There is heroin in Trader Joes

Trader Joes - this black hole masks itself as a grocery store.  Sure any sane individual can walk in and actually get groceries and walk out, but this store is designed for the other 98% of us, those that have absolutely no will power.  You start very calmly, thinking you are picking up your groceries at a great price and feeling like a great Mom because most of what you buy is organic (score)!  Then you move from only focusing on what you need to making the mistake of looking up into the spawn of temptation - the upper shelves.

Trader Joes is the only store I can walk into and justify to myself that I really do need, Salted Caramels, Dark Chocolate Peppermint Bark, Cookie Dough Butter, Red Licorice AND Dark Chocolate Almond Drizzled Biscotti.  Any normal grocery store and I'd sail right past any type of sweet and go straight for the protein bars or fresh fruit.  No, here it's like I become a crazed lunatic, wandering like a zombie down the aisles of the store, pulling things from the top shelf and carefully piling them into my shopping cart.  Add a case of wine for under 40 bucks and I've satisfied every vice in a one stop shopping, well, two stop shopping - one extra stop at Frederick's of Hollywood.

When you think you have the Trader Joe secret licked, when you think you can be strong and not buy anything you don't need - they come at you from another angle.

"Would you like a free sample of one of our products?"
"What is it?"
"English Toffee laced with Heroin and topped with Almonds,  our special recipe, a free sample."
"Why of course it is."
"Sure."

$362.54 dollars later, walking out in a case of wine and a full shopping cart, while holding a mile long register receipt, you're wondering, "How did that happen?"

Secretly, I think they pump oxygen into the store, while wafting smells of baking cookies and making fudge so resistance is futile.  I'm waiting now for the online version, when you order from the comfort of your home and go to pick up your groceries.  But wait, what if they make me walk inside to get them?  $465.72 dollars later.

Spring Forward -NOT!

Here's my Daylight Savings Time Opinions -

Getting up tomorrow morning is going to suck.

Getting my spawn up for school is going to suck even worse.

Who thought of changing the time?  Probably some Mayan and we all know how they screwed up the calendar.

Nope, it was probably someone WITHOUT kids who said,

"ooh, let's screw up everyone's morning by taking away an hour and adding it to the end of the day.  We'll confuse them while they are still tired, then sneak into their homes and steal all their money."

So, go to bed early you say, attack it that way.

Well of course not, going to bed early SOUNDS too logical so therefore both of my kids ARE NOT going to do that.

Maybe I can bribe them with a trip to Krispy Kreme if they get their act together with what will feel like the butt crack of dawn tomorrow morning.  Better than the going to bed early stuff, I say.

Are you happy Spring is right around the corner?

St, Patrick's Day Ideas

A little St. Patrick’s Day Fun for the Family - take that Pinterest!

It’s the one day of the year where everyone, and I mean everyone is Irish.  St. Patrick’s Day, a holiday that meant totaly debauchery when you were in college, takes on a whole new meaning when you have children.  You move from what bar are you hanging out in to the magic of leprechauns and pots of gold.  Since I am graced with the name Kelly, St. Patrick’s Day is a big holiday in our home.  Here’s a few fun things we tend to do on the day of the green.

Start your day with an Irish Song - right now every store has an Irish song CD at a discount.  I simply put my Pandora station to Celtic Music to start the day, then traditional Irish songs the rest of the day.

Those pesky little leprechauns do crazy things in our home on the day, they really are the tricksters.  They love to turn the milk green, so a bowl of cereal in the morning or a glass with your breakfast is nice surprise.  Amazingly, somehow the eggs in the pan also have a green tint, I say that the leprechaun was talking to the hen a long time ago.

If you hit them early, most dollar stores or Target has chocolate coins around St. Patrick’s day, I always pick up enough for my child’s class.  Then the leprechaun goes to work!  It is amazing that every year, when my son’s class goes to lunch, the leprechaun sneaks into their classroom and creates total mayhem.  Last year, he put a bookbag hanging from the ceiling.  He took the teacher’s chair and put it in the closet.  He switched out pencil boxes of the students, he even left part of his gold, luckily chocolate coins on each of the desks of the students!  The teacher usually reads a story of a leprechauns to complete the day.

The best part of his visit to the school and the home?  He leaves little pieces of himself around the home, small spots of glitter.  Short sheeting the bed.  AND he even uses the toilet.  Did you know that leprechauns pee is green.  (You can make his foot prints by coloring the side of your hand green and stamping it around the room.)  Oh, don't forget to short sheet the beds and add a little glitter.

Need an Irish Lunch - How about Shamrock Quesadillas - We use Spinach Tortillas, load them with either Irish or Mexican favorites and use a heart shaped cookie cutter to cut out the pieces of the shamrock.  You can also simply cut the tortillas and then fill and fry in a pan.  If you really want to be creative you can make a St. Patrick’s Day Pizza - pizzas with shamrocks cut out of green peppers, and a rainbow out of yellow, red, and green peppers.  Yeah, I know, my kids probably wouldn’t eat it either.

Having the traditional Irish dinner - actually, you’d be serving Salted Pork and Cabbage, but here we use Corned Beef (sounds so much better)  Here’s my go to recipe for the crock pot -

1-3 lb corned beef

Onion

4 potatoes - we like russet but whatever

Cabbage

Baby carrots

1 can of Guinness

Layer everything in the crock pot - the vegetables on the bottom, the corned beef in the middle, the cabbage and the spices from the corned beef on the top.  Pour in the Guinness and beef stock or water and cook on low for 8 hours.

We add some Irish Soda Bread - my grandmother’s recipe

3/4 cup raisins

1 cup boiling water

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/3 cup sugar

3 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 egg

2 cups buttermilk

1/4 cup butter, melted

Cover raisins with boiling water; let stand for 5 minutes. Drain 

Mix the flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Whisk the egg, buttermilk and butter. Mix together until just moistened. Fold in raisins.

Bake in a loaf pan at 350° for 50-60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. 

We finish our day with a good Irish movie - I recently watched one called The Runway on Netflix, beautiful scenery and a great story.  Or the oldie but goodie - Waking Ned Devine.  Two great movies that give you a taste of the Irish life.  

Since I am not the best baker, here's a great site for some dessert ideas for school or home:

http://kitchenfunwithmy3sons.blogspot.com/2013/03/simple-st-patricks-day-oreo-pops.html

So get your Shamrock on and have some fun with the family.  Erin go Brach!!

She wore WHAT?

Here's a few tips for fashion over 40---

1.  I have yet to see a pair of white leggings that are not see through.  So if you don't have a see through kind of body, stick to the darker color leggings.

2.  It's OK to wear the baby doll or princess shirts when you are over 40 - people can look at your age and know exactly that you are not pregnant.

3.  Do not wear anything with any words like PINK or JUICE or anything else on your butt.  People your age can actually read and will read your butt.

4.  Push up bras were made for boobs that still had some type of perk to them, over 40 boobs will push up and fall out on a regular basis.  Make sure the bra looks realistic - no one wants to see your boobs touching your chin.

5.  Think twice about florals - you'll either look like a curtain or and old lady - the louder the print the more you'll see the sea of people parting for you.

6.  If you are wearing a thong, no one wants to know.  At your age it will scare most of your children's friends if they spy a "whale tail" coming out of your jeans.

7.  Your skirt length tells your style - too short = cougar, too long = grandma....just right above the knee so you can still show off the legs you've been working so hard on.

8.  Hip reading glasses - that makes being blind a little bit more manageable.

9.  Cute shoes - you can worry about your feet later.  If you don't have the clothes then blow them away with the shoes.

10.  Have fun with your clothing - it's more fun to dress up as the Chiquita Banana Lady to pickup your kids from school then the sweats and baseball hat.

11. Try it before you buy it - especially if it is on sale.  Nobody wants a hoochie mama skirt bought at 50% off that shows the bottom portion of your thong when you bend over.

Show your family that you haven't lost your sense of style in your extra layers of belly fat and dress like the fabulous forty something you are!

What would you add to the list?

Today I wine....

Today, I WINE, I mean Whine!

The Wine In The Box - we call this Chateaux de BlackBoque  We like this wine because it keeps your secret.  It's not that stinkin little bottle that says, "Hey alkie you've had your two glass limit."  No the box whispers, "It's OK, there's plenty in my 6 bottles for 19.99."

The *sigh* wine - this is the bottle of wine you find in the sale section of the grocery store.  Buy it thinking, "probably cooking wine" then get the nice surprise of a REALLY GOOD bottle of wine.  You skip back to the grocery store and then "sigh" it's back at it's regular price which is MUCH HIGHER than your good old friend Chateux de BlackBoque.

Cooking Wine - yes, I know everyone argues that there is no such thing as cooking wine.  And those Pinterest junkie chicks who actually freeze leftover wine (when is there ever leftover wine) in ice cube trays are crazy witches.  But this bottle of wine you bought because the label was pretty and made it look pretty expensive then it actually tastes so back you decide it is, ACK! in fact "cooking wine."

Beauty Queen Bottle- this is the sneaky bottle sitting on the shelf next to your Chateaux de BlackBoque that has such a pretty label that you are compelled to buy it.  Then you have buyers remorse for spending THAT on a bottle of wine and convince yourself that you'll start a wine cellar with this first expensive (over 4.99) bottle of wine.  Unfortunately your wine cellar goes out the window when Chateaux de BlackBoque runs out and Beauty Queen bottle becomes tramp under the bleachers bottle.

Bait and Switch Wine - this is my new favorite at Trader Schmoes.  You walk into but a case of 3 buck Chuck (2.99 a bottle, cheaper than Chateaux de BlackBoque) and walk out with 400 dollars worth of crap.  Well played Trader Schmoes, well played.

Kid's Wine - this is that "great mothering" moment when your child says very loudly in the grocery store, "Hey Mom, let's get some kids wine," holding up a bottle of sparkling apple cider.  Your not sure if you are horrified with them having the idea of "kids wine" or everyone in the wine section of the grocery store looking your way.

There, I've confessed.  What's your favorite wine?

Yes, those Moms

We all know the different Moms of the carpool lane....

Vinegar Mama -  this one was probably running behind from the moment she woke up in the morning. As the minivan door opens, a few toys fall out of the car as she is screaming at her kids to "Get out."  The drive back home even with the kids out of the car carries a scowl that makes us think of sucking on lemons.

Hiding Mama - this is the one that after pulling in wearing her pajama pants and hair still pulled up, that she has to walk her child into school to sign a specific paper - how quickly she turns into vinegar Mama.

DoItAll Mama - this is the mama that followed the bus to the school to make sure Little Timmy made it safely.  She jumps out of the car to hand him his pinterest inspired homemake rocket lunchbox, complete with organic snacks in handmade reusable bags.  When she realized that he forgot the lunchbox on purpose to eat the cafeteria food, she also turns into Vinegar Mama.

NachoMama - the youngster that forgot she was a Mama.  She's still in the juicy shorts, with the half the booty hanging out.  The white fur Uggs on a 60 degree day completes the look.  The child walks into school in the same white fur Uggs, but luckily, juicy shorts are not allowed.

Bowya Mama - this is the Mama we wall hate - she's the one with the baby at home that's kept her up all night for 3 straight months and she still looks perfect.  We all turn into Vinegar Mamas when we look at her.

BabyBus Mama - this is the queen of the carpool, the belle of the bus, the master of the minivan.  She can herd 7 kids, bookbags, lunchboxes, and science projects into the van and hit the carpool line ON TIME.  Of course this is the one time when the van is rocking you can come a knockin.

Terminator Mama - this one has three different seat belts holding the child into the carseat, so many clicks that even the teacher meeting the kids can't get the car seat open.  The car is one encased in steel, and before anyone can touch the child in the back seat, hand sanitizer, glued to the side of the window and doused.

Yeehaw mama - dressed like Nacho Mama, wishing we looked like Bowya Mama, trying really hard to not be Vinegar Mama - we're the ones turning up the radio with a big smile of relief as we exit to our 6 hours of freedom.

What Mama would you add to the list?

Irish Viagra - for 3 easy payments of 19.99

Does the old shillelagh have you down?

Have your lost your pot of gold?

Then think again, you are about to get lucky!  With Irish Viagra!

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For those moments when Guinness will not make her pretty enough, or a shot or two of the whiskey has got you down, Irish Viagra says, "You will make the lassie happy, there's no Blarney here!"

Some of our satisfied customers tell their stories:

"I was once known as that lephrechaun, you know,  one coin short of a pot of gold.  Then I found Irish Viagra and I can't keep the gold in my pocket.  I'm so busy hiding it these days that I've lost 5 pounds.  Not only did it get me into shape but it brought back my rainbow," -John B Duhnloughey Lephrechaun.

"I tried to talk me husband into Irish Viagra.  I told him, "Colin, if you don't think about this, then we'll just have to settle with just 8 children."  That got him all scared, now with a little help of the Irish Viagra we have enough children to work the farm.  Colin is walking a little slower these days, but the doctor says I can up the dosage."

Irish Viagra may not be for all men.  Do not take this drug if you are on heart medication because one side effect of Irish Viagra is a sudden rush from the big head to the little head.  Irish Viagra is proud to partner with Alcohol, for those that may need to change to beer goggles.  Take your Irish Viagra as directed as too much Irish Viagra could result in many children that surprisingly look like you.  Irish Viagra is for men only, a study of the drug in women says is causes unwanted chest hair and the desire to drink beer and watch football.

Irish Viagra is not made for everyone, is not for those that want to take the time and go on a date.  Irish Viagra is not for those with a low IQ as the loss of blood to the head while using could cause stupid actions such as saying, "I love you."

For more information visit our website www.findyourshillelagh.com or call us at 1-800-GET-HARD.

You'll be dancing a jig!