"Do you wanna hide a body?" She asks.
I nod, "Absolutely, I've watched plenty of CSI before, I am an expert at this."
"OK, you are right. We can put the body in my son's room, while we figure out what to do. The smell definitely won't be noticed there." I reply.
"What do you need?" She asks.
"I guess the first thing needed is a blanket or a rug." I reply, scratching my chin, "One that is preferably big enough so nothing is hanging out."
I think a little longer.
"I've got it. Let's use that hideous blanket my mother gave me when we got married. This way if anyone notices it missing, the logical explanation is that I've always hated that rug, it was time for it to go. Perfect excuse." I say, excited that I can finally get rid of the monstrosity in my bedroom.
"We'll need a plastic bag or tarp or something," she adds, "Body fluids can be pretty messy."
"Messy?" I ask.
"Yeah, remember putting Vicks Vaporub under our nose and spreading a tarp when changing a toddler's diaper? I figure it's probably worse than that." Her eyes furrow.
I remember those days, I remember smells and sights that brought me to my knees. "God yes, I remember that. Good idea. I may have one in the garage."
She starts thinking again. "We could make it look like a robbery. That way if it is found then we are not suspects."
I think about this. S"Take out all the money, don't forget the Costco card because I'm not paying for another year for a card just for wine specials."
"OK, we've got the plastic, we've made it look like robbery. Where do we dump it?" She asks.
"Throw it over the overpass. That's where everyone dumps bodies in the movies. Let's do the one on Shallowford Road." I suggest.
"Oh, that makes total sense, because that over pass is right over ROUTE 40!" She looks at me like I am an idiot.
"But if it is in that hideous rug, most of the cars will run from it. I can see someone yelling, 'Harold, hit the gas, what if the ugliness of that rug rubs off on us! Get away from it.' I'm laughing at this." I say.
"Maybe the overpass is not such a good idea. If you remember the movies, they always find a body when it's dumped. We need something that makes the body more discreet." I say, sad that I am stuck with the stupid rug for a little longer.
She starts thinking again. "So the overpass thing probably isn't such a good idea, how about chopping it up, putting it in plastic bags? I got several boxes of the XL Ziplock bags. I found them on sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond."
We both pause, thinking about this. The answer for that idea is obvious to the both of us. "But that's too much like cooking. I don't feel like cooking tonight, do you?" There's another pause as that idea bites the dust.
My friend brightens, "We could dissolve it in acid."
Our minds start turning. This could be a plan. "Acid, easier to get rid of, small manageable parts, we could just put it in the fridge in the back, everything back there looks like a science experiment."
We look at each other, chopping, finding some type of acid resistant container in our overflowing collection of Tupperware. "How do we keep the family from peeking in the containers in the back?
"I know! Put an expiration date of two days past today. No one will touch it!"
Sounds like a great idea. Common sense gets the better of us.
She looks at me, my stylish skirt, my new white shirt.
"We'd both look horrible in prison orange, it does not go with our hair." She says quietly.
"Too much work involved, anything that seems like housework or cooking is not worth the trouble. Plus what do we do after they are gone?" I add, looking over to the two in the kitchen.
"Funny, but I think we'd honestly miss them." She says as her husband turns and smiles at her holding up his beer.
"I can't believe they didn't pick up wine when they stopped to get beer. They'll never know how close they came to staring in the next Criminal Minds episode." I say as I smile and wave back.
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