Tales from the Carpool Line

Many still follow the soap operas, but TV Networks could really draw an audience if they ran - The Carpool Line Tales of Romance, Mystery and Intrigue.

Carpool Line -do you really know what happens outside your school, and where exactly are your children?


The Characters -

Early Bird - this obsessive compulsive parent has to be first in line.  She shows up in her underwear because she didn't have time from getting out of the show and over to the school.  Many a teacher has opened the car door to some nasty sights so she fulfills her promise to her child of "being first out the door."

The Napper - she arrives 30 minutes before the line starts 2nd behind the Early Bird.  When the line starts to move, many other parents have snippets of her dreams, "Oh Darryl you're so manly" as they walk to her car waking her out of her dreams.

The Lovers - two single parents timing their arrival, putting them next to each other as they wait for the line to move.  They look at each other and sigh.  Could the Brady Bunch movie really be part of their future - could they melt their families together?  And the biggest question, who's going to get out of their car first making the first move?

Nazi Driver - this wench pulls into the carpool line, quickly swerving through parked cars butting in line getting ahead of everyone else.  What she is not ready for is the parents that get out of their car having trouble with her excuse that she had a violin lesson in 30 minutes.  The ensuing brawl send a few of the waiting children directly into therapy.

Get Outta My Way - This is the 6 foot tall Monster Truck, darkened windows so no one knows who or what is inside and a big "Jihad This" sticker running along the window in the back of the truck.  Amazingly all parents move to the side to let this car go first.  Could they be behind the spray painting of curse words in the school from the night before - is that a Jihad?

Mom on the Run - this is the Mom that shows up skidding to a stop JUST before they children move to the front of the school in the "My Mom's Late Walk Of Shame."  The door to her car slides open, a few Happy Meal toys fall out as she's singing along with "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."  Will she finally make it on time?  What will her children do when they sit in front of the office for over 15 minutes.

Follow the Carpool line as their tales of Love, Lust and Murder unfold.  Who exactly is putting all the beer cans in the Can Do Recycling Trailer?  How much will the school lose if they decide on rehab?  How will the teachers cope with the line of children waiting, the new K students throwing up on their shoes from nervousness?  Can they talk the Jihad This parent down from their six foot car.  And what will happen to our lovers, will their cars accidentially bump into each other and the romance of a lifetime result?  Carpool Line is full of love, laughter and lust as we move through the perils of the school year.

Not getting enough of the Carpool line?  Coming this summer - Summer Camp Drama, a new show of drama between the two oak trees.  A little bit of "One time at bandcamp" with a who lot of, "I just can't leave him here at camp crying like that," Summer Camp like Carpool Line will have you laughing, crying or jumping in your car because you are late picking your child up from school.

The Teachers - can they handle sending out over 100 children, will they be thrown up on by the scared Kindergartenders?

The School - office workers realizing a car pool rider was accientially put on the bus.  Looking for that child hiding in the afterschool room hoarding all of their snacks.  Dealing with complaining parents because Napper didn't wake up in time and children were late to Violin.

Inspiring Blog? Uh, OK, I'll take it!

Many thanks to my new friend Zoe  (that's a hint to follow her blog, Rewritten), for nominating That Grey Area for Very Inspiring Blogger Award.  Inspiring?  Well, I'm not exactly sure about that but I'll take it anyway.  If I make one person laugh, then I feel like I've done my job.  So here goes, 7 things people don't know about me.

1.  I write torrid romances.  Yes, bodice ripping, tight bud of desire stuff and I LOVE IT.  I've always been a closet romantic and you'll find me hiding in there with a few of my favorite authors - Johanna Lindsey, Kathleen Woodwiss, JR Ward.

2.  I am not a true Southerner - I absolutely HATE okra.  I can stomach a few bites of grits, periodically taste Country Ham but the mushy runny inside of Okra is disgusting.

3.  I believe in Time, Talent, and Treasure.  When I don't have the treasure, I love helping others with Time and Talent.  This gets me into trouble with SO as I don't have as much time to clean a home or make a nutritious meal.  I've been known to throw Pop Tarts in as a child's lunch.

4.  I have no idea what the hell I am doing - but I'll keep acting like I do.  See, fooled you, didn't I?

5.  I love surrounding myself with people that are wide open, no filters.  Probably because I am not the most emotional person, so they do it for me.  I live emotionally through my characters, it's much easier that way.

6.  I still have my Mom's overnight kit from her last stay in the hospital under my bathroom sink.  Some part of me cannot get rid of it - lash curlers, mary kay makeup and floss.  I still miss her and my Dad every day.

7.  I steal my kids lunchbox desserts and eat them in secret - Twinkies, Butterscotch Krimpets, Candy Cakes.  I cannot help myself.

So now to go out and share some love.  Here's some fun blogs I've been following - though I really want to know how ya'll keep up with your reading - are you vampires or something?

Sisters From Another Mister - here  we have been friends for a really long time.  Nicole's views on life are not just beautifully written but very thoughtful.  Inspiring.

Finding Our Happy Pace - Here  Maria's beautiful photography make this blog inspiring, as well as watching her beautiful daughter grow up.

DeBie Hive - here - she is liberal, I am conservative but she always makes me think.  Another wide open person.

Chuck Wendig - here  this is a great blog about writing, no holds barred, and I love his writing challenges.

Parry Moppins - here  great recipes, DIY projects, and posts about life.

The Frog Blog - here I love running, Billy is an Ultra Runner (nut to some, hero to me) beautiful pictures, interesting posts.

Mod Mom - here  Funny and interesting.

Yeah, it's not much, but seriously who has time to read all this stuff AND get enough of a Facebook fix for the day??

Truths about Shark Marathon on SyFy

We've been watching Shark Marathon on SyFy, and I thought I would share a few things we have learned.

The first one to die in the shark movie is that poor sap out fishing at night by themselves. They hook the big one and end up getting eaten.

Put a group of young kids together in bikinis, the ones that complain are always the first one eaten. Usually preceeded by at, "I wish I would die," or something like that.

Depending on the budget of the movie, you will either see quite a lot of blood (big budget) or fade to black (low budget). The budget of the movie is usually aware by the title, "Attack of the Two Headed Shark," two heads means a lot of eating, therefore a big budget movie. "Supershark," low budget.

When I was kid, explosions and spears were your best weapons when trying to kill a 20 foot shark. Now a days, they use chainsaws, circular saws, and dental picks - not sure what damage a dental pick can do to a shark.

 If you want to be spared by the shark, make sure you are a tree hugger. All the eco conscious people of the movie are the ones that survive, usually with a long monologue about why we should be good with the earth because all of our bad practices are causing the two headed 25 foot shark.

If the girl in the bikini is running, she will always trip and no, the bikini does not fall off. The trip always helps the shark catch up with them and eat them.

No one believes a kid. In any movie.

The engine will not start. Ever. Even if it is brand new. Nope, it will never start.

Anytime you see a fin, someone is getting eaten. When the fin goes under water, that means the shark is coming up under the boat and eating the contents.

If there is a sex scene, there is always coitus interruptus by the shark. And for some reason the bathing suits still stay on.

So like the Zombie Apocalypse, we all are basically screwed when it comes to fighting the shark that mutated from the nuclear waste spewed in to the ocean by the evil oil developer.  So if you could choose, how would you go??

It's Friday....Family Fun? NOT!

Ever wonder why parents always talk about drinking wine?  Here's envision vs reality of Friday Night Family Activities:

Spend a family night watching movies - reality - spending the night starting to watch several movies on Netflix before moving on because they are really bad.  Realization - there are a lot of BAD movies on Netflix.

Game Night with the Family - get out the old favorites and play Monopoly with popcorn and sodas.  Reality - a bottle of wine for Mom and another one for Dad as the kids start arguing over who gets what Monopoly piece and way.  Ending game night in the bathroom nursing a bleeding cut from one child throwing his houses at his brother for bankrupting him.

Go out to a nice dinner with the family - enjoy quality conversation with the family on a beautiful evening out.  Reality - arguing with one that he cannot order the Filet Mignon off the adult menu while convincing the second that a dinner of crackers and soda is actually pretty healthy.  Saving enough money this way to order a bottle of wine for Mom and Dad.

Campfire Cookout - outside evening relaxing while listening to nature.  Reality - fight over who gets to light the fire.  Leave hubby to do this deed, him and boys come back with partial eyebrows missing.  Evening spent sitting in the perfect spot for the smoke of the fire to continually hit you in the face, while a child argues with another continuously looking like someone will fall face first into the fire.

Arts and Crafts Night - create beautiful projects to give as gifts for grandmothers and grandfathers.  Reality - painting Inspector Clouseau moustache on your face is not funny.  Painting the dog, not even funny.  Spilling the paint, walking through it then walking through the house - definitely not funny.

Make A Home Movie - create a memory of the fun your family has making a home movie.  Reality - disgusted halfway through because all they want to do is smack their butts in front of the camera.  Then giving up when all they want to do is the Harlem Shake.  Tell them not to keep filming you drinking wine, you'd rather not have that in your memory.

Family Reading Night - sit and enjoy a good book, reading aloud to the family.  Reality - no one wants to sit quietly while you read a book, so they ask questions with every sentence so you get to a point where even you are not sure what you are reading.  To tell your friends that you actually achieved reading night - give them comics - heck, at least they are reading.

So I guess I look forward to Friday because it's one night where I can justify drinking wine - and as a good Mom, at least give a few of these the college try.  Will make any family activity that much easier.

Happy Friday!

Did you read that status update? What?

To all those great fans of my page and friends of mine, here's a few Facebook etiquette for you:

10.  If you are posting religious or political posts - you're offending half of your friends while pissing off the rest of them.  Arguments?  That's for text messaging, not for the world.

9.  Facebook is your link to the world.  The world does not need to know, "Carol, you need to call me about my bunions."  That should be in a personal, yes a PERSONAL message.

8.  Seriously, if someone posts on Facebook that their dog just died, do not LIKE IT.  And if someone asks a question like, "What's your favorite color?" ANSWER the question rather than LIKING it.

7.  I know you really need your coins in Bejeweled Blitz, but please do not send me app requests to increase your coin count.  a.  I will not reply and b. I really don't care how many coins you need.

6.  We don't need "Vaguebooking," putting up a status update that is so vague that everyone goes WTF?  Case in point, what I just red, "After today, I'm beginning to wonder if it is all worth it."

5.  Your CAPS LOCK button means you are YELLING!  We can understand when the button gets stuck once, but continual CAPS LOCK MEAN YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANGER ISSUES TO DEAL WITH.

4.  Oversharing - there is such a things as TMI - too much information.  The picture of the chopped off finger (not good around breakfast time) and this status update I actually read, "Note to self: Thongs don't work with wrap around dresses."

3.  Stalkommenting - It's OK to stalk someone, many of us feel slightly flattered.  But commenting on every single thing we post - not cool.

2.  Don't make me like anything with a "If you are a dog person, like this status.  If you are a cat person, comment."  Believe me, I will do neither.

1.  You don't have to be everyone in the world's friend.  Sometimes it's OK to ignore the request from Piggly Wiggly Patty if you really don't know who she is.  And Debbie Downer - she'll never know if you unfriend her.  Keep your Facebook less stressful by keeping your real friends close.

Truth in Advertising

Let's put a few real commercials into perspective:

Benadryl - the young child parent's dream.  Need a full night of sleep - we are the answer.

Hot Sauce - Yes, you know you want to do even if you were the one that taught him that word.  So go ahead.

Bargain Toilet Paper - yes we are sandpaper, but you are buying us you cheap shits.

Disposable Douche - Take that disposable douche and throw it away - whether it is an actual person or not.

Lubricant - if she's not happy you will suffer for the rest of your life.  Make her happy, suck it up.

Pregnancy Test - if you are too young call your parents, if you are too old call your grandkids for directions.

Lite Beer - yes, we really are for wusses.

Mini Pads - young girls we're your rite of passage, old women we're your last resort.

Deodorant - we're not just for your underarms anymore.

Internet Dating - really, put your real picture up on your profile and you'll have much better luck.

Wine - because sometimes it's better than a shotgun.  And your best friend is on vacation so you'll not be able to hide the body.

Any new commercials you'd like to write?  I'm thinking of starting a company.

Time - Is It Real?

Did you know that time is not constant - that time is really in the eye of the beholder.  The only constant in the Universe if the speed of light, and there are some times during my day that I wish I could travel by the Speed of Light.  Here are some interesting facts about time, The Grey Area Style.

You have probably spent close to a quarter of a year of your life standing in the middle of a room wondering why you walked into said room.  

You have spent more time than that going back into the room trying to find the item you originally went into the room to look for.

You have spent more time than that arguing with a child about where exactly they put the item they have currently lost.

You have spent more time than that putting away most of their items including the one that is lost.

You have spent more time that that bending over to pick up items from the floor.

You have spent more time than that walking into a room and sighing then starting to pick up all the items from the floor.


Now that we've put time into perspective here is ways to create more time for yourself.

Let all offended family members look for their own shit.  Have the will power to tell them, "I don't know where it is, go find it" without feeling the guilt that since you put it away you should look for it.

Don't pick anything up in their room - when they need something they will accomplish two things for you - actually cleaning their room and finding the object.

Don't wear your glasses when cleaning - this saves you the time of finding all the nooks and crannies to clean.

Put your sentimentality to the side when cleaning - now is not the time to sit and read through their baby book, you will feel guilty that you dropped the ball at 2 years old and start digging around to find the photographs.

Rather than looking for or calling your children, simply act like you are on an important phone call - their inner radar will have them running to you in no time.

So, since you cannot go back in time (and smack yourself for some of your stupid decisions) don't worry about time because technically, it doesn't exist.  What you see as quality time with a glass of wine could be another Mom's quality time of cleaning out the toilet bowl - or you could save time by tackling them both at the same time - would make cleaning out the toilet bowl a little easier.

And finally, use the age old saying with your family.

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Now go about using your time wisely - get back on Facebook.

A kid's view of money....

There are a few differences in how I view money versus how the younger generation views money:

Son, "Can I have this book/game/piece of candy/snake/bike/motorbike/snowboard?"
Me, "No, we don't have any money."
Youngest son, "Just go to the ATM and get the money."

Me, I picture how I can accomplish this if the money really is not in my account.  I picture taking my husband's Avalanche, around 330 in the morning.  Kids and hubby are asleep in bed and the truck won't be missed.  I back up to the ATM, pull out a chain, wrap it around the machine.  I throw the car into drive, hit the gas and as the machine falls over, it immediately spits out all the cash sitting in there.  I leave not a finger print, or tire print and we all live happily ever after.  But this is reality and I don't have a chain, even though I usually am awake at 330 in the morning.

"Honey, it doesn't work that way."
Son, "But it's a money machine, it gives us money."
"Honey, it gives us money out of our account.  If we don't have any money in our account there's no money to give."
Son: "But the account is in the machine."
"Yes."
Son: "And the machine gives us money."
"Yes."
Son, "Then if there is money in the machine then there is money in our account right?"

Sigh

Maybe I'll stop and buy a chain on the way home today.

Happy Birthday - I feel old...

My son turns 12 today, twelve, yep, that means that he's been on this Earth for twelve years.  How do I know that?

1.  He's shot up in height, I've sunk down.

2.  He has a six pack, I've got a litre bottle sitting there.

3.  All of his teeth have not fallen out, I'm glad I still have all of mine.

4.  His hair grows faster than I can cut it, mine falls out faster than I can color it.

5.  His birthday breakfast is bacon and eggs with a side of doughnuts, mine is one, yes, one single blueberry for its antioxidants.

6.  He can down an entire box of cereal in one sitting, I can add 1 pound of flab to my thighs by looking at said box of cereal.

7.  He can sleep through a nuclear fall out, I lie awake wondering if that really is a spider crawling across the floor.

8.  He grows out of his shorts in just a few months, I grow out of my spandex in just a few meals.

9.  Everything in his body is just getting started, mine is in the overheated stage.

10.  He's excited about getting a year older, I've quit aging at 21 plus change.

Nothing like Epic Style Notes!

Sometimes you need a pick me up for your day.  I thought I would make myself feel better by listing the things of which I have talent:

Losing my phone - I seem to be very talented at this.  My phone's been left on the floor at a New Years Eve Party, thrown out of my pocket on a epic wipeout on a ski slope, taken by a baby and hidden under a couch, and now sits in a lock box in Salt Lake Airport until said manager returns to open said box.  You never know what phone numbers you DON'T have until you lose your phone.

Saying the wrong things at the right time - Sometimes it would be nice to have filters on my mind and my tongue, but then there would be no drama in my life.  This way I can keep things exciting as I dodge the blow of my brother in law for saying something.

Pointing out the Obvious - see definition above.  Standing, not realizing your husband is behind you saying, "I got that cute Abercrombie Shirt for my son on sale for 68.99."  He then has a fit and proceeds to explain that a: they are still growing why buy expensive stuff and, b: The Target one looks exactly the same and c: Don't get him used to expensive brands early, we can't afford it.

Staining - I have the affinity for white, and usually the first day I wear it I spill something like Balsamic Vinegar, or Texas Pete Hot sauce or Easter Egg dye.  Then I find out I am equally talented at not being able to get the stain out of my shirt.  I am also equally talented and accidentally dropping a new pair of jeans in with stained shirt so I can wear it again.

Falling with style - I fall.  Yes, I fall alot.  But I've made it such an art form I've heard guys yell, "TEN" by the side of a ski slope.  Other runners stepping over me by the side of the road.  Finally, I've won the  award for quickest get up off the ground/ego check on trail running.  If you are going to fall, then fall with style is what I say.

Asking Silly Questions - since most of my family members consider the uterus to be a homing device, I'm always asked there things are when lost.  One of my favorite answer is a question, "Where did you lose it?"

Selective Hearing - I am very good at looking directly at the person talking, looking enthusiastic, shaking my head, then repeating the last word of their sentence.  Even when I have no clue what they are talking about.  This condition steps up a notch in talent when talking about number..

Stalking - I'm a very good stalker on Facebook.  Boy am I glad that there isn't an app to see who's viewed your profile - I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Embarrassing my children - this requires a lot of work, because children are very sneaky to get away from Mom when their friends are around.  My saving grace is the carpool line where they have to wait outside with their friends, I can casually stick my head (with my cowboy hat) out the window and yell, "Come on little podna!  We've got some wrasteling to do."

Being Me - finally, it's easy to conform to what other people think you should see/do/be, but I'm much better at being me.  I'd rather be unique than be a clone.  As Abraham Lincoln once said on the internet, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

What would you add to the list?

Truths about kids....

10.  If it is expensive, they will break it.

9.  If you really like it, they will lose it.

8.  If they lose it, it is before you get the enjoyment of using it.

7.  If you buy another, and tell them not to touch it.  They will wait one day until they use it - and break it.

6.  They will not know how they broke it.

5.   Blame usually consists of siblings pointing at each other.

4.  Even if it is not supposed to come apart, they will find a way to take it apart.  And break it.

3.  If it is a secret, they will say it.

2.  If it is embarrassing, they will say it loudly and in a crowd.

1.  If it is a drink and in a restaurant, it will be spilled, and in your lap.

The Lost iPhone Adventure

Yesterday we were on the red eye flight from Salt Lake City to Charlotte.  As usual there was total chaos trying to get everyone moving and into the airport.

Setting the scene:

One rental car to return.
Three EVIL bags - bag 1 - 175 lbs snowboard equipment.
   bag 2 -  209 lbs of ski equipment.
   bag 3 - -  heaviest simply full of crap.  Well not exactly crap, but stuff.

Two boys in the back already starting the shoving match before they even exit the car.

Sitting at the departure gate (or bar next to it) I say, "Wow that was painless," reach for my phone and ugh!  Gone!

Wolfgang, my Rainman son has installed "Find My iPhone" on my iPad because I do usually lose me iPhone.  He plays a signal on the phone to see if it is in our bags, but no noise.  He hits "Show" and from a Satellite photo the iphone is sitting in the garage of Salt Lake Airport.

Hubby jumps up - you probably left if in the rental car, let me go get it (isn't he grand?)

As he leaves, my boys are convinced that someone has stolen my iPhone, and they are getting it back.

Here's how they think it goes:

They play emergency signal on the phone, with an emergency note stating, "This is a lost iPhone, please mail to this address."  Another emergency signal, another note, "We are locking this phone so you cannot use it without a password."  They explain to me that the perpetuator is probably bugged by everything the phone was doing and will leave it somewhere - they saved my phone!

How I think it goes:

The hubby finds it in the rental car, alarms start to go off.  Hertz attendants swarm him accusing him of stealing an iPhone.  Another alert pops up, he shows the message and eventually has to pull out his ID to show it's the same last name.  They give him the phone, and as he walks through the airport each alert is loud and clear, causing another stop (and possible strip search) at security.  And many people people to stare at him.  Needless to say, by the time he gets the phone to us, he throws it at us and asks it to stop.

How it really went:

The satellite was right, the red dot in the garage was my phone.  When it moved back to the terminal (as we played the emergency alerts) it went from the rental car to the lock box.  Once in the lock box, it cannot come out until a manager arrives the next morning.  When my husband arrives, they inform him of this then please ask him to turn off what ever is playing all the loud obnoxious sounds.

Find my iPhone - what a great app, I think?