Have you been sucked into a Black Hole? I bet you have!

The definition of a Black Hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light cannot get out.  Scientists travel to outer space researching these when there are few right her in our back yard that could provide substantial information.  What?  You didn't know about the black holes we have?

The Purse - this is a small black hole, scientists think these smaller black holes originated at the beginning of the universe.  The size of the black hole is dependent on the size of the purse.  Scientists call Black Holes small but their MASS or the amount of stuff they hold can be massive.  This is true when you are looking for your keys, reading glasses, lipstick, business card, pen, pencil, nail clippers, super glue, or deodorant.  The hole starts at the bottom of the purse and continues out to pockets on the side of the purse.  Items have been know to be lost for not just hours but days and into years with one woman reporting she found a piece of her child's umbilical cord in the bottom of her purse.

The Office - The example of a black hole in the office is that one co-worker's office.  Small black holes consists of cubicles, the larger ones usually have a door between gravity and anti gravity.  Scientists have confirmed chains of black holes in the office that start with the receptionist desk then move to the water cooler and finally end in a supermassive nova of the lunch room.  Protecting yourself from these black holes consist of arriving 1 hour prior to the arrival of other employees and carrying the protection of an iPhone to use as a distraction to get past the black holes.


The School - this is the second type of black hole, next in size called the Stellar Black Hole.  The opening of this hole is at the front door of any school - elementary, middle, college.  A parent can see the time of their day sucked clean by the first teacher that stops asking a question.  Answering that question secures the parent in the black hole for the office administrators to come out and ask a question, followed by the PTA representatives followed by the child that they thought they got away from realizing they are back in school and coming back begging that they feel sick and want to go home.

The Mall - these are the largest or what scientists call SuperMassive black holes.  The deprivation of oxygen in these massive structures can cause strange syndromes in humans.  IWannaHaveIt is a syndrome where the human spots something in a store that looks perfect when the oxygen is thin in the mall, then once they get it home they realize they look like a Hootchie Mama.  Many humans have been sucked into these black holes, only to escape out the revolving door with a missing amount of cash in their wallet and several shopping bags in their hand.

Are Black Holes destroying out universe?  Yes, many scientists cite the Black Hole of Walmart.  There are many stories of humans disappearing into these Holes and returning with a complete personality change.  Some have said the use of an electric wheelchair was the only way to escape the gravitational pull.  Others have surfaced a few days later with a case of Coors Light, some ammo and a pack of Depends.

How do you protect yourself from Black Holes?  Your first choice is to avoid them.  If you cannot avoid them, arm yourself with a small child that whines and complains until the gravitation pull lets go of both of you for a bit of peace and quiet.

If you fall into the Black Hole of Great Book - have a great time and we'll talk to you later.

What are your black holes?

The Vortex that is our Home

There is this great sucking vortex that we call our home, and it keeps taking things that are near and dear to us and holding them hostage.  I am close to giving my soul to it....

It started small, I'd put socks in the dryer and only one would return, the other sucked into the great black hole.

I would put all the socks in a laundry bag, and still it would cackle because when I processed the bag, a stupid sock was STILL missing.

Then it moved to bigger things and it got crafty....

My favorite pen, and as a writer we all know how much we covet the right office supply, disappears from my desk, as I search frantically my son makes me feel better,

-Where did you put it last?

-If I knew that then I'd have it in my hand, now wouldn't I?

-Why do you need THAT pen?

-You wouldn't understand, your brain understands Math.

I give up on the pen, but it becomes more stealthy.  That little nut (no, not me) the little nut (no not my children) the little nut I found on the ground, sat on the counter for 3 months, because being organized, I realized it belonged to something, that item had not yet appeared.  So when my child asks, "My easel will not hold the paper," I stand up triumphantly, "That's because it is missing a nut, I know exactly where it is."

Gone.  I am left wandering around like a zombie, muttering, "It was right there.  I saw it every day.  The vortex has taken the only nut I ever wanted (well not the only one, and I am left with a few nuts.)


It taunts me, laughing maniacally as my husband asks, "Where is the directions that go with my new charger (top to my pen, notebook, headphones, cord)"

-I saw it over on the table in the dining room.

He wanders for a little bit then comes back, "It's not there."

"Try the kitchen pantry," I say.

My son tries to help, "If you put it in the same place every time, it will always be there."

Husband does not want his own words now repeated back to him as he is looking for stuff.

He wanders again and comes back, "You're just trying to get rid of me to read for a while by sending me on a wild goose chase, aren't you."

I look at him, thinking - shoot, why hadn't I thought of that sooner?

He gives up, "I'm getting older, spending all my time looking for shit."  I look at him, the Vortex is aging him, it is aging me, it is gaining on us, growing bigger, is that a sucking sound I hear?

Tonight, the Vortex is winning.  We've all turned into zombies..

My son wanders the living room mumbling, "has anyone seen my iPod?"

My other son wanders the kitchen, "I lost the markers, are they in the pantry?"  He goes there and disappears, the Vortex has some sort of entry door in the pantry and he is gone.  I hope it deposits him back in time to go to bed.

My husband wanders mumbling to himself, "a remote has to be somewhere near the television." As Nickelodeon plays very loudly in the backgound.

Me?  I stumbling around on one shoe, I've lost the mate to my favorite Dansko clog and I'm still convinced it may give me back my favorite Sharpie pen if I give up on the clogs.

But the Vortex, it is cruel, it simply laughs.....