WTF - New Mom vs Seasoned Mom

New Mom only feeds home cooked organic oatmeal to her children for breakfast.
Seasoned Mom says no to the chocolate bar for breakfast then pours a big bowl of Captain Crunch.


New Mom watching child on the playground and says, "Be careful" with LOVE.
Seasoned Mom watching child and says "Be Careful" because she doesn't have time that afternoon for a trip to the ER, and said child is wearing white, no one ever gets blood out of white.


New Mom still say, "Why did you do that?"
Seasoned Moms know that is the most useless question out there along with, "Are you busy?"

New Moms have a 5 second rule.
Seasoned Moms have the "just blow the ants off of it, it's good," Rule.


New Moms keep a beach full of mismatched socks in case they find socks.
Seasoned Moms point to the bag saying, "That IS all of your socks."


New Moms think they can act asleep and the child will go on their merry way.
Seasoned Moms have learned the art of slowing their pulse into "death mode" in an attempt to get an extra 15 minutes on a Saturday morning.

New Moms always check expirations on food for their children.
Seasoned Moms have the "I sniffed it and didn't pass out, it's good" test on food.


New Moms have the kids and themselves dressed and out the door in time for school.
Seasoned Moms are late to school and have to walk their child wearing, "I wasn't planning on getting out of the car" style they love.


New Moms get the shit scared out of them at 330 in the morning when a child quietly walks to their bedside waiting for them to wake up.
Seasoned Moms feel the presence and go back to sleep figuring if its a serial killer there's not a whole lot they can do at 330 in the morning.


New Moms feel guilty when someone else is cleaning their home.
Seasoned Moms sit back with a glass of wine and watch.


New Moms gladly eat the fried skin of the chicken on their plate so the child can eat all the good stuff.
Seasoned Moms tell their kids the food on their plate is extremely spicy enjoying all the goodness for themselves.


New Moms keep a child home from school because they "don't feel well."
Seasoned Moms take all the lightbulbs out of the room so the child cannot put the thermometer on a hot bulb warming it up to "hell is on fire" temperature.


New Moms take the lunch back to school when it is forgotten.
Seasoned Moms figure the "I forgot to put money on your school lunch account so it is prison lunch for you," will teach them a lesson.


New Moms think a "beautiful well day" would be great, let me keep the kids home and enjoy them.
Seasoned Moms remember how well the last "well day"went and will never do that again.


New Moms give the kid being an ass in public a smile saying, "It's just one of those days."
Seasoned Moms give that child a look that says, "Remember there's only you and me when we get home.  Soon, my friend, soon."


New Moms lay out their clothes the night before.
Seasoned Moms tell them they are on their own picking up their clothes from the floor sniffing them to see if they are clean.


New Moms look at that mess thinking, "Oh well, at least he's being creative."
Seasoned Moms look at that mess thinking, "You'd better be cleaning something or fleeing in the next ten seconds."

WTF - Laundry Edition

I always quote Robert Frost during Laundry Day:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

Mine is a little different, I smile and say:

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

I realized there are two different versions to doing the laundry.

Mom's Guide to Laundry:

Put the Vics Petroleum Jelly under your nose to cut the smell.

Go into each room picking up all the clothes off the floor.

One damp because the dog though, well if it is there then I must pee on it.

Separate everything out into Whites, Colors and Darks.

Wash Whites on Hot, with a cup of bleach.

Wash colors on Warm.

Wash Darks on Cold.

Pull each piece from the washing machine, fluff before putting in the dryer, this helps them dry quicker.

Pull everything out, getting pissed off that every single T-shirt is inside out.

Fold all the clothes.

Set them on beds for your angelic children to put away.

Easy right?

Kids Guide To Laundry.

Make sure everything is inside out. 

You underwear belongs still attached to your pants which are inside out.

Socks must be in tight balls, with several still snuggling under the covers of your bed.

Stuff as much as you can into the washer.  Hot? Cold? Warm? They are all clothes!!

Do not empty pockets, wash two chap sticks, one pack of Kleenex and a Jolly Rancher Candy.

Don't check anything coming out of the wash, pull it all in one big lump and stuff in the dryer.

Turn the dryer on the hottest setting because this will dry the clothes faster.

Pull everything out of the dryer.

Throw on your bed.

Wonder why you have oil stains on your jeans until you find empty Chapstick containers.

Move everything to the floor when you go to bed.

Figure if it is on the floor, then it's dirty.

Rinse, repeat.

Of course, for those Frost lovers, here's my version of the entire poem:

Whose clothes are these I think I know.   

I bought at Recess a week ago;   

They do not wear them, instead   

Drop them to the floor, beside the bed.   

As a Mom, I must think it queer   

Finding clothes on the floor when a hamper is near   

Between the bed and closet door   

That extra step must be a chore.   

Picking up a shirt, I give it a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

I swear I just laundered this piece a day ago   

I never saw a child wear it tho.   

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

Happy Mother's Day Shot@Life!

This Post was written for the Shot@Life Mother's Day Meme with Sisters From Another Mister.  I am honored to be one of the 20 bloggers writing posts about Mother's Day.  I really tried to get all mushy and say sweet things about being a mother - but then I realized that I need to be myself.  My post is about those tale tell signs you are a mother.

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I have made my donation to this great cause because as a mother, I know we want the best for our children and mothers shouldn't have to choose between vaccinating a children and keeping food on the table.  A simple $20 donation can immunize a child for their lifetime!  So if you like this post, share it on Facebook and Twitter and let's start spreading the word!

Want to donate?  See below!

A mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child.  

How do you know you are a Mother?

Grey hair - remember that full head of beautiful hair until - them.  Now most of the hair has either been pulled out (in the beginning by a toddler, later by you) and colored out of a box.

Loss of Hearing - being selective or the constant din of life at home, most Moms are heard saying, "What?"

Nose Protrusion - Do not mess with a Mom on a scent mission - let her move through the house unhindered as she searches out the culprit for "that smell."  And even if you don't smell it, agree with her because when she finds it under your bed, the "I told you so," doesn't last that long.

The slight limp in your walk.  It starts with holding a child in your arms for the first year of their life.  I never realized love handles were actually handles for children to hold onto.  The limp is from favoring one hip for a child permanently bowing one leg.

One arm longer than the other - this is due to spending a lifetime picking up stuff from the floor.

Indentation on your foot - this permanent mark on the bottom of your foot is caused from stepping on something left from a child - a lego, a Barbie Doll shoe, a marble.

Movement - moms are that person standing in the grocery line rocking back and forth.  No, we do not have a child in our arms, but we still rock back and forth - it is a habit we will take with us for the rest of our lifetime..

As a mother, I have each and every one of these traits and I walk proudly with them.  Only other Moms know the hard work and determination that goes into shaping and molding that little ovum that united with sperm into a functioning adult.  We also know that we are not perfect, because being perfect means we are doing something wrong.  Happy Mother's Day to me, I'm going to do what I desire to do on that day - sitting on the couch watching my Duck Dynasty 
marathon while my children work on adding a few notches to their character.

Take that you therapist in the future.

Here is how you can make a difference
Find out more about Shot@Life

Visit Sisters From Another Mister and make your donation now.

The Mothers day meme runs  May 8th and run until the 18th.

We invite you to become part of it.  Write your post about your mother, being a mother or simply Mother's Day. Make a donation of a minimum of $10 linking up your post, (better yet, $20 can immunize a child FOR LIFE)

This is two simple cups of coffee and you've helped a child!

Of course, all donations are tax deductible.

And the Bonus for this meme is that every post and comment will give you an entry into some fun giveaways!

Team ImmUNITY Nicole Morgan – shot@life

It's a Valentine's Pinterest War!

Valentine's is a day of love, excitement, and perhaps for a few of us, a reason to get lucky during the week.  Valentine's is also a holiday of low self esteem when you are a mom, when your child comes home from school with that handmade mailbox full of reasons why you suck as a mom.

When I was a kid the only dilemma on Valentine's day was how to write the name of the boy you "liked" on your Hardy Boy valentine.  If I write it too big he'll know I like him.  If I write it too small, he'll think I DON'T like him.  Wait, does this Valentine say "love you," oh I can't send this to him because then he'll really know that I like him.

Now, no one sent me the memo about the competition on Valentine's Day between Moms.  That this holiday was renamed, "Oh I'm a crafty wench," for Moms as their children brought in the hand decorated wagon of full of homemade treats and cards for the class.

My first hint was watching all the different things my friends were pinning on Pinterest.  "Wow, look Martha is making clay impressions of her son's heart out of cookie dough then hiding a SB Anthony dollar in each one before she baked them.  Now, that's crafty."

I thought it was the usual Pinterest game, that people were simply in a pinning war to show other Moms that we can all find the super craft stuff, but no one really DOES it right?

Then the mailbox comes home.  One Mom hand stenciled a Robert Frost poem in a perfect heart on a cut out doily attached to beautiful Valentine themed card stock.  Another, made her own Valentine paper with seeds of love in the paper, the children should plant the paper and watch their love grow.  And yet another drew 27 scale replicas of the Universe with a little "you are here with my heart" decoupaged over the Earth.  (Oh very crafty, a learning lesson and valentine?)  Then there's the one that made cookies that look like each child with hand lettered love poem for each one.

Me, I sent in the boxes of Candy Hearts.  I've got a whole Pinterest board of crap I could do for Valentine's Day but who's got time for that.  The basketball game was on last night and I had better things to do.

What I am going to do, is find some really crafty Pinterest pin about what to do with all the leftover Valentine crap and pin it to start freaking all the Moms out.  Maybe I can create a post Valentine, "Oh I can do crafty things with all your crafty things" holiday.

And you know what, my son went through his box, tossed all the cards and notes, even the exact replica of the human body in toothpicks, and went straight for the candy.  Take that you Moms.

How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

What would you ask your Mom?

It' s been a great mother's day for me, starting with breakfast in bed and now a champagne toast to the resident celebrity - ME!  My family is trying really hard to show me the love in not fighting for a day, smiling as they listen to Colbie Callait, and even making baked kale chips instead of fritos!  It's days like these that make me miss my Mom, I think about all the silly thing we did for her for Mother's Day.  She loved every hand made card, just like me, loved all the burnt toast, just like me, AND didn't pass up a champagne toast, just like me.

I miss my Mom in that I wish I could ask her questions.  I mean did she really get all the billy goat hairs that are appearing on my chinny chin chin?  As I edge closer to immortality, are these changes normal- specifically the fricking weight gain after a day of only eating a blueberry and almond?  Was I such a pain in the ass as a child and how did she get through it?  Some of my questions serious, some of them funny, but I guess what I'd love to hear the most is her voice.

She could tell me all her usual sayings, "oh, I'll give you something to cry about" or "don't make me have to come over there," "you are so much like your father," just to hear her say it.  I'd laugh with her about all the obedience classes for our Golden Retriever and how the neighbors knew our dog shit in their yard because it had flourescent crayon specks in it.  I'd laugh about Dr. Mom, when the head popped off of my doll and she had to "go into surgery."  I'd laugh about her going out in the rain and wind because a neighbors trash can fell over and all his Playboy magazines were blowing down the street (my brother later took those from our trash cans and disappeared with them)  I'd laugh that she still hung the laundry during locust season in a trench coat, boots and hat.  I'd finally tell her where I hit the silver belt she used to beat me with and most of the times I deserved it.

Then we'd sit and have a champagne toast to each other, her for teaching me so much, putting up with her wild child and me for getting it right - for a change!  Then we'd pull out the tweezers and pick out each other's billy goat hairs.  What would you ask your Mom?