WTF - What are you worried about?

I just read a quote that said, "When you don't know what to write about, write about what worries you."

Here goes:

I am very worried about my butt.  In most cultures, it would be considered a nice booty.  I am insecure that I cannot afford it getting any bigger because it would cost me too much in ski clothes.

I am worried about the Zombie Apocalypse - it is starting with our children.  Have you seen their eyes when they are on a video game?  I guess I wouldn't be so worried if I had Darryl with me, then that's be OK.

I am worried that Facebook will finally make that "See who's stalking you" app.  Because if they do, then Johnny Depp and a few other people are going to find out about me.

I am worried they will cancel Criminal Minds.  Then what other "eye candy" yet intellectual show could I watch.

I am worried that my children will find my secret stash of candy.  My butt hopes they will, and that they will eat all of it, but my mind worries they will.

I am worried my friends will figure out who I am.

I am worried my skeletons will escape my closet.  The parachute pants, the boudoir photos, and one and only perm picture, oh and the black leather mini skirt I still can't get myself to pitch.

I am worried that I will never be carded again.  Especially when McDonalds asked if I was ordering a "senior" coffee.

I am worried that I may never sleep through the night ever again.  I've heard it happens possibly when the kids are out of the house but worried it may not happen for me.

I am worried that this is all there is.  I mean out of the box of wine.  What were you thinking?

What worries you?

WTF - Mathematics of Life

Here's a few math problems for your What The Friday email:

Johnny as 10 minutes to get out the door to a job interview.  Via forgot to print off his resume.  Johnny is yelling at Via to print off his resume he has to go.

Determine the percentages of each item to equal 100%
a.  The Printer is out of ink.
b.  The Printer is not connected to the network.
c.  Three consecutive paper jams
d.  Johnny and Via divorce.

Maya has one Chateau de Box of Red Wine.  She reads a recipe that calls for red wine as part of the preparation.  There is enough left in Maya's box of wine to perform the recipe.  If Maya does not have another box of wine, how far can she reduce the wine in the recipe to save some for herself?

Hulio and Raolo meet at their 20th High School Reunion.  Hulio is still single and hitting the bar scene.  Raolo is married with 3 children under the age of ten.  Determine the percentage that Hulio and Raolo have anything in common to talk about.

Consuela has 5 bottles of wine.  She drinks 30% of the bottles in hand.  What does Consuela have?

There are 53 candy bars after halloween, if 8 children dive for the leftover candy, how many pieces does each child get?

Bernard has read that used wine can be frozen in ice cubes.  He has found Mia's leftover wine, 1/4 bottle.  How many ice cubes can he make before Mia kicks his butt for using her wine?

Probability - Determine the probability of Vera getting a cold shower if the temperature is 16 degrees, there are 4 people showering ahead of her and 1 dog has rolled in shit.

You are welcome for That Grey Area helping you stretch your brain muscles with REAL WORLD math problems.  What problems would you add?

What Do You Love About Life

My 9 year old's question was the great way to start a lazy school holiday morning.

What do you love about life?

Tell me what you think, I replied back.

He looked out the window and came up with a list that impressed me.

Snow

Family

Shawnee

Mine Craft

Snow Days

Mountain Biking

God

Spongebob.

I love that his list reminded me, KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid.

So here's my list of things I love in life:

1.  2 hour delays from school

2.  Fresh snow on a crisp winter morning.

3.  Standing on top of a mountain and looking out - that feeling of being so small.

4.  A favorite song on the radio and reminds me of a special time.

5.  That feeling when I am falling in love with my characters in my writing.

6.  That feeling of gratitude that invades my soul and gives me peace.

7.  Making my friends laugh and watch their faces relax.

8.  Going for a walk and being surprised by some creature - a red tail hawk flying in front of me, a deer in the meadow.

9.  Hanging out with my family, telling stories.

10.  Life itself.

The list is short.  The list is free.  But the list is priceless.

Be reminded today that the things that are important, the things that you love in life.

Well, those things are free.

OK, except maybe the dog after my last vet bill.

WTF - Internet Acronyms of a Menopausal Woman

I hate acronyms.  There I said it.  But since they are here to stay, here's a few I use....

HFCO - Hot Flash Coming On
WTF WHO TURNED HEAT ON?  I FEEL A HFCO.

ROFL - REALLY OLD

WMWB - Working My Wine Belly
WANNA GO OUT 2NITE?
K, WANNA WMWB, K?

BM - Bitchy Mood
HIDE THE SIDEARMS, GOT A BM COMING ON.

2FT - this is like the 2QT (2 Cute)
GONNA SKIP LUNCH FEELIN 2FT.

BCNU - BECAUSE NOONE UNDERSTANDS
IM NOT TALKIN TO U BCNU

CRST - Can't remember shit
SINCE I HIT 40 I CRST

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
JUST FINISHED BODY PUMP AT THE Y  BTW"

BFF - Best Friends French Fry
I GOT MY PERIOD, I'LL EAT ANYTHING INCLUDING BFF."

CYA - See you later.
HITTING HH WILL I CYA? (translation, "I'm hitting Happy Hour, will I See Ya?"

CYA - Cover Your *ss
IF U R GOING 2 WM, CYA"  (translation:  "If you are going to Walmart, Cover your *ss)

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
CAN'T FIND MY CAR FWIW - HELP!  NEED SOMEONE TO CYA"

ZBC - Zit Be Gone
I'M OVER 40, WTH I NEED THIS ZBC."

BRB  - BE RIGHT BACK OR BRING YOUR BOTTLE
FINISHED THE RED WINE, YOU'LL NEED TO BRB."

DILIGAS
"Mom, I forgot my homework."
DILIGAS
What?
Do I look like.....

So when you see your Mom texting, or you receive a text you can use this handy list to understand what she is trying to say.

WTF - Spotted Dick?

Best way to go on a diet is to change the way you eat.

I was a at dinner party where the talk went around English food.  We had a wonderful Yorkshire Pudding for the first time, delicious with it's onion sauce and gravy.

Then they asked if I've ever had Spotted Dick.

Conversation stopped.

I tried to remember that time when Jeff caught that strange flu in Mexico when we were on a cruise.  He had a temperature and spots all over his body.  Oh wait, he was sick if I remember, was not in the mood.

"No, I've never had spotted dick," I replied looking around the room, "Have you?"

His wife perked up, "Why I love spotted dick especially when it is covered in custard."

I close my mouth, first in sympathy for her, then second what if I catch something from her?

"I like the one that comes in a can," her husband adds.

"Comes in a can," I squeak out.

"Yes, it's especially spongy with a few surprises in there," he says.

"Yes, and the more custard the better, especially if it is room temperature," his wife adds.

"It's easy to make a Spotted Dick," He says.

"First you have to grease everything up.

Then you whip it hard

Add in some flavorings

And let things heat up.

Just as it is about to go, dial it down a notch to keep things simmering.

Finally, when it done, take the custard whip it until smooth and pour it over it."

His wife sighs, "I like my Spotted Dick in a can.  That way I can microwave it."

Just as I am about to say that I'm on a diet and cannot eat anymore, they say:

"But we have Blackberry Cobbler, would you like some?"

PS.  I went ahead and googled Spotted Dick on Amazon and not only is it available for purchase, but those that purchased Spotted Dick also purchased:

Grace Cock Flavored Soup
Super Dickmans that go well with Spotted Dick.
And of course, my favorite

Megapussi

Hungry yet?

How to get your family moving on a cold day!

The night before by playing Frostbite Queen and lowering the thermostat to 62 degrees.

Conveniently forget all the things you do for them:

Turning the heat back up when you get up.

Starting the coffee.

Turning on the shower to warm it up.

Start your day by sticking your feet out from the covers until you cannot feel them.  Bring them in and place them firmly on your significant other's bare back.

Use all the hot water for your shower.

Pull the blankets off of them and march downstairs - blankets still in hand.

"Lose" one of their slippers.

Stick your hands out the window for 10 minutes then run around touching your children's bare skin, it will make dressing for school a lot quicker.

Guess what, they'll be glad marching out the door for school!

Stupid Criminals

My home was broken into sometime over the holidays by some very stupid criminals.

We noticed it when we came through the door - me wondering if a raccoon got loose in the house as a bunch of stuff was knocked over and moved around.

It wasn't until we noticed that a TV was missing.  Here's where they got stupid:

Our house has 5 TV's, they took the oldest one, left the smart TVs for the LCD.

They took the one that required the most work to unhook, so someone was probably cussing.

They went through my jewelry box and left:
A diamond and gold watch
A Raymond Weil watch
Several cocktail rings
Gold bracelet

And took one ring?

Oh, and the antique firearms - well, they are still safe and sound while someone took a $80 electric guitar.

Anyway, I call the police and they come immediately telling me that they still must fill out a report about the incident even if I am not filing an insurance claim.

Officer comes in, "Is the house clear?"

Me, "Um, yes.  I came in and noticed someone had broken in but had to take my kids to school."

He looks at me strangely, "Have you looked under the beds and in the basement?"

I hesitate.

He punts his hand on  his gun and says, "Maam, stand back.  We must make sure the house is clear."

I'm looking around for Shemar Moore as I hear them banging doors in the basement yelling, "Clear!"

We go through the house itemizing items taken.  I am suddenly aware that my house needs a cleaning.  We stop at the door to my son's room.

"So they went through all the drawers," Officer asks.

I look at every drawer hanging open, clothes on the floor, "Uh no, unfortunately that's normal."

I have to wait for backup in the form of the Crime Scene Unit, and sit through another hour of fingerprinting and asking more questions.  When the fingerprint girl starts to go into the boys rooms, he says, "Don't worry about that  - that's normal."

She finishes by fingerprinting me.  I am given a police report, told to watch for cars driving slowly through the neighborhood (we have a lot of elderly neighbors, everyone drives slow around here) and that they will do everything they can to catch the suspects.

Have I told you how hard it is to clean up fingerprint dust?

Why a Great Mom is A Great Follower

As mother's we hope to create great leaders.  Sometimes it takes a great follower to create a great leader.

We follow toddlers on a 24/7 basis keeping bugs they picked up off the floor from going into their mouth.

We follow babies at any get together helping them avoid staircases, or toilets or cousins.

We follow their trail down the hallway and into their room, picking up the discarded shoes and clothing along the way.

We follow them when they are sad until they can't stand it anymore and tell us what's wrong.

We follow their bike, keeping them from falling until they are too quick and we have to let go.

We follow on one foot after stepping on a lego while cleaning up a room.

We follow them down the hallway of school - hiding behind the door, peeking in periodically, until it is considered socially unacceptable.

We follow and sit just within ear shot of that first "get together" (date) at the cool place of "Mickey D's."

We follow the bus on its first trip to school.

We run behind them, trying to find out why it was such a good idea to cut the hair on the dog.

We sign up and follow them on field trips - regretting it each and every time but signing up again.

We follow them in the kitchen closing all the cabinets and drawers as they "make" cookies.

We follow our nose until it finds the plate of food casually hidden under the bed.

And that my friends, is as far as I go for now.....

Where do you follow?

WTF - NEWSY Edition

One does not have to look far for WTF headlines from real news operations:

NC Politician Writes Resignation Letter In Klingon - Click here

Yes, just when we were wondering if politicians understand us, the truth comes out - they are Klingons.

Brain Samples Stolen from Indiana Medical Facility - Click Here

Yep, there is a zombie apocolypse but they have MANNERS!  Or wait, are these going to the politicians?

Hawaiian Woman with 35 character name Finally Gets Drivers License - Click Here

How does she go through airport security?  Just call me "Mary?"

Gift Cards Can Now Be Traded for Porn - click here

NOW I know what to do with all those gift cards - I mean who wants a great dinner out when you can have PORN!

Breaking Bad Contest Winner Arrested on Drug Charges - click here

Too much irony here, will remain silent.

Man With Two Penises Answers All Your Questions - click here

We have questions?  Who's asking questions?

And then my favorite:

Woman's Hair Weave Stops Speeding Bullet - 

The new commercial would go like this:

"Is your hair thinning?

Are you combat ready?

Think the new USArmy Hair Weave!

Able to stop a speeding bullet while making you look GOOD!"

Do you have any great stories?