Father's Day or Taking One For The Family

Why do we celebrate Dads?  Here's a few good reasons:

They were the original butt sniffers.  Sniffing the butt tells them whether or not to conveniently hand the child over to Mom for a diaper change.

He can fix anything with duct tape.  Yes, a leaky pipe, a broken bicycle seat, a rip in snowboarding pants to a child's attitude.  Duct tape takes care of everything!

They love science.  Especially the Science experiments in the refrigerator.  My husband just took a plastic container out of the fridge and almost fell to him knees when he opened it.  Or the piece of meat he pulled out of the freezer, looked at us, saying, "May 26th 2001?"

Not many people can handle fishing.  Or fish hooks.  Or fish hooks in the finger.  Or fish hooks in your brother's hair.  Or fish hooks in your ear.

They take a lot of crap.  Specifically with a plunger.  Because.  Well, they do.

He doesn't mind moths.  Especially those that fly out of his wallet after summer clothes shopping for boys.

Nothing bothers him.  Dads can fall asleep anywhere.  Preferably the snoring kind, that way they drown out of the noise of the children.

The Dad telling his son to pour glitter on himself and stand in the sunlight to attract girls?

Epic.

Finally,

Who else signs on for 18 years of loss of sleep, an empty wallet, arguing and smiles about it?

The "Daddy's Out Of Town" Contract

So, Dad is traveling.  There are few things we need to make clear:

1.  Let's not announce the morning runs to Krispy Kreme, he really doesn't need to know they now have Birthday Cake Batter Doughnuts.  Mom's thighs will announce that when he returns.

2.  I know we all miss him, imitating him by walking around the house in your boxers scratching your butt does not help.

3.  You can sleep in my bed, as long as you don't realize I am sleeping in yours.

4.  The movies we watch in the den stay in the den.

5.  If I don't feel like cooking, then you will eat the spaghettios and like them.

6.  If you two start fighting, your Dad is not here, you are on your own.

7.  When he calls you are under obligation to talk to him on the phone AND tell him how much you miss him.  (Failure results in loss of Mom/Dad bed privileges)

8.  We can all equally trash the house as long as well all equally run around frantically cleaning things up for one hour before Dad returns home.

9.  Just because there is only one parent currently in the house does not mean I get the teenage angst of two.

10.  When Dad finally gets home, I will not hop, skip and jump into a hot bathtub with a glass of wine as long as you put down your video games and cheerfully greet him.

Because if the dog is the only one greeting him at the front door - we are all in trouble.

Don't MAKE me come over there! - Why I chose to have kids...

Children are a blessing.  They teach us so many important things.  Here's a few on my list:

I really wanted to see how long I could go without sleep.

I wanted to let go of my ego - childbirth - you completely let go of worrying about what ANYONE thinks about you.

I wanted an excuse to wear yoga pants.



I needed to learn how to multi-task - specifically with as many things happening at once as possible.

I needed someone to argue with besides the voices in my head.

I needed an excuse to eat Oreos, Fruit Rollups, Twinkies and Birthday Cake Ice Cream.

I wanted to go to Disney movies and not look like a pedophile.

I needed to hone my cooking skills, specifically how quickly I can make a meal with as few ingredients as possible.

I needed an excuse to let my body go to shit.  Somebody told me you'd get bigger boobs, not that they'd end up longer not bigger.

I needed a lesson in patience - rather, I needed to learn how much patience I actually have.

I need to learn how to not kill people - my kids kept me from becoming a serial killer.

They don't let women in combat, so I decided to create my own front line.

I didn't have a thesaurus - so now I have learned the many creative ways to say "butt" and "poop" and "stupid.".

I needed more mental challenge - especially trying to figure out the "why" in the "it sounded like a good idea" adventures.

I needed to add more sprints to my running workout - from chasing a toddler, to chasing a tweenie who just made a really bad decision.

I wanted to become immortal and the Fountain of Youth was just a myth.

The making the kids part - well, that was pretty cool.  Somebody should have explained the end result a little better.

What made you create your minions?