WTF - Closing the book on 2015, hello 2016

All kinds of advice is floating around the stratosphere on the New Year. Can you do 2016 sit ups in 2016, 2016 miles 2016, 2016 stairs in 2016?  The gyms fill up for a month, maybe two, then things settle back into their usual routines, while all of us wait patiently for the new memberships to lapse still doing what we did in 2015. This year, I'm compiling a list of "Don't s" that I plan on doing for the new year.

Simple but effective:

1.  I will not let others define who I am, I take that job personally. Pleasing others has become as 2015 as the clicker remote control. We are on different journeys in life, I'm happy with mine and ready to move forward.

2.  I will not let go of my peace.  Too many things daily try to intrude on your peace, TV's, Internet, Teenagers, Dog poop. If it is in my control to ignore it (except the dog poop) I'm letting that shit go and move on with my life.

3.  I will not be quiet.  If you don't understand me, don't agree with me, don't like me, the world is a big place, take up residence elsewhere.

4.  I will not take things to heart. It's too easy to let criticism dampen what you are doing. Sure it hurts, but like everything else coming your way, there's a lesson in there, learn it and move on.

5.  I will not quit. Harper Lee got her publishing contract at 60. Lord, please let it not be 60, I'm planning on this year.

6.  I will not get sucked into drama. If you don't like something, move on. If I don't like something, I'll move on. Seems pretty simple, remember, once you stop and open your mouth nothing is helping you put the words back in.

7.  I will not be still.  I am in charge of my happiness, therefore I know what makes me happy. If I want to do it, I'm going to do it.  It's too each getting caught up in taking care of everyone ignoring yourself. I'm adding myself to my list.  Maybe even moving my name up a few notches.

8. I will not lie. If you are beautiful and I tell you, then believe it. If you need a helping hand and I offer, the offer is real. If I bring you close, let's be friends.

9.  I will not take the low road. I believe in peace and positivity, I choose the path of light. I choose reasons to be grateful, not reasons to complain.

10.  I will not hide.  I am not afraid to be amazing and will not hide. So come along on a beautiful 2016 ride.

Ready to hit the gym?

Edwards of Beech Mountain

I was lucky enough to be invited to the Grand Opening of Edwards Fine Dining located next to Fast Eddies on Beech Mountain.  The concept of Edwards is to provide a set menu, fine dining experience with wine pairing as a new addition to the restaurants of Beech Mountain. Our party of 3 reserved the 6pm seating.



Edwards is located next to Famous Fast Eddie's on Beech Mountain Parkway. You immediately know you are entering fine dining walking through the door of Edwards. Handmade wooden tables, with comfortable chairs provide seating for 20 people with a cozy lounge of chairs and fireplace in the back of the space provide the perfect waiting space if you decide on a few extra minutes before your seating, which we did. The lights were low, candles and lamps made things comfortable as jazz played on the speakers.

Edwards gives you the option of two entree items each weekend, with shared appetizers, a salad and shared desserts. Our options were Chilean Sea Bass or Filet of Beef. We ordered two sea basses and one filet, wanting to taste both items. Our table was set with copper water mugs, wine glasses, rolls in a basket, butter, folded napkins. The wine pairing for tonights meal was either a Pinot Grigio or a Malbec, Kevin and Christine went for the white, I went for the red to start.  We sat in front of the fire for a few minutes relaxing before going to our table.

The salad was mixed greens with two choices of dressings, a raspberry vinaigrette or ranch, everything fresh.  Our appetizer was served family style, spring rolls, fried shrimp, and crabmeat stuffed mushrooms.  My favorite out of the appetizers was the mushrooms, as you can never hold me back when it comes to mushrooms.  I liked that the appetizers were served family style, so if one didn't want something, they could always trade taking what they wanted from the appetizer plate.

My dinner was filet of beef, topped with a blue cheese mushroom sauce, loaded mashed potatoes, and a mixed vegetable medley.  The filet was cooked the way I liked it, medium rare, the mashed potatoes hot, the vegetables good. The sauce on the filet added very well to the taste, hearty blue cheese with mushrooms against the tender beef. I was glad they offered to go bags because after the salad and appetizers, I couldn't finish the beef, saving it for my children at home.  Kevin and Christine remarked the sea bass was delicious, it came out steaming with the same loaded mash potatoes and vegetable medley.  All three of us tried both wines, the pairing going nicely with each entree, being a red wine drinker I enjoyed the Malbec, it wasn't overpowering and complimented my meal.

Finally, dessert came out family style, covering all the bases.  Chocolate cake along with small pastries for the chocolate lovers, then smaller pieces of fresh cheesecake for the rest of us, the cut strawberries were ripe and delicious.

I would recommend Edwards for a special dinner, with the price of $65 per person, plus the tip, for 4 courses and a wine pairing. I will definitely be going back again.  Thanks Eddie, I mean Edward for another fine addition to the mountain.

WTF - My iWatch Activity

Got a cool new gift this Christmas, the small version of the iWatch.  Basically, it connects to my phone and lets me use stuff on my phone on my wrist.

Setting up the watch, I found the Activity App, or what I call the Health Nazi. It asked me questions I'd only tell to my therapist.

How old are you?  There is no option for "Old enough to know better" or maybe, "21 plus change" I wondered what it would do if I lied telling it how I feel, a strong solid 35 years old.

What is your weight? Why does it need to know this, who is gathering this information in cyberspace laughing as I put in my goal weight, then not allowing me to save?

Are you male or female?  Well that was an easy one.

Now how do I hide that information from everyone else?

My watch beeped.

Stand notification. "Time to Stand and Move Around for One Minute"

What?

Going back to the directions, Stand Notification remind me I haven't physically moved in an hour.

I look at the watch.  "Stand? But it's Christmas Day, there's egg nog in my hand."

I finally figured out if I stand up and run in place for 60 seconds, I can fool the watch relaxing for another hour on the couch with my Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Another beep from the watch.

Move Notifications.  First it wants me to stand, now it wants me to move.

I AM moving. I got up and walked from the couch to the kitchen then back to the couch again. The mess the kids made in the kitchen got my heart rate up effectively telling the watch I moved.  The mess the kids made effectively burned 147.6 calories.

Finally, the Exercise Ring - reminding me to exercise daily. Exercise to my watch means a step up from walking up the steps.  I read as you wear the watch, it learns from your movements, so my early Christmas Morning wake up call counted for something, I think. It says I burned a few calories.

So it tells me when to move, watch what I eat, and get off my ass.  I'm not sure this is a positive relationship in my life, and that thought process burned a few calories.

Wait, what's this? Count the amount of alcohol you consume?

Things have gone too far.

WTF - Merry Christmas Style

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the slope

Not a snowflake was falling, not even a hope.

The boards and the skis sat by the door with care,

In hopes that maybe cold weather would soon be here.

The children sat at the table waiting to be fed,

While visions of snow danced in their heads

And Jeff with a knife, my wine in hand,

 Had just settled down for the Christmas eve feast we planned.

When outside the house there arose such a clatter,

Jeff jumped from the table to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,

Pushing aside Trina and Scott with a crash.

The moon on the wet grass, how it shone,

Puddles flooding the yard made him groan.

When what to his wondering eyes did appear,

A sight that made him drop his beer.

A kayak being pulled by eight flapping ducks,

Jeff knew it was St. Nick, he was in luck.

More rapid than fish, did they paddle in time,

St, Nick called, each with a name that rhymed,

“Now Puddle! now, Raindrop! now Deluge and Monsoon,

On, Thunder, on, Lightening! on, Cloudburst, give Drencher some room.

To the top of slope, to the top of it all,

Paddle away, paddle away, paddle away all!

The waves how they rippled, the ducks how they swam,

Across the lake in our yard, into the house with a wham.

Those birds, Up to the house top they flew,

With a kayak full of wet stuff, and St. Nick too-

And then, in a twinkling, we heard above us,

Some ducks a quacking, making such a fuss. 

Kevin stood from the table, turning around,

Down the Chimney came St. Nicholas with a bound.

He was dressed in a bucket hat, rain washed away the soot,

His clothes, soaked with mud, water in his boots.

A bundle of umbrellas he had flung on his back,

Looking like a peddler, above we heard a quack.

His hat was so wet, his clothes how they dripped,

His cheeks were like roses, in his puddle Wes slipped.

His droll little mouth, was drawn up like a bow,

The beard on his chin, it dripped on Erin’s head below.

The stump of a pipe sat there, he could not smoke,

Every match Tammy tried was totally soaked.

He had a broad face, a bright red rain coat around his belly,

Max squinting his face, that old raincoat was quite smelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

Splattering us with water as he shook his wet self.

A little bit of water, it didn’t bother us,

Christine wondering, ‘Why all the fuss?’

He spoke not word, handing each an umbrella, shiny and new,

Outside more rain fell, the wind how it blew,

He gave Seth a raincoat, Addy a rain hat,

Lilly a poncho, Thomas some plastic wrap.

Emma how she loved her goggles, Wolf in plastic pants,

Max held a tarp, Andrew a bucket for watering his plants.

Finally with a wink, and a splash,

Back up the chimney he went with a dash.

He sprang to his kayak, gave the ducks a smack,

Away they paddled, with a flap, a swish and a quack.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he swam out of sight!

Don’t worry the snow is coming, and to all a good night.

WTF - How My Elf is Lame

Everyone has that beautiful holiday tradition,  mine include drinking egg nog, making more egg nog, then wondering where all the egg nog went.

But I digress, everyone's now posting all their creative Elf on a Shelf pictures and I realized my Elf is lame.

First of all, we don't even have an Elf on a Shelf. I threw that hissy fit in the middle of the Barnes and Noble, "They want 25.95 for THAT? No way! I only have enough for a Gingerbread Spice Latte!"

So I figured we weren't elfing it, I mean I totally screwed up the Tooth Fairy, the first tooth falling out and all I had was a $20 bill in my wallet. I was taking out loans when both kids started losing teeth! Anything involving getting back up in the middle of the night, I wasn't doing it. I gave up getting up in the middle of the night when my kids did.

No way.  No how.

Then they guilted me into it. "Why don't we have an elf?" "Taylor's elf talks to Santa, no one talks to Santa about us? Why be good when no one tells Santa!" Insert two sad faces.

They had me there, why be good when there is no North Pole reporter? I had 25 days to Christmas including two weeks of school break, I didn't have enough egg nog if my kids decide they don't need to be good.  I had to come up with an "elf" plan.

I still wasn't buying the damn elf, so I made one up. "Hanz" started writing notes to my kids in the smallest handwriting possible. (Enter magnifying glass and book of santa jokes)  They had an elf, I had a way to actually make them behave during the two weeks off from school!!  They'd get out of control and I'd say, "HANZ!" watching them fall back in line.

But I can't be cute with an elf, I had to be lame. One blogger "Two Knitting Needles and 5 Beautiful Kids" shared pictures of her Elf pillow fight.

Her elf looked adorable sleeping in a tissue box with cotton balls for pillows.
I short sheeted their beds.

She shared pictures of a marshmallow fight, complete with a score board (a score board!).
I put green dye with glitter in the toilet telling them it was elf pee and poop.

She put candy under their pillow.
I put a real piece of Kingsford Coal.  (By the way, it's hard to get that shit out of sheets)
****that worked for a few days, they were actually good.

She shared that their elf mixed up their lunches, jumbling everything.
I put a panty liner in each lunch box.

She shared a picture of Elf by the Gingerbread house. decorating it while they sleep.
I put him on the liquor cabinet. (Both kids and hubby got a kick out of that.)

Her sweet little elf got married and had a baby.
I thought about having the talk with the kids about how you can't get married AND have a baby during the 30 days leading to Christmas but let that one go.
So, our elf adopted a stuffed mouse ornament from the tree.

So, there you have it. I may be lame but I think a bourbon drinking, note writing, trickster is much more fun than any other elf.

Now I've got to go and find that egg nog recipe again, we're still counting the days until Christmas.

Here's my Elf on a Shelf!

WTF - Getting Lost in Social Media - Not me!

Wow, what's up with all the drama parading around the internet. I mean who cares who Luke and Laura are (damn, have I dated myself there?) when you have plenty of social media buzz to keep you busy. I come to my social media for the funny videos and jokes, not the vitrol. In order to stay "friends" I'm coming clean with things I will not do:

I'm not clicking on the See More portion of any more posts, especially if they are religious or political in nature. Listen, we all know you are stating your own opinions, but if I'm bored after two sentences, I'm not reading any more.

I will not click "like if I agree. I may agree, I may not, but who's business is it anyway?

I will not comment or like anything of yours if you have over 2000 friends, because then I get notification after notification on your political comment.

I've stopped sharing bizarre stories. Sorry folks, the gold plated testicle story, the twerking with the guy in the coffin, to the sex toy that deposits alien eggs in your body, they are not REAL.  Seriously people, check if your story is real before demanding my attention.  At least the people living in the attic of Walmart was real.

Clicking on anything that takes me to those damn sites making you click through pictures along with pop up ads. You will be removed from the friends list if you share that black hole and I accidentally fall down it.

Like your picture on Facebook when I've already liked it on Instagram, takes too much time.

Take the quiz you shared on "What color represents my life?"

By the way, it is gold.

Sit and watch the video you shared of something yummy being made, I think all these videos are making me fat.

Let any of your religious or political posts change my mind. It may make you feel better to say it but it's not changing any minds.

So post things I want to see, pictures of your kids, your family.

Add in a good dose of funny stuff. Jokes, memes, things we all want to see.

Oh and all those cute bunny, kitten and hedgehog videos.  I'm definitely clicking on those.

Better yet, tell me something I want to know, like this.....thank you!

WTF - Gingerbread House Style

Every year, like childbirth, I forget how much I hate putting together the Gingerbread House. 

Here is the scenario in our home:

Buy the Gingerbread house kit because who has time to bake all those pieces.
Leave it on the floor.
The dog gets into it, nibbles the pieces.
Get pissed.

Go out and buy another Gingerbread Kit because it is a Christmas tradition dammit.
Put it on top of the refrigerator. Forget about it.
Three days before Christmas remember it is there.
Get pissed.

Invite a few friends because you need other Moms sharing the wine and the misery of putting together the house.

Open the box, everyone gets excited as all the candy pieces fall out. 
Some of the gumdrops seem a little stale.
Kids descend on the candy like locusts, eating what they can reach.
Get pissed, slap away little hands, pour a glass of wine.

Forgot you were supposed to make the icing and put the house together ahead of time.
Realize how much fun it is for 6 kids crowding around you as you try piecing the house together.
The house falls down.
Kids groan, reach for candy.
Get pissed, drink more wine.

Kids wreck the your home as you sweat getting the Gingerbread house to stand.
Finally the house stands, with great fanfare tell the kids they can decorate it.
There are 2 gum drops and only peppermints left, they ate the rest of the stuff. 
The kids fight over who gets the last two gumdrops.
One licks both of the gumdrops, effectively claiming them.
The other falls backwards on their chair.
The Gingerbread house falls down again.
Get pissed, open a second bottle of wine.

Pull out the candy you saved for their stockings.
Jerry-rig the pieces of the house together with staples, and toothpicks.
The kids have lost interest in decorating the house, they are now wrestling

Let the kids eat the rest of the icing, and the candy you pulled out.
Drink wine with your friends wondering why the kids are going crazy.

Finally feed the rest of the house to the dog, something you should have done in the first place.

WTF - Laundry Edition

I always quote Robert Frost during Laundry Day:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

Mine is a little different, I smile and say:

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

I realized there are two different versions to doing the laundry.

Mom's Guide to Laundry:

Put the Vics Petroleum Jelly under your nose to cut the smell.

Go into each room picking up all the clothes off the floor.

One damp because the dog though, well if it is there then I must pee on it.

Separate everything out into Whites, Colors and Darks.

Wash Whites on Hot, with a cup of bleach.

Wash colors on Warm.

Wash Darks on Cold.

Pull each piece from the washing machine, fluff before putting in the dryer, this helps them dry quicker.

Pull everything out, getting pissed off that every single T-shirt is inside out.

Fold all the clothes.

Set them on beds for your angelic children to put away.

Easy right?

Kids Guide To Laundry.

Make sure everything is inside out. 

You underwear belongs still attached to your pants which are inside out.

Socks must be in tight balls, with several still snuggling under the covers of your bed.

Stuff as much as you can into the washer.  Hot? Cold? Warm? They are all clothes!!

Do not empty pockets, wash two chap sticks, one pack of Kleenex and a Jolly Rancher Candy.

Don't check anything coming out of the wash, pull it all in one big lump and stuff in the dryer.

Turn the dryer on the hottest setting because this will dry the clothes faster.

Pull everything out of the dryer.

Throw on your bed.

Wonder why you have oil stains on your jeans until you find empty Chapstick containers.

Move everything to the floor when you go to bed.

Figure if it is on the floor, then it's dirty.

Rinse, repeat.

Of course, for those Frost lovers, here's my version of the entire poem:

Whose clothes are these I think I know.   

I bought at Recess a week ago;   

They do not wear them, instead   

Drop them to the floor, beside the bed.   

As a Mom, I must think it queer   

Finding clothes on the floor when a hamper is near   

Between the bed and closet door   

That extra step must be a chore.   

Picking up a shirt, I give it a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

I swear I just laundered this piece a day ago   

I never saw a child wear it tho.   

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

Typical Melang Language

We, the Melangs have a language all our own. I thought I would share a few words with you.

Procaffinator - usually Mom, who procrastinates until that second cup of coffee finishing with a, "Oh shit!  We have ten minutes."

Goredom - that moment when you realize you've watched too many Walking Dead episodes and can still hear zombies after the television is off----looks over my shoulder.

Rerunuitis - watching  Criminal Minds episode until halfway through realizing you've seen this one before.

Reruneron - continuing watching that Criminal Minds because even thought you've seen it before you cannot remember the ending.

Ohyeahathon - finally getting to the end of that Criminal Minds and just as the climax comes, you remember the ending. Watching another episode of the show and the same thing happens again.

Suggestivitis - That fear that you may actually find out that your mother knows more than you do.

Expritius - a unknown fear of expiration dates on food, usually hitting children between the ages of 9-? where they cannot touch anything in the refrigerator that is two to four days from the expiration.

OJacardia - fear that the universe will implode if you consume the last drop of milk or OJ or any other liquid. Usually followed by Shelfopoly - putting the carton back on the shelf with that ominous last drop inside.

Ridiculitis  - the malady where a parent cannot stop laughing after a child gives explanation for current grades, usually followed by Severe Room Indenture - a childhood malady involving pale skin, non focusing pupils due to too much time spent in their room.

Teenager's Ear - this malady is usually accompanied by Fluttering Eyelid Syndrome when a parent asks them if they did all their chores.

Smeizure  - uncontrolled movement of arms, rolling of eyes, gnashing of teeth with possible loss of equilibrium the first five minutes after a parent takes a child's Smart Phone.

Gravity Assisted Stupidicus  - a child coming into the home, breathing heavy a large knot on their head staring with, "You are not going to believe this."

Incidentaloma - the brother coming in with Gravity Assisted Stupidicus causing failure to tell the whereabouts of his brother.

Life Receptical - the holding place of all things valuable - food, clothing, dishes, backpacks, sometimes called The Floor.

Fridgehole - the back part of the refrigerator holding your science experiments of the past 5 years, including the possible sister cell to Penicillin.

WTF - What a BEAUTIFUL Idea

So a friend send me this wonderful idea I thought I would share with you, and how my wicked twisted sense of humor took it.

It's called an Inspiration Jar - cue the whimsical music right here - where you fill a jar with beautiful writing prompts and each day (really? each day, are you kidding me? I'm lucky if I get a shower each day) you take out a prompt for meditation and journal writing.

OK, this does sound like fun, I have no problem creating the beautiful jar, then came the part of beautiful prompts.  Where does my mind go? You guessed it, right in the gutter, here's a few of my questions:

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why does my crap stink sometimes and other times it does, but my husbands stinks ALL THE TIME?

Why can't I tickle myself, and why do I want to?

What good does it do putting the empty box of Orange Juice back in the refrigerator?

Why does Google become a sick pervert when you use the letter U for a question rather than individual?  Seriously, try it!

Why is it when I get lost in any city, I always find the druggie neighborhood? Even with GPS?

What sicko created those 100 calorie packs of Oreos. A, they are not Oreos, and B, two cookies is not an acceptable number.

Why would a person every say they are a pathological liar? Aren't they lying?

Why can't I find anything anymore, I've moved into the "constant looking" phase of my life?

Do they ever have mattresses NOT on sale?

Why hasn't a psychic ever won the lottery?  Just saying.

Someone is messing with the sizing on clothes recently, haven't they?

They make bullet proof clothing, but I've never seen bullet proof pants?

The same doctor that delivered both of my children, leaves the room for me to undress into a gown that exposes everything anyway, why?

How do you know when sour cream is bad?

And finally, the one that really gets me.

My Grape Nuts has NO nuts, not a single one in it.

So go out there and create your beautiful writing prompt jar, or do what I do, clean out a Ketchup bottle and put it in there, because I never need a prompt, I look at the bottle thinking, "What is the different between Ketchup and FANCY Ketchup? It does get the creative juices flowing!

Honey, obviously they are your kids

There are certain times I quietly back away saying, "Honey, they are all yours."

Because obviously they didn't get it from me.

The love affair with Napoleon Dynamite, Hot Rod and Nacho Libre. It is sad that I can quote lines from these movies, even copying the dance from Napoleon. But to be fair, they can also quote lines from Maleficent, Jaws and Lord of the Rings.

The poop and fart jokes:
I honestly don't care when someone says, "but." But apparently this is cause for outrageous hilarity when it comes to my children. They don't get that from me.

Those Dad Proud moments:
When you can burp and say a word, especially "Grilled Cheese Sandwich"
When you come running out of the bathroom saying, "You gotta see this!"

The ability to not control their thoughts in public. Like standing in line in the grocery store and some poor soul "passes gas."  It starts with them looking at me, I'm busy holding my breath pretending nothing is going on.
They don't let it go from there, then lean close, whispering, "DO YOU SMELL THAT? Someone just LET one!"
When I still don't acknowledge this, they start looking around at all the other people standing in line, rolling their eyes, with a look saying, "Don't you smell that?"
Finally dramatically holding their noses.
They DO NOT get that from me.

The "sounded like a good idea" moments.
Jumping over a pole and almost skimming off the skin of their balls.
Putting the ladder next to the trampoline so they get a bigger bounce.
Waiting behind the couch, to head lock your brother dragging him across the floor.
Sitting on your brother and farting.

Sitting and watching the romantic comedy, I sigh but they hem and haw over every kiss, or explaining how scientifically impossible it is to have explosions in space due to lack of oxygen.

Walking around in their underwear, then completely freaking out when I do it.

Yes, I gave them their good looks and smarts, they obviously got all of the above from you.

WTF-National Novel Writing Month, the creative process

November becomes a blur each year as I embark on writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Luckily I've won every year for five years.  The whole point of this process is writing so fast your inner editor cannot correct or make you second guess your work. Thought I would share a little bit of the creative process with you:

Prepping for Novel Writing is the most stressful part of this process. This year I had two ideas jostling in my brain for first dibs, both interesting ideas.

How did I get these ideas? Dreaming!  Isn't it crazy. I can dream an entire novel, or a scene that leaves me so breathless I have to structure something around it.  Both ideas came in a dream, me quickly writing them down in a journal beside the bed so I don't forget them. Once the ideas sets, the obsession starts, where I cannot stop thinking about them, so I start notebooks for each idea, further embellishing the idea.

I thought about writing two books in one month, but one idea backed down the other took hold. My goal is finishing the one book early and starting the next,  effectively writing two novels before the end of the year. Next time you see me, hold me to that promise.

Here's the hard part.  The ideas came to me beginning of October and since I am a purist, I could not write the first word of the story until Nov 1st.  That's not the easiest thing to do, because when an idea takes hold, everything in your system wants to flesh it out, you want to start writing. I keep the faith by writing notes about characters, possible scenes, anything keeping me from writing that first line.

It's always hard telling people my ideas for stories because when I talk about an idea it becomes real and sometimes sounds a lot weirder than what's going on in my head. It's hard to explain werwolves and stuff in a serious tone without people looking at you like you are crazy. Well, maybe I am crazy, but these people in my head are real to me.

Now that I got the first day out of the way and 4,000 words down, I'm feeling pretty good. Do I remember most of what I wrote? Not a thing.  Usually the good stuff I don't remember writing, that's when the brain takes over and I'm just the poor sap typing at the keyboard. It is fun going back and re-reading what I wrote because sometimes I'm like, "Damn, that's some pretty good shit."

So my story has notes, it has characters, specifically Ben, Toby, Jane, Chloe, and the tall stranger.  It now has a beginning, and as the month rolls along a middle and an end.  Maybe I'll take a nap to see if I can dream a little more of it.  Oh creativity, you are so fickle.

Good luck to other NANOers, here's to toasting 50K in words before the end of November!

Oh and what will I do with the other 5 novels I've written? I've edited two and need a proofer, one  is part of a series, I'm editing Novel #1. My other goal is to get my work out there and move into publishing some of this stuff.  That's another post at another time about courage and sharing your work!!

WTF -- Do not watch a movie with the hubby!

Note to self-do not watch any movie involving airplanes and helicopters with Jeff Melang​.

We watched San Andreas with The Rock

To me, I'm just looking to be entertained, great visual effects of San Francisco demolished, the Hoover Dam collapsing, and of course the best visual effect - The Rock or Dwayne Johnson.

My husband on the other hand, the man that always reminds me during every SCIFI movie that you cannot have explosions in space due to lack of oxygen, saw a different movie.  It did not help that the movie included a Dodge Caravan airplane, one that Jeff sells on a regular basis.

"What ! The Caravan does not sound like a piston engine when it starts."
"They should have already run out of fuel by now."
"That interior doesn't look right."

I ignored most of the comments he made until he totally lost it on one part:

"There is NO SUCH THING as a HOVER button on a helicopter!  I'm writing a letter."

He went on to research the helicopter, and talk about the "Hover" button for the rest of the movie.

I guess he was watching for all the mechanical parts of the movie for accuracy because he totally missed that the Rock had a completely lily white family.

How they survive explosions with blood all over their face, then are completely clean the next scene, we didn't even see the extra tub of Pampers wipes somewhere in the helicopter.

Or how their clothes could take so much abuse from explosions and fire and other parts of the disaster and stay in one piece?  I want Spankz made out of that material.

There is so many ways the Rock and his family get out of disaster after disaster that it almost didn't seem real but then I remembered....

It was the Rock, so of course it was real.

All in all a great entertaining movie, just do go into the details.

WTF - My Fall To-Do List vs. Reality

In case you haven't noticed, it's Fall Ya'll!  And in order for my family to have the proper fall experience, I've made my bucket list.  Insert long family sigh here, because I've now moved from the Summer Nazi to the Fall Nazi.

Create your bucket list of fall activities they say.

It will be fun, they say.

1.  Apple Picking and Cider -  skipping through the orchards as a family, holding hands commenting on the beautiful fall colors.

Reality - arguing to the orchard.  Someone getting stung by a bee because of all the rotten apples under the trees, the other moaning about the awful smell of rotten apples, arguing on the way home.

2.  Go on a hayride - beautiful fall day, singing Kumbaya riding together as a family.

Reality - sitting on hay bales remembering how stray pieces of hay actually can puncture through your pants to the Haunted Maze,  getting the shit scared out of me by some freaky clown, chased by dudes with chainsaws, sitting on the uncomfortable hayride back to your car.  Oh, and paying big bucks for the experience.

3.  Eat Pumpkin Pie - a touch of pumpkin pie to celebrate the season.

Reality - the whole pumpkin pie, 1,264 Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin blonde brownies, pumpkin gnocchi, oh and of course, pumpkin beer. Why are my jeans tight?

4. Go on a nature walk - ride the Blue Ridge Parkway getting the perfect Instagram picture of the leaves.

Reality - kids arguing in the car, no one wanting to walk UP the trail because that's work. The dog puking in the car from all the turns, finally doing it by myself taking a selfie for Instagram.

5.  Carve a Pumpkin. Find beautiful carving templates on Pinterest, buy special carving tools including a drill bit for detail, buy 4 pumpkins because you want to "theme" your carvings and each family member should carve their own pumpkin.

Reality - two pumpkins get stolen by the bears.  One falls off the porch smashing, the last is lucky getting two triangle eyes, one triangle nose, and some type of toothless mouth, delete Pinterest board you created because it makes you feel lame.

6. Wood burning fire with s'mores,  hot chocolate and good times.

Reality - 16 firestarters used creating the fires. One child almost setting the other on fire holding the flaming marshmallow to close to his hair.  No one likes burnt marshmallows.  Realizing I ate most of the chocolate that day so we are rationing the s'mores. Everyone complaining about the smoke of the fire, finally retiring inside because it is too cold.

7. Make Caramel Apples from Orchard Visit (see #1) bonding time in the kitchen melting caramel, picking out types of nuts making a sweet treat we sit around the table eating and talking.

Reality - Mom ate all the caramel.  Apples are better for you without candy on them.

Finally, that Thanksgiving month where you are supposed to post every day what you are thankful for, a lesson learning gratitude and that what you have is enough.

Reality - Running out of things to say after Day 10.

What's your Fall Bucket List?  Do things ever go as planned?

WTF - To Think I Used To Care.....

How do you know you've matured as a Mom?  Here's some good indications:

Your son walks by saying, "I can't remember the last time I showered." Rather than freaking out you think, "That's why there hasn't been so much laundry."

I now use my skill at changing dates on licenses in college to changing expiration dates on food in my fridge because we all know they are SELL BY dates, you still have at least 3 months after that.

I stopped buying anything white when my children were born. Because the process of bleaching and cleaning it much more complicated than throwing everything in together with two slabs of softener.

I don't think it is strange watching my son walk around the house with the Pepsi box on his head.  It is keeping him busy. Priorities.

I don't think it is creepy finding small smiling tooth boxes in my car with teeth still in them.  This is the staging area until I finally remember they are there and move them to another staging area in the house.

My Identa-Kid for both kids is from 2009.  Not because that is the only picture of them smiling, but that was the last time I remembered sending the money in on time.

I am very good at closing doors on problems.  Specifically both of my boys' rooms and their bathroom.  

I am convinced Lunchables are not just for Lunch any more.

When giving my son instructions, I must be precise.  "Unload the laundry from the washer into the dryer. Put the pile of crap in front of the washer in the washer.  ADD detergent (the blue bottle up top)  Close the doors.                           Oh, an TURN BOTH washer and dryer on."  (Paid for omitting that last instruction once)

I always keep a toothbrush, toothpaste and bottle of water in my car.  That's for me.  Are you kidding, I'd never let them touch that, you don't know where their teeth have been.

Finally, I am wondering if I should just throw away their baby books.  They can remember how happy and wonderful their childhood was, rather than noticing how lame their Mom was.......

But I kept everyone alive, that's an accomplishment?

Oh, who counts the errant plant!

WTF Cheers to us non Helicopter Moms

It is amazing how quickly you can go from front and center of Mom Central to the woman in the yoga pants, with the meth looking hairdo, throwing your kids out of the car in the carpool line screaming,

"Run you mothers!  RUUUUNNNNN!"

I do stop, picking up the crap including a few moldy Happy Meal toys they kicked out of the car sprinting for the closing door.  I'm not a litterer.

For some reason, I can make it to the school much quicker than the other Moms I talk to in the carpool line.  Or maybe they are politely telling me I am a terrible driver.

There are helicopter Moms, then there are Moms like me:

I'm that one finding out about the fundraiser, when my son comes home saying everyone got the little rubber ducky, or monkey, or polar bear or whatever it was but me.

I'm like.

"There was a fundraiser?  You never gave me the information?"

Of course the little shit, pulls the envelope out of the big pile of recycling in the pantry.

I read it over.

Oh please, there is no way all those other parents sold $216.27 dollars worth of shit for the little plastic animal necklace, let alone that kid actually collecting all 7!

They paid off the school.  How do I know? Because I was guilty enough one year doing it. I filled out the student fundraising sheet with a bunch of names and addresses, keeping all 16 tubs of cookie dough for myself. Did the school care?  Not one bit!  How did I know?  I put names like

Chris P. Bacon
Ima Burnbutts
Bob Roberts
Ura Johnson
Not a single family member because, hey, some are in the same school district, I could get outed by the chairman of the fundraising committee saying to my sister in law, "Did you enjoy the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie dough?"

The school expects that from us lame parents. But hey, they get their money, I gain about 15 pounds eating cookie dough raw (because that's what I do) and we are all happy.

Now, I'm on duty for the school dance, my son cheerfully explains to me. "You are a chaperone!"

Oh God.  A dance, wasn't he learning to walk yesterday? Putting the ruler between the boy and girl dancing? (Really, I grew up in Catholic School, your school didn't do this?)

When is the dance?  I ask.
I don't know, he replied. An apple not too far from the tree.

So I turn to Google.  Did you know the Halloween Dance at my son's school was on the 1st in 2012, and again on the 31st in 2013?  I can find every date except for 2015.  I'm trying really hard not being  that Mom.

"So, when is the school dance?" I write to the teacher.
"Did you not see the flyer, the dance RSVP was due two days ago." The teacher replies.
"Can I bribe you with some cookie dough to sneak him in?" I ask.

Luckily, I didn't procrastinate enough, the school replied they don't have a date yet.

Whew!  I'm one step ahead of the game.

Might as well celebrate with some cookie dough.

Disclaimer: Don't mention the cookie dough to my kids. They may realize some of it is expired and we still have 2 tubs to go.

WTF - Wellness Exam

The docs over at Grandfather Clinic did some type of bait and switch on me.  I planned my morning thinking the kiddos were getting a 15 minute flu shot.  (I know, many people say this doesn't help at all, but whatever)

We checked in, and the receptionist handed me a book resembling the Dictionary.

"Is this the Dictionary of Medical Terms?" I asked.
"No, it's the paperwork you have to fill out for their Wellness Exam." She replied looking at me like, "lady your joke isn't funny at all."

"I'll need each paper filled out for each child."  Goodbye Pisgah National Forest.

Finally, we sit with the doctor, he starts with, "We are doing a Wellness Exam, let's start with a few behavior questions OK?"  I'm thinking, "Uh oh, this could be the social services stuff nightmares are made of. I didn't school them on the we are five servings of fruits and vegetables, no sugar, vegan, gluten free range type of family."

The first question, "Do you feel sad sometimes?"  My son of course says, "Yes."  I'm thinking, don't say yes, they will think you have depression. Then I argue in my head, doesn't everyone feel sad sometimes?  Seriously, the answer should be yes.  I mean I never got my second cup of coffee this morning and I'm sad thinking about that. The doctor asks my son what he feels sad about, he simply says, "I don't know."

"I don't know?" Oh we are so going to fail this Wellness test.

"How about sitting still, do you have a problem with sitting still?" Really?  He's a boy, they all have problems with sitting still. My son is smart enough saying, "Not really. I do like running."  Good answer sweetie.

"Do you do after school activities?" They both shake their heads, don't they realize I'm a Mom Fail if they are not active? Wrong answer. The doctor rewords it, "Do you have friends?" I'm laughing thinking, real or imaginary? Both say yes, then look at me like, "what does after school activities have to do with friends?" I just shrug.

"Do you participate in Sports?" I'm beginning to think we are the lame family, as we are not answering any of these questions correctly. My son makes me feel better, asking, "Does snowboarding and mountain biking count?" Add a few points to the Melangs, we have this questionnaire down!

"How many sugary drinks do you drink a day?" He looks over to me, knowing if he answers correctly the doctor will tell him that is too much I'll be cutting back on the drinks. I see the wheels turning, his mind saying, "What is an appropriate amount of sugar drinks?" He looks at the doctor, "3, I think?" The doctor nods, good answer honey, we are halfway through the questionnaire.

"Are you a picky eater?" He asks, I immediately answer in my head, "not when it comes to different types of candy." My son looks over to me, "I like eating cereal." Great job, you didn't specify what type of cereal, he doesn't have to know it is Sugar Pops.

Then we move onto the easy ones, "How many bowel movements do you have?" My son looks at me, we've never called it a bowel movement, we poop. "Pretty much daily, he's pretty regular," I answer as my son's face turns red.

Luckily for us, I think we answered all the questions correctly because no one from Social Services was waiting at the entrance to the Pediatrician's office as we left. I ask the older son, "What did you answer on that test?"

He looks at me, "Mom, you saw the big CONFIDENTIAL on the folder right?"

So we eat our veggies, are sad sometimes, not in any after school sports, like to mountain bike and snowboard and poop on a regular basis.

Thank God that questionnaire was not for me!!

WTF - Pepe le Pew Part Deux

How long was the little bugger waiting in the backyard?

Did he know that I was on duty for carpool today?

Was he laughing as I let the dog out at 6 o'clock in the morning?

Because as I was working on packing lunches, a smell hit my nose.

Is that what I think it is?

Why is it so powerful?

It is that type of smell grabbing you by the throat, slapping you a few times , then heading off to do the same thing to your Momma.

"Where's the dog?" I yell down to kids. Silence makes me feel a real dread. I don't like dread at 615 in the morning.

Opening the door, the dog saunters in, lucky in that A, she is cute, and B, my nose is stopped up due to allergies.

Not to be.

That smell, the one that brings tears to your eyes.  Yes, she had that smell.

Shawnee found Pepe Le Pew in the yard coming back with that beautiful mountain perfume.

She was proud.  So proud of her smell that she decides us chasing her around the house is much more fun than chasing the skunk 15 minutes earlier, that maybe we are jealous of her smell, wanting to rub it off on us.

It is pandemonium chasing her through the house.  Downstairs, then back up stairs before pinning her in the kitchen.  She seems to find every piece of cloth in the house on her way, rubbing her skunkified body all over it. Bed, couch, bed, bed, shower curtain.

But we still had school, what to do?

Dog thrown in the garage, kids thrown in the car, lunch thrown in the boxes.  Out the door.

We pick up carpool and the first words out of the kid's mouth, "What is that smell?"

Pepe?  Did you follow us? I look around nervously. Then I realize it is me.

Funny after chasing the dog around the house, you get used to skunk smell, that for a second I'm thinking, "Well it doesn't smell THAT bad."

I drop everyone off at school marveling that I made it on time despite the obstacles in my way.  I'm heading back home when my phone beeps,

"Mom, they are calling me skunk boy at school. I smell like skunk."

Pepe, you got your revenge on the teenager, now didn't you?  What to do?  "I'll be right back to pick you up."

I take him home for a shower and change of clothes, figuring by the time I take him all the way back to school, I'd just take a nap in the parking lot before bringing him back home again.

He helps me with cleaning the house, his phone rings, he disappears, coming out a few minutes later.

"My girlfriend broke up with me."

I stop what I am doing because despite the perpetual smell in the house, this really stinks.

I am grateful that he is home when all this goes down. For a second, I am glad that Pepe skunked my pup, because break ups don't go well with third and fourth period in High School.  I realize I am not good with this teenage boy stuff and have a long road ahead of me.

In case you are wondering, Febreeze works well when a skunked dog decides jumping across your bed is a good idea. Wash the dog with Dawn dishwashing detergent, baking soda and hydrogen peroxide rather than tomato juice - save that for the Bloody Mary.

Finally, picking up the second child from Middle School, I am grateful Pepe didn't get his skunk revenge,  listening to my child telling you how funny everyone telling him he stunk,  calling him "Pepe Le Pew." What a difference hormones make.....

You know what, I think I'll save the tomato juice in case Pepe comes back, skip the Bloody Mary and call it a day.

Oh, did I mention Pepe left me a nice gift on the front steps of my house. With all the other smells coming out of my house, I can safely say skunk shit doesn't stink.

WTF - Man Caught as the Florida Foot Sniffer

This is an actual news story.  Want to learn more about the foot sniffer?

Then click HERE

A foot sniffer.  No really, he was caught sniffing feet?

*Disclaimer: I am also guilty of foot sniffing. Sometimes when I put on fresh socks I sniff my feet because they smell so good. I am also guilty of gauging how bad my feet smell when I take off my shoes with a casual sniff.  I am in no way a professional foot sniffer, or criminal foot sniffer.

"A man was caught crawling under the table sniffing a female's feet...."

I can only imagine:

"Carol, what's that noise?"

Gale, "Is that sniffing?"

Carol looks to Gayle, "Are you sniffing me?"

Gayle, "No, I thought you were sniffing me? I put on deodorant."

Carol, "I'm not sniffing anything."

Gayle, "Me neither.  Wait, who's the dude under our library table?"

He's lucky these girls had great hygiene practices because if this poor soul sniffed my feet, he'd pass out, getting caught right away. I think my feet smell like petunias, he wouldn't be able to stand let alone get away on his scooter.

Crime Stoppers put out a bulletin warning students of FIU of a person "crawling underneath a tables in a suspicious manner." Obviously, this man did not drop his pencil. How would you define a "suspicious" manner?

Also, did anyone notice that he ran off on a scooter? Possibly a liquor cycle? Hence the foot sniffing? How long did it take the police catching him on a SCOOTER?

Policeman, "Earle, there's so many people on scooters out here, which one is the sniffer?"

Partner, "That one, on the red scooter, he looks like a foot sniffer to me."

If you look at his mug shot, clearly he looks like a scooter riding, foot sniffing derelict.

Of course it took the helicopter, Sky 10 to chronicle the epic chase of the foot sniffer on the scooter.

Only in Florida, my friends.  Only in Florida.

Alone Time - What?

The transition from homeschool back to public school did not come without a caveat.

Sure this getting up at 5am is killing me, but someone has to do it.

Sure, getting them to bed early every night is a battle. I fixed it, I decorated their rooms looking like classrooms, they fall asleep the minute they walk in them.

Sure, I'm making lunches EVERY single day, sometimes throwing a cheese stick and apple in there.



Sure, I'm dealing with the extra time in the mirror for my eldest because there are GIRLS at school.

But guess what?

I drop them off it's, it's

quiet.

Like, no one complaining about my Classic Rock station (since when did all my childhood songs end up on the Classic Rock station?  About the same time all my childhood toys end up in the antique store)

No fighting over the front seat.

No dueling songs on phones.

Silence.

At first it was unnerving, I wasn't used to conversations with myself again. I wasn't used to thinking uninterrupted. I wasn't used to going to the bathroom with the door open and not worrying about someone screaming.

I was supposed to miss them, right?

Now I feel guilty.

Making myself feel better involved:

A hot cup of coffee consumed before it got cold while reading the morning paper.
A trip to the bathroom without someone banging on the door.
A hot shower long enough setting off the alarms at the local reservoir.
Reading People Magazine on the toilet without someone walking in on me.
Walking around the house naked because I can. (Do not drop by for coffee before 9am)
Breakfast of Salted Caramel Dark Chocolate.
Actually applying makeup.

I think I could get used to this. I have to, there's another 165 days left in the school year.

What do you do with your "alone" time?  Do you have "alone" time?

School Lunch - What are your kids throwing away?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a nutritionist. These are my suggestions. If you are a nutritionist, then stop reading now.

Without you realizing it, your child has a lot of control over what they eat for lunch at school.  Whether you pack a lunch for them, or they bring the tray from the cafeteria what stays in front of them and what ends up in the trash is truly their decision.  I used to think that cafeteria lunches were the easiest option (for me) until I went for lunch with my son in elementary school.

What I saw on the tray was not the most appetizing meal, sure it had some nutritional value (the pizza was on whole wheat crust) but I was appalled watching almost every single one of the children throw away the fruit on their tray.  Why?  Because served with today's lunch was an orange.

Not cut, not peeled, just an orange.

What is an elementary school child to do with this?  I watched some bite into it, grimacing at the sour taste, while others just rolled it on the table in front of them.  So I decided, I had to make something they would actually eat.  How do you determine what a child will eat at lunch?

1.  It has to be easy. Lunch time for children is a socialization time.  Their mind is not focused on their food, it is free talking with their buddies!  Make sure everything in the lunch box is a no brainer, easy to open, something they don't have to look at and wonder what it is.

2.  Make it edible.  If you are adding an apple, take a minute at home cutting it up.  This makes it easier during lunch time, most children do not have the attention span of eating an entire apple.  I usually cut half for the lunchbox, half for me.  That way the entire apple is eaten. Melons should be cut into bitesize chunks, packing the silverware does not mean they will use it, smaller chunks keep chins and such from getting sticky when biting into a larger piece of fruit.

3.  Crusts or to not crust the sandwich.  There was a 2002 study stating that the cancer fighting antioxidants baked into bread were 8 times greater in the crust, then there was my mother saying "If I ate the crust my hair would turn curly."  Just remember, if your child does not like the crust, leaving it on means they will take two to three bites of the INSIDE of the sandwich leaving the rest, cutting the crust means the entire sandwich is eaten. Or, if there isn't a crust debate in your home, don't even start one, leave the crust on.

4. Watch your sugar. Most times, the largest amount of sugar in the lunchbox is in the drink.  Many schools do not allow soft drinks in lunches, but watch the sugars of non carbonated drinks.  Remember that some energy drinks contain caffeine and sugar, meant to be used during or after a workout, not when sitting and eating lunch. One of the easiest things to get down my children is the flavored water, the best would be just water, but we're still working on that battle. One of the benefits of the cafeteria is fresh milk daily, another great choice for your child.

5. Make it fun. I've seen to the completely off the board healthy lunches, where every child is looking in the box saying, "What is that?" Don't single your child out with an over the top lunch, they may not eat it because of the ribbing from friends.  I'm not saying to not have fun. My one son loves sushi, so one morning I tossed that in his lunch! He came home from school laughing at all his friends "ewwing" that he was eating fish!

6. Add in the tradable.  Some schools do not allow trading items from lunch boxes but if yours does, I always add in the small sweet "tradable" treat. If you have the time, make those chocolate chip cookies at home with your child, if you can't add in something small and sweet - gummies, cookies, cake. This is a fun time of lunch when everyone evaluates what the other has and in some cases, trades around.

7. Your thermos is your lifeline. Most children will eat sandwiches, but consider the benefit of investing in a nice thermos. Anything left over from dinner can be lunch the next day.  Monday is my soup making day, I'll make two types of soups and put them in the thermos during the week  Sometimes if I have nothing in the house, I can heat up a frozen meal (my children like chicken fried rice) and throw that in the thermos.  The only problem I have with thermoses is when they are forgotten at school for a week and of course I'm in charge of the hazmat material.

Finally, if you want, leave them that note of encouragement.  Most elementary school children love finding a note in their lunch box, Middle and High School they say they don't, but I beg to differ.  I misspelled a word on a joke I wrote on a note and my High Schooler called me on it!

Remember, lunch is the middle refueling of your child's airplane, make good choices and they will fly through the second half of their day with a full tank!