Help I,ve fallen in the TSA line

How do you make it through the TSA line?  Here's some easy steps:

Easiest way to not get strip searched?  Strip first and walk through naked.

Take your brass nuckles and put them in the bag of the person ahead of you.

Let them do every type of metallic scan, then casually say, "Oh, I know what it is.  I forgot and left my Ben Wah Balls in.  Do you need to keep searching?"

Walk around saying loudly, "Man!  everyone's feet here STINK!"

If they ask if you have anything to declare, tell them you are allergic to latex.

Go through in a toga explaining it is the dress of your people.

Go through in a kilt saying, "Oh, I've been waiting for you!" To the agent.

Explaintion: it is the hair dryer that looks like a 357 Magnum, you don't need to pull it out.

Bring an extra bag with you and leave it sitting unattended.  This keeps everyone busy enough to not fool with your bag.

Ride in a wheelchair, they always get through the line first.  Better yet, pay someone to wheel you through the line and leave your brass knuckles in their pocket.

After your strip search walk out of the room proclaiming, "Ask for Carl!  he's got LITTLE hands!"

And to make your trip more enjoyable here is an actual list of items you cannot take through security:
Meat cleavers
Grenades
Cattle prods. (Guess your kids will actually enjoy the trip)
sabers
Brass Knuckles
Tear Gas
Gun lighters

Check your luggage and thank you for flying TSA Security line!

The Key to Daddy's Sanity!

Traveling to Washington State with the boys is a lesson in patience and flexibility.

My oldest wants to be just like his father, so he's packed his briefcase with all his plane essentials.  His new Kindle Fire he won at a Stacker game (yes, he is still telling everyone this), his phone, his computer all his cords, his headphones, his iTouch and his license (his IdentaKid card.)  Thus begins the Curse of the Key.

You see, the briefcase has a lock, and and lock has a small key that goes in it.  My son locks the briefcase.

Hubby, eyeing TINY LITTLE key in his son's hand:  Son, should you lock that?

Son:  I don't want anyone getting into my stuff.

Hubby:  Let me hold the key.

Son:  No, I got it.

Hubby:  really, I'll put it in a safe place.

Son as he puts it in his pocket:  I have a safe place.

We start going through security.

Hubby:  Son, you have to take everything out of the briefcase to put in the bins.

Son, fumbling:  Ok.

Hubby:  What's wrong,

Son:  I'm finding my key.

Hubby looking at angry line behind them:  Did you lose the key?

Son:  No, it's in my pocket.

Hubby:  Well find it pretty quickly, we have to put this stuff on the belt.

Son:  Wait a minute.  Dad!

Husband shoving his hands into son's pockets until Finally the key is located, the bag put on the belt and we go through security.

On the airplane, my son pulls everything out of the briefcase for use on the plane, then locks it again to put in the overhead bin.

Hubby:  Do you have to lock it?

Son:  What if someone steals my stuff?

Hubby:  I don't think anyone will steal your stuff on the plane.

Son: You never know.

Hubby:  Let me hold the key.

Son:  No, I got it.

We enjoy the plane ride, as we land and everyone resembles the Who Concert trying to get off the plane, my husband pulls the bag out of the over head bin.

Hubby:  Hurry Up, put everything away so we can get off the plane first.  (he likes to be first)

Son:  Wait a minute.

Hubby:  What's wrong.

Son:  I dropped my key, wait a minute.

Hubby starting to resemble Rumplestiltskin:  Hurry Son.

Son:  I think it fell in my seat.

Hubby looks at me:  I am throwing away this briefcase.

We carry all his stuff and the locked briefcase off the plane into the terminal.  Son is upset about the key, hubby getting ready to throw away the briefcase, son puts hand in pocket.

Son:  Oh, here it is, wow that's good.

Hubby looking back at tiny key:  Great.

We watch him put all his stuff back into his briefcase, and LOCK it with the TINY key.

Son:  Don't want anyone taking my stuff.