WTF - Porn on the Skilift and Ladies Day - Coincidence?

Dayum, really people, I know snow is exciting, but really?  This is my convo's with some dude on the ski lift.

Was it coincidence that he ended up on the same chair as me? I'm not so sure.

First ride:

"Ooooh, wow, yes, yes, yes!!!!"

I look over making sure there isn't someone on the chair in between us. Then I look down making sure all my assets are covered by protective clothing.

Ignore him, he's crazy, I tell myself.

Second ride up, he's with me again!

"The snow! It's like busting a load out there. I don't know what to do, wipe my face in the powder or ski it!"

My mouth hangs, then I notice the Florida Gators coat - wide open - the rental skis, and of course the jeans.

Ignore him, he's from Florida.

Next life ride, no kidding, is the dude waiting at the bottom until he sees my red coat?

"I'm going for the black one, I'm not sure if I should pull the trigger !"

I just nod and go back to wondering what black one?

Next ride later, I don't even look figuring he is next to me!

"I just busted a load on White Lightning! I swear it was the best experience of my life!"

I'm afraid to even acknowledge him, of course as I steal a look his way, noticing he is covered head to foot in white powder. No, not cocaine, but snow!  I realize he is talking about an epic wipe out!

I get my own chair this time on the life, in an odd sort of way, I actually miss the chap.

But he's back for the next one, wiping off his goggles, "Damn, someone needs to keep all this stuff from squirting on my goggles, I'd wipe it but it looks sticky. Does this look sticky to you?"

I turn back to my phone thinking maybe he will leave me alone if he thinks I am texting or in his mind sexting someone something.

He puts his goggles on and says, "I think goggle makes everything look bigger. Put yours on and take a look at me. Do I look bigger?"

I don't put on my goggles because with a mind hitting the gutter at 0-60 I'm not even going to acknowledge him.

Finally on the last lift ride up, I'm alone with a big sigh, until he one skis it into to catch the chair with me just as we go through the door.

"He adjusts his snow covered goggles, then shakes the snow off of his hat, looking over to me, "I've seen you before. Do you dance?"

I look at him, really?  "No, I live up here. We've been riding the lift together. My legs are tired, I think this is it for me."

He looks at me and smiles, "I can see how fresh powder between your legs can make them weak. I've rented a place for the weekend, maybe I'll see you around."

I dump him quickly at the top of the mountain.

Not any time soon,  my friend.  Changing jackets as we speak!

***

In case you missed it, this and other great lift conversations are in my book:

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See you on the slopes!

What Not To Do On Your First Day At The Resort

There are ways to learn how to ski, then there are ways to NOT learn how to ski.  Let's go over a few basics.

1.  Don't listen to your friends on your first day of skiing.  Remember these are the same friends that provide a multitude of entertainment with several "Hey, Watch This!" moments during the course of your lifetime.

They will say, "Let's just take the lift to the top, you'll figure it out on the way down."

You will then provide a hilarious moment for them as they say, "Hey watch this" and push you down the mountain.


2.  Be careful of borrowed ski gear.  Know your options.  Sometimes it is better to just pay the nominal rental fee for your gear than showing up at the slopes in the 1980's fartbag onezie with skis close to 6 feet long for your 5 foot frame. Rule of thumb, if it doesn't fit, the ground you'll hit.  Prepare for a day of fun with the right gear.

3.  Find your bearings at the resort.  Your friends will try again to trick you.  "Oh this is the lift you need to get on, this one here."  If you are asking the attendant if you need to put your skis on before riding the lift then you shouldn't be on any lift at the resort.  You should be in a lesson.  Of course, always know exactly where the necessities are - the bar, the restroom and food.

4.  Contracting a lesson is worth it.  Having a professional teach you that "pizza" and "french fries" are not fast food terms starts your slope side day on the right foot (or with both feet doing what they are supposed to do, not doing something that ends with a "Get Out of my way!"), remember learning how to stop does have its benefits.  You can then watch your friends who decided against that lesson screech by you with a silent scream on their lips before spectacularly wiping out.  Sidetone:  Getting lesson is best for everyone in your party.  Those who know how to ski get an hour of fun, and when you meet up with them you know what you are doing.

5.  There is no "One more run."  This translates into the "Hey watch this" type moment.  If your legs are tired, it is time to call it a day.  Be careful of the friends that want to end a day on the snow with "Let's race down the black diamond and see who hits the bottom first."  Did you notice your friend used the term "hits?"  There is a reason.

6.  Apres Ski is always better with friends.  Not just the friends you brought with you, but the new friends you'll meet at the bar.  Everything's easier when there's a beer in hand.  Just make sure you hand someone your skis and tell them NOT to give them back to you.

There is a right way for a day on the snow and there is your friend's way.  Remember, sometimes it is better to be a leader than a follower when it comes to learning something new.  You'll thank yourself as you are picking up your friends from the ER.

What would you add?

Nothing like the smell of Snomax in the morning! Can I make it through the first day.

I've been waiting all year for the sound of snow guns going off on the mountain.  You'd think I'd be excited that snow season is starting for us.

I dread it.

No really, you haven't been in my house the first day we go out on the snow.

It is hell.

All of our hats and mittens are supposed to be in the Hats and Mittens bins in the closet.  Unknown to me, the little minions got into those bins several times over the summer and they exploded into the great unknown, along with a few essentials.

Here is my first day on the snow:

Nobody can find a thing.

Since I am the only one with boobs in our household, my family figures  mine will point them to their missing equipment.  While this is happening, I am being followed by minions complaining that they only have one glove, and their facemask smells like butt.  While they are telling me this, the dear wonderful husband is following them explaining, that "all of this costs money, and if you put things back where you found them then they wouldn't be lost, right?  The facemask could smell better if you got it off the floor under your bed and kept it in the Facemask Bin."

No of this helps as I think about hiding in the pantry for ten minutes with a spiked cup of coffee.

One the human homing device finds gloves, hats, facemasks, helmets- we move into round two.

Why do my kids always have this urge to use my husband's stuff.  He puts his goggles on and finds that the lens are scratched.  Turning to oldest child he asks, what happened.
"Oh I had to use them for mountain biking, mine were too small."

Photo Courtesy of  +Brian Twitty 

What?  I got back up to the pantry closet contemplating a shot as my dear sweet husband has a full conversation with the child about how hard he works to get this stuff and someone always uses his stuff and breaks it.  I wonder, "Why in the hell after 13 years do you still touch his stuff?  Why?"

One year my dear sweet husband was convinced that someone stole his ski pants.  After using my double decker homing device while listening to the boys giving suggestions to where his pants could have gone, I find them in the bottom of a drawer.  See, told you the boobs work.

Another year, the kids decided that his ski shirts were perfect for the summer, so the first day of getting everything together I could not find a single shirt for him.  Let me tell you how much fun that is.  This year is was the search for his favorite socks, of course they were in my son's room.

We gather skis, poles, snowboards, helmets, goggles (including scratched ones), gloves, face masks, hand warmers, and all climb in the car heading over to the resort.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Mom, I forgot my ski pass at home."

The conversation as we turn around and head back to the house to get the pass consists of "I told you to check and see if you have everything," followed by, "I asked Mom to get it."

Thanks son, throw me under the bus.

Well I could add that shot of whiskey as I go back in the house to get it.

POW POW BOXZILLA!

Last day at Canyons resort and it was a day that covered every part of the spectrum:

Started with sunny skies while riding the gondola.
All out Blizzard at the mountain top at 11am.
Wet snow that stuck to our goggles and skis on one run.
To fresh powder on the west side of the mountain to the resort.
Finishing up with bluebird skies, live music, a fire pit and smores!

Best part of my day was Boxzilla - a collection of 12 boxes in the terrain park and a free ride event to see who:

Could make all 12 boxes.
Could do it with a trick.
Could do it without breaking anything.

Guess who jumped in right away - both boys!  Luckily, we have good coaches at Beech Mountain Resort so they were ready.

Max was right up front, pushing the big guys out of the way and getting in the most number of runs for the event.  Wolf, of course, being the almost 13 year old was holding back, but did it with finesse that made us proud.

Best moment of the day?

The MC at the event, pulled Max aside after he completed all 12 boxes, yelling up to the crowd waiting at the top of Boxzilla,

"Hey, this is Max Melang and not only is he from North Carolina, but he's 10 years old and completed the box with a grab at the end.  Are you going to let this little kid SHOW YOU UP?"

Max went down as the start of several trains of 6 or 7 riders, Wolfgang even got some guys at the top yelling, "Do it kid!  He's going to make it to the end!"

Proud Momma?  Yes!  So just to make sure they are embarrassed, I was yelling into the crowd,

"Wolfgang!  Are you warm enough?"
"Max do you need your gloves?"
"Be careful boys, DON'T HURT YOURSELF!!!"

Dork Momma?  Yes I am, and PROUD OF IT.

So they all go out t in Park City for a little shopping, I stay behind and immediately fall asleep on the couch.  Of course, there's no way into the condo and they spend the next 30 minutes texting, Find my IPhoning, Facebooking, AND calling me, trying to wake me up to let them in the condo.  I have achieved total dork mom status in locking my family out of the condo!!

Great day on the snow, one day left and everyone is already saying they are going to miss it!

Blue Skies, Black Diamonds and Son of a Boooyah

Happy birthday to my youngest son, Max.  Interesting that he was born on 04-04-04 and today with his tenth birthday marks 04-04-14.  Maybe there is some luck in there somewhere.

We are back at Canyons, my head full of getting the most out of our day.  I take my sweet husband down the black diamonds, through the moguls, with a few steep groomed trails to boot.

Max and the boys are gone to the terrain parks and other areas.  How can you explain to a 10 year that, "No, you cannot go into the 'You can Die' places by yourself, someone has to ride with you, and newsflash - it is not your mother."

Jeff and I take all the different lifts with a little hint of Son of a Boohrye - a High West Distillery Whiskey sitting in a flash.

False courage?

Yes.

Bad idea?

Double Yes?

How easy do the Double Blacks look after a shot of the Booyrah?

Shit, we can do that, it looks like a run on Beech Mountain Resort.

There is one thing to dreaming of going down a double black, then there is doing it.

You start at the top thinking, "This looks like nothing from the lift.  What a piece of cake."

10 minutes later you're thinking, "What the hell was I thinking?"

After two falls later, you're thinking, "Oh shit, how much further do I have to go?"

Another 10 minutes later, "I've got to take a break.  Shit, is that a little kid shooting by me?"

Another 10 minutes, "If I  make it to the bottom, that's it for me today."

Five more minutes later, "Scotty, she can't take much more.  My quads are screaming."

Hitting the bottom, "Well shit, that wasn't so bad.  That ain't no black diamond."

So the next time you take a shot of whiskey and take the lift to the top, remember, everything's easier with a little whiskey in the system, until you are hot on the trail.

Oh, and the birthday boy?  He didn't have ANY whiskey and hit the biggest jump in the park only to land it in an epic wipeout.

Glad I bought him the new helmet for his birthday.

Glad I'm not taking a trip to the ER.

Glad he still is talking about it as the highlight of his day, because I'm still not recovered from the double black diamond.

Booyrah!

Avalanche Charges, Bowls and Beer - Oh My!

Everyone finally woke up this morning with smiles.  I checked each child's underwear as they came out , scratching their butts for breakfast.  All smiles, and no sharting in the house.  Perhaps this will not be such a shitty day?

That is was snowing as soon as we got there - a very good sign.  You could hear the avalanche controls in the back country as we rode the lift to the top.  Today, I decided I was going to take it easy, considering the two days before were spent in some really shitty jobs.  I would be careful and not over tax what I was doing.

Hello black diamond.

So much for taking it easy, with fresh powder on the ground, I went with the rest of humanity to the hard stuff at the summit.  The boys were with me, arguing about who would get down the hill first, who would get off the list first, who would get back on the lift first.

How do I spend a day skiing by myself?

My rule of thumb is that all skiing happens from 9am until 12-1230pm.  I hit it hard from 9am until 1230p when we get our first break.  For them it is lunch, for me it is a beer.

We finish lunch then ski again until 2pm before we take our second break, for them a snack, for me it is a beer.

This time I went down McConskey bowl about 130P which changed my schedule.

After crawling out of the bottom, I realized that I was bypassing the rest of the ski schedule and going directly to the bar, and since I was alone, no one else would know the difference.  I went down to the resort and put my feet up outside, drinking a beer.


The kids, coming down after their time on the slopes were like sharks smelling blood in the water.  Mom's had a beer and that means she's a little more open to SHOPPING!

They hit the stores in the lodge as I finished my beer, coming back and pulling me into 3 different directions for "A great helmet," "An awesome hoodie," and "Some liners."  Kids have that innate sense , knowing exactly when their parents are primed enough to open the wallet.

When it goes from, "Honey, you really do not need another sweatshirt."  To...
"Wow, it's moisture wicking, and fits you perfectly and look at that sad face you are giving me," to...

SOLD!

So one helmet, one T-shirt and one hoodie later we head back to the condo, talking about charges, not just avalanche control but of the credit card ones as well.  The biggest part of our discussion was figuring out how to present the new purchases to DADDY!!

Perhaps I will live to see another day.

How to feel old....

Want to know what it feels like to be old?  Try something new later in life, say when you're over 25 years old like myself.  Yesterday I decided to try snowboarding on a dare from my two children, "Come on Mom, everyone's doing it."  My brain replied, "If everyone was jumping off a cliff would you jump off too?"  But I gleefully went to the demo shop and rented the board.

I was pleasantly surprised that I could walk so much better in snowboarding boots as I carried my board feeling very young and hip over to the baby yard of the ski resort.  My son, the great instructor he is said, "Now just strap it in and go down the hill."  If I were under 3 feet and it didn't hurt as much hitting the ground, I'd probably take that advice but my mind was explaining the law of gravity on old bones and joints along with no experience, so I strapped the board in and went down the hill-on my butt.

If you really want to feel old, take a snowboarding lesson as a way to learn the right way to do it, but with a cute YOUNG (yes, under 25 so younger than myself) instructor who looks like a graceful ballerina as she says, "you just turn your body, while keeping balance on the board, head up and slowly go like a falling leaf down the hill."  Cue old fart not looking so young and hip, going like a rolling rock down the hill.

Then finally if you want to feel old spend the day looking up at the sky as you wipe out on a continuous basis trying to make it down the baby hill as little kids on same said boards fly past you.  Feel old as the mountain closes and you are not sure you have the energy to walk back to the rental shop, let alone have that apres ski beer with said cute instructor who looks like she hasn't broken a sweat all day.  Then go home and soak in your epsom salt bath with an IV of Ibuprophen in your system and contemplate how you're just too damn old to learn something new.

Then think of all the ways you can be that falling leaf going down the mountain and get up the next day and do it again.  Screw getting old, just fight it each step of the way....

How to stay warm on a cold winter day......

Living closer to a ski resort, we've learned quickly and early that staying warm is essential, espeically when you have small children.  Keeping children warm decreases the "whine" factor and makes the outdoor experience more pleasant for everyone!  Here's the basics of layering:

Start with the right base - a good moisture wicking base layer is a MUST!  This keeps the chill of sweat off the skin and the warmth in for maximum comfort.  There are many different brands and we find that the inexpensive as well as the expensive work just fine.  Make that base layer a turtle neck and you're doing even better.  Brands like Champion and UnderArmor make great base layers that move sweat away from the skin and hold the heat in.

Thicker warmer layer, this is your fleece or your wool, something thicker and warmer to hold in the body heat.  The first layer is thin and designed for wicking and warmth, the second layer is designed more for warmth.  Think of a light fleece with a zipper front, if they get too warm they can always unzip it and let some cooler air in.

Top Layer is protection from the elements - this layer is your waterproof layer, holding out rain and snow and snizzle and other types of condensation.  Without a way to seep in close to the skin, the body stays warm in the layers under this protection and maintains a nice comfortable temperature.  If out skiing or boarding, think of the ski/board coats as they have a "snow Skirt" a snap in the bottom, closing off the bottom of the coat from any draft or snow.ice.rain finding it's way in.

Depending on the temperature, you can always add or shed layers as needed, the most important is that base layer, without that, you've got a miserable day ahead.  Additional elements of being comfortable include several other essentials:

Neck Warmer - this is a nice little fleece number that encircles the neck, include one with a head covering built in and you're set!
Liner gloves and gloves - liner gloves are like the base layer, holding in the heat and trapping it between them and the outside layer of gloves. 
Face Mask - if you don't like the neck warmer, the facemask is a great way to cover the face from the elements and help keep chapped lips and crying children at bay.
Top Layer, the Cool T-shirt if you are a snowboarded or have a small child, the top layer is a T-shirt of their favorite skate shop because to them it's all about looking cool and not worrying as much about being cool!

So enjoy that nice cooler weather and have fun outdoors.  There is no such thing as being cold only inappropriate attire!