How Dogs Rule the World

My husband and my dog have this love/ hate relationship.  It all started with a trip to the shelter to "look" at animals.

Do you ever go to the shelter to "look" at animals?  Well, needless to say as we were looking at dogs, this little ball of fluff was dropped off at the door, came in and jumped in my lap.

Oh boy.  I am so busted.

How will I tell my "no dogs for this family" husband?

After several arguments, and one night of sleeping in the car with this cute little ball of fluff.  We brought home ShawneeHaw our Maltese/Terrier mix from the shelter.

How did she reward my husband with his decision to relent and get a dog?

We told him that getting a shelter dog is cheaper than a pure bred dog.   ShawneeHaw tested positive for heart worm AFTER we got her home.  $800 and 30 days of keeping a puppy calm 24/7 she busted that myth.  

And to further bust that myth, she ingested some type of poison and with a $2400 vet bill later, she felt fine but my hubby mentioned his "wallet felt a lot lighter."

We promised that he would have nothing to do with the dog, he holds us to it:

1.  He walks by and says, "Kelly there is dog crap on the floor, who's cleaning it up?"

2.  He stands there in the kitchen, "Kids this is your dog, has anyone fed it?"

3.  He sits on the couch reminding us that SOMEONE needs to walk the dog.

So she rewards him by bonding with him, here's how our shelter dog treats my husband:

1.  He sits on the couch and she is immediately lying on the cushion behind his head.

2.  She picked his expensive favorite pair of shoes to chew part of the buckle off.

3.  Whenever he is cooking she is standing there leaning on his leg begging until the cooking is done.

4.  In our bed, she is curled up on top of his head on the pillow.

So the dog that he didn't want has now bonded with him, and goes crazy only when HE gets home from work.

When we're not watching, I watch him let the dog in his lap and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.  When I am looking I am told that the dog is MINE and by the way, there's some crap on the floor.

Oh, and the dog?  She just ate 6 Slim Jims - pray it's not another trip to the vet.

Does your dog rule the home?

Mystery Woman - You've Got Some 'Splaining To Do

If we haven't met, especially at a party - my name is Mystery Woman.  Let me explain.

I used to be a late night partier.

Then I had kids.

And I knew that no matter what time I stayed up until - my youngest son would be standing by my bedside at 530 am saying, "Start Day?"

Have you ever tried to leave or go to bed when 30-35 adults (some behaving like children) have been sipping whiskey and dancing to Marshall Tucker?

It's not easy.  I guess it's good they want you to stay.

They command that you cannot go and expect you to listen to them.

They move you over to the family member that could talk the ear off a brass monkey.

They keep you in the dance circle not quitting even when "Devil Went Down to Georgia" comes on.

Worst yet, you end up with Aunt Mildred just as she was starting an explanation about her various health problems and how she can't get rid of her varicose veins.

So I developed my mystery woman ways of leaving a party.  For the younger grasshoppers in the Melang clan, I will share some, yes just some of my secrets.

I have to go to the bathroom - this one sometimes works if the bathroom window is large enough to wiggle through.  If it isn't well, you can work on these other tactics.  Always, always check what type of bushes are below the window - sticker bushes are not a good idea.

Fireworks - this always works well.  The fireworks could be the store bought kind that create just enough of a diversion for me to grab a kid under each arm and run for the car.  Or telling Aunt Sallie that Uncle Hubert was commenting on her parachute pants, saying they were the actual size of a parachute.  Fireworks either way you use them provide a great diversion.

Sure I'm getting another drink - this one is easy.  Everyone sees you walking into the house, they ask, "Are you getting another drink?"  You look at them and smile, "OF COURSE, what else am I doing---going to bed?"  The easiest way to not give up a lie is to look at the family as they as and give them the thumbs up - they'll think you are still having fun.

Is there any food left - another great diversion because food is usually in the kitchen, which means you can dive out the window into the bushes and walk like a Ninja to your car.

So and So is Tired - kids are a great excuse to get to bed.  My poor little Honey Boo Boo is exhausted and SOMEONE has to put him/her to bed.  Don't let them see you walking into the bedroom with a glass of wine and book while Honey Boo Boo snores the night away.

I'm done - if all else fails, get into a fight with your significant other.  Tell them you are "DONE" and head off to La La land.  Everyone is so worried that the divorce papers are coming they do not disturb you.

Remember if the party is at your house, lock the door because once they find out you've gone to bed they could barge in like a college frat party and thus not only wake up you but the child you've finally gotten down to bed.

Better yet, when you are the only one up at 530am cleaning up from the night before, why not crank the music and start your own party.

So as I watched a young Grasshopper try to leave a Melang party by simply walking down the driveway with out a single goodbye, I thought to myself, "Oh, you have so much to learn," as I heard in the distance,

"Where are you going?"

Oh Barbie, you are a bad girl!

I am a mother of boys, so I don't understand the whole Barbie thing.  Visiting some friends and playing in a little girls room, here's some tell tale signs that Barbie's had a bad night:

The Dream bus is sitting on it's side miscellaneous outfits sitting on the floor.

The batteries in the play toilet are dead from too much flushing.

Prince Charming somehow lost his pants during the evening.

G.I.Joe is duct taped to the bed with Superman duct tape.

The children of Ken and Barbie are piled in a corner without any clothes on.

There's something sticky in Barbie's hair.

Cinderella lost her dress this time around, not a shoe.

Ken is wearing Snow White's dress.

My suggestion to Mattel?  Paint some clothes on the poor girl so when she's stripped, as all girls will do, she still has some decency left!

What would you add if Barbie went on a bender at your home?

Traveling Reception

What a great idea

A traveling reception.

So much fun hanging with the family.

Congratulations! Off to Germany for you two!

How to become an endurance athlete - surviving that run!

As endurance junkies we are always striving for that perfect run - when the clouds line up, your player plays the most perfect mix of music, the weather is just a little on the cool side with NO humidity, and nothing hurts.  Never had that type of run, well, neither have I.

Here's how I train myself to become an endurance junkie, but surviving those runs that really suck.  Like my 8 miler today.  If I can make it past this then I can survive 26.2 miles any day.

1.  I walk out the door at 6am and immediately humidity slaps me in the face.  How can it be 80 degrees and 100% humidity so early in the morning?  I start rewriting a song in my head.

"Hello humidity, my old friend.
I've come to run with you again.
There is a moisture softly creeping,
Brought some words that were bleeping.
And the sweat running down my butt
still remains
Within the sounds of sweating.




2.  My headphones decide they will not cooperate.  Has anyone found some ear buds that will stay in BOTH ears.  No, my left side starts to continually fall out.  So my first stop in to get a leaf, fold it up and shove it in my ear to hold the bud it - doesn't help.

3.  I forgot my water bottle holder and my iPhone holder.  So now my ear bud is falling out of my ear, I'm holding a sweaty water bottle in one hand and my iPhone in the other.

4.  My music player has decided to get stuck on one song.  One song only.  So I switch to Pandora and it starts to play Frank Sinatra and Cole Porter.  Granted I like them, but I need something a little more peppy to keep me trekking up that hill.

5.  Before I finish mile 1, I find the one puddle in the road and step in it.  So one foot is soggy and one is not.  Of course I didn't have the right socks so already my bunions are going, "What???"

6.  I am sweating so bad I cannot see, I stop at a gas station and pick up one of those blue paper towels to wipe my face, not realizing there's some kind of cleaner on it.  Now my face is sweating - AND ITCHES.

By the time I head back, there's a junk yard dog sitting at the end of a long drive and I'm thinking after all the other crap I've been working through and still running - bring it on dog.  But soon I realize that he's an old three legged junkyard dog and all he wants to do is lay there and bark at me.  Yeah buddy, I think today I feel like you.

If you can make it through all the crap that threatens to ruin your run then you can make it through those long runs when your body complains from mile 15 on.  That's why they are training runs, they prepare us to fully enjoy that perfect run - if we ever have one!

Brace Yourself for the Airport Ticket Agent

He sat on his throne looking like King Midas, or Genghis Khan.  No I am not talking about royalty, I am talking about the ticket agent at the airport, or the customer service representative at the mall, any person who believes they are in a position of authority due to their job description.  In my case, this ticket agent at the airport was the seat keeper, the keeper of the first class seats that I was coveting.

And he understood the power he had, and he yielded it.

He looked up at me, then back to his computer screen.  Obviously something on that screen was much more important than customer service?  Rather than saying something immediately, I waited patiently, hoping this gesture of good will, this showing how important I thought he was by not interrupted what seemed to be a very important computer something.  After waiting several minutes, I finally couldn’t stand it anymore so I coughed and said, “Excuse me?”

He looked up at me through his glasses perched on his nose, a stern look on his face at being interrupted at his IMPORTANT job.  I was not mentioning that I noticed his fingers not moving on the keyboard for quite a bit of time.  

“What can I do for you,” he asked in a nasally voice, emphasizing DO and YOU.

I almost said, “YOUR JOB,” but bit my tongue.  “They told me that I should check with you about seats available for 1^st class on the flight from Charlotte to Phoenix?”

He looked at me, acting like I’d said, “Sir, can you please take that umbrella in the corner and stick it up your ass.”  There was another long pause as we stared at each other, like playing some kind of game of war.  Who was going to blink first.  I felt like I had won, when he simply stopped staring looking down to his keyboard and started to type.

While I watched him type, a line started forming behind me as other people were hoping to find lost bags, or change seats, or get rebooked after a cancelled flight.  I felt the stress of holding everyone up, especially the woman behind me with a baby in her arms, a baby that took one look at me and started crying.  I started sweating, partially because of the baby crying behind me, but also because I noticed that he boarding passes put her and Napoleon there right next to me on the 4 hour 37 minute flight.

My eyes went back to the agent, who was not noticing Napoleon starting to scream, or me sweating, he was very intently typing on the keyboard, looking at the screen as if he were typing up the long lost scroll of the bible.

I waited while Belzebub’s screaming got louder.  Watching him on the keyboard.

What is he typing?  Why is it taking him so long to just check a flight for seats in first class?  He’s still typing, is the system

broken.  When he paused typing, I felt a moment of exhilaration, only to have my hopes dashed as he then went back to typing again.

I wanted him to look up at me, so I could silently communicate with him with my eyes.  I wanted to say, “It can’t take you that damn long to check if a seat is available.”  Then I would add with more glaring potential, “I need to know if I am seated next to spawn of Satan for the next flight so I can go slam down a few martinis and make the flight tolerable.”  But he wouldn’t look up, so I couldn’t communicate anything.

I thought he found his answer because he clearly stopped typing on the keyboard.  When I thought he would give me an answer, he went from typing on the keyboard to clicking with the mouse.  He clicked as much as he typed.  He just kept clicking shit making me wonder if he was contacting the Chairman of USAirways for confirmation of my upgrade to first class.  He just kept clicking while I just kept waiting.

“How’s it coming along,” I asked when I couldn’t stand the Exorcist playing out behind me.  I hoped he would understand my question, see all my eye gestures and understand the communication.

“The computer is running a little slow,” he said as he stared at the screen mesmerized.

No shit, probably all that typing and clicking overloaded the system and now you have to wait, which means I have to wait, praying Linda Blair behind me doesn’t puke on my clean shirt.  My eye communication changed from give me an answer to looking like Oliver Twist, big sad eyes saying, “Please sir, could you spare one first class seat.”

He typed for a few more minutes, I was planning on bribing the flight attendant to slip me a few miniatures of whiskey for the flight when he says, “Looks like you are in luck.”

The heavens opened, I heard angels singing, and Spawn of Satan behind me smiled for a minute before resuming his crying.  I walk like Gene Kelley in Singing In The Rain to my gate whistling a bright tune.

That’s when I realize he’s upgraded me on the wrong leg of my flight, I was already in first class for that one.

I hear a wail in the distance.

Is That Bear Happy To See Me?

How to act when encountering a bear in the wild:

1.  Walk through the woods letting the bears know you are a human, you can say, "Bear, bear bear."  Or you can sing, "Bare Necessities."

2.  Do NOT look the bear in the eye.  You should not be that close enough.

3.  Explain to her that you are a human, the crap in your pants is not stinky enough to convey this news.

4.  Walk slowly backwards away from the bear.

5.  If everyone else is running, run just a little faster than them.

6.  If you can't run fast enough, simply trip someone next to you.

7.  Take that food you were not supposed to have in your pockets and throw it into the woods or into the pocket of that annoying person in your group.

8.  If you have your bear bells with you, give them to a friend, bears see this is a dinner bell not a bear bell.

9.  Remember to point your bear spray AWAY from your face, it is not easy to run from a bear with pepper spray in your eyes.

Always be prepared when walking in the woods where there are bears near, keep your pepper spray and bear bells handy.  You can tell the bears are near by the bear poop.  Baby bear poop has berries and sticks in it.  Adult bear poop has bear bells in it and smells like pepper spray.

Be safe and bear with me on this one.

A River Runs Through It - or How To Catch A Bush

Fly fishing for salmon in Alaska, who would have thought?   I’m picturing a River Runs Through it type fishing for us.  Beautiful pictures, the fly going perfectly above the water, someone cute like Brad Pitt as our guide.

Slim,(not the Brad Pitt Type) our guide did not know what he was in store for.  Standing there with his sport fishing sunglasses on, warm clothes, tackle and gear lined up - he's ready to catch some fish.  As I approach the boat,  we both look at each other think, “Oh hell.”

Did I give away my dorkiness when asking, “Do you wear your shoes inside the waders?”

That I came down to fish and forgot my fishing license?

That I am getting in on the wrong side of the boat?

That I mentioned I can play music on my iPhone while we fish?

Was it my sunglasses equipped with bifocals?

Was it how I fell into the boat loaded down in waders?

Or that I was dressed with 5 life is good T-shirts, one sweatshirt, a sweater, long under wear, a raincoat, and I'm still cold?

Did any of that give it away that I was totally out of my element?

I know he's look at me thinking, "I'm going to make a fisherman out of you."  I'm looking at him thinking, "Something smells funny."

We get in the boat as it starts to rain, I’m thinking - well, this is perfect, already I’m cold and now it is raining.  Not the perfect storm, we’re missing something.

Our spot was a chilly 30 minutes out, by the bank.  Due to our dorkiness, he probably didn’t want us standing in the water in our waders.  Slim is explaining the art of fly casting, I'm not listening,  I am wondering, "What is that steady hum behind my head?"  Slim makes sure I am listening this time, and has me cast a few times to show him I have caught on.  He moves over to help Jeff and I can finally look behind me at the steady hum.

Bad idea.

Welcome, a black cloud of mosquitos whispers as it hovers behind my face.  Like the arrows in the cartoon shows, they form a black arrow saying, "ATTACK!"  They land on the only exposed part of my body - my face, as a fish lands on the line.   I’m trying to reel the fish in while smacking around my eyes.  Slim, trying to toughen me up says, "Don't worry about them, they don't carry any diseases.  Just reel the fish in slowly."  I'm thinking, "I've become a human smorgasbord!  I feel like I am at the red cross giving blood.  One of the F*ckers just flew up my nose!"  I try to stay cool as he walks around with the net, reeling the fish in until finally he nets it.  I drop the rod and smack my own face, then look at the fish.  Well, it is a big one, I try to pick it up and a big trail of slime slips it out my hand.  Slim comes over with a club and starts smacking the fish as I watch.  Ewww.  Poor fishy.  That's a lot of  blood.  Ugh, I have to do it again?

I finally figure out how to cast as Slim yells, "There's a big wad of sockeye coming through, get ready!"    I’m waiting for it, waiting, throw out what I think is the best cast of my life and hook-

The bush behind me.

The fish are swimming by, thinking, "SUCKER!"  I turn around to walk back to the bush and my hook, the mosquitos thinking, "Look our dinner is walking right to us!"

I catch the tree behind me, the bush, some weeds from the bottom but also 5 sockeye salmon. I'm not going to admit to Slim that catching the fish was actually quite fun.   We head back in to meet up with the group and discuss our day.  Of course there’s drinks in the lounge first.  I walk back in and all the seasoned fisher people are looking at me strangely.

Probably because I look like Elephant woman, I’ve got welts above my eye, down the side of my cheek, and the little bastards even got the top of my lips!  I almost say, "I am a human, not an animal!"

A quick stop to buy the maximum DEET poison spray, a nice bug bucket mosquito net for my face, and gloves to cover every exposed part of my body.  

Now I understand why Alaskans call the state bird - the mosquito.  You watch out critters, tomorrow is another day.

Help I,ve fallen in the TSA line

How do you make it through the TSA line?  Here's some easy steps:

Easiest way to not get strip searched?  Strip first and walk through naked.

Take your brass nuckles and put them in the bag of the person ahead of you.

Let them do every type of metallic scan, then casually say, "Oh, I know what it is.  I forgot and left my Ben Wah Balls in.  Do you need to keep searching?"

Walk around saying loudly, "Man!  everyone's feet here STINK!"

If they ask if you have anything to declare, tell them you are allergic to latex.

Go through in a toga explaining it is the dress of your people.

Go through in a kilt saying, "Oh, I've been waiting for you!" To the agent.

Explaintion: it is the hair dryer that looks like a 357 Magnum, you don't need to pull it out.

Bring an extra bag with you and leave it sitting unattended.  This keeps everyone busy enough to not fool with your bag.

Ride in a wheelchair, they always get through the line first.  Better yet, pay someone to wheel you through the line and leave your brass knuckles in their pocket.

After your strip search walk out of the room proclaiming, "Ask for Carl!  he's got LITTLE hands!"

And to make your trip more enjoyable here is an actual list of items you cannot take through security:
Meat cleavers
Grenades
Cattle prods. (Guess your kids will actually enjoy the trip)
sabers
Brass Knuckles
Tear Gas
Gun lighters

Check your luggage and thank you for flying TSA Security line!