WTF - Packing for a Trip

We are ending up our two weeks at the beach, and I can't tell you how much I hate having to get everything ready for heading to the mountains.  Here's a list of things Mom and Dad need to do:

1.  Clean out the fridge, hear the hubby stand behind me complaining about all the food that got forgotten in the back of the fridge and how much money we are wasting (I could turn with the grey strawberries and offer them to him, but that probably wouldn't go over too well)

2.  Clean out the cabinets wondering who bought the 14 cans of Spaghettios and who was ever going to eat the Kale Chip/Dried Carrot Veggie Snacks, and then remembering in was me in on that first day thinking, "This year we are going to eat healthy, read our books, practice violin AND do math problems EVERY DAY."

3.  Pack up violin, books and Math books with a sigh.

4.  Clear out the bathrooms.  I'm taking all that shit with me.  No I don't mean shit, I mean toilet paper, hand wash, I paid for it, so I'm taking it.

5.  Pack up all the beach crap.  Spend too much time trying to get the sand off of it, then trying to get the sand off of me.

6.  Organizing and packing the trailer full of bikes, kayaks, paddle boards and crap.  It's like a life-size game of Tetriz, and I am losing.

7.  Crawl under couches, beds and chairs - find the pair of nail clippers you've been looking for all week, very happy that you just bought another pair at the store because you couldn't find the original pair, find someone else's sunglasses, happy that you are now ahead.

8.  Take all the stuffed animals won at the cheap arcade and put them in a large trash bag, parade past the children showing them the bag.  Go stuff it in a closet for the next renters.

9.  Pickup all the dog poop in the area from two weeks.  Wonder how so much can come out of such a small creature.

10.  Tell the kids it's time to go.  They explain they are not ready yet.  Ask what they have to do.  They say they have to pack.  Think that's what we've been doing all morning, this is going to take forever.

They're out 5 minutes later after throwing all their shit into their backpack.

It's time to go, one last go through the house, checking dressers, cabinets, refrigerator, dryer, and dishwasher.  When everything is secure, lower the unit temperature and walk out to your truck, pulling a trailer full of crap and head on home.

Return 10 minutes later to the dog waiting by the front door.

WTF - Sibling Edition

Recently I watch my two sons get into a WWF showdown type of smack down over the last jawbreaker.  I also watched several people within sighting distance watch my two sons in horror.  So I'm asking, am I raising serial killers or when you were a kid did you:

Sibling Game Playing:

Older:  "Where's going to play the pillow fight game."

Younger, "Yay, that sounds like fun."

Older, "OK, you hit me first with your pillow."

Younger, "OK."  Light tap in brother's face.

Older then proceeds to smack the crap out of the younger.

Older, "OK, now it's your turn again."

Younger, "Uhhhh."

I played the "Slap" game with my siblings.  This was a game in the car where we would slap each other's exposed thighs and who ever screamed lost.  Mainly because this was on long car rides and the child screaming not only lost but got the car pulled over and well, you know what came next.

Sibling Sharing.

Older:  "There's one brownie left.  Do you want it?"  Proceeds to spit on it.

Younger, "Uh, no thanks."

Sibling exercise program

Younger goes and flicks (we called it plucks) the Older's head.  He then runs as fast as he can from mad chasing sibling until he is worn out and caught.  Wrestling then ensues.

Bathroom Rules:

When someone has to go to the bathroom, some like the World Championship 100 foot race ensues, whoever gets in their first, then locks and door and hangs out-for a very long time.

Sibling Boundaries

If sharing a room, the masking tape goes down the middle.  The younger has one side, the older then says, "If you cross into my territory then I'll have to beat you up/"

The younger looks around at how the room is divided, "But I have to cross your territory to get out?"

The older smiles.

Sibling Negotiation

Younger nursing a goose bump on his head.

Older: "You don't need to tell Mom, you are fine."

Younger, "But I'm picking rocks out of my head. Why did you push me down the hill on the tricycle."

Older, "It's your fault.  You didn't hold on.  I'm going to tell on you."

Younger, pauses.  "Oh OK, I won't tell.  I don't want to get into trouble."

Finally one of my favorites:

The older is finally enjoying a quiet moment on the couch, watching Spongebob, of course.

The younger come and sits next to him.  

Doesn't watch the TV, just stares at him.

I watch from the kitchen mesmerized.

The older ignores the younger, continues to watch the television.  The younger doesn't move.

The tension in the room increases.

The younger is frozen, like a statue, watching the older.

The older finally can't take it anymore and looks at his brother.

All the younger does is smile.

The older then proceeds to wrestle with him.

When I am asked later by the younger why his brother wrestled him, I reply, "You're really asking?

Oh, the joys of family.  Hopefully the therapy bills won't be too expensive for both them AND me.

Famous Last Words

There are many times in life when you think, "Maybe this is not a good idea," but go ahead anyway.  Here are a few famous last words, take heed because when you hear them, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

"I know you have curly hair, the perm will put control in it.  Hold on, let me read the directions."

This is what my mother said, when, at sixteen, she talked me into a perm.  I am sure the directions didn't say make a part down the middle, roll away from the part with small rollers, leave it in too long.  Needless to say, it was not fun at sixteen, to have hair that looked like pubic hair on my head in the shape of Bozo the clown.

"This going to hurt me more that it hurts you."

This is usually followed by some type of torture.  A sibling holding the hot sauce to your tongue, a friend look at at the fish hook in your finger holding pliers, to the husband holding your hand as you realize the epidural didn't work and the doctor is saying, "It's time to push!"

"Don't move."

Again, this means pain.  The bee sitting on your nose as your sister holds the fly swatter, the snake next to your foot, or the toddler holding the snake out to you saying, "LOOK!  WORMS!"  William Tell coined this phrase using his little brother as a test subject on his Apple Arrow experiment.  Sadly, no one remembers the brother's name.

"Hold my beer."

I have yet to see any good idea started with this saying.  This usually ends with the person originally holding the beer, left holding the beer as the ambulance takes their friend to the ER.

"Don't worry, it's easy."

This usually means you'll be nursing cuts from the run/bike or standing lost on the side of a mountain with the only quick way available means scaling the side of some cliff.


"Three easy payments."

Your interest free offer is a setup.  They make it difficult to make the first payment, and when you hit their 15 day grace period they jack up the interest to 20%.  Of course you called several times trying to get an account number, they consider that giving information away to the enemy.



"I'm sorry I did not understand you."

This is that robotic voice usually leading the caller to throw down the phone and go out into your backyard and throw stuff around.  Then to accept that you will be lost in automatic customer service hell for the next hour and go back to your phone.

"Please wait."

This could be a computer program downloading, a customer service representative for Pure Romance, or the hostess at Cracker Barrel.  It is best to not think about life passing you buy and it could make you go back outside and throw things around.

"Momma, I love you."

Sure it's sweet, but there is always an ulterior motive behind this.  What follows is usually a WTF type statement like, "Can I use your crock pot to melt neon paint for my skateboard," or, "I'm not sure why your phone isn't working anymore."  The depth of the love statement is directly correlated to what they are requesting of you.

There are many famous last words, the only one I will take any time, anywhere are the "I love you's."

Of course, I usually follow them with, "Ummm, no."

Behind every good idea there's that little voice,

So this morning as I was settling with a cup of coffee and a little writing, dear hubby walks up and says, "Let's paddle across Taylor Creek to Carrot Island and walk to the beach!"

(I'm thinking, "WHAT?"  "Are you kidding me?"  "What about my writing?")

"Sure honey, let's do it."  (Am I really going to make it across the creek?  What about the boats?  Stand up paddle boarding across the waterway?  What if I fall in?  Why is my heart beating so fast?)

It's a adventure of 5 - Erik in a kayak with Emma, Jeff in a kayak, Maria and myself on the paddle boards.  Now comes the real adventure of the trip.

"We're going to walk across to the beach!  See it way over there?"

Me, on the paddle board, "Where?"  (Walk?  Over all that muck?  Oysters?)  "Oh, way over there in the horizon?"  (Warning objects are farther than they appear)

We hit the shore and immediately are knee deep in muck.  Jeff pulls his foot out of the muck and has lost his shoe.  Erik immediately puts Emma on his shoulders and steps into the muck.

We start walking, Maria jumped, "I just stepped on something really big that moved."

Emma looks at me, holds out her sweet little hands and quietly says, "Help me....."

I'm thinking that I am smart to have my river shoes on until my foot comes out of the muck minus the shoe.  Now I have to dig in the goo for my shoe!  I get it back put it on and some unfortunate snail gets stuck under my arch.  (We're really walking through this crap all the way over to there?)

We decide to try and get around to the dry horse trail, walk the trail to another mucky part which takes Jeff's flip flops, Erik's flip flops and adds more snail to my shoes.  Emma has this look on her face as her Dad sinks into the mud, not terror, just a "Is this a good idea" type look.  (I'm with you Emma.)

We finally find a path to the beach and as we start walking normally, husband jumps about ten feet into the air.

"What!"  I almost jump with him.

"I almost stepped on a crab," he points.  We both go over and look as poor Jimmy, pissed over a  little coitus interruptus with Shirley in the marsh.  (Sorry crab dude, we're just trying to get to the beach.  Atleast someone is getting some)


We are walking, birds are flying over us wondering who these random humans are in their uncharted territory.  I'm thinking, "First rule of survival, find potable water, then food, then shelter."  I look around.

We're screwed.

The beach is amazing!  There's miles of sand, not a soul on the beach.  We're finding conchs, hermit crabs, and the biggest scallop shells I've ever seen!  Emma is walking behind me in the water, much happier.  Jeff and Erik are talking conch recipes, while I am secretly saying, "Swim away little conchs don't become dinner!"  Emma enjoyed watching the conch spit ocean water as we picked them up, then letting them "be free" in the ocean.

The walk back was shorter, my husband the only one getting stuck in the muck, "Honey!  Don't come over here, it's a mine field!  I lost my shoe!"

Two perfect conch shells later, our pockets full of scallop shells, our memories full of laughter watching others look like little old men walking through muck, the fish biting our ankles and of course that sweet little voice saying, "Help me."

I got all excited about a HUGE conch shell sitting on the beach only to have to leave it to the hermit crab that called it home.

A few lessons learned on this trip:

I am better at paddle boarding that I thought.
It hurts to have a snail in your shoe.
Sometimes a little child can voice what you are thinking.
It really is cool to still that little voice in your head and just for for the adventure.

And, sometimes three hour tours are worth while!


So the next time you are listening to people mention what would be a cool little adventure, and that little voice starts in your head telling you every reason it is a bad idea?

Don't listen to it.

You may find something amazing.

WTF - What is that wall of water?

 As some of my Facebook friends may know, I'm spend a few days of R&R (drinking) on the Crystal Coast of North Carolina.  I'm lucky that I have friends (family) with boats and planes and things I can use.  Today, we took our crew to Shackleford Banks for some time on the beach.

Shackleford Banks is an island only accessible by boat, with wild ponies, and beaches that boast of shallow water - the perfect spot where we can settle with 8 children and not freak out all day long.

A few tips for a big party at the beach:
Wienies roast very well in foil on a skim board sitting in the sun.  (get your mind out of the gutter)
Never put the New Mom in charge of the beverages.  (Who put all these juice boxes in my cooler and where is the beer?
When someone says sit on a boat, especially the captain.  You sit.  (Splash, enough said)
So we make it out to the beach, setup our compound (12 chairs, 6 coolers (one with beer) 15 hot dogs, 4 peanut and butter sandwiches, and 22 cracker snacks (if you don't know the term, google it, it's a Southern thang, 2 baby floats, 4 skin boards, one cast net, and a 5 gallon bucket (that's for the booty we expect to catch at the beach and haul home)

There's a saying down south, "It's all shit and giggle until the someone gets hurt."  In our case it was, "It's all shit and giggles until the storm rolls in."

We're lounging in the chairs, relaxing when someone quietly says, "What's that over there?"

We look.  Funny, the town we usually see is missing in a mist, or is that rain?

Some of us slowly get up, (we don't want to stress the children), "Should we start packing up?"

The Captain looks at the mist, stands up, handing a baby to a passing adult, "Let me check the radar."

It goes from slowly moving things into the boat, to a Keystone Cops type freeforall as we start running from beach to boat.  You'd be amazed at how things seem to multiply when you've unpacked them on the beach.  Where is my phone!  What happened to my towels?  Who shoved this open can of sardines in my bag?

We make it into the boat as the heavens open up, the boat moving quickly, everyone in saying, "OWW," from the pelting rain.  What do the matriarchs in the boat do?  Sit in the back with the glasses of wine, a towel over our heads, laughing.  Why?  Because the kids haven't figured out that you won't get pelted so bad with rain in the back of the boat.  Ha ha, have a sip of wine, hide under the towel.

We make it back to the house with the sounds of thunder in the distance, and not a single child complained about the cold pelting rain of the ride, they complained about the cold of the air conditioner once they made it inside the house!

So whenever you plan the perfect family beach day, remember to always include your WTF moment whether it be crap in the ocean, or rain on the ride back, or the smack of the cold of the air conditioner once you arrive home!

Just Sayin

Sometimes there are moments when I realize that even if this little babe is from MD, there are a few things that I just don't understand.

Like the phrase, "Just Sayin."  The Urban Dictionary defines it as not claiming what you "just said."

In my mind, this phrase is just a  cop out for saying what is on your mind and actually getting away with it.

"Honey, they tried pushing you back in the ocean because you were wearing that gray bathing suit.  Wear flowery bathing suits like me and it will never happen.  Just saying."

See here, you're telling your best friend that, I'm sorry, but you look like a beached whale.  To temper it, the "just saying" is your way of backing back out of the situation.

More Examples:

"Well son, had you picked up the dirty clothes off of your floor, the dog would not consider your room her bathroom because of the smell, just saying."

"Yes, I was all ready to make you that gourmet meal, but after pouring the glass of wine for the chef, it's chicken nuggets and carrot sticks.  Just sayin."

"No sweetie, those leopard skinned spanx pants are not doing what they are supposed to be doing.  Don't come out of the dressing room, just hand them to me.  Just sayin."

"I'm not sure if pulling your breast out in the middle of the National Anthem at a baseball stadium full of drunk dudes is such a good idea, just saying."

So do you think "Just saying," means,

What the flip were you thinking?

Listen to me, you'll thank me later.

Oh. My. God.

No.  Just no....

Or do we use it to say what is really on our mind and temper it with a little bit of honey, just enough that your friend/family member/significant other doesn't go with their inner sense and just slap some sense into you.

Finally, are you just saying what you just said, or just saying what you need to say?

Just saying.

Father's Day Ideas - WTF Style

So I ask the kids, "What should we get Dad for Father's Day?"

And their answers, yes, they were serious.

"We need to get Dad a pair of Volcom board shorts and a Billabong Tank top.  That way he will look cool like the other Dad's at the beach."

Close your eyes and picture this.  Dad, of course has hit and past the 50 bubble so a tank top and Volcom shorts.....well..

"Let's get Dad the New Black Ops Ghost game for Xbox 360.  He'll love playing the game with us."  -Uh huh, he doesn't even know what an Xbox is.

"Let's get Dad some new ski pants, the ones he has are dorky.  He needs some Neff ones."  Well, Dad probably wouldn't look right with ski pants that have a comic face on them with the label of Jenyus.

"We could make him breakfast.  Wolfgang makes good toast."  Reminds me of the year they brought him breakfast in bed, toast and PBR.

"I know.  We'll do all the chores that day.  Then he won't be mad when he gives us our allowance."  We are starting to make progress here.

"We could just be good," one says.
The other one looks at him, "For a whole day?"

Me, I think for a few minutes, look at the smiling faces of the minions we've created.

"Let's just buy him a good bottle of bourbon."

Happy Father's Day.

Father's Day or Taking One For The Family

Why do we celebrate Dads?  Here's a few good reasons:

They were the original butt sniffers.  Sniffing the butt tells them whether or not to conveniently hand the child over to Mom for a diaper change.

He can fix anything with duct tape.  Yes, a leaky pipe, a broken bicycle seat, a rip in snowboarding pants to a child's attitude.  Duct tape takes care of everything!

They love science.  Especially the Science experiments in the refrigerator.  My husband just took a plastic container out of the fridge and almost fell to him knees when he opened it.  Or the piece of meat he pulled out of the freezer, looked at us, saying, "May 26th 2001?"

Not many people can handle fishing.  Or fish hooks.  Or fish hooks in the finger.  Or fish hooks in your brother's hair.  Or fish hooks in your ear.

They take a lot of crap.  Specifically with a plunger.  Because.  Well, they do.

He doesn't mind moths.  Especially those that fly out of his wallet after summer clothes shopping for boys.

Nothing bothers him.  Dads can fall asleep anywhere.  Preferably the snoring kind, that way they drown out of the noise of the children.

The Dad telling his son to pour glitter on himself and stand in the sunlight to attract girls?

Epic.

Finally,

Who else signs on for 18 years of loss of sleep, an empty wallet, arguing and smiles about it?

What Dad Really Wants To Hear....

Jut in case you haven't looked at the calendar, Father's Day is right around the corner.  Here's a few hints of things that Dad would REALLY want.

Wife, "Honey, you are right!  That lecture about how dirty my car is has inspired me to go detail my car MYSELF!  Where's the toothbrush and Windex?"

Child, "Wow, was I raised in a barn?  Let me go and clean my room!"

Child, "Sure Dad, I'd love to go and clean out the garage with you.  And you know what, I'm not even going to complain!"


Child, "Oh, I'll go ask Mom, you relax Dad."

Dog, "Just for today, I'm not going to take a crap by your side of the bed.  I'll do that over by Mom's because she's the one that picks it up anyway."

Cat, "Father's Day?  Whatever."

Child, "Dad, I found all those tools I took out of your tool bag.  And I put them all back!"

Child, "Dad, that lecture.....it just builds character.  I get it!"

Child/Wife:  "No, we don't need any money.  It doesn't grow on trees."

Child: "Were we just fighting?  Don't worry, Max has removed the word STOP from his vocabulary."

Child, "Oh, you want to sit and relax?  OK, I'll just go up to my room and quietly finish this project I put off until the last minute alone."

Wife, "You've lost something?  Honey, I love spending time together looking for it!"

Child, "Oh Dad, here's that money I said I would pay back, with 8% interest!"

And finally,

"Happy Father's Day Dad, hold the fire extinguisher, we'll go ahead and light the grill for dinner!"

WTF - Gym Style

The nice weather is here, I'm outside as much as possible and for very good reason.  There are reasons why I do not like going to the gym, and there are reasons I do like going to the gym.  We'll start with the bad news.


Reason Number One:  Those white spandex tights you think are not see through, well they are.  And the Juicy on the back of your underwear was the reason I spit water all over the treadmill.

Reason Number Two:  I don't need to see you without a shirt.  Believe me, there are a few I wouldn't mind, but please put your shirt back on.

Reason Number Three:  There is nothing worse than a strange smell on a yoga mat.  I have now purchased my own after running screaming for the shower after one particular class.

Reason Number Four:  If I wanted porn, I'd watch it at home.  Listening to you moan like a bad movie when lifting weight is not doing it.

Reason Number Five:  Those ladies walking around the locker room like they own it naked.  Especially when they come up to me while I'm naked saying, "I like your bra, where did you buy it?" Personal space people!

Reason Number Six:  An extra bubble in the hot tub.  Where the hell did that come from?

Finally, sometimes going to the gym can make you dumb.  Maybe it's something in the air, or something in the weights.

I went to the gym, with bad weather figured I'd take a run on the treadmill.  Set my RunKeeper, started the treadmill, and got in a nice 6 mile run.  Feeling refreshed, I looked down at my App.

What the hell?  It says I didn't do anything!  I just ran 6 miles.

What is wrong with this thing?  I think as I shake it.  Maybe I need to update it again.

I pause.

Oh.

I was running on a treadmill.  I really did go nowhere.

What are your favorite things about the gym!

What Happens In The Proctor's Mind, Stays In The Proctor's Mind

Those in North Carolina know that we have our EOG, End of Grade testing this week.  Another definition according to Wikipedia, a method used for measuring eye movement and for ophthalmological diagnosis - I think this translates to how quickly can we put teachers and proctors to sleep and keep track of the results!


As a involuntary (OK, voluntary but it took a lot of teachers making me feel guilty) that I became Proctor of a Grade 7 Mathematics EOG test.  In a nutshell, a Proctor is a person that must walk through the room, not saying a word, not helping anyone, not really doing anything but walking through a room trying to look busy, not saying a word.

Yes, yours truly that cannot go more than a few minutes without imparting my wisdom, usually on random strangers had to go through 4 hours of EOG.  So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my thoughts as I wandered that room.

I've got to do this HOW long?
OK, that chair looks like a torture chamber.
What is that smell?
Why am I here?
Who's idea was this?
What is that smell?
What did that instruction mean?
How do the kids do this?
Who's fooling with the thermostat, it feels like a sauna in here.
Only a three minute break?
It's only been ONE HOUR?
What is that smell?
OK, Think of a story idea.
Think
Think
I've got nothing.
Who's humming in here?
Is it proper to write IDK and WTF next to the question?
When's the next break, it's only been 15 MINUTES!
Something in here smells rotten.
Oh My Goodness, she hasn't even started the calculator active part YET?
What do I do with the kid sleeping.
That smell is back again.
Please, I will pay you to turn on the AC.
Let's replay my favorite movie in my head.
Dang, I forget the ending!
What would they do if I started tweaking right now?
Naw, they'd have to take the test again, these kids look like they'd kill me.
Oh, break two - 3 minutes to get that crick out of my back.
Wait a minute that means 2 MORE HOURS!
I am screaming in my head.  SCREAMING.
WTF WTF WTF WTF
*sucking my thumb*

The best part, once the test was done, the teacher picks up the tests, turns and says, "You are to do nothing, not make a noise, nothing, until I return.  THE PROCTOR will tell me if you misbehave and have to take the test all over again."

26 pairs of eyes turns to me as she leaves and I spend the next 10 most uncomfortable minutes of my life, worse that asking one of the girls in middle school if she had an extra pad in the lavatory!  They stare at me like I am the enemy, I will not tell them what was going through my mind.

What did I learn?

I can survive 4 hours without my cell phone.
Wow, I have the most interesting conversations in my head when I am actually listening.
I had no idea kids could make those types of noises with gum.
I had no idea kids could create such art with eraser dust when bored.
It is not fun having a kid give you the death stare, especially when it is not one of your kids.
My voice sounds different after surviving 4 hours of not saying a word.

WTF - Belly Wrapping Questions By Boys

So they were supposed to be out biking for at least an hour.

I was planning 30 minutes.

Enough time to get my Pinterest inspired belly wrap up and where it should be.

But they came back in mid wrap.

The oldest walked into the kitchen, yelled, "Oh my God," and covered his eyes.

The youngest was silent and simply ran back out the front door.

****

30 minutes later - when they deemed it was safe to enter the house and not witness Mom's House of Torture.  They walked into the kitchen, where I sat, calm, checking Facebook.

They walked slowly looking my body up and down.

"Are you still doing it," the youngest asked.

"What," I asked.

"You know, that thing you were doing, with the green stuff and the plastic."

I look at him, "I wasn't hiding a dead body, I was just detoxifying my body with a homemade Pinterest wrap."

They both look at me.  "Is it still on," the oldest whispered, acting like I've got the ebola virus under the plastic and it could infect them.

"Yes."  I say, taking a step toward them.  They both step back.

Then they are curious.

"Are you wrapped in plastic," one asks.

"Yep," I answer.

"All the way down," the youngest adds.

"Yep," I answer.

They both look at each other, I'm wondering if they will disown me for my vanity.  Or if they will never see their mother again with out plastic on her body.  Perhaps they will love me and accept me, wrap and all because I am-----their mother.

"What happens if you fart?"


Wow.  I never thought of that.