It's a Valentine's Pinterest War!

Valentine's is a day of love, excitement, and perhaps for a few of us, a reason to get lucky during the week.  Valentine's is also a holiday of low self esteem when you are a mom, when your child comes home from school with that handmade mailbox full of reasons why you suck as a mom.

When I was a kid the only dilemma on Valentine's day was how to write the name of the boy you "liked" on your Hardy Boy valentine.  If I write it too big he'll know I like him.  If I write it too small, he'll think I DON'T like him.  Wait, does this Valentine say "love you," oh I can't send this to him because then he'll really know that I like him.

Now, no one sent me the memo about the competition on Valentine's Day between Moms.  That this holiday was renamed, "Oh I'm a crafty wench," for Moms as their children brought in the hand decorated wagon of full of homemade treats and cards for the class.

My first hint was watching all the different things my friends were pinning on Pinterest.  "Wow, look Martha is making clay impressions of her son's heart out of cookie dough then hiding a SB Anthony dollar in each one before she baked them.  Now, that's crafty."

I thought it was the usual Pinterest game, that people were simply in a pinning war to show other Moms that we can all find the super craft stuff, but no one really DOES it right?

Then the mailbox comes home.  One Mom hand stenciled a Robert Frost poem in a perfect heart on a cut out doily attached to beautiful Valentine themed card stock.  Another, made her own Valentine paper with seeds of love in the paper, the children should plant the paper and watch their love grow.  And yet another drew 27 scale replicas of the Universe with a little "you are here with my heart" decoupaged over the Earth.  (Oh very crafty, a learning lesson and valentine?)  Then there's the one that made cookies that look like each child with hand lettered love poem for each one.

Me, I sent in the boxes of Candy Hearts.  I've got a whole Pinterest board of crap I could do for Valentine's Day but who's got time for that.  The basketball game was on last night and I had better things to do.

What I am going to do, is find some really crafty Pinterest pin about what to do with all the leftover Valentine crap and pin it to start freaking all the Moms out.  Maybe I can create a post Valentine, "Oh I can do crafty things with all your crafty things" holiday.

And you know what, my son went through his box, tossed all the cards and notes, even the exact replica of the human body in toothpicks, and went straight for the candy.  Take that you Moms.

How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

REAL Conversation Hearts

What candy hears should really say - For All The Single ladies--

U R NOT 4 ME

Y NOT GO AWAY

OUT OF YUR LEAGUE

U DON'T MAKE ENOUGH

DON'T WAIT 4 TXT

I'M NOT DESPERATE

TOO MUCH 4 U

NOT TODAY

NOT EVER

IT'S NOT ME IT'S U

LOOKS DO MATTER

C U LATER SUCCA

AIN'T GOT TIME FOR DAT

For the Kids in the family - 

YUR FACE - my boys love this saying so much, and it would fit so well on a conversation heart.

WTF? -  You know, Want The Fudge?

CLEAN YUR ROOM

Y YOU FIGHT

BRUSH YUR TEETH

STOP!

B-CAUSE I SAID SO

And Finally for us Moms - 

NAP 4 U

I'M IN THE TOILET, PLS!

GLASS O WINE

MILF

SEXY YOGA PANTS

CALL ME A SITTER

Guys - What NOT to do for Valentine's Day

As you've probably become aware, Valentine's Day is just a few days away.  If you've been getting the hints from your significant others, you better get on the stick and do it now.  Here's a few hints of what NOT to do for your significant other.

Hooker Lingerie - I know you think that this is the perfect gift for both you and her but if she hasn't dressed up for you as a hooker then don't buy it.  The same is true with the value pack of white cotton Granny Panties.

Any appliance  - especially one she didn't ask for.  You will lose all man points even if you paid extra to have it installed by a Chippendale dancer.

Fixer Uppers - Don't let the lady behind the counter fool you, she does not want the Anti Wrinkle Cream for Valentine's Day - even if you're thinking she'll love even more that you shelled out $65 for a 6oz bottle.

Spanx - She needs to buy the slimming wear, you don't.  You're not supposed to notice she needs the slimming wear.

Potted plant - sure it's a living present, but honestly, if there are children in the household, how long will it live.  If you have to go with the living present, get the Chippendale guy as a singing telegram.

Chocolate - psst, she's already got a hidden stash of the chocolate she loves, you'll pick the wrong kind.  Then she'll spend the rest of the night wondering if you are trying to make her fat.

Fishing Pole - do not think of a single present that is a hint to her of what you like - hooker lingerie, fishing pole, sporting event tickets, you will be spending that special time without the love of your life, but will have a very happy best friend taking her place.

Gym Membership - really?  Of course your significant other, DOES NOT need a gym membership.  She's perfect - she has plenty of Spanx to hold everything in.

That stupid little peeing kid from Spensers - no novelty gifts - like "for the girl who has everything" or the twenty pack of different flavored condoms.  Those will be found in the back of her drawer in ten years by your children and you'll be footing the therapy bill.

Clothes - face it, where is everything article of clothing you've bought her?  Not sure?  Have you ever seen her wear it?  Not sure, trust your judgement the orange sweater just isn't her and leave the clothing shopping to her.

What can you go right with?  Gift Cards to her favorite stores.  A handwritten note of how much you love her (get your writer friend to write it.)  Schedule a house cleaning while she's at work.  Think of frivolous when thinking of gifts - fun, not what she expected and completely blow her away.  If all else fails, take her out to dinner and call it a night - especially if she's open to the hooker lingerie you gave her.

My story in 3 Hiakus

Flash Fiction Challenge - can you tell a story in 3 Haikus?  Here's my attempt:

Title - Love In The Middle

Two youngsters find love

Over a lonely lunch tray

While another longs

Obsession with her

He uses lies and tactics

To drive them apart

But love still happens

Inside middle school walls

Because first love lasts

Man Language - Um Yeah

 Good morning students, today our topic for Language Arts is Man Language.  We're going to explore the different dialects of Man Language and start with some easy translations.  A common phrase in Man Language is "Ummm Yeah."  Like the Woman Language phrase of "FINE" this can have many different meanings when used in different context.  For example:

"Ummm Yeah," when used with asking a woman for directions, translates into, "Oh, I listened to where you said I should go but I'm going to go the opposite way, get lost and get mad at you."  If you add the word, "OK," to the end of it the translation includes, "After making you go in the gas station and ask the attendant."

"Ummm yeah," can also be used to describe something.  When in Woman Language the male hears the phrase, "Don't these jeggings make my butt look small?"  The "Ummm yeah," translates to, "Whoa, what in the world are you talking about, but I'm not getting myself in trouble.  I'm leaving your girlfriends to do that."

"Ummm yeah," also can be used as a contradiction.  "Ummm yeah," into the cell phone at approximately 2am translates to, "Yes, I'm on my way home.  Be right there."  Usually, the male then lets his phone die to have the excuse, which brings another way to use, "Ummm yeah," this one after the woman phrase, "I'm assuming that you're going to tell me that your phone died?"

"Umm yeah," can also used to describe something.  Most men now have the app that alerts them when their girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter gets a haircut.  The first words of, "Umm yeah," translate to, "my app told me you got your hair cut, I can't tell except that you look mad because I didn't say something."

"Umm yeah," can also be used to show men's feelings.  When in Woman Language, there is a "dumping," meaning, a girlfriend was not present for a session which leaves that evening as he is trying to watch Vana on Wheel of Fortune.  Translation, "I didn't hear a word you said, but hope this sufficing as acknowledgement."

Just like many languages, certain phrases have many different meanings when put in different context.  Next lesson delves deeper into a more used term, with many more meanings, the term, "Sure."

And now for your homework, please post your examples in the comments for other uses of, "Ummm, yeah."

Class is dismissed.

Things that freak me out

Here's a list of things that freak me out, feel free to add as many as you want.

10.  Waiting for the crescent roll tube to pop.

9.  Accidentally setting off the mouse trap.

8.  Reaching into the garbage disposal checking for what's blocking it.

7.  The automatic light going off in the restroom before I've exited.

6.  When you buy cheap toilet paper, and you realize it's really too thin.



5.  The scab hanging on for dear life, by one little tiny corner so it flaps.

4.  Reaching for anything that rolled underneath the couch.

3.  Waking up to a child standing silently by the side of the bed.

2.  Swimming in murky water, especially when you see that tiny head disappear back under the surface.

1.  Watching a small child's booger flap in and out of his nose.

Man oh man

One of the leading news stories this morning was about a bill introduced to outlaw words with the word "man" in it. So colleges cannot call their incoming students "freshmen."

Seriously?

So what are they, fresh people, or fresh crowd, or fresh human beings? Or we just go with the obvious, "students."

In this city do they have police people? And personholes? Do they have peopleowars washing up in the beaches?

They say that the move is to keep women from being offended by the use if the word MAN. Seriously, was anyone really worrying about this?

Here's what I picture. City councilman, I mean city council person sitting behind a very large desk, "my constitutes, don't worry our unemployment, I'm sorry, our unemploypersonent rate is 16.9%, we need to work on hiring more word police taking THE MAN out of everything."

It is these things that not just make you sigh, but make you slap your head saying,"MAN oh MAN". Oh, I'm sorry, "PERSON oh PERSON."