WTF - New Mom vs Seasoned Mom

New Mom only feeds home cooked organic oatmeal to her children for breakfast.
Seasoned Mom says no to the chocolate bar for breakfast then pours a big bowl of Captain Crunch.


New Mom watching child on the playground and says, "Be careful" with LOVE.
Seasoned Mom watching child and says "Be Careful" because she doesn't have time that afternoon for a trip to the ER, and said child is wearing white, no one ever gets blood out of white.


New Mom still say, "Why did you do that?"
Seasoned Moms know that is the most useless question out there along with, "Are you busy?"

New Moms have a 5 second rule.
Seasoned Moms have the "just blow the ants off of it, it's good," Rule.


New Moms keep a beach full of mismatched socks in case they find socks.
Seasoned Moms point to the bag saying, "That IS all of your socks."


New Moms think they can act asleep and the child will go on their merry way.
Seasoned Moms have learned the art of slowing their pulse into "death mode" in an attempt to get an extra 15 minutes on a Saturday morning.

New Moms always check expirations on food for their children.
Seasoned Moms have the "I sniffed it and didn't pass out, it's good" test on food.


New Moms have the kids and themselves dressed and out the door in time for school.
Seasoned Moms are late to school and have to walk their child wearing, "I wasn't planning on getting out of the car" style they love.


New Moms get the shit scared out of them at 330 in the morning when a child quietly walks to their bedside waiting for them to wake up.
Seasoned Moms feel the presence and go back to sleep figuring if its a serial killer there's not a whole lot they can do at 330 in the morning.


New Moms feel guilty when someone else is cleaning their home.
Seasoned Moms sit back with a glass of wine and watch.


New Moms gladly eat the fried skin of the chicken on their plate so the child can eat all the good stuff.
Seasoned Moms tell their kids the food on their plate is extremely spicy enjoying all the goodness for themselves.


New Moms keep a child home from school because they "don't feel well."
Seasoned Moms take all the lightbulbs out of the room so the child cannot put the thermometer on a hot bulb warming it up to "hell is on fire" temperature.


New Moms take the lunch back to school when it is forgotten.
Seasoned Moms figure the "I forgot to put money on your school lunch account so it is prison lunch for you," will teach them a lesson.


New Moms think a "beautiful well day" would be great, let me keep the kids home and enjoy them.
Seasoned Moms remember how well the last "well day"went and will never do that again.


New Moms give the kid being an ass in public a smile saying, "It's just one of those days."
Seasoned Moms give that child a look that says, "Remember there's only you and me when we get home.  Soon, my friend, soon."


New Moms lay out their clothes the night before.
Seasoned Moms tell them they are on their own picking up their clothes from the floor sniffing them to see if they are clean.


New Moms look at that mess thinking, "Oh well, at least he's being creative."
Seasoned Moms look at that mess thinking, "You'd better be cleaning something or fleeing in the next ten seconds."

WTF - Who's first?

WTF - Who's First?

There's sibling rivalry, then there's a whole new dose of it when it comes to being first.

First to the car in the morning for the front seat.

First into the bathroom to poop in the morning.

First to push the elevator button, this one, my friends was the worst.

We'd go to the doctor's office and the fight started over who gets to push the wheelchair button to automatically open the door.

Then I'd stare down the long grey carpeted hallway to the elevator at the end.
Just like the movies, the hallway would grow longer as I prepared for it.

Both boys would look at each other with a,

"Oh, it's ON buddy."

And when I say ON, I mean bigger and better than any Black Friday opening at a Walmart with only 3 TV's at a discount.

Both would start in a full run, the youngest tripping the oldest halfway down the hallway then resembling a running back jumping over him to get to the elevator first.

The oldest would jump up, pulling the youngest down by his shirt. Two people walking down the poor hallway would jump out of the way.

Both would crash into the elevator at the same time,

one with a millisecond advantage, pushing the elevator button first. The other screaming in frustration.

The other simply pushing the wrong button for the rush he missed in the showdown.

Then we move to who gets to push the button for our floor first.

So many people would say, "Oh, you go ahead, we'll take the stairs."

Now we move to who gets the front seat of the car on my carpool days. The boys have decided whoever calls "Shotgun" first gets the seat.

It started when they were sitting at breakfast, one looking to the other with a big smile saying, "Shot gun."

The the other got smart, opening the door to the bathroom pouring cold water on his brother saying, "Shot gun."

The youngest set his alarm 5 minutes earlier than his brother, getting out of bed walking to his room saying, "Shot gun."

Finally the oldest woke up in the middle of the night, called his brother's cell phone, leaving a message with a time stamp simply saying, "Shot gun."

I had to put a stop to it because we never made it out the door on time with all the arguing, even days the oldest gets it, odd days the youngest.

They are still arguing about it.

Oh the joys of childhood, arguing with your siblings,  wait, I still do that with my sisters,

It's over the last glass of wine in the bottle though.

WTF - Did My Phone Just Ring?

I'm sitting and relaxing, editing some work and all of a sudden I hear a strange noise.

What is that? I've never heard it before? Oh wait, it is vaguely familiar.

It's my phone ringing.

My first thought is, "Who in the world is calling me? Don't they know it is 2016 and people don't CALL each other anymore?"

Do Smart Phones receive phone calls?

Of course I recognize who it is, it's that person proclaiming they'll give up their Flip Phone when they pry it out of their cold dead hands.

I should answer it. I mean, it is the first phone call I've gotten this month.

I don't even answer my phone for phone sex.

But, feeling guilty I let the call go to Voicemail.

The person actually leaves a Voicemail message.

A VOICEMAIL! a 3 minute 27 second voicemail, are they telling me their life story?

Who listens to voicemails?

Where is voicemail on my phone?  I think there is one from my husband from 2013 sitting somewhere in there.

Then I feel guilty.

I know!

I'll just sent them a text message.

Then they'll know I had my phone, they'll know I ignored their call.

I could send an email, nobody ever reads emails.

No, I'll wait 15 minutes then send a text message, saying I can't get their voicemail because really, I can't find my voicemail.

I mean, I can't call them back, who makes phone calls these days?

Are you a Mother Lover?

Mother's Day Schmother's Day - Use The Card!

I started all sappy and stuff but, well, that's just not my jam.  So listen, here's the facts I know....

If you have children, you are a mother.
If you have fur babies, you are a mother.
You don't have to give birth to be called mother.
If you have feather babies, you are a mother.
If you love someone unconditionally, you are a mother.
If you have scale babies, you are a mother.
If you are the voice of reason for your friends, you are a mother.
If you have babies here on earth or in heaven, or in your heart, you are a mother.
You accepted a child into your heart, a friend of your child or a child in need, you are a mother.
If you listened, offered advice, or simply hugs to a mother, you are a mother.

OK, I'm done with all the sappy stuff,

Pull out the Mother's Day Card! Finally!

Remember all those jobs you keep asking your kids to do and they conveniently forget?  Pull out the Mother's Day card.

"Boys, remember I asked you boys to pickup the trash and the sticks from the backyard."

"But it's 36 degrees outside and snowing!"

"Well, it is Mother's Day."

"ugh!"

 This could also be called the Official Sit On Your Butt day. You don't have to get a thing!

"Honey see that Kleenex box across the room?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you get it?"

"What?"

"But it is Mother's Day."

Ugh."

Then wait for them to sit down, "Oh, can you get some sugar for my coffee?"

Then wait again for them to sit down, "My feet are cold, can you get me a pair of socks?"

You can pull the card anytime you want.

"Hey, let's watch Jaws together as a family."

"What, I thought we were going to watch The Human Centipede."

"But, it's Mother's Day."

"Ugh."

This is the let them do the cooking day, lay back and watch or better yet, film the chaos in the kitchen. I'll never forget my one Mother's Day where the boys brought me toast and a PBR for breakfast in bed.

The best is the end of the day, getting every inch out of the Mother's Day card until I have to put it away for another year.

"Boys, the dog ran off down the street after a skunk."

"What?"

"You need to go find her."

"She'll come back."

"But it's Mother's Day."

I think I heard one of them say, "Man, this is a long Mother's Day."

I've accomplished my mission. They get a taste of my daily life.

Sure, it's supposed to be sappy and sweet and all that sugary stuff. But when you are mother lover like me, I'd rather keep things real especially when I make them give me hugs and kisses (yes, even at their age) before they go to bed. I take those any day over chocolate or flowers.

Oh, and boys I'm waiting on all the "I love my Mom" Snapchats and Instagrams pictures!

WTF - How to write a sex scene

So a possible editor sent back one of romance manuscripts telling me I need a few "steamy" scenes.

Enter how to pull off the sex scene.

Read a bunch of porn, no I'm just kidding. My imagination is much better than that.

Sit in the living room, working on the scene, figuring out what three items should be included.

boobs?

Butt?

The big deal?

Then figure out how they are going to do it, not the Fifty Shades of Grey do it, but a normal, "romantic" sex scene do it.

Why can't they fade to black like most of the movies? Why is she asking me for details?

Oh FiFty Shades of Grey you ruined it for everyone.

So I start writing the scene, and soon get lost in the moment. Stopping periodically looking around the room.

It is surreal.

Here I am writing a sex scene and both of my boys are sitting and doing their homework. The Great Food Truck Race is playing on the TV, the dog is snoring on her bed. Everything so ordinary, then why am I sweating so much.

I plow into it, wondering,

"Seriously, does that ever really happen?" (Gazing into her luminous eyes, his breath caught at her beauty, gag gag!)

Then I move to, "Wait, I forgot the part where they stripped, how did they end up there from getting out of the car?

Finally, rereading thinking, "Is most of that humanly possible?"

I look up again and my perfectly normal household is continuing on, no one noticing my face is flushed and I am sweating.

Then I go back again over it again, please, not for the pleasure of it, because it is not right.

"Started a story as old as time?" Oh god, that sounds horrible.

"Pausing, he asked, Are you Sure?" Hell, they are already there, have to remove this line.

Crap, she had a white T-shirt in the beginning and now is putting on a black one, is she a quick change artist?

Finally, I get it the way I want it, going in the kitchen for a cool drink of water.

"Mom, are you OK?"

"Sure honey, just working on a few things."

"Why is your face so red? Are you having a hot flash?"

"Yes honey, it is a hot flash."

Then it hits me, they want this because it is good exercise for us women. Reading what I written, made my heartbeat rise, I used my arm muscles fanning my face, several muscles tensed (kegels anyone?) 

That's why we have to include these scenes in our novels, it is for the good of society.

It keeps everyone in shape.

Advice from the "cool" aunt.

Everyone has that one aunt, the crazy one.  Well, I thought being the crazy one, I'd share some tidbits of information to all my nieces and nephews.

Being cool is over rated. Being real is more important. So you know what, do that dance you have in your mind, even if it doesn't come out the way you pictured it.

Spoiling is the best form of bribing. Those of you with younger siblings know this because you've been using bribing to get out of trouble for years now. When they promise to not tell your sister about setting the house on fine and their parent find the new shirt you bought them, "I'm just spoiling him," you say.

Spoiling is a great way of getting back at your brother/sister.  "Here ya go Erma, just take one sip of my espresso and did you see the giant chocolate bar I got for you? Oh look Mom and Dad are ready to go home, here take the chocolate bar with you."

Children are the best excuses, you can use them to leave a party early. You can use them to take a nap when they are little. You can use them to explain why your hair looks the way it does. One of the benefits of having children is the ready made excuse they create for you. Use it.

Sibling's children are great ways of getting out of work at the family party. When someone needs help with the dishes, grab the nearest baby, see, your hands are full.  Don't want to play Twister, well someone has to hold the baby.

Always be willing to share, the green beans off of your plate, Aunt Mildred's Lime Jello/carrot/celery mold, that beautiful orange/green/white velour jogging suit from Grandma.

Don't worry about getting old, like me, you know 35 years old. Being older has its privileges, we can tell you what to do and you have to do it because we are older.

Don't forget to delete your browser history, especially if you are having friends over. If someone starts typing, Google will automatically fill in the rest for you, like my history that says, "Ways to kill using a wooden spoon."

Finally, just be yourself, some will say everyone else is taken, others say you are the only you you got be yourself because being really real is groovy, honestly it is.

What other great advice would you give as the "cool" aunt?

WTF - Operation Possum Soup

For those new here, we live in a very small town. You can open your front door, yell out a secret and it's on the front page of the town paper the next day.

Yes, word travels fast.

And it travels efficiently.

Our home is considered a vacation paradise, meaning around 350 people live here full time, the rest own vacation homes. Some open only for escaping the heat of summer, while others simply for the local ski resort for winter. Then there's us, we love it all!!

Needless to say, there are vacant homes around us, some for sale, some just sitting there, for years!

One such house is my neighbor, whom I'll call the Vacant/IsItForSale house.

I was on my daily run as I pass the Vacant/IsItForSale house I noticed a smell that brought me to my knees.

My years of watching CSI kicked into gear, am I finally going to be that jogger finding a dead body?

Do I want to find a dead body so close to my house?

Where are my kids? They were fighting when I left.

This smell was not a freshly dead body, so my kids were safe. This smell was the grab you by the collar of your shirt smack you in the face till you cry kind of smell.

The stuff nightmares are made of.  And you know I had to investigate.

First clue, "Wow! Look at that huge cloud of black flies in VacantHouse/IsItForSale's garbage, could it be there?

Possibly.

I walk a little closer, listening to the hum of the flies, putting my hand over my nose, my own sweat smells better than this smell.

I take a little peak over the edge of a trash can.  Oh.

Poor Peter Possum must have looked in this garbage can say maybe 3-4 weeks ago for something tasty and fell in. I remember someone at the house fixing something, did they put the lid on it?

Well the lid is off and there is a nice brown Possum soup in the trash can the flies are feasting on.

I can't take the trash can anywhere, my car is too small and the smell, oh, that smell.

So I do what a good neighbor does, I call the city, disguising my voice so I sound like Pee Wee Herman, "Herro, there is a terrible smelling dead animal in the vacation house at 1030 FoulSmelling Lane. I'm not the neighbor, I'm just a concerned citizen reporting this."

I thought my acting debut was perfect, then wonder how long will it sit there? Didn't I read a story about a memorial in Canada to a dead raccoon the city wouldn't come pick up for 30DAYS? (Hilarious story, if you want to read it click Here) I'm thinking we could have an outdoor service (can't do indoor, the smell) then a dedication to Possum Soup trash can.

To my amazement, my utility dollars are well spent, the city trash truck comes around the bend the next day, a day ahead normal trash pickup stoping at Vacant/IsItForSale house.

I feel bad calling it in, hiding behind the railing of my deck watching three men get out of the truck. Yes, it will take three men to figure out what to do, the smell is that bad.

They get to the trash can and I swear I see one almost go to his knees (like me) while the other two step away from the black cloud of flies having a party, their hands on their noses (maybe they didn't believe PeeWee Herman, I mean me when I called it in)

I'm sure they are having a serious discussion on who gets the pleasure of touching the trash can, until it looks like one of them seems to say "F*ck it" grabbing the trash can and throwing it in the garbage truck.  Bye Bye Peter. I hear the truck churn and churn for a good ten minutes, hoping that maybe they picked up a bunch of laundry sheets helping Peter get his proper burial.

They pull the can back out and toss it in the trash bid. I'm sure all the flies are buzzing around going, "What? What happened? Where's the buffet?"

Thank you, Thank you my heroes, the utility workers, you braved something I couldn't handle and came out with your heads held high and no possum juice on your hands!

By the way, I'll be stopping by with pizza tomorrow as a thank you because you see, I run that road almost every single day.

OK, back to looking for my dead body.

WTF - Operation Department Store Camouflage

My husband and I love shopping together, I think.

We ended today with him saying, "What happened to you? Where did you go?"

But, let me back up to:

Operation Clothing Rack Camouflage.

My version of what happened: 

I am the rabbit of shopping, I can scan and pick through a clearance bin within ten seconds knowing exactly what I want.  My husband is the turtle, looking at each piece, checking quality, reading laundry instructions AND determining best price.

I get bored waiting while he ponders 200 different ties, so I say, "Love of my life, I'm going to walk through the women's department."

It doesn't take me long to find the perfect shirt.

I try it on, it fits perfectly and is on SALE! It only took me fifteen minutes.

I go back to the ties, where did he go?

Walking around the department store I finally find him wandering like a zombie in the perfume second.

Why is he giving me the stink eye?

"Hey sweetie, look what I found on sale! Did you find anything?"

"No," he says.

"Really? But you had plenty of time?"

His Version:

He is looking for the best bargain in the clearance rack of ties.

I sabotage his search when he turns and I'm gone.

Where did I go?

He starts walking through the department store looking for me.

Was that me ducking behind an underwear clad mannequin cackling wildly?

Maybe I put on some of the department store clothes, camouflaging myself in a clothing rack?

Maybe I'm sitting in the middle of a circular clothing rack watching him walk by?

Could I be taking a nap in the ladies dressing room?

Where did I go?

Finally after all morning looking for me, he finds me walking to him without a care in the world holding a shirt.

Will she apologize for hiding from me?

"Where have you been?" she asks.

"Looking for you. Let's go."

"Did you find anything?" She asks.

"No," he says.

"Really? You had plenty of time?"

He thinks I'm keeping a few price tags in my pocket so I can attach them to my shirt and act like a mannequin hiding from him the next time around.

My evil plan for domination is WORKING!

WTF - How to look like a smart Mom

I thought I would share with you some terms our kids are using so you too can sound like a smart mom.

Just like me!

Yas or Yaaaassss or YAAASSSSSS  Pronounced, (ya-e-ssss)

The term Yes is now replaced with Yas when there is excitement conveyed in the statement.

Yes, I made it to my biology test on time.
YAS! Kirby said she likes you!

See the difference!

"YAS! I finally fit in my Mom Jeans!!"

***

BAE  pronounced   (B-AYE)

This has now replaced Baby or Babe because it means "Before Anyone Else."

My husband calls me BAP - "Before Pabst Blue Ribbon" I know I am special.

"Wolfgang, Bae and I are at the grocery store, do you want anything?"

***

RATCHET pronounced like it sounds, (RA-T-CHET)

This terms is used when someone's looks or behaviors are less than desirable.

"You are wearing that too school, it's too RATCHET."

***

ROAST - pronounced like it sounds, (ROA-ST)

Calling someone out in public, giving them a hard time, it now has nothing to do with the chicken in the oven.

"Your Dad roasted Uncle Greg about his shirt, then realized he had the same one on!"

***

TurnT - Pronounced (TURN-HT)

Acting crazy, having, fun being social at a party.

"Book club is meeting for a glass of wine, who knows we may get TurnT!"

***

I CAN'T EVEN pronounced as (AH-CAN'T-EVUN)

Showing disbelief or expressing revulsion to a person.

"Oh my god, Mrs. ONeal wore Cheetah Leggings to yoga today, I can't even!"

***

#BLESSED pronounced (BUH-LESSED)

This actually means you are blessed.

"Found a bottle of wine behind the Captain Crunch.  #blessed"

***

ON FIRE pronounced (ON FI-RUH)

To do something great and be unstoppable

"Did you see me dancing in the carpool line to Maroon 5, I was on FIRE!"

***

#MCM or #WCM

This is where you show your BAE love on a Monday. Literally it means, "Man Crush Monday" or "Woman Crush Monday" Some may also use it for friends they hope become a BAE.

"Why didn't you LIKE the sexy picture I posted of your Dad? #MCM"

***

T-UP pronounced (TEEE-UP)

When things are going to get a little crazy, when you are planning on getting TurnT!"

"They had my wine on sale at Costco, I'm going to T-TUP at the Shabahzi house!"

***

SORRY 'BOUT IT pronounced (SOR-E BOUGH TIT)

When you are supposed to be sorry but you are not sorry. YOLO (You only live once) usually follows this.

Dad: Mom did you really throw away my 1975 velvet shirt?
Mom: Sorry Bout It

Friend: Did I really finish that bottle of wine last night?
Mom: Sorry Bout It, YOLO

Mom to teenager, "Have you become my friend on Facebook? I'm way more RATCHET on Facebook! #SORRYBOUTIT  Son?  Son?"


And finally the emojis:

I have no idea what any of them mean.

I thought the piece of shit was a Hershey kiss.

I accidentally send a syringe because I thought it was a magic wand.

Oh, and if you see the eggplant on your child's phone this is supposed to be a certain part of the male anatomy, I'll leave that up to your imagination.

You are welcome.

WTF - Operation Produce Disappearance

Plan A is working perfectly. I'm hiding ONE piece to his ratchet set. Now to work on Covert Operation B.....

Operation Produce Section Disappearance

We are walking around the grocery store and I think, "Oh, I forgot I need Cheetos."

(OK, there are some of us that do NEED Cheetos, don't judge OK?)

I do what any normal person does, goes and gets the Cheetos.

Coming back finding cart is abandoned soI push it further through the store shopping, right?.

There he is:

Me: Why are you in the dog food aisle? We don't need dog food?

Him: I was looking for you.

Me: Why?

Him: Because you were hiding from me?

Mr: Why would I hide from you?

Him: Because that is what you do when we go grocery shopping.

Me: What? I don't hide from you, I'm just grocery shopping.

Him: Oh really? Then why couldn't I find you?

Me: Um, duh, because you were in the dog food aisle and we don't need dog food?

He takes the cart continuing into the Beer Cave, I wait with him as he compares the craft beer against his PBR.

Dang! This is ten dollars more than my PBR!

Then I remember:

"I forgot to get cheese."

Repeat scenario above.

This time he sees me with the cart at the other end of the store and decides maybe if he embarrasses me about hiding behind the dog food while he shops I won't do it anymore.

Him, shouting from one end of the store to the other, "There you are! Where are you hiding now?"

I look at him, oh, two can play at this game, so I shout across the store:

"Getting your jock itch cream!

Muwahahahaha!

Guess I better make sure the will is up to date before I move onto Covert Operation C!

WTF - My Covert Operation

My husband thinks I have some type of covert operation on him, that I am trying to drive him crazy

One day at a time.

He is convinced I'm hiding

things from him. We have this wonderful conversation looking for things:

Him: Did you put away my whatchamacallit?

Me: Why would I put away your whatchamacallit? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit.

Him: But my whatchamacallit isn't where I usually put it.

Me: Did you put it somewhere else?

Him: Why would I put it somewhere else?

Me: Because you needed it there?

Him: I only need it where I usually put it and it is not there.

Me: So where is it?

Him: That's what I am asking you?

Rinse, Repeat entire conversation from the beginning.

Usually after we spend 15 minutes following each other around the house.

Him: There it is, why is my Whatchamacallit there?

Me: I don't know, did you put it there?

Him: Why would I put it there?

Me: Because that's where it is, right?

Him: You moved it, didn't you?

Me: Why would I move it? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit. Put it where you can find it the next time.

-------------------------------------------------15 minutes later----------------------------------------

Him: Have you seen my Doohickey?

Me: Isn't it over there where you usually put it?

Muwahahahah!

So far, my evil plan is working.

WTF - But Officer!!

WTF - But Officer!

As many of you dear readers know, I moved to a very small town (total of 350 full time residents during off seasons) and no, it was not to avoid federal custody capture, but to slow down when it came to life.

Well, that didn't work.

Just ask the nice police officer who pulled me over this morning.

Right in the middle of the parkway, where all 349 people can see my white mini cooper with the blue lights flashing behind it.

Did I mention I received 10 text messages from friends within 5 minutes of getting pulled.
"Oh Kel got hit by the PoPo!"
"Do you need bail money?"
"What did you do now?"
"I heard there are a lot of cute girls in jail nowadays."
"Show him your boobs."

I love my friends.

So I thought about possibly showing my boobs to get out of the ticket, but the only people interested in those now a days is National Geographic.

The officer walks up to my car, I fluff my hair, turn off the radio (because I am respectful, "I like big butts" shouldn't be playing while I negotiate with the officer) commence looking for the necessary items (license - not fishing but driving - registration)

"Good morning Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"  Why do they always ask you that? Of course not, because I'd hit the brakes as soon as I saw your cop car because I knew I was speeding.

"Uh no, I'm sorry. I was running late to a workout class." I'm thinking, that's probably the lamest excuse from a sober person he's ever heard.

"35 MPH in a 25 MPH zone, and you went left of the line."

"Well shit, that fast?" I did hit the brakes when I saw him, how could I still be going that fast? Then I realize cussing probably is not going to help my case, maybe I should go down the boob road. But how do you get a sports bra off gracefully? Not a chance in hell.

***Of course, I'm thinking there's no one else out here, all the 349 people are either still in bed or off the mountain.

"I'm going to go run your plates." Why does this make me nervous? I'm not in Fast and Furious (well maybe in the speed department) My car is up to date, why does that line make me feel like an outlaw?

So what do I do? I snapchat a few pictures back to my friends saying:
"Cute cop, may have to show the boobs.
"Will orange look good on me?"
"Can you bring me your license, he doesn't believe the age on mine."

He comes walking back with a pad, well crap.

"I'm going to write you a warning today. I'd hate to hit a deer going that fast in your car."

A warning? I slowly lower my shirt. How did I get so lucky. I text my friends a picture of the warning.

"He said I was nice and polite and only gave me a warning," I text my friends.

"Obviously you didn't show him your boobs." One replied.

Thanks a lot.

WTF - Writing, I am your mistress....

Dear Writing:

I did you yesterday.

I did you again yesterday afternoon.

I did you while my children were watching Spongebob.

I even snuck out of bed last night and did you again.

You have no idea how much I want to do you.

You tease me when I am not in the mood, make me do you anyway.

You ask me to whip it out at the most inappropriate times of the day!

Why are you not satisfied? You're always telling me to insert this here, add some stimulation there. And then you make me feel bad because I'm just not in the mood. Well if you are limp, then it is really hard to get in the mood, you know? Sometimes you tell me I suck, and then you laugh.

When I try really hard, you won't come with me. When I try to walk away, you beg me to stay. You're always on my mind. I think of you when I'm alone. I fantasize about you when I'm supposed to do yoga? You haunt my dreams, whispering, "You need more excitement, try this." When I do, you ignore me, make me beg for more.  When I'm quiet, all I hear is, "Why just sit there when you can do me?" Why can't we be just be together, no strings attached? 

I never hear any encouragement from you, not even a "job well done" or "that was perfect, do it that way again" all I hear is your silence. Then you say, "I want more, do it again." You never hear me when I tell you my needs, not realizing everything I sacrifice to please you.  You mock me as I beg for more.

Is there no end to this relationship? Will we forever be trying? How can I make you happy?

You just demand more and more from me, begging me not to stop.

I like it.

I guess it's time to do you again.

WTF Spring Cleaning

The snow has melted, now I am confronted by the disaster of my house. You see, when the snow is on the ground there's always, "Let's go out for a few runs, I can clean up later."

Spring is here.

-----Insert sobs of despair right here.

Disclaimer: They are sobs not that ski season has ended, but now I actually HAVE TO CLEAN!

This year though, I am motivated. I started with telling the boys that they had to clutter clean their rooms. They look at me like, "What?" I say, "Go through your drawers and pull out anything you do not wear, our house is too small to hold onto anything."  (except my books and office supplies)

"Make three piles, the NOT SURE, CHARITY, and TRASH IT pile."

I come back downstairs, and there are three piles, larger than me in the middle of the downstairs floor.

Where did it all come from? Their rooms aren't big enough to hold that much shit.

What the hell am I going to do with it?

I ponder tossing a match into all three, not asking which is which and walking away.

Then I think, "I could leave the front door unlocked, posting a 'Rob Me' sign on the front door" adding, the piles are downstairs, oh, and take that pair of jeans that don't fit but I keep in case one day they finally will. Upstairs dresser, 3rd drawer down right hand side."

But we live on a pretty deserted road and I'm too lazy to post "Rob Me" adds on Craigslist, so I need better options:

Ditch the house, move out in the middle of the night? Wake up in a new town in a clean house alone?

Naw, ditch the house, move out making sure I take my box of wine under one arm and the dog under the other?

I could start in a new town, one that still has snow and is extending their season?

For some reason, I think I would miss them, there has to be another way.

Wait! I could sign us up for Hoarders, then someone else will clean my house and PAY ME to do it!  Why didn't I think of this earlier?

Sadly, we don't quality for Hoarders, I even showed them under my teenager's bed and they still turned me down!

My boys try that teenager reverse psychology on me, "You are the only on seeing this as a mess, look at it as art."

What?

I look at my wine box, thinking I could be part of the problem. I could drink a couple glasses of wine and miraculously, the piles of clothes would turn into leaf piles and we'd all have fun jumping into them?

Naw, I can't have my eyes removed, I lost my rose colored glasses, they are piles of stuff that need to go.

So I try a different approach on them,

"Listen, I think it is time to throw out everything that doesn't bring me joy." They look at me funny, I add,

"these massive piles of clothes, the three boxes of protein bars I will not eat, that bottle of Fireball,

Oh and maybe the Xbox and

TWO BOYS."

You'd be amazed at how quickly those piles of clothes disappeared.

But, wait, I have boys.

Where did they put them?

Oh look there's three massive piles of clothes hidden in the corner of the garage.

Here we go again.

WTF - Adult Coloring Books

So a few friends have told me I am WAY BEHIND on the new Adult Coloring Book phase.

"I can't believe you haven't gotten one! It is so relaxing, I can feel the stress melting away."

Me? Well, I find the same thing in my good ole glass of wine and it doesn't require the amount of energy.

"But it gives you hands something to do."

But I thought you didn't go blind from, well, never mind.......

"Think about the beautiful art you're creating, it is good for your mind."

Honey, I live in my mind all day long, I won't mention the crazy shit rolling around in there, the last thing I need is to be more creative.

"You just sit with the crayons, or markers or pencils and color!"

Sure, that sounds like your house, you don't have kids. Once I open those "special" markers someone is going to steal them, while another writes "Deez Nuts" in the middle of my Mandala.

"Think of it like meditation, like yoga Savanna."

Sure, the perfect time of my day when I go through my grocery list or wonder why Justin Bieber wouldn't get back with Selena.

Then before I can properly fight the trend, someone gives me a box of pencils and a "Bull Shit Coloring Book."

Oh.

I never realized how much fun it was to color that beautiful, "F*ck You" page.

Oh, did I mention there are cute kitten pages?

Yes, I feel the stress melting away.

This is perfect. I'm just getting started on this one.

In case you need your own curse word coloring book for your mental stimulation, you can order it right here.

http://www.amazon.com/Sweary-Coloring-Book-Colouring-Kittens/dp/1522918485

Oh and F*ck you, I'm drinking my glass of wine while coloring.

WTF - Websites for a Rainy Day

So it is a rainy start to Spring Break, I thought I would share wonderful ways to waste your time while waiting for the sun to peak out!

Start in Facebook, especially now that it starts videos as you scroll by, immediately sucking you in!

From there, move over to the right hand side of your computer screen -

Trending Topics - the perfect time suck!  Sure, you'll feel the guilt of clicking on the Blake Shelton/Gwen baby rumors but relax, you are worth it. Your time is your own, read what you will!

Once you've bored yourself there, here's some other fun websites:

Panoramic Fails. Some of these may haunt your dreams but many are pretty cool!!

Great gifts and gadgets!  Click Here  Did you know they have Hillary Clinton Nutcrackers?

This another favorite - SuperCook!  You check off the items in your home and it suggests recipes!

I love Buzzfeed.com - especially when it is a hot topic. Don't waste time reading the articles, just go directly to the comments!  They are crazy!  So much fun to read!

Here's a great one after reading a particularly refreshing article on how to prevent Boob Sag!

Need your daily dose of cuteness?  Here's BabyAnimalCams.com!

The WayBackMachine.com shows you how websites USED to look, it's pretty fun looking around in the stone age, like 5 years ago!

Of course, my son had to show me his Time Suck website

https://procatinator.com

And of course - The pointer website. Wherever you move your pointer, the website shows a picture with a person pointing to your pointer!

So there is your rainy day fun on a day off, the sun just came out here, so it's off to hike in the sunshine!

WTF - Dog vs. Children

There are some mornings I actually like my dog more than my kids, not this morning - the kids won. Then I realized my kids and dog have a lot in common:

They are alike in that:

They lie around a lot, in the same position. Then they get up, stretch and lie down in a new position.

They leave shit on the floor, expecting me to clean it up.


They eat anything that comes out of a can.

They sleep a lot. I mean A LOT!

They depend on me to take them anywhere.

They are not in common when:

My dog is happy to see me, my teenager - not so much. Especially when I am early to carpool and he's talking to a girl.

My dog eats the same thing every day and doesn't complain. 

My dog listens to me the first time, wait a minute, scratch that neither listen to me.

My dog doesn't whine, my kids are masters at it.

My dog can be bribed to do anything with small amounts of food.

Then my kids win:

I still have to periodically clean shit off my dog's butt, thank god my children grew out of this.

I've never had to chase my child down the street whistling.

I've never had to cut cockleburs out of a child's hair while holding them down.

My children know that skunks spray.

My kids don't lick their butt.

My dog still takes a dump on the floor.

My kids don't eat dead stuff then come inside and puke it on the only carpeted place in the house.

My kids are easier to bathe.

I guess I've lived both worlds, having the kids, then as they demanded, getting the dog. Honestly I wouldn't live without either one.

Oh, there's a mess I need to clean up.

WTF - Why I can't LIKE you any more

With all the changes to Facebook recently, I've realized that it is in bad taste to like anyone anymore.

My biggest reason I am boycotting liking everything is offending my friends. With the new reaction buttons on the New Facebook, it has made liking anything HARD!

Before it was difficult to LIKE it when someone dies, but now the SAD option seems more appropriate, don't you think?

What post is worthy of a LOVE? When do you fall out of LIKE and move into LOVE?

Can you LOVE and LIKE a post at the same time?

Can you LOVE a post because it made you go WOW?

Once I use LOVE, how can I go back to LIKE? There is no going back on LOVE, maybe a side journey over to WOW?

Of course, I accidentally WOWed a post from a elementary school classmate I've been stalking for the past year, how embarrassing.

If I react with HA HA would I offend the person posting. What if I am the only one thinking it was funny? Then everyone reacts to my HAHA with a ANGRY?

A friend just recently lost a bunch of weight and on her pictures I was stuck, I could LOVE this, or I could say WOW but it definitely didn't warrant a HA HA. Would she rather I WOW or LOVE or just move back to LIKE? What would make her happy?

Then you have the SAD and ANGRY buttons, I think this gives too much fodder to those Debbie Downers out there. We all have that one person who will react to everything as SAD, because she's well, just SAD.

So like everyone else, I'm posting on Facebook and wondering why I get so many LIKES but never any LOVE? I'm not feeling the LOVE over here in my corner of the universe.

My last post didn't even get a LOVE? I mean people, it was pretty freaking hilarious, can you at least HAHA or WOW and if you feel really connected to me, give me a LOVE?

I'm going to post that with a -feeling Emotional face and see if I can garner any LOVE maybe a WOW or if I get really desperate

a LIKE.

WTF - I am a Rockstar - I just didn't know it!

I never realized as a Mom, I lived the life of a rockstar!  And you do to!!  Here's a glimpse into my Rockstar days!

Daily, someone throws underwear at me.

I do the same thing, day after day, week after week.

I am on an endless road trip with a car stuffed full of people.

My name is always screamed, over and over and over.

Someone is always flicking a lighter around me.

I am always finding other peoples clothes littering my floor, along with a pair of underwear.

I am never alone. Even in the toilet.

My day is spent constantly screaming.

There is always a new instrument in my house.

The room is trashed within 5 minutes of walking through the door. And of course there is underwear on the floor.

There's always someone in my entourage insisting no Green Skittles, or "Why didn't you get the Moon Pies like I asked?"

Sometimes I can lose a good portion of my day.

There is always a surprise in my bed every morning.

Weekend nights are spent figuring out how to entertain room full of crazy kids, usually shouting my name!

Someone is always pulling at my clothes.

My day ends with alcohol, messy hair and exhaustion.

There is always some point in my day where I stop, asking myself, "Am I tripping?  Did I really just see that?"

WTF - Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss - Do you like the snow?

I am Kel
Kel, Oh well.

That Kel, That Kel
She think's she's swell
That Kel, That Kel
The stories she tells

Would you like some more snow?
Soft and fluffy and off we go?

I do not want any more snow,
I do not want it now you know.

Would you like to take a ride?
Down the hill on skis we glide?

I told you once, I don't want to ride.
This cold weather makes me hide.
And no I don't want more snow.
I do not want it, now you know.

Would you could you hit the rink?
Ice skate around, don't you think?

No, no, I don't want to ride.
Downhill on skis that slide.
I do not, will not hit the rink.
No thanks to ice skating, it just stinks.
And no, no, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Perhaps, a good wintery slope,
It is a perfect day, one could hope?

There is no hope, not even a slope.
It's too cold outside you dope!
I do not want to ride,
I do not want to go outside.
I do not want to hit the rink,
Open that door and I'll cause a stink.
You didn't hear me, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Would you, could you think of tubing?
A fun winter sport of choosing?

Take a tube on a cold winter day? 
Leave me be, please, I pray.
I will not ride down a slope,
I will not ride, you dope!
I will not ski, don't you see?
It's too cold outside for me!
I don't want to fall in a rink,
Hit the ice? now way, I think.
I do not want to go out in the snow!
I do not, do not, now you know.

You do not like snow,
So you say,
Try it, try it,
And you may.
Open the door, take a small step outside,
Try it, try it, to say you tried.

Oh Kel, if you'll let me be,
I'll step outside and see.
I'll try the snow, 
I'll try it for you.
I will not like it like you do.

Wait!
It's so pretty, I like the snow!
I like it, I like it! Now I know!
I will go ski on this pretty day.
I'll ride the lift to the top, I say!
I will hit the rink for a turn or two.
I'll even take a break with a brew.
Maybe after that beer in a tube I'll ride,
I'll do it all and stay outside.


I do like the fluffy snow!
I do like it, 
now I know!




  

WTF - Facebook you Changed!!

Facebook has unveiled their new emoticons  for "reacting" to posts.  Many commenting that they are glad there is a "love" button, others saying they haven't gone far enough.

My emotional status has changed with the addition of these emoticons.  It used to be easy.

I look at a post on Facebook, I think about the profound words spoken,

"I like this," I say as I click the button.

I look at a political post on Facebook, I think about the profound words written and I simply scroll by because it is either, too long, not my view point, or I have no idea what the author is talking about.

Many of my friends know that I do not comment on much stuff, because when I "like" it then people know that I am actually on Facebook.

Now, the plot thickens, and decisions get difficult:

I look at a post and have a full conversation with myself"

"So, do I like or do I love this post.  If I love this post then it puts it above other posts, how would those people feel about all those posts that I simply liked.

Should I post an explanation that now I can LOVE posts instead of just LIKING them, that way anything done earlier than today is different?

Would I offend someone if I WOW instead of LOVE the post? What if they come back and ban be after not loving their post.

What if I react to something as HA HA, would they think I am laughing at them instead of laughing at what they post? Maybe if I go back and LOVE the post then the HA HA I originally put in would wear off?

Life was simple when there was a LIKE button. You either liked something or didn't. Now with all the crazy people on the Crackbook, there is so much more behind the different emoticons for reacting to post.

Things like:

Why did she only LIKE my post.  Didn't she see how hilarious this is, that I should have a WOW button on this one or better yet a LOVE button?

Oh my God, she LOVED my post, can't she see that I am mourning a lost boyfriend?  Who could LOVE this?

Why did she say WOW with my weight loss?  Is it a WOW because I look good or a WOW, it doesn't look like you lost anything at all. I'm going over and DISLIKING everything she's posted.

Why did that girl LOVE what my boyfriend posted?  Are they an item?

See it is great that you can now "react" more to Facebook posts, but we can't put Pandora back in the box now that it is open, now can we?

Of course they missed the most important Facebook Emoticons:

NOPE

WHHHAAAATTTTT?

CAN OF WHOOPASS

MEH

AWW, HELLO NO

Oh and the important one:

NOONE CARES.