Mystery Woman - You've Got Some 'Splaining To Do

If we haven't met, especially at a party - my name is Mystery Woman.  Let me explain.

I used to be a late night partier.

Then I had kids.

And I knew that no matter what time I stayed up until - my youngest son would be standing by my bedside at 530 am saying, "Start Day?"

Have you ever tried to leave or go to bed when 30-35 adults (some behaving like children) have been sipping whiskey and dancing to Marshall Tucker?

It's not easy.  I guess it's good they want you to stay.

They command that you cannot go and expect you to listen to them.

They move you over to the family member that could talk the ear off a brass monkey.

They keep you in the dance circle not quitting even when "Devil Went Down to Georgia" comes on.

Worst yet, you end up with Aunt Mildred just as she was starting an explanation about her various health problems and how she can't get rid of her varicose veins.

So I developed my mystery woman ways of leaving a party.  For the younger grasshoppers in the Melang clan, I will share some, yes just some of my secrets.

I have to go to the bathroom - this one sometimes works if the bathroom window is large enough to wiggle through.  If it isn't well, you can work on these other tactics.  Always, always check what type of bushes are below the window - sticker bushes are not a good idea.

Fireworks - this always works well.  The fireworks could be the store bought kind that create just enough of a diversion for me to grab a kid under each arm and run for the car.  Or telling Aunt Sallie that Uncle Hubert was commenting on her parachute pants, saying they were the actual size of a parachute.  Fireworks either way you use them provide a great diversion.

Sure I'm getting another drink - this one is easy.  Everyone sees you walking into the house, they ask, "Are you getting another drink?"  You look at them and smile, "OF COURSE, what else am I doing---going to bed?"  The easiest way to not give up a lie is to look at the family as they as and give them the thumbs up - they'll think you are still having fun.

Is there any food left - another great diversion because food is usually in the kitchen, which means you can dive out the window into the bushes and walk like a Ninja to your car.

So and So is Tired - kids are a great excuse to get to bed.  My poor little Honey Boo Boo is exhausted and SOMEONE has to put him/her to bed.  Don't let them see you walking into the bedroom with a glass of wine and book while Honey Boo Boo snores the night away.

I'm done - if all else fails, get into a fight with your significant other.  Tell them you are "DONE" and head off to La La land.  Everyone is so worried that the divorce papers are coming they do not disturb you.

Remember if the party is at your house, lock the door because once they find out you've gone to bed they could barge in like a college frat party and thus not only wake up you but the child you've finally gotten down to bed.

Better yet, when you are the only one up at 530am cleaning up from the night before, why not crank the music and start your own party.

So as I watched a young Grasshopper try to leave a Melang party by simply walking down the driveway with out a single goodbye, I thought to myself, "Oh, you have so much to learn," as I heard in the distance,

"Where are you going?"