Truth in Advertising

Let's put a few real commercials into perspective:

Benadryl - the young child parent's dream.  Need a full night of sleep - we are the answer.

Hot Sauce - Yes, you know you want to do even if you were the one that taught him that word.  So go ahead.

Bargain Toilet Paper - yes we are sandpaper, but you are buying us you cheap shits.

Disposable Douche - Take that disposable douche and throw it away - whether it is an actual person or not.

Lubricant - if she's not happy you will suffer for the rest of your life.  Make her happy, suck it up.

Pregnancy Test - if you are too young call your parents, if you are too old call your grandkids for directions.

Lite Beer - yes, we really are for wusses.

Mini Pads - young girls we're your rite of passage, old women we're your last resort.

Deodorant - we're not just for your underarms anymore.

Internet Dating - really, put your real picture up on your profile and you'll have much better luck.

Wine - because sometimes it's better than a shotgun.  And your best friend is on vacation so you'll not be able to hide the body.

Any new commercials you'd like to write?  I'm thinking of starting a company.

Time - Is It Real?

Did you know that time is not constant - that time is really in the eye of the beholder.  The only constant in the Universe if the speed of light, and there are some times during my day that I wish I could travel by the Speed of Light.  Here are some interesting facts about time, The Grey Area Style.

You have probably spent close to a quarter of a year of your life standing in the middle of a room wondering why you walked into said room.  

You have spent more time than that going back into the room trying to find the item you originally went into the room to look for.

You have spent more time than that arguing with a child about where exactly they put the item they have currently lost.

You have spent more time than that putting away most of their items including the one that is lost.

You have spent more time that that bending over to pick up items from the floor.

You have spent more time than that walking into a room and sighing then starting to pick up all the items from the floor.


Now that we've put time into perspective here is ways to create more time for yourself.

Let all offended family members look for their own shit.  Have the will power to tell them, "I don't know where it is, go find it" without feeling the guilt that since you put it away you should look for it.

Don't pick anything up in their room - when they need something they will accomplish two things for you - actually cleaning their room and finding the object.

Don't wear your glasses when cleaning - this saves you the time of finding all the nooks and crannies to clean.

Put your sentimentality to the side when cleaning - now is not the time to sit and read through their baby book, you will feel guilty that you dropped the ball at 2 years old and start digging around to find the photographs.

Rather than looking for or calling your children, simply act like you are on an important phone call - their inner radar will have them running to you in no time.

So, since you cannot go back in time (and smack yourself for some of your stupid decisions) don't worry about time because technically, it doesn't exist.  What you see as quality time with a glass of wine could be another Mom's quality time of cleaning out the toilet bowl - or you could save time by tackling them both at the same time - would make cleaning out the toilet bowl a little easier.

And finally, use the age old saying with your family.

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Now go about using your time wisely - get back on Facebook.

A kid's view of money....

There are a few differences in how I view money versus how the younger generation views money:

Son, "Can I have this book/game/piece of candy/snake/bike/motorbike/snowboard?"
Me, "No, we don't have any money."
Youngest son, "Just go to the ATM and get the money."

Me, I picture how I can accomplish this if the money really is not in my account.  I picture taking my husband's Avalanche, around 330 in the morning.  Kids and hubby are asleep in bed and the truck won't be missed.  I back up to the ATM, pull out a chain, wrap it around the machine.  I throw the car into drive, hit the gas and as the machine falls over, it immediately spits out all the cash sitting in there.  I leave not a finger print, or tire print and we all live happily ever after.  But this is reality and I don't have a chain, even though I usually am awake at 330 in the morning.

"Honey, it doesn't work that way."
Son, "But it's a money machine, it gives us money."
"Honey, it gives us money out of our account.  If we don't have any money in our account there's no money to give."
Son: "But the account is in the machine."
"Yes."
Son: "And the machine gives us money."
"Yes."
Son, "Then if there is money in the machine then there is money in our account right?"

Sigh

Maybe I'll stop and buy a chain on the way home today.

Happy Birthday - I feel old...

My son turns 12 today, twelve, yep, that means that he's been on this Earth for twelve years.  How do I know that?

1.  He's shot up in height, I've sunk down.

2.  He has a six pack, I've got a litre bottle sitting there.

3.  All of his teeth have not fallen out, I'm glad I still have all of mine.

4.  His hair grows faster than I can cut it, mine falls out faster than I can color it.

5.  His birthday breakfast is bacon and eggs with a side of doughnuts, mine is one, yes, one single blueberry for its antioxidants.

6.  He can down an entire box of cereal in one sitting, I can add 1 pound of flab to my thighs by looking at said box of cereal.

7.  He can sleep through a nuclear fall out, I lie awake wondering if that really is a spider crawling across the floor.

8.  He grows out of his shorts in just a few months, I grow out of my spandex in just a few meals.

9.  Everything in his body is just getting started, mine is in the overheated stage.

10.  He's excited about getting a year older, I've quit aging at 21 plus change.

Nothing like Epic Style Notes!

Sometimes you need a pick me up for your day.  I thought I would make myself feel better by listing the things of which I have talent:

Losing my phone - I seem to be very talented at this.  My phone's been left on the floor at a New Years Eve Party, thrown out of my pocket on a epic wipeout on a ski slope, taken by a baby and hidden under a couch, and now sits in a lock box in Salt Lake Airport until said manager returns to open said box.  You never know what phone numbers you DON'T have until you lose your phone.

Saying the wrong things at the right time - Sometimes it would be nice to have filters on my mind and my tongue, but then there would be no drama in my life.  This way I can keep things exciting as I dodge the blow of my brother in law for saying something.

Pointing out the Obvious - see definition above.  Standing, not realizing your husband is behind you saying, "I got that cute Abercrombie Shirt for my son on sale for 68.99."  He then has a fit and proceeds to explain that a: they are still growing why buy expensive stuff and, b: The Target one looks exactly the same and c: Don't get him used to expensive brands early, we can't afford it.

Staining - I have the affinity for white, and usually the first day I wear it I spill something like Balsamic Vinegar, or Texas Pete Hot sauce or Easter Egg dye.  Then I find out I am equally talented at not being able to get the stain out of my shirt.  I am also equally talented and accidentally dropping a new pair of jeans in with stained shirt so I can wear it again.

Falling with style - I fall.  Yes, I fall alot.  But I've made it such an art form I've heard guys yell, "TEN" by the side of a ski slope.  Other runners stepping over me by the side of the road.  Finally, I've won the  award for quickest get up off the ground/ego check on trail running.  If you are going to fall, then fall with style is what I say.

Asking Silly Questions - since most of my family members consider the uterus to be a homing device, I'm always asked there things are when lost.  One of my favorite answer is a question, "Where did you lose it?"

Selective Hearing - I am very good at looking directly at the person talking, looking enthusiastic, shaking my head, then repeating the last word of their sentence.  Even when I have no clue what they are talking about.  This condition steps up a notch in talent when talking about number..

Stalking - I'm a very good stalker on Facebook.  Boy am I glad that there isn't an app to see who's viewed your profile - I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Embarrassing my children - this requires a lot of work, because children are very sneaky to get away from Mom when their friends are around.  My saving grace is the carpool line where they have to wait outside with their friends, I can casually stick my head (with my cowboy hat) out the window and yell, "Come on little podna!  We've got some wrasteling to do."

Being Me - finally, it's easy to conform to what other people think you should see/do/be, but I'm much better at being me.  I'd rather be unique than be a clone.  As Abraham Lincoln once said on the internet, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

What would you add to the list?

Truths about kids....

10.  If it is expensive, they will break it.

9.  If you really like it, they will lose it.

8.  If they lose it, it is before you get the enjoyment of using it.

7.  If you buy another, and tell them not to touch it.  They will wait one day until they use it - and break it.

6.  They will not know how they broke it.

5.   Blame usually consists of siblings pointing at each other.

4.  Even if it is not supposed to come apart, they will find a way to take it apart.  And break it.

3.  If it is a secret, they will say it.

2.  If it is embarrassing, they will say it loudly and in a crowd.

1.  If it is a drink and in a restaurant, it will be spilled, and in your lap.

The Lost iPhone Adventure

Yesterday we were on the red eye flight from Salt Lake City to Charlotte.  As usual there was total chaos trying to get everyone moving and into the airport.

Setting the scene:

One rental car to return.
Three EVIL bags - bag 1 - 175 lbs snowboard equipment.
   bag 2 -  209 lbs of ski equipment.
   bag 3 - -  heaviest simply full of crap.  Well not exactly crap, but stuff.

Two boys in the back already starting the shoving match before they even exit the car.

Sitting at the departure gate (or bar next to it) I say, "Wow that was painless," reach for my phone and ugh!  Gone!

Wolfgang, my Rainman son has installed "Find My iPhone" on my iPad because I do usually lose me iPhone.  He plays a signal on the phone to see if it is in our bags, but no noise.  He hits "Show" and from a Satellite photo the iphone is sitting in the garage of Salt Lake Airport.

Hubby jumps up - you probably left if in the rental car, let me go get it (isn't he grand?)

As he leaves, my boys are convinced that someone has stolen my iPhone, and they are getting it back.

Here's how they think it goes:

They play emergency signal on the phone, with an emergency note stating, "This is a lost iPhone, please mail to this address."  Another emergency signal, another note, "We are locking this phone so you cannot use it without a password."  They explain to me that the perpetuator is probably bugged by everything the phone was doing and will leave it somewhere - they saved my phone!

How I think it goes:

The hubby finds it in the rental car, alarms start to go off.  Hertz attendants swarm him accusing him of stealing an iPhone.  Another alert pops up, he shows the message and eventually has to pull out his ID to show it's the same last name.  They give him the phone, and as he walks through the airport each alert is loud and clear, causing another stop (and possible strip search) at security.  And many people people to stare at him.  Needless to say, by the time he gets the phone to us, he throws it at us and asks it to stop.

How it really went:

The satellite was right, the red dot in the garage was my phone.  When it moved back to the terminal (as we played the emergency alerts) it went from the rental car to the lock box.  Once in the lock box, it cannot come out until a manager arrives the next morning.  When my husband arrives, they inform him of this then please ask him to turn off what ever is playing all the loud obnoxious sounds.

Find my iPhone - what a great app, I think?