

You know I do this because I love him, and I'm teaching him how to laugh at things rather than take them so seriously.  Well OK, we are both working on that one.

What do you do to annoy your kids?

You could show him this:

Too much Criminal Minds Makes You Freaky!

One of my favorite shows is Criminal Minds, so much so that I've recorded most of it and watch it when there is nothing else on TV.  I never realized how much too much Criminal Minds can change the way you look at things.

Riding my bike today I passed this family farm.  There was a shed with the door open and the sounds of a motor coming through the open door.  Pre Criminal Minds, I'd just keep riding past.  Post Criminal Minds I wonder if he is dismembering a body in there and listen intently for the scream of the victim to confirm my suspicion.

Questioning motives.  My boys wanted to go on a hike.  They packed snacks, duct tape and a hammer. I must say I walked behind them the entire way.

Does your mind wander when you chop up a pomegranate and look at the blood, I mean juice on the knife?

I hate glass doors now.  Sitting home by myself writing, I get the creeps anytime I open/close or walk past a glass door.  Too many episodes of the killer standing out there in the door looking through the glass.  This is especially worse on closing a glass door as you always half see someone staring at you in the reflection.

How can you ever look at duct tape the same?  Even if it is Hello Kitty Duct Tape.

I've removed the medicine cabinets.  We all know that once you close a medicine cabinet, especially one with a mirror you are basically screwed, or skewered or chopped or drugged.  Get rid of them now.

I cannot look outside any window in my home when it is dark outside.

This morning on my way to school I passed a refrigerated truck that was showing its age.  I sped up to look into the windows making sure there wasn't meat packing equipment hanging from the ceiling.  I then sped again to look at the driver because most of them look really scary on TV.  If there was a combination of both, I was making a citizens arrest.

The good news is that watching this show has made me rethink about getting into prostitution, apparently these girls are GONERS!



How fast can you walk?  When it is dark, and you realized you parked your car in the far corner of the parking lot for the exercise?

Tonight since I am by myself, and I must protect my kids like the Momma Bear that I am, I am sleeping with the Butcher Knife under my pillow and the phone on the nightstand.

Wait a minute.  What if he texts me that he's coming to get me, what do I do then?

How has Criminal Minds changed the way you look at things?

Lessons learned from Fast and Furious

My name is Kelly, and I am a Mom.  I can't help myself, I've been to the theater to watch every Fast and Furious movie including Fast and Furious 6.






Here's my review and lessons learned:

There are only a few people that look good in wife beater shirts.  Yes, down south we called them wife beaters, and there are few that can rock this look.  All the guys in Fast and Furious 6 can wear these shirts, and don't make the mistake of buying one for your sweet hubby thinking he will rock it too.  You have to be in a car movie with beautiful girls to take the eye off of you to rock the wife beater shirt.

Gravity when filming this movie?  Ain't nobody got time for that!

Never let them see you sweat.  Even in 100 degree heat while fighting the group of 16 men sent to kill you, our heros are in dark T-shirts without a single sweat stain.  Perhaps they put anti-persperant all over their bodies.  I may have to try that.

These are some epic fight scenes - these fights are so long that I caught myself a few times checking my phone as they slugged away at each other,

Girls just want to have fun.  I have never seen such big fights between the girls.  Usually my girl fights are, "Are you wearing the same shirt as me?"  These girls slug each other in the face (and don't care about messing up the makeup) in the belly and a quick kick into the groin area, for a girl?  Me?  Two punches to the face and I'd be laying there saying, "I'm done.  You go ahead and steal that secret computer chip, I'm going to find an ice pack."


They know that rednecks are watching this movie.  This is evident in the warning at the end of the movie, however it was written in a language that most do not understand.
"The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals and should not be attempted at home."
Who heeds that?
Rather it should say, "Listen you are an idiot, we know you will try these stunts - at least wear a helmet."

They are using real people.  I spied a jiggly butt in the scene where all the girls are dancing around the car getting ready to race.  No cellulite, just some jiggles but it made me feel better as I said, "Hey, she looks like ME!"

Watch carefully - some of the fight sequences, and chasing sequences had me going, "Who is that running down the steps?  Is he a good guy or a bad guy?"

Expensive clothing stays put - amazingly, low gut J. Crew tank tops on girls stay put as they flip each other onto the floor and claw at each other like cats.  Reminds me of the fight scenes in The Rifleman where he could get punched in the face and his 15 gallon hat stays on!  Real Life?  Boobs popping out, rips in the shirt and blood and not just on the clothing.

I need to train more for my next cameo in the movie - these characters can fight for over 20 minutes, chase a bad guy for 30 minutes, and have marathon lovemaking sessions with out a single, "Stop, I got a stitch in my side."  or "I got to catch my breath" or "God, my plantar fasciatus is KILLING me!"

Love is fickle - apparently you can dump your current love of your life for the woman who doesn't even remember you and everyone is happy and has your back when the bullets fly.  Better yet, your ex girlfriend ends up meeting one of your friends and becomes the love of "their" life.

Death is but a dream.  You do not die in these movies, you fade away if you are not considered an interesting character until you need to come back and get killed.  Then you die.  Maybe.

All in all, this is a great movie - action packed, full of eye candy, and an actual story line to boot.  Sure the action scenes are completely unreal, but who really would pay to see regular redneck cars, sweaty guys with yellow armpit stains and girls fighting in the mud.  Shoot, we could go to the next family reunion to find that one.

Have you seen Fast and Furious 6?  What do you think?

Don't MAKE me come over there! - Why I chose to have kids...

Children are a blessing.  They teach us so many important things.  Here's a few on my list:

I really wanted to see how long I could go without sleep.

I wanted to let go of my ego - childbirth - you completely let go of worrying about what ANYONE thinks about you.

I wanted an excuse to wear yoga pants.



I needed to learn how to multi-task - specifically with as many things happening at once as possible.

I needed someone to argue with besides the voices in my head.

I needed an excuse to eat Oreos, Fruit Rollups, Twinkies and Birthday Cake Ice Cream.

I wanted to go to Disney movies and not look like a pedophile.

I needed to hone my cooking skills, specifically how quickly I can make a meal with as few ingredients as possible.

I needed an excuse to let my body go to shit.  Somebody told me you'd get bigger boobs, not that they'd end up longer not bigger.

I needed a lesson in patience - rather, I needed to learn how much patience I actually have.

I need to learn how to not kill people - my kids kept me from becoming a serial killer.

They don't let women in combat, so I decided to create my own front line.

I didn't have a thesaurus - so now I have learned the many creative ways to say "butt" and "poop" and "stupid.".

I needed more mental challenge - especially trying to figure out the "why" in the "it sounded like a good idea" adventures.

I needed to add more sprints to my running workout - from chasing a toddler, to chasing a tweenie who just made a really bad decision.

I wanted to become immortal and the Fountain of Youth was just a myth.

The making the kids part - well, that was pretty cool.  Somebody should have explained the end result a little better.

What made you create your minions?

My Mom Did WHAT?

I love my kids, I especially love how uptight they are and how easy it is to harass them.  Remember as a parent we thought we were cool until we had children, then with the first humiliation of childbirth to the long list of raising kids - we have the perk now of getting back at them!    Need to cement a few memories in YOUR child's life?  Here's how:

Enunciate completely every.word.of.your.order when you are the take out window.   "YES, I WOULD LIKE A DOZEN DOUGHNUTS - THREE CINNAMON BUNS, SIX RAINBOW SPRINKLES, THREE CHOCOLATE SPRINKLED AND THREE ORIGINAL SUGAR GLAZED HOT AND FRESH NOW PLEASE."

Pack their lovey in their school book bag, guarantee they will not fall asleep in any class worrying about that one.

Make them wait with you in the food court of the mall until you MEET every friend they are hanging out with, make their friends stop and sit for a minute while you, "Get to know them."

Label their lunch box - down to writing "napkin" on the napkin.  "Sandwich," "Apple slices," "Tasty Kake."

Take them shopping with you.  Better yet take them to the swimsuit or bra department.

Show them you still have it - especially in front of their friends.  I am very proud that I can still say every word to "Devil Went Down To Georgia" including the Chicken in a bread pan pickin out dough.

Show up in your workout gear to school.  Honestly, I think this is cool because I am actually going to WORK OUT.  But if I really want to embarrass them, I wear my neon tights without underwear, leg warmers, and headband to complete the outfit.

Making them pose out in public for a picture, especially if they are with their friends.  Then make them stay for 4 more pictures because it "just isn't coming out right" or "wait a minute there standing on the fountain, my camera isn't loading yet."

Jump out of the car in the carpool line (in your pajamas) and yell, "Snuggle!  You forgot your lunchbox!"

Tell stories to their friends about the time they picked up the bagel off the floor, took a bite and told you it tasted funny.  You told them to eat it anyway and after another bite and crying realized the dog had peed on it.

Barge in on them in the dressing room and check to see how clothes "look" or "fit."  My mother always liked to grab the crotch part of the pants making sure, "it wasn't too tight."

Legal Disclaimer - author of this post is not liable for any damages or therapy needed by attempting the actions of this list.  This is a list for professional tormentors only, DO NOT ATTEMPT.  No legal action can be taken against the author of this post as she has no money due to the therapy bills for her own children.

Remember that important part of "embarrass" is that you make an "ass" out of yourself because that's the fun of it.  How do you embarrass your children?

How to be happy-----really.....

How to stay happy.  That Grey Area style.....

Spend one hour reading through Facebook - you'll soon realize your life is a heck of a lot better than everyone elses.

Don't worry the small stuff unless you are tripping over it on the floor.

Take some "me" time for yourself - usually with a nice glass of red or white or small shot.

Eat Healthy - always tell yourself that Chocolate cake IS healthy - it has eggs, milk - SEE?

Watch what you drink - if you spill it then there is less for you.

Get outside and get some exercise - it is the only time you can really get away from them.  Really.

Live in the moment - going into the past makes you think of all your parenting fails, and going forward moves you into-----teenagers!  Both of which suck the joy out of the moment.

Lie in the grass and stare at the sky - the rest of the family will think you are dead and not bother you.

Open the refrigerator and sweep everything out and into the trash.  You'll feel liberated that you don't have to open that container hidden in the back for the past year.

If you really want to get away to a safe place?  Hide in the laundry room, no one will find you there because you are the only one that really knows it exists.

Remember happiness is not found anywhere except in your mind.  (OK, sometimes in a bottle especially if it is a Magnum, but I digress) so plan on being happy and you know what, eventually you will be!

How do you find happiness?

They said THAT? Favorite Disney lines translated.

My name is Kelly and I love Disney movies, but really?

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Cinderella - I'm not sure this is true, because my heart is not dreaming about Johnny Depp rolling over in the bed and saying, "Good Morning Starshine."

Whistle While You Work - Snow White - no one, I repeat no one, would whistle while cleaning out a boys room, that would require pulling air in through your nose.

The Past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it, or face it - The Lion King   True, I choose to run from the gold shiny parachute pants and the one, and only perm I ever received.

Always let your conscience be your guide - PInoccio   Oh really Pinnoccio?  And you've told the truth?  Have you ever seen a child's face when you explain the last Reese Cup fell into the toilet as you are picking peanut butter out of your teeth?


Nothing's Impossible - Alice In Wonderland   Oh yeah Alice?  Have you ever tried to get gum out the dog's hair?  Or the science experiment of making our own caramel over the stove off the ceiling?

To Infinity and Beyond - Buzz Lightyear  I feel the same way, would you like another glass of wine?

Even Miracles Take a Little time - Cinderella  What?  Ain't nobody got time for that!

They say if you dream a thing more than once, it's going to come true - Sleeping Beauty.  I'm working on just sleeping through the night, then I'll look at the pictures of The Rock before I fall asleep.

Reach for the sky - Buzz Lightyear   But then my belly fat will show!


Hakuna Matada, it means no worries for the rest of the day.  I've got a better word - Cardboardeaux, it really does make the worries go away.

Don't be fooled by its commonplace appearance.  Like so many things, it is not what outside, but what is inside that counts.  And THAT, is why I buy wine in the box!

What do you do when things go wrong?  You sing a song - Snow White.  Seriously?  How about "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..." from behind the bars?

Giving up is for rookies - Hercules  Hercules has never seen the lunch box thermos finally found in  lost and found after three 3 weeks.  Give up, throw it away.

For each dawn, she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true - Cinderella  Each dawn I can open my eyes from that wonderful dream, then sigh as the alarm clock rolls off Back In Time from Pittbull and hope for a new day tomorrow.


One thing I did learn from a Disney movie?  It's not OK to talk to strangers-----well, unless they are really good looking then it's OK because they are your future husband.


What's your favorite Disney Movie Line?  Do you think they tell the truth?

What were you thinking? Boys logic

I like to think little boys minds are in the growing stage, that explains some of the logic they use for things they do.  Here's a few gems from my boys that make me scratch my head.

The reason the empty carton of orange juice goes back in the fridge is to remind you to pick up OJ.

The wet towel on the floor actually cleans some of the dirt away as you pick it up.

I like tuna fish, let's see if the dog likes it as much as I do.

If you can't find the dishes then technically they don't need to be cleaned.

I am dirtier than you because I am closer to the ground than you.

There is this magical place in our room, it is called the floor.  You drop clothes on in and the very next day they appear back in your drawer folded and smelling very nice.

If you can't smell it then it never happened.

Someone said the orange in Cheetos is real cheddar cheese.

What comes out of the dresser drawer, never goes back in the dresser drawer.

If I open a cabinet drawer, why waste the energy to close it?

If I hit my brother and you don't see it, then it was an accident.

Why can't you check my pockets before you wash the clothes?

If you didn't see the dog eat it, then I finished it just like I said I did.

Why brush my teeth if I'm just going to ruin them by eating breakfast?

Law of Attraction - if my brother has it, even if I threw it away, I want it back.

Girls?  Who needs them - all they do is break your crayons and cry all the time.

That shrug?  It means, "yeah I love you too, now don't make me hug you in public."


What other types of logic would you add?

Happy Mother's Day Shot@Life!

This Post was written for the Shot@Life Mother's Day Meme with Sisters From Another Mister.  I am honored to be one of the 20 bloggers writing posts about Mother's Day.  I really tried to get all mushy and say sweet things about being a mother - but then I realized that I need to be myself.  My post is about those tale tell signs you are a mother.

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I have made my donation to this great cause because as a mother, I know we want the best for our children and mothers shouldn't have to choose between vaccinating a children and keeping food on the table.  A simple $20 donation can immunize a child for their lifetime!  So if you like this post, share it on Facebook and Twitter and let's start spreading the word!

Want to donate?  See below!

A mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child.  

How do you know you are a Mother?

Grey hair - remember that full head of beautiful hair until - them.  Now most of the hair has either been pulled out (in the beginning by a toddler, later by you) and colored out of a box.

Loss of Hearing - being selective or the constant din of life at home, most Moms are heard saying, "What?"

Nose Protrusion - Do not mess with a Mom on a scent mission - let her move through the house unhindered as she searches out the culprit for "that smell."  And even if you don't smell it, agree with her because when she finds it under your bed, the "I told you so," doesn't last that long.

The slight limp in your walk.  It starts with holding a child in your arms for the first year of their life.  I never realized love handles were actually handles for children to hold onto.  The limp is from favoring one hip for a child permanently bowing one leg.

One arm longer than the other - this is due to spending a lifetime picking up stuff from the floor.

Indentation on your foot - this permanent mark on the bottom of your foot is caused from stepping on something left from a child - a lego, a Barbie Doll shoe, a marble.

Movement - moms are that person standing in the grocery line rocking back and forth.  No, we do not have a child in our arms, but we still rock back and forth - it is a habit we will take with us for the rest of our lifetime..

As a mother, I have each and every one of these traits and I walk proudly with them.  Only other Moms know the hard work and determination that goes into shaping and molding that little ovum that united with sperm into a functioning adult.  We also know that we are not perfect, because being perfect means we are doing something wrong.  Happy Mother's Day to me, I'm going to do what I desire to do on that day - sitting on the couch watching my Duck Dynasty 
marathon while my children work on adding a few notches to their character.

Take that you therapist in the future.

Here is how you can make a difference
Find out more about Shot@Life

Visit Sisters From Another Mister and make your donation now.

The Mothers day meme runs  May 8th and run until the 18th.

We invite you to become part of it.  Write your post about your mother, being a mother or simply Mother's Day. Make a donation of a minimum of $10 linking up your post, (better yet, $20 can immunize a child FOR LIFE)

This is two simple cups of coffee and you've helped a child!

Of course, all donations are tax deductible.

And the Bonus for this meme is that every post and comment will give you an entry into some fun giveaways!

Team ImmUNITY Nicole Morgan – shot@life

A REAL Mother's Day...

Broke?  Have money but not sure what to buy?  Here's some great free ideas for Mother's Day.

1.  Breakfast in Bed - one year my boys gave me a Miller Lite and a piece of burnt toast for Mother's Day.  Let's be honest, wouldn't you like that better than burnt eggs and weak coffee?

2.  That someone in my home would look at me and say, "Yes, I hear you."

3.  That same someone or maybe someone else will say, "You know what?  You are right.  Stabbing myself in the eye, sniffing the pepper, riding my bike off the pier, eating a whole bottle of Texas Pete was not a good idea.  I'm going to listen to you!"

4.  All the towels on the floor will mysteriously disappear and reappear folded neatly on the towel rack.

5.  I'll go through the morning routine, then stop suddenly and think, "Hey, there wasn't dog poop on the steps.  Did SOMEONE pick it up?"

6.  That I will see the bottom of the coffee cup before it turns cold.

7.  An entire shower of hot water.

8.  That I do not have to hear, "STOP!"  For just one day.....I'm begging.

9.  That there will not be greek tragedy at the dinner table.  You will eat it, you will not complain about it, AND you will like it.

10.  That everyone will come running into the room, sit next to me on the couch and say, "Wow Titannic, that's one of my FAVORITE movies."

Have you been sucked into a Black Hole? I bet you have!

The definition of a Black Hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light cannot get out.  Scientists travel to outer space researching these when there are few right her in our back yard that could provide substantial information.  What?  You didn't know about the black holes we have?

The Purse - this is a small black hole, scientists think these smaller black holes originated at the beginning of the universe.  The size of the black hole is dependent on the size of the purse.  Scientists call Black Holes small but their MASS or the amount of stuff they hold can be massive.  This is true when you are looking for your keys, reading glasses, lipstick, business card, pen, pencil, nail clippers, super glue, or deodorant.  The hole starts at the bottom of the purse and continues out to pockets on the side of the purse.  Items have been know to be lost for not just hours but days and into years with one woman reporting she found a piece of her child's umbilical cord in the bottom of her purse.

The Office - The example of a black hole in the office is that one co-worker's office.  Small black holes consists of cubicles, the larger ones usually have a door between gravity and anti gravity.  Scientists have confirmed chains of black holes in the office that start with the receptionist desk then move to the water cooler and finally end in a supermassive nova of the lunch room.  Protecting yourself from these black holes consist of arriving 1 hour prior to the arrival of other employees and carrying the protection of an iPhone to use as a distraction to get past the black holes.


The School - this is the second type of black hole, next in size called the Stellar Black Hole.  The opening of this hole is at the front door of any school - elementary, middle, college.  A parent can see the time of their day sucked clean by the first teacher that stops asking a question.  Answering that question secures the parent in the black hole for the office administrators to come out and ask a question, followed by the PTA representatives followed by the child that they thought they got away from realizing they are back in school and coming back begging that they feel sick and want to go home.

The Mall - these are the largest or what scientists call SuperMassive black holes.  The deprivation of oxygen in these massive structures can cause strange syndromes in humans.  IWannaHaveIt is a syndrome where the human spots something in a store that looks perfect when the oxygen is thin in the mall, then once they get it home they realize they look like a Hootchie Mama.  Many humans have been sucked into these black holes, only to escape out the revolving door with a missing amount of cash in their wallet and several shopping bags in their hand.

Are Black Holes destroying out universe?  Yes, many scientists cite the Black Hole of Walmart.  There are many stories of humans disappearing into these Holes and returning with a complete personality change.  Some have said the use of an electric wheelchair was the only way to escape the gravitational pull.  Others have surfaced a few days later with a case of Coors Light, some ammo and a pack of Depends.

How do you protect yourself from Black Holes?  Your first choice is to avoid them.  If you cannot avoid them, arm yourself with a small child that whines and complains until the gravitation pull lets go of both of you for a bit of peace and quiet.

If you fall into the Black Hole of Great Book - have a great time and we'll talk to you later.

What are your black holes?