WTF - Wellness Exam

The docs over at Grandfather Clinic did some type of bait and switch on me.  I planned my morning thinking the kiddos were getting a 15 minute flu shot.  (I know, many people say this doesn't help at all, but whatever)

We checked in, and the receptionist handed me a book resembling the Dictionary.

"Is this the Dictionary of Medical Terms?" I asked.
"No, it's the paperwork you have to fill out for their Wellness Exam." She replied looking at me like, "lady your joke isn't funny at all."

"I'll need each paper filled out for each child."  Goodbye Pisgah National Forest.

Finally, we sit with the doctor, he starts with, "We are doing a Wellness Exam, let's start with a few behavior questions OK?"  I'm thinking, "Uh oh, this could be the social services stuff nightmares are made of. I didn't school them on the we are five servings of fruits and vegetables, no sugar, vegan, gluten free range type of family."

The first question, "Do you feel sad sometimes?"  My son of course says, "Yes."  I'm thinking, don't say yes, they will think you have depression. Then I argue in my head, doesn't everyone feel sad sometimes?  Seriously, the answer should be yes.  I mean I never got my second cup of coffee this morning and I'm sad thinking about that. The doctor asks my son what he feels sad about, he simply says, "I don't know."

"I don't know?" Oh we are so going to fail this Wellness test.

"How about sitting still, do you have a problem with sitting still?" Really?  He's a boy, they all have problems with sitting still. My son is smart enough saying, "Not really. I do like running."  Good answer sweetie.

"Do you do after school activities?" They both shake their heads, don't they realize I'm a Mom Fail if they are not active? Wrong answer. The doctor rewords it, "Do you have friends?" I'm laughing thinking, real or imaginary? Both say yes, then look at me like, "what does after school activities have to do with friends?" I just shrug.

"Do you participate in Sports?" I'm beginning to think we are the lame family, as we are not answering any of these questions correctly. My son makes me feel better, asking, "Does snowboarding and mountain biking count?" Add a few points to the Melangs, we have this questionnaire down!

"How many sugary drinks do you drink a day?" He looks over to me, knowing if he answers correctly the doctor will tell him that is too much I'll be cutting back on the drinks. I see the wheels turning, his mind saying, "What is an appropriate amount of sugar drinks?" He looks at the doctor, "3, I think?" The doctor nods, good answer honey, we are halfway through the questionnaire.

"Are you a picky eater?" He asks, I immediately answer in my head, "not when it comes to different types of candy." My son looks over to me, "I like eating cereal." Great job, you didn't specify what type of cereal, he doesn't have to know it is Sugar Pops.

Then we move onto the easy ones, "How many bowel movements do you have?" My son looks at me, we've never called it a bowel movement, we poop. "Pretty much daily, he's pretty regular," I answer as my son's face turns red.

Luckily for us, I think we answered all the questions correctly because no one from Social Services was waiting at the entrance to the Pediatrician's office as we left. I ask the older son, "What did you answer on that test?"

He looks at me, "Mom, you saw the big CONFIDENTIAL on the folder right?"

So we eat our veggies, are sad sometimes, not in any after school sports, like to mountain bike and snowboard and poop on a regular basis.

Thank God that questionnaire was not for me!!