Smooth Criminals - NOT!

There are three things you need to know if life according to my Dad, a great martini, how to tie a tie and the perfect poker face.  Unfortunately, my children haven't learned a single one of them - especially the poker face.  When it comes to smooth criminals, well, let's just say they have their Mom's genes.

But let me back up.

It all started with a dolphin.  In a garage.

Yep.

I was walking to my car when a nice non serial killer looking family asked me if I liked dolphins.

"Why, yes, one of the girls staying with us loves dolphins," I replied.

"We won one at the boardwalk, would you like it," Non serial killer Dad asked.

"Sure," I replied.

They opened their trunk and sitting there was a 6 foot stuffed dolphin along with a very sad non serial killer looking kid saying, "I won it, but it doesn't fit."

What could I say?  WTF, where am I going to put that.

The devil in me thought, "Oh this is great.  I'll give it to Abby then laugh all the way to Beaufort watching Maria trying to fit the damn thing everywhere."

I took the dolphin.  And that's where the adventure begins.

The dolphin made it up to our beach condo, the dolphin was claimed by my son (WHAT?) and they played with the dolphin.  The dolphin didn't make it ten minutes before he suffered a mortal wound to the side, tiny little white balls (my kids laugh here) oozing from the cut.

Did I tell you that the stuffing of cheap stuffed animals is this tiny little balls, but they are like the glitter of a Mom's World.  They get out and get everywhere and you are finding them years later in places you never imagined.  Well, when our dolphin suffered his mortal wound, I immediately told the kids to take him down to the dumpster and get rid of him gangsta style.

Fast forward, I am sitting out on my back balcony, 4 floors up with Maria and I look out.  "Well look, it looks like it is snowing."

We both watch the white travel up in the wind (there is a nice steady 30 MPH wind at the beach) and it gets a little thicker coming up on the balcony.  It takes me a second because my mind is thinking glitter before I realize

"It's the stuffing of the dolphin!"  I run over and look over the balcony and there is my son taking the dolphin to the dumpster (ok, maybe he's riding the dolphin like a bronco to the dumpster, the stuffing pouring out the side of the poor thing)  The white stuffing is being picked up by the wind and swept up the side of the building onto balconies, into my hair.  I

It gets worse when he tries to stuff the dolphin into the small dumpster, it obviously doesn't fit, but spews more stuffing everywhere.  Many are looking over their balconies, a few drunk college kids yelling, "It's snowing at the beach!"

Here's where our kids would make terrible criminals.  Abby comes running into the condo, through the screen and all to tell us that the boys are getting that stuff everywhere.  Both boys come running in saying their heard maintenance on the phone about the mess, what do we do?

What should I do?  I should make them go down to maintenance and apologize for the mess, explaining that the dolphin was going to the dumpster - indicated by the path of white stuffing in the elevator down to the lobby, through the front doors, along the front of the building, down the side and into the dumpster.

No, I tell them to sweep all the stuffing from our front door down to unit 418 while I vacuum up everything in the condo.

So they worry that they'll get arrested.  I play it up saying that a MD number just called my phone, which actually gets them to clean the condo a little bit better.

And if security or maintenance was unsure about which condo the stuffing came from, I tried to pin it on the group of college kids in 118 looking over the balcony saying, "It's snowing."  But I'm sure it's obvious in the scared faces from 4 kids looking very guilty over the railing as they watched maintenance clean up their crime.

A good martini, tie a great tie, and learn a good poker face.

We've got a little work to do.

Going to the beach...don't leave without....

Going to the beach with my family has taught me a few valuable lessons prior to school letting out and summer beginning:

1.  Sand is evil.  It has this power, I call it the crotcrakmiserwear power, the ability to find the one place that would annoy you and working it's way in there.  Here are a few example:
In the hinge of my glasses, so every time I open them it crunches.
In my beverage/food/mouth so I can hear the crunch between my teeth.
Inside my bathing suit just as I go for a long walk and feel every inch of it.
On the lollipop BEFORE the child even gets first lick - I just take lollipops and roll them in the sand then say, "Here honey, let's just get this out of the way."

2.  It is very easy to skip your mortgage when at the beach.
It starts with the trip to the grocery store for every snack food you can imagine without any nutritional value.
You then spend a fortune in the souvenir shop so you don't have to buy them a LIVE hermit crab to bring home.
There's not one, but many trips to the arcade and each involves lots of money, money for THE CLAW, the one game that has taught too many children the agony of defeat.  With THE CLAW is the DRAW, if they hit it big, there's a iPod Touch they could win!  Children will result to digging through the couches to satisfy their claw addiction.

3.  Food at the beach has no calories, especially those that are good for you like - French Fries, Funnel Cake, Ice Cream, Candy, and especially Caramel Popcorn - when followed by a Diet Coke.

4.  Everything will stay perpetually wet at the beach - your bathing suit, your towels, your clothes, toilet paper, coffee filters and especially

5.  There is no way to look sexy running - Bo Derek was a fluke, probably because they filmed her in slow motion so she didn't fall all over the place when her feet hit the sand.  When you do fall in the sand, it's usually with that lollipop in hand.

6.  If you want to feel better about yourself - go to the boardwalk.  Your choice of bathing suit is so much better than 400 lb men in Speedos and women in thongs where their butt cheecks eat up the butt floss.  If they are not walking in bathing suits, they are in too short shorts, too tight T-shirts, and usually holding the extra size bucket of French Fries.  Feel better about your self and go on a diet all at the same time.

7.  Thinking about a tattoo - go to the boardwalk - best deterrent out there.  The 70 year old female in the thong with the tattoo of Free Bird from the 60's that now looks like a Turkey Vulture on crack will make you think twice.

8.  You will look like shit at the beach, beach hair - that fully humidity, kinky, hard water shit you can't get a comb through will be the norm.  Want to feel better, go to the boardwalk and see that everyone else is in the same predicament, some worse than yours.

9.  The pirates had it right - the only way to survive the beach - the sand, the boardwalk, the mini golf, the food is with rum.

What have you learned at the beach/