The "Daddy's Out Of Town" Contract

So, Dad is traveling.  There are few things we need to make clear:

1.  Let's not announce the morning runs to Krispy Kreme, he really doesn't need to know they now have Birthday Cake Batter Doughnuts.  Mom's thighs will announce that when he returns.

2.  I know we all miss him, imitating him by walking around the house in your boxers scratching your butt does not help.

3.  You can sleep in my bed, as long as you don't realize I am sleeping in yours.

4.  The movies we watch in the den stay in the den.

5.  If I don't feel like cooking, then you will eat the spaghettios and like them.

6.  If you two start fighting, your Dad is not here, you are on your own.

7.  When he calls you are under obligation to talk to him on the phone AND tell him how much you miss him.  (Failure results in loss of Mom/Dad bed privileges)

8.  We can all equally trash the house as long as well all equally run around frantically cleaning things up for one hour before Dad returns home.

9.  Just because there is only one parent currently in the house does not mean I get the teenage angst of two.

10.  When Dad finally gets home, I will not hop, skip and jump into a hot bathtub with a glass of wine as long as you put down your video games and cheerfully greet him.

Because if the dog is the only one greeting him at the front door - we are all in trouble.

Water Aerobics or Strapping a Noodle between your legs on purpose

I had the inclination to go and try water aerobics.  To be honest when I went to swim laps, I saw this instructor (WOAH) teaching the class.  And Every woman was talking in the locker room afterwards (naked) about what a GOOD instructor HE was.  I had to see what all this water aerobics stuff was about.

I show up in my bathing suit.  I am the youngest person at this class by far.  And that's not a bad thing.

I'm standing by the pool wondering what I do next when, a woman floats by me riding the noodle better than John Wayne.

"Grab a noodle honey, stick in between your legs and get in the water."

I am officially without words for that one.  But I go and grab a noodle, slide it gently between my legs (oh for pete's sake get your mind out of the gutter and back in the pool) and walk into the pool.

Did you know there is an art to righting yourself while riding a noodle in the pool?  Me neither as I slipped a little sideways as I walk down the steps and slip, my face coming up way too close to the crotch of the ONLY guy getting in the water for his water aerobics class.  I knew then to do this class I had to master the noodle immediately.  (oh for pete's sake back in the gutter again?  Get back in the pool!)

We are all floating there, looking at each other.  Waiting.  For something.

"It's 9 o'clock, where is the instructor.  The class starts at 9 o'clock.  Where is she."


Picture some women named Shirley or Gladys, or Mabel.  With a thick New York accent, in a blue tennis skirt style bikini, floating by me in the pool.

"We're not getting any younger here.  I could be dead by the time she gets here."

I'm thinking it is really hard to take her seriously as she is there riding a noodle like Dale Evans (don't know her, go google it, it's safe) her white cap on - the Esther Williams style one with all the little flowers on it (of course you'd never wear that swimming because it's not very aerodynamic) full makeup AND you can smell her perfume.

Obviously, her kids are grown because she expects people to listen to her, whereas my kids never hear a word I say.  (Clean your room, pick the towel up from the floor, don't strangle your brother)

"If she doesn't show up soon, I'm teaching the class myself."

I'd love to see that.  Much to my disappointment, the instructor shows up and we spend an hour riding noodles while waving our arms, scissoring our legs, complete with a few giddy ups from one end of the pool to the other.

Surprise number one - this actually was harder than I expected it to be.

Surprise number two - Shirley or Gladys or Mabel kicked my ass at water aerobics.

May I be as spritely at her age to think that I can ride a noodle, wearing a white flowered swimming cap, full makeup and perfume AND rock water aerobics!

Did Mom Just Say That?

Things that you will never hear a mother say:

“Wow, this is the first time in a year that you cleaned out under your bed?  That's where all those clothes went!  I can’t wait to do these 16 loads of laundry.”

“That’s fantastic that your field trip is today and you need an orange shirt.  Hold on I’ve got an orange sharpie and a white T-shirt, give me about an hour.”

“What?  I didn’t say clean the WHOLE deck?  Oh, that’s OK, I’ll go back out there and clean the stairs for you.”

“Oh, that’s not what you wanted for dinner.  Let me run this next door to the neighbors so I can start on something you really want to eat.

"You know what?  I hate doing laundry, and you're right, you do not have enough clothes.  Here's my credit card."

"Here, I'll give you whatever you want, please stop crying."

“Oh you don’t like the 85 dollar shoes now?  That’s OK, I look really good in neon Michael Jordan high top basketball shoes.”

"No, no, you go ahead and buy those coins on your game.  I don't need to buy groceries this week."

"How many times do I have to tell you to keep that door open.  I am trying to air condition the neighborhood."

"Oh honey, if everyone else is doing it, then absolutely, you MUST do it too!

“I love the exercise I get when you let the dog out and she takes off down the street.  I feel my legs getting stronger.”

“Oh good, that laundry smells like feet.  I’m glad I got my sense of smell back.”

"Honey, can you come and dig that Lego out of the bottom of my foot.  I think it took part of my callous off."

"You know, that red Icee you spilled on my carpet has given them a lot of character!"

“It is so nice to have the monthly alarm of the smell of pee reminding me to clean the toilet in the boys bathroom.”

“What?  Oh honey, I wasn’t sleeping, I just had my eyes closed.”

and finally,

"Yes, you're right.  I didn't realize it.  I am made of money!"

WTF Advice From Grandma!

Sometimes you feel the need to impart advice to your friends.  Here's a few I remember from my Grandmother.

"If you can walk past him with a green clay mask on your face, you belly wrapped in plastic and sweat pants and he still chases you around the couch, then, hold tight because he is a keeper."

"If you don't have time to clean, lower the shades.  Guests won't worry about dust as they are worrying about tripping over the furniture."

"If you are happy then it is Happy Hour.  The beer just makes you a little more happy."

"A good friend will hang out with you, a best friend will point out the 2 inch long billy goat hair hanging off of your chin BEFORE you go to hang out."


"Sometimes kids need a good slap to the back of the head, I swear their brains stop working periodically."

"Don't ever smell a pair of kids/men's underwear to see if they are clean.  Even on a dare."

"No one looks in the tampon box.  Hide your valuables in there."

"A good woman knows how to drink a beer, sing "Roll Out The Barrels" and kiss, not in any particular order."

"No one wants "she had a clean house" chiseled on her tombstone."

"Great beer is like great friends, everything's easier when in hand."

"Do not spit off of the Twister ride at the beach.  That B*tch turns around awful fast."

"Let the fart out.  If you don't it will travel up your spine to your brain.  Look at Pop Pop, that's where all his crappy ideas came from."

"Did you just see what I paid for that sandwich at Arby's?  I think that included this salt shaker."

"Honey, I've been at this rodeo a little bit longer than you, perhaps you should listen to me."

And finally,

"Some people need to sweep around their own door steps before worrying about yours."

Oh Pinterest You Did It Again - Belly Wrap Edition

So I've been reading about body wrapping and came to two very powerful conclusions.  If it helps with my muffin top it is worth it.  And, boy it is pretty expensive.

So I went to Pinterest and decided, heck, look at how easy those pictures make it.  I'll do my own belly wrap.

Easy, right?  Buy some Ace bandages, Epsom Salt, Coconut Oil and green tea.

It was easy and my first wrap was a success except.....

Note to Self:


Do not do your long run the same day as your belly wrap.

Next time you buy epsom salts, do not buy the Peppermint salts.

If you are running during wrap day, put plenty of Body Glide on your butt and do not decide to shave your hoochie Hoo.

Because the water from the salts will run to a certain place, and oh Lordy.....

Now I know what "being on fire" feels like, and I am not talking about my stellar personality, I'm talking about my nether region.

There.  You are welcome.  In a completely G rated post I was able to convey that Peppermint Epsom Salts on a chaffed ass will make it feel like it is completely on fire.

Now, I know why I took a Lamaze class over 13 years ago - to perfect the breathing when in the same type of pain as labor.

Maybe I'll just keep my extra baggage around my middle so people will not be TOO jealous that I am smart, funny, beautiful AND skinny.

This A'int No Road Biking!

Let's get out and enjoy some mountain biking, they said.

It will be fun, they said.

You're a biker, you'll love it.  They said.

There are some real fundamental differences on Mountain Biking vs Road Biking.

Years of being clipped in on a road bike did not prepare me for unclipped mountain bike pedals.  I really had no idea how to start pedaling again.  With clipped feet, I am used to pulling UP when I pedal, my feet kept leaving the pedals!

The above problem is no fun at all when trying to navigate rocks, roots and narrow trails.

Rear brake, rear brake!!  I figured out why they kept telling me that as I flew over the handlebars stopping abruptly on the downhill.

I understand all the padding.  I've got chain marks on one leg, a bruise on the other and can't feel my hoochie hoo.

I understand you have to pedal and go fast to go over the stumps, roots, rocks and other shit - but that makes me go fast.

It is possible to be screaming on the downhill and sound like a "motorboat" from all the bumps on the way down.

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Did you know that mountain bikes have big knobby tires so you will bounce off of trees?  I found this out firsthand, right before I fell over.

Of course you are supposed to look the part.  UNTIL you start pricing out HOW to look the PART, then you declare yourself a naturalist because you cannot AFFORD to look the part.  (The same is true on road biking, but I've had 8 years to amass my collection)

When I went to the internet and searched mountain bikes, funny how most of the pictures that came up had something to do with falling.  (I am not alone)

So there you have it.  A committed road cyclist trying to get dirty on the trails, having quite a few of those "What the hell was I thinking" type moments.  Falling down, but getting back up, because I will not let anything beat me.

And I'm putting some towels around my hoochie hoo next time because if I get that tap on the shoulder one night this week, I'm going to groan and actually say, "Not now honey, my hoochie hurts!"

WTF - Why I Don't Buy Nice Things......

I always wondered why my mother never invested in a couch for our downstairs, how our couch started fraying at the edges, smelling slightly like sweat, and eventually needed a book under it because one of the legs broke.

Now I understand.

Kids wreck things.

Specifically kids wreck YOUR things.

The amount of trashing an item is in direct proportion to how much you paid for the item.

T-shirt picked up at consignment store - they'll spill some tea on it.

Expensive blouse bought for a cocktail party - they'll accidentally squirt soy sauce on it, or better yet, they'll spill their Red dye Number 5 Tummy Yummy down the front of it before you leave for the party.

It always goes the same:

"Mom, let me use your iPod/iPhone/Computer/GPS/Garmin?"

"No, because you'll break it.

"I will not!  I swear I will be careful, I will be SUPER careful.  PLEASE!"

"No."

"Come on Mom, I need it for my homework/essay/life well being."

"OK, but please, please be careful."

Child gets the item, then will usually do something like:

"I don't know what happened, it just dropped."

Me, "What did you press?"  Them, "Nothing I swear."  Me, "Why is everything resetting?"

me, "What happened to my iPod/iPhone/Computer?"  Them, looking at me stupidly.

I think all adults should be tased when they think about giving their child  their expensive item - because we fall for it.  Every.  Single.  Time.  .

Here's why we do not buy expensive stuff:

Kids will spill their Blue Icees in your brand new car with the tan interior.
Kids will pull your Beats headphones out by the cord until it tears.
Kids will wear your expensive running shoes then end up playing in a creek.
Kids will keep pressing buttons on your electronics until they don't work.
Kids will stuff their mouth full of goldfish and then sneeze in the backseat of your car.
Kids are holding the cabinet door, "I don't know how it came off the hinges."

So that couch stayed in the basement until we all were gone to college.  That couch held a lot of secrets from my teenage years, some consisting of throw up and others well, never mind.  My mother was smart as I watch my son dump his red Kool Aid onto my new leather couch.

WTF - How do you define success?

Everyone has their own definition of success, I thought I would throw a few things out there that put a zippidy do day to my day.

10.  When the pants you put away last summer actually fit, and I mean you are not laying on the floor trying desperately to close the zipper.

9.  When the dog has not decided to get up in the middle of the night and take a shit right next to your bed.  (Think she is trying to tell me something)

8.  When my gas low light dings AFTER I have dropped both children off to school.  Can't be stuck in the car with them saying, "Well, why didn't you get gas before?"

7.  Everyone after a long 7 hour drive in the car emerging alive.  (That takes a lot of restraint)

6.  When you bite into the lemon filled Krispy Kreme doughnut and it doesn't explode down the front of your shirt making it look like you puked yourself.  (I was not successful this morning)

5.  When a friend stops by for a glass of wine and you haven't already poured one for yourself.  At 2pm in the afternoon, on a weekday.

4.  Finding that really cute shirt you bought on the sale at the end of last summer.  Actually, forgetting about the sale and shirt and everything then that Christmas feeling of finding something new with the tags still on.

3.  Finding money in the pockets of everyone else in the family's pants.  Especially after it has been freshly laundered.

2.  Opening the Chateau de Box of wine and finding you still have another glass left.

1.  Someone actually repeating back to you a job you want them to do, especially younger aged children and men married over 10 years.

What do you call a success story?

WTF - Fundraiser?

So, I am knee deep in helping with a Spring Fundraiser at someplace on the planet, and part of the idea was to create a thermometer.  You know, chronicling the progress as we add money to coffers for something new and spectacular at this favorite place of mine.

Don't you like how I am covering up the, "the names and places of this blog are in no way close to anyone I know because everyone knows I am a recluse who doesn't really go anywhere."

Any way, the banner is delivered to this place, and certain parties do the work of rolling it out ready for hanging on the front of the non profit establishment.

Here's the banner:

What?

I know, the person in charge mentions, "Doesn't that look like a phallus?"

I'm thinking, "What's a phallus?"  Then it hits me!  Oh yeah, it does look like a big uh, one headed wonder!

Normally most people would say, "Isn't that a big dick?"  But the people I am fundraising for are educated, I hear things like, "phallus, that male body part, male anatomy."

So as the people at the establishment go into panic mode to fix the sign, my mind takes a turn for the worse.

Hmmm, does this cat print make my penis look small?  Meow?

Umm, maybe if we reach our goal we can have fireworks coming out of the top?

Who's decision was it to make the cat print purple?  Really?

Are those ticks, well, you know, well, oh never mind.

Then it hits me.  

Well, you can see that I've been married too long when I don't notice the big wiener on the banner.

And, maybe if we keep it, it will surely capture the attention of all the women, now won't it?

Which could bring in a lot of money?

We could hit our goal.

Oh, I can see the fireworks!

WWMD - What Would Mom Do?

Here is my challenge to other bloggers, in honor of Mother's Day, I challenge you to write a piece about what you mother has taught you and then pass the torch on to all of your blogging and non blogging friends.

My mother passed away a few years ago from brain cancer.  I wish I'd taken the time to sit with her and ask her questions about life, about who I am, and about my family.  There are so many moments in my life where I question my sanity and wish I could just pick up the phone and make that phone call, hearing, "Don't worry.  It's not you.  Boy when you were little you did the same thing."  But instead I focus on those things that I feel she ingrained in me, made sure since she wasn't here a long period of time that I focus on the important things.

There is nothing you cannot do.  Sure Mom was always pushing us, but it was because she wanted more for us, she us to move beyond the street we grew up on, she wanted us to live.  She showed us that she could do the same thing is walking into a new job, a new life and persevering because to her, failure was not an option.  Try bringing home a bad grade in math in elementary school, she taught us early that she expected more from us and wasn't taking no for an answer.  Later in her chemotherapy time she still didn't give up, she decided that sure things may look like shit at the moment, but just being here was worth it.

I'll never forget watching her on that hospital bed playing Uno with my oldest son, listening to him complain that he was losing to her every time because they were "princess cards."  He didn't notice that her head was shaved, that there were tubes coming out of her, he noticed the princess cards because she didn't draw that attention, she simply went on with life.

I love that in her diagnosis we had the gift of time.  We were able to tell her how we felt in those months, talk about different feelings, and most of all hug her.  We didn't mind pushing her around on the red rocker (combination walker wheel chair) we just knew that every moment, every memory we created were special because unlike others out there, Mom had an expiration date.  There was a journey waiting for her that few even knew existed until they were stepping off that ledge.

Have some fun.  Sure, our dogs never sat or heeled or pooped in our yard.  We had hamsters that ran along the top of the kitchen cabinets.  We had birds that flew around the house landing on the dinner table picking the seeds out of the tomatoes.  Our house was never spotless, there was always time to play mermaid on the blue carpet in the basement rather than scrubbing toilets.  Later I remember her running after Wolfgang who was 3 at the time with a Ninja Turtle mask while I tried to get used to another newborn.  She always had time to have fun with her grandkids, a trait I hope to pass on.  We played hard then we cleaned up - it was simple.  Dishes after Thanksgiving, wrapping paper after a birthday, dog poop after a new puppy.  I love how I told her after a few beers to look "casual" going into the hotel to use the bathroom.  Well, she tripped into the hotel lobby, and tripped going back out to the street - both of us laughing.

Don't give up.  Many can decide to live in the life they have.  My mother decided that there was something out there for her and she went for it.  She wasn't looking for romance, she was looking for a partner and she found one.  Someone who sat with her every night drinking a beer talking about their day, someone who enjoyed making homemade soup as much as she did, someone who pushed her in the wheelchair during those years, gently touching her bald head before lightly kissing it.  Someone who took care of her and loved her until the end, loved her so much that he passed of a broken heart 6 weeks later.  Most are not that lucky.

When it is time, it is time.  My mother fought the good battle against a disease that slowly takes the pieces of the person you love and steals them away.  We took her advice when we had to make the hard decisions in her treatment, when we had to bond together and say goodbye.  We knew that she lived life to the fullest and the present condition was not acceptable, we knew that from years of listening to her tell us what she wanted us to do, she was silently telling us it was time.  There was a new adventure awaiting,  time to let her go.  The nurse told us, "She had a strong heart," when she died, we all knew that was true.

I know that we did the right thing, because when I want to call her and ask those questions, I feel a sense of peace.  Leave the dead be, they are in their own place, your job is to live now, is what she always told me.

Oh, and the secret to a clean house?

Lower the shades, they'll never see the dust.