New Years, Schmew Years

Everyone makes New Years resolutions.  Here are mine:

Every day I will realize that I am blessed.  Especially on those days where I don't have to lay on the floor to button my pants.

I choose to wine more, and whine less.  Yes, there is a difference.



I resolve to finally finish 50 Shades of Grey and not keep getting stuck at the good parts, you have to put up with the soft parts to get to the hard parts.

I will listen to my children, or at least act the part a little better.

I will clean out my pantry.  Today, the day before New Years, that way I can eat all the crappy food and wake up the next morning bloated with a resolution to only buy healthy food.

I will buy bras that fit.  I don't need them to look cute, I just need them out of the way.

I will cook more gourmet meals, or at least, hide the box better.

I will not text and drive, wait, I wasn't doing that anyway---honest.

I will spend more time with my family.  I'll still not listen to them, but I will be around, nodding, more often.

I will appreciate my friends, even when they are laughing as I lay on my back by the side of the ski slope.  Oh, you are so next.

I will be softer on myself, because, face it, everything about myself is softer and rounder - face, thighs, butt, legs.....

I will say what is on my mind.  Oh wait, that's my resolution from last year.

I will realize that this year is the only 2014 that I get - so I plan to go big or go home.  Oh wait, that bridge is burned!

What type of Mom are You?

It's the holidays, what type of Mom are you?

Spiritual Momma - "Let us all sit together here in a circle and feel the Christmas Spirit.  Charlie, will you stop pushing your brother!  I want quiet, Christmas Spirit cannot come if I am yelling at you!  Margaret, I don't care that Taylor is texting you, put the phone down.  We are going to feel the Christmas SPIRIT whether you want to or not!"

Perfect Momma - "Oh we don't use Facebook, or own a TV.  We want our children to read for entertainment.  All of our gifts are homemade by each other, if you want to see them check out Crafty Pinterest Board.  We're going to spend Christmas day cooking together in the kitchen, then sit and read A Christmas Carol together.  What?  Oh we do not allow candy in the home."

Badass Momma - "I am sorry your Smith and Wesson M&P45 Black is not in your stocking.  No one told me what was involved in a gun check, I'm waiting on the application to come back.  Here's your brass knuckles."

Organic Momma - "Don't you love the organic fruit in your stockings?  Everything under the all natural non pesticide sprayed, earth friendly Christmas tree is completely organic, PBA free AND gluten free."

Hipster Momma - "Listen, you are wearing the Rudolph pajamas!  We need a color coordinated picture for our Christmas Card.  Will someone hold the dog down while I put on her pajamas!"

Pinterest Momma - "I had everyone in the family create of Pinterest board of what they want for Christmas for the grandparents and relatives.  As each gift is purchased, we will add purchased to the comment for the picture.  I'm still working on my Christmas Spirit board."

Facebook Momma - "Will you stop hitting your brother long enough for me to take and post a picture of our perfect family!"

What type of Momma are you?

WTF Fast Food Style

During our Christmas shopping, we've had to bite the bullet and come to fast food every once in a while.  And as usual, there were a few WTF moments in those drive through lines.

"I would like a cheeseburger.  Plain, nothing on it."
We got two buns.

Standing in a McDonalds we heard a customer say,
"I would like a cheese burger but can you hold the cheese?"

McDonalds is advertising an Xbox One.  My son says as we pull into the drive thru,
"Can you order us an Xbox One?"

The size of the fries in the childrens happy meal - WTF?

"The Suicide" when you take your drink and mix all the different soft drinks together.  Oh yes, and take one from the man by not putting ICE in it.

My coffee has a caution on the cup, "This coffee is HOT."  It'd better me.

Having to go around the drive thru again, to explain to the person that we got ANOTHER Shrek in our Happy Meal and we were really looking for Fiona!

And finally, getting caught walking out of McDonalds with your McFlurry by your personal trainer.

WTF?

WTF - Duluth Firehose Work Pants?

Obviously a man wrote this ad because:

They are called FIREHOSE pants - but they are not for firemen - what hose?

And they are strong enough to hold off an angry beaver - anyone else see something in this?

Keep YOUR firehose protected from the Beaver by buying these!!

WTF - Holiday Gift Giving Edition

As we all know and several are breathing in a bag over - Christmas is less that two weeks away!  I thought I would share some great WTF gifts for your shopping pleasure!

Let's start with the decorations:  These are perfect.

The inflatable Christmas Wreath - perfect for the family expecting Granpa visiting and his hemmroidal problems.  This is a multi use decoration - wreath by day hemmroid pillow by night!

Who in the family doesn't like bacon?  How about bacon stockings!  That way they are still happy if they get coal, then can just cook the stockings using it!

Finally in preparation for the season, the perfect traveling pillow for that long plane ride.  The Farting Elf Neck Pillow!  It is the perfect way to ensure the seat next to you on that bus or train or plane will remain OPEN!

Now to Christmas Day:

For the outdoorsman in your life - think about the Noggin Net!  It's a hat, it's a fishing net.  Luckily the instructions that come with it include the warning to not use it as a hat when there is a fish or shark in the net.  

Think about it, 

"Earle, I got ONE!"

"Dang, I forgot the net!"

"Don't worry use my NOGGIN NET!"

"WTF?"

"Got it!"

Sounds of Earle and Darryl killing the fish.

"Gimme my hat back, my head is burning."

2 hours later

"Something smells fishy?"

You could always buy them the Birthing Doll see click here

Or if you're like me, you could always buy your husband this!

Picture this:

"Merry Christmas honey!"

He looks at it, "Advice, Meditations for men who have too much?"

"Just like you sweetie!"

"Is this a USED copy?"

He drops the book and runs to wash his hands.

Which may necessitate this gift for yourself - because you should always buy at least ONE thing for yourself!

 Happy Holidays from That Grey Area - may you enjoy all the sights, smells and chaos from a nice xanax induced fog.

What would you add to the list?

Gingerbread Men - Nailed it!

So our yearly tradition of making gingerbread men,

How I picture it in my mind:

 I think we nailed it, don't you?

Of course, the pinterest picture of the cookies

Definitely nailed that one!

Oh yeah, we should be bakers!

Kids, I need you to wait until after dinner to eat the cookies.

Yep nailed that one too!

Christmas Carols - That Grey Area Style

Chest Nuts roasting on an open fire.
Cause someone left the toilet seat up.
"I'm sorry," being sung by a choir
As they pull her to stand up!

Everybody knows, a simple, "I'll wash clothes,"
Help to make the season bright,
Angry Moms stepping on tiny legos
Will find it hard to walk tonight.

They know that Mom's really pissed off,
She's  loaded with punishments on the way.
And every child is gonna cry.

To see if that will make Momma sigh?

And so, I'm offering you this simple idea,
To kids that want to live past 22
Alto, It's been said, many times, many ways.
"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you."

"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you!"

WTF - Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign....

Call my car the Mommobile, the Kidcar, the TestosteroneTaxi, I spend a lot of time roaming around Winston Salem and have come across my share of signs that usually have me shaking my head saying, "WTF?"

There's a strip bar off of 52 by our house.  OK, I'd better clarify that it is FAR away from our house.  But I just passed it and the sign said, "Now hiring smiling faces."

Wait a minute - do you guys REALLY look to see if they are smiling?  Or is that some kind of code?

Picture Earl and Stanley sitting while Shirley is showing her experience:

"Earl, is she smiling?  Earl?"
"What?"
"Smiling, we're hiring smiling face, EARL!"
"What?"

Then, on the way to my son's elementary school, there's a BAR---OK the bar is FAR away from the elementary school, but close to the church (we are in North Carolina) and the name, get this

is Benders.

There's no guessing what people are doing at that bar.  It's call Benders with a sign that says, "We accept brown bags."

So I'm thinking of the conversation:

"Sheila, I've had one helluva week at work, let's go out for a drink."

"How about the Winston Salem Social Club, Angela?"

"Oh no, tonight is a night for Benders."



Another sign that had me wondering was a local garage:

"Free brake check."

It makes me think, if they are coming in for a brake check, then everyone better jump out of the way because the car will keep going and take the back of the garage out.

A few favorites along the way:
Did you know Taco Bell was hiring all shits?
And an art gallery said, "Don't touch yourself, let us do it for you."
My son's favorite, "McDonald's juicy black anus burger."

Finally, my Favorite sign is in a little town.  There's a deli and a store called B.J's Fine Apparel.  Yes, you can all laugh about the B.J's fine apparel but someone typed up a sign and left it in front of the deli.

"This parking is for the deli only.  Parking for B.J's is behind their building."

After I stopped peeing myself laughing, I simply shook my head and said, "What the Friday?"

Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

WTF - Birth Doll?

OK, I am very excited about a new addition to the Melang EXTENDED family - Hendrix Westmoreland.  And I am really glad that many parents are enlightened.  As a writer for Forsyth Family Magazine, I get emails for products to test for our readers - families.

Enter the Birth Doll - a doll that shows the process of birth so children can understand at an early age.  The doll advertised allows Momma to explain to little Henry how he was born naturally, while his sister was born by C-Section.

 Where do I begin?  First of all both of the dolls have mothers that look like they are on drugs - and believe me after my two experiences with child birth - drugs are a good thing!

Then I think about my young child playing with these dolls:

Your child starts playing with the doll by pulling the baby out of the Momma and the cord is stuck - well of course they continue to pull it?  Would I say, "Yes, that's the way I remember it?"  Or would I coach the inner doctor in them, "you must coach the baby out gently."

And what if they start shoving the baby back up the Momma?  Would I say, "No honey, once you were ready to be born, I was more for pulling the baby out that shoving back in.  And a lot of you, once you start working for a living would probably wish you could get shoved back in?"  or do I say what I am really thinking, "Out or in - make a decision."

Of course, my son pulls the baby out and tosses him to the side.  This makes me think of his little brother.

What they did not get in the dolls correct - is this:
the pained look on their face.
The boobs the size of NFL footballs
The baby should be the side of a NFL football because this is what it feels you are passing.
the husband standing there saying, "Push!"  Until the wife yells, "SHUT UP!"
and the biggest problem?

Everyone is quiet.  No one is quiet in the birthing room.

So no, I think came up with a better way to educate my children about the birthing process -

Take them to the local farm, where in one day:
We explained why the one horse "really likes" the other horse.
They watched a hen vent an egg with horror.
The cute baby lamb with the umbilical cord hanging from it
To the back of the sheep that gave birth.

Believe me, I think this was the best birth control lesson ever taught.

I'm taking them back when they turn 13.

Have you seen this doll?

WTF - Brookstone how could you?

No, that is not a bullet you see but the Buzz Pinpoint Mini Personal Massager from Brookstone.

Is it just me or do you see a mini dildo too?  And is their advertisement saying it is?

From the Brookstone Catalog:

They say you can use this to target TIGHT muscles?  Uh huh.

It is a PERSONAL massager with DEEP, SOOTHING Vibration- oh yeah.

Anytime you need it and fits in a


Briefcase - "why did Carly just lock her office door?"

purse - "Honey, that's not lipstick, I don't think you want to touch that."

gym bag - "Harold your gym bag is vibrating?  What? It's a massager?  Why do you have that in men's locker room?"

And then of course for our busy generation - it's a ONE button tool, so you only need to use one hand - perfect for mothers who are using the other hand holding the bathroom door shut.

There is a disclaimer that you should not use the massager if you are pregnant - shouldn't they clarify it is the perfect Christmas gift for Dad if Mom is pregnant?

Or on a pacemaker - would it cause your blood flow to change pulling too much away from your heart?

So if you are thinking of the perfect gift - think about the mini massager, better yet slip it into their stocking and let them explain to the children exactly what it is.

At least Brookstone believes in modesty.  Batteries are not included so they can put it out on display in the store and not have anyone use it.

Run do not walk to your mini massager, me?  I'm looking at the blue one - that way I remember which is my lipstick tubes and which is my, well, happy piece.

Oh and yes, he has the Victoria's Secret Catalog and now I have the Brookstone catalog.

Thank you Brookstone.

It's the Little Things In Life

Saturday, and there are too many things we COULD do.  But there are a few little things that we DO do, it's the little things that matter.



The refrigerator light - it helps me find the olives in the back of the fridge so my vodka doesn't get lonely.

A walk for a dog - they don't care that it's around the block for the 19675th time, it's a walk for the dog.

Money in the laundry pockets or freshly laundered money - what Momma finds, Momma keeps!

A good run - not long, not hard, but simply good.

Standing in the middle of the woods by yourself - who cares if anyone hears the trees - as a Mom you are standing by yourself in the middle of the woods!

Reading a good romance novel - especially THAT part when you are by yourself with chocolate and a cup of coffee, oh wait, that never happens.  Reading a romance novel that is.

When everyone falls asleep early - and you ARE alone with that romance novel and that cup of coffee.

Forgetting you bought chocolate at the store then pulling it out of the bag.

Waking up later in the morning than expected - then running to check if your children are still alive --- and they are.

Find the right spot.  And sticking with it.

Realizing at the end of a day that you did absolutely nothing - and not regretting it.

Hitting the perfect place in a novel - either writing it or reading it - when you forget everything except the words on the page.

Exact change in your car when you are buying something off the dollar menu at a fast food joint.

It's the little things in life that when put together add up to some pretty big things.  Take some time with the little things like telling the people you love them, saying thank you, and sitting quietly with a cup of coffee and that romance novel.

What would you add to the list?

WTF - Warning Labels

There are signs everywhere in life, things that make you stop and think - Hmmm, other's, like this recurring headache I've had for the past two weeks a subtle hint by my body to start eating clean again, and that yes, dark chocolate is good for your body, just not a whole bar of it in one sitting.



A few signs make me wonder who was the first.

The Preparation H cream - with the big warning that it is not for oral use.

Picture it:

Shirley:  "That botox shot they gave me in my lips, well it was a little bit too much.  I look like I've got two balloons on my face."
Darryl (sitting on the toilet) "Try this, Preparation H stuff, it says it shrinks swollen tissue and provides relief.  Perfect.
Shirley"  "Aw honey, you are always thinking out for me."

Shirley, 15 minutes later looking like she is in a permanent kiss - "Honey, we may need to stop by the urgent care on the way to work."

The next one that comes to mind is the box of Viagra.  It clearly states, "For oral use only"

My imagination gets the best of me again.

Daryl:  "Shirley, did you fill that prescription for Viagra?  We have date night tonight right?'
Shirley:  "Yes, baby.  It's right here in my purse."

15 minutes goes by.

Daryl: "Shirley, I need you in here."

Shirley enters the bathroom, Daryl is standing by the toilet with the open box on the table.

"It doesn't fit."
Shirley looks at him: "What doesn't fit?"
Daryl looked at her like she is stupid, "The pill."
Shirley looks at him like he is stupid, "All you have to do is swallow it.  It can't be that big."
Daryl turns white, "We may need to go to the emergency room.
Shirley looks at him, "It's going to take way too long to take effect in there.  Let me see if I can get it out."

The scary part about all of this is that these warnings are on the boxes FOR A REASON.  There was that first person that sued McDonald's because they were not told the coffee was HOT.  If someone has done it, then some lawyer found out about it and someone paid for it - along with a new warning label. So look at the products you use:

Warning!  Do not hold wrong end of the chainsaw.
Warning!  This medicine is for animal use only - DO NOT use on children.
Warning!  This barbed wire fence contains sharp edges.
Warning!  Do not touch electric fence when turned on.
Warning!  Do not use thermometer orally after using rectally.

We could just let Darwin's theory play itself out.  Just go ahead and take all the warning labels off products and see who survives.

Bet it will be the lawyers.

Have you seen WTF warning labels?

Lessons Learned from Sharknado

I am so excited that Sharknado is finally on Netflix!  I want to watch it again without commercials to see if I really saw the movie I saw, or it was just a delightful part of my imagination.  The first time i watched Sharknado, I don't know if I enjoyed the Twitter feed or the actual movie more

I learned a few lessons from watching this movie:

Always be prepared - yes, you can use the bar stool to keep the Great White from eating your leg.  And yes, don't question that for some reason in the corner of the port a potty you've hidden yourself in from the raining of sharks, there's a rifle, with ammo.  Just use it.  And the McGyver guy that wants to use a toothpick, paper clip and Gameboy to take over the brain of the shark?

Don't question.  He will save your life.

Do not wear a bikini - sharks seem to be drawn to this and will try to rip the top off of you.  Or wait, you have the great body - wear the bikini and show it off for everyone.

If you are single, be very very afraid.  Single people have this special sweetness in their blood that draw the shark.  It's because married people are already bitter and it shows in their blood.

Hang out with the little kids - they always know where to hide.  Sure you may not fit and will get eaten anyway (because you are single) but it's always worth a try.

For some reason chainsaws do not kill sharks.  They kill everyone else in every slasher movie I've ever seen, but will not work on the shark - neither will the baseball bat, the hatchet or the RPG - the flamethrower?  A possibility but that usually means there's a burning shark coming back for one more CHOMP.

If you are told to RUN, then RUN!  Why do they always stop and LOOK BACK?  Sodom should have taught us when they turned to stone, have we not learned.  And remember these sharks can move in a puddle created from washing your car.  If someone says RUN, then RUN.

Finally, there isn't a single problem with our water system.  The sharks are healthy and coming out of the sewer pipes, out of the toilet AND out of the garden hoses, don't worry about drinkability of our water we are going to be just time.

Sharknado was such a cerebral undertaking that the subtle messages should be noted.  Take a minute to watching this piece of cinema history and formulate your own opinions.  We'll meet up again when they finish filming Octopusnado!

What would you add to the list?

Occum's Razor - Keep It Simple Stupeed

Occum's Razor - attributed to 14th century monk, William of Occam states that the simplest answer is often the correct answer.  We, as human beings, tend to overcomplicate things to achieve an answer.

No duh.

But with boys everything gets complicated until I use Occum's Razor on my kids.

Homework - they ask me the questions as I look at math problems that seem more a work of contemporary art rather than something that actually has an answer.  After an hour of me trying to figure it out while they EXPLAIN it to me, the answer is simple.

Google that shit.

Get Outside - I can go over all the reason why they should be outdoors to play, the fresh air, the muscles in their body, the pictures of fat people of Walmart on the Internet.  But that's too complicated, it's simple.

Take away the electronics.

Clean the room - I have shown them petri dishes with a swab of the floor of their room.  Stood a towel up showing that it actually stands on its own, explained the threat of disease from the rodents attracted to the room.  But to get them to clean it?  It is simple.

Shut the door.  Once it get to a point where THEY can't stand it - it actually gets clean.

It is simple, the answer that is.  But when boys are confronted with a problem that has two solutions - one that is simple and doesn't require any work, or another that is complicated and requires removing various tools from Daddy's toolbar for use, then conveniently forgetting them somewhere.

It's simple, they choose the complicated one.

Aristotle once said, "Nature operates in the shortest way possible."

Why can't boys?

WTF - What the Friday...Passwords

I did not realize that terrorists were threatening our electric power bill payment system, because it's harder to pay my electric bill than it is to sign into my checking account.



Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must change your password every 3 months."
Me:  "Why, I'll never remember it.  OK let me us the other one I always use."
Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must use a password that include an anagram of the word 'DUKE POWER' atleast three numbers AND one capital letter."
Me:  "OK, here ya go."

Three days later, I receive a notice that I need to pay my electric bill.  Didn't I pay that earlier?

Computer:  "I'm sorry, you changed your password two days ago, please enter new one."
Me:  "Hmm, which account is this, what did I use?"
Computer:  "Would you like a security question?"
Me:  "Yes, ask me a question then let me in to pay my bill."
Computer, "Your security question is, you changed your password two days ago, do you remember what it is?"
Me: "No, that's why I am trying the security question."
COmputer: "Passwords include anagrams of DUKE POWER three numbers and one uppercase letter, now do you remember your password?"
ME: "WTH?"

Put on my thinking cap,
ME:  "Is my password PestKUDE11K0?"
Computer:  "Nope but that's a pretty good password."

Me, thinking maybe I was drinking wine when I changed the password because that changes the possibilities.

ME:  "Is my password Ih8teDUKEp0w3r?"
Computer:  "No, that is not your password, you changed it three days ago?"
ME:  "Is my password DUKEPOWERSUX99TIMES?"

Computer:  "That's not funny, you have been locked out of the system please call our 800 number to reset your password and pay your bill.

Me, dialing 1-800-H8T-DUKE

DUKE POWER:  "Welcome to Duke Power please enter your password using your phone keypad to continue."

Somewhere, some terrorist is sitting at a computer laughed, "Darryl, we will take over the world one electric company bill at a time!  Soon everyone will have NO POWER!  BUWAHAHAHA!"

Is Love An Idea

My youngest now enjoys sitting under my desk, with the heater blasting on him during our quiet time together in the mornings.  He looked over at a book I was reading and mention, "You know Mom, Creative is not  a verb, it is an adjective."  I stopped what I was writing, "Well, for this book it is."  He shrugged and continued playing as I wrote in the quiet.

"You know Mom," he said.

A small part of me was annoyed because I was mid thought and as you get older you have to hold onto any thought you can because one second of change and they are gone.  But I reminded myself that this was our time together, "Yeah?"

"Love isn't really a verb either.  I think Love is a noun.  It's an idea."

My fingers froze on the keyboard as I thought about this.  Is it an idea, and when you find this idea, what do you do with it?  Is it those ideas that come in one ear and out the other, life being too busy for you take time and let it take hold?  Am I doing that these mornings, should I stop what I am doing and sit with him?  Or is the fact of us sitting together enjoying the quiet of the morning enough?

Did my love for my husband start as an idea?  I remember the feelings when I first met him, the quickening of my heart, the always wanting to be together.  Were those just feelings or did I flesh out an idea as we built our lives together, one step at a time.

An idea is a thought or purpose as to a specific course of action.  And when we fall in love, we know that course, that we are building a life together complete with the times that are difficult.  You can be in love with idea or you can run with the idea - making it real with the hard work it takes to make things happen.

If love is an idea, ideas requires creativity.  You mind must not only be open but it must be active for love to survive.  And being in a creative moment means losing yourself to it, just like being in love requires you to lose yourself in it.

I love the idea of love.  There is so many ideas in love.
The idea to wrap your fingers around a child's hand because they quietly reached over to you.
The idea that sometimes sitting and saying nothing is better than giving any type of advice.
The idea to take a walk and cool off rather than speaking what is on your mind.
The idea to let go, say goodbye, and let them feel peace as they move on.

So if love started as an idea, it's a pretty damn good one, and one that I think we all need to carry on.

Do you think Love is a Idea?

WTF - What the Friday - Halloween Style

It's Friday and we survived another Halloween - even if my thighs feel another inch bigger after the binge on candy.  But during out trick or treating we has several WTF moments.

Whoppers - seriously, who gives out these things?  NOBODY likes them.  NOBODY.  I am tempted to egg your house for giving out handfuls of these.  Perhaps you are a dentist and figure no one's going to eat them so you're saving teeth in a covert kind of way.

Warners - these are the great parents that say, "Watch out, someone is going to jump out from behind that tree."  In my case, I worked hard to stay still holding that bucket of candy, waiting for them to get

close to jump up and offer candy.  Who are you?  The Lone Ranger?  The whole point of Halloween is to scare people - and you ARE RUINING IT!  Oh, and the next time you come, I'm hiding from you and scaring you FIRST!

Non dressers - no you do not look like a hoodlum.  No you cannot get candy if you are dressed up as yourself.  You may think you're pretty cool but no, it's not cutting it.  Period.

Fun Size - this is the biggest WTF.  Why do you call little bars the FUN size?  They are not fun?  They are little?  They should be called the Torture Size?  Or Starter Size because we all know you're going to eat the whole bag after that first Fun Size, right?

Wrappers - candy wrappers should be designed to spontaneously combust after 15 minutes when separated from the piece of candy.  This would make a lot of Moms happy and not thinking, "WTF" when they come downstairs the next morning to a mess on the floor.

Do Gooders - seriously.  It is Halloween.  Give out candy.  Floss?  Apples?  Pretzels (well, OK we did dip them in melted chocolate and eat them)  Give us one day when we can indulge in sugar and not feel guilty.  Plus you know everyone throws away the apples because of the possibility of razors in them.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween, I did.  I scared a bunch of little children and in my world, that's awesome.  Keep this list handy so you don't make any of these blunders next year.

What's your WTF for Halloween?

Grade Mom - who's idea was this?

I've been asked to be the Grade Mom by my 9 year old.  He did it after two glasses of wine, that sneaky kid!  So here is why he asked:

We have Fall (I am not allowed to say Halloween) treat bags for the last day of the quarter.  Like a good grade parent, I sent out the call for trinkets (I was trying to be responsible) for the bags.  Obviously all the parents must have good dental insurance (which I pay cash for) because the pile of candy that came in was astounding!  Here's why my son wanted this job.

"This bag says there are 30 pieces.  There are 23 kids in the class," he says.
"That AG math is paying off," I reply.
"I'm just going to eat the other 7 so everyone gets one, OK."

"This one is 140 pieces and since 23 goes into 6 times, I'm going to count those out and hold on to the rest."

Do you see a trend here?

"Look this bag is 3.5 POUNDS of candy, do you want me to count it out in groups of 23 - it is a good math exercise."

So he uses his Math skills, separates it all out.  Then leaves it in big piles all over the kitchen for ME to put in our candy bags.

Ten minutes later.

"We have too much candy, it's not fitting in the bags I bought."

My son smiles devilishly.



Oh and to that OTHER Grade Mom who's making Rainbow Loom bracelets out of the school colors for the class - well, you suck!  Especially when everyone in my class will have their teeth falling out saying, "Why didn't we get a bracelet?"