How to properly sub your first exercise classes

I now have total respect.

Total respect.

For Fitness Instructors.

I've been taking fitness classes most of my life, in fact, I love exercising.  Getting older has made the classes more of a mandate as everything goes where it is not supposed to go.  I was asked by a friend to sub in a yoga class, then a Stretch Tone and Balance class as she is out of town.

Sure, I said, I've been taking these classes for-evah why not?  How hard can it be?

Hard.

It didn't help that I was up most of the night before the class running through the routine in my mind, almost getting out of bed making sure I knew the poses.  It didn't help that everyone, including me, was running late this morning so arriving at the yoga class with a calm and peaceful heart was not in the cards.

So I start with about 8 people running through my routine.  How can I properly screw up the class?

1.  It is hard to do yoga poses while explaining them to the class.  I have respect for the teacher that can still talk after a few sun salutations.  I sounded like a porn actress, my voice taking on a breathless quality because I was breathless!

2.  It is much harder holding the poses when people are watching you than hanging out in a class. My legs were shaking, I even caught myself holding my breath.

3.  My students were on the silver haired side, when several farted during holding the poses I tried not to laugh, then worried, am I doing too much?

I relax into it, running through all the sequences in my mind, acting like nothing was going on when a few other passes gas.  We get all the way to the end and as they are in corpse pose I realize, "Damn I never did a single child's pose during class!  No rest for anyone.  No wonder they were farting!"

The next class was working out with weights, I decided I had to look capable as an instructor and picked up 8lb weights rather than my 5lb weights.  By the end of it, I was sweating like a pig, the other women looking like they'd stepped out of the spa.  When we went to the mat to do our abdominal exercises I swear we all fell on the mat.

What did I learn out of this?

I am not too bad of a yoga instructor.  I have so much more to learn, I think this could be a new pursuit.

My arms are going to hate me after those 8lb weights for 35 minutes.

Nobody went running to management complaining that I killed them.

So maybe it was a good day.

I'll see how sore I am tomorrow.

Truths about Shark Marathon on SyFy

We've been watching Shark Marathon on SyFy, and I thought I would share a few things we have learned.

The first one to die in the shark movie is that poor sap out fishing at night by themselves. They hook the big one and end up getting eaten.

Put a group of young kids together in bikinis, the ones that complain are always the first one eaten. Usually preceeded by at, "I wish I would die," or something like that.

Depending on the budget of the movie, you will either see quite a lot of blood (big budget) or fade to black (low budget). The budget of the movie is usually aware by the title, "Attack of the Two Headed Shark," two heads means a lot of eating, therefore a big budget movie. "Supershark," low budget.

When I was kid, explosions and spears were your best weapons when trying to kill a 20 foot shark. Now a days, they use chainsaws, circular saws, and dental picks - not sure what damage a dental pick can do to a shark.

 If you want to be spared by the shark, make sure you are a tree hugger. All the eco conscious people of the movie are the ones that survive, usually with a long monologue about why we should be good with the earth because all of our bad practices are causing the two headed 25 foot shark.

If the girl in the bikini is running, she will always trip and no, the bikini does not fall off. The trip always helps the shark catch up with them and eat them.

No one believes a kid. In any movie.

The engine will not start. Ever. Even if it is brand new. Nope, it will never start.

Anytime you see a fin, someone is getting eaten. When the fin goes under water, that means the shark is coming up under the boat and eating the contents.

If there is a sex scene, there is always coitus interruptus by the shark. And for some reason the bathing suits still stay on.

So like the Zombie Apocalypse, we all are basically screwed when it comes to fighting the shark that mutated from the nuclear waste spewed in to the ocean by the evil oil developer.  So if you could choose, how would you go??