WTF - Mom vs. Zit

Day 1 - Son walks into the kitchen, "Mom, I have a zit. What do I do?"

Me, "Just leave it alone, and it will go away. You can't even see it."

He walks to the bathroom, looks in the mirror, "How can you not see it?  It's right there!  It is so red!"

Me, "Honey, just leave it alone and it will go away."

Zit - 1   Mom - 0

Day 2 - Son walks back into the kitchen holding a towel to his face.

Me, "Why do you have a towel on your face?"

He moves the towel.

Other child, "What is that on your face?"

Me, after a long pause, "I told you not to touch it. Leave it alone. It's red because you fooled with it and now it is irritated."

Not the most pleasant morning ride to school.

Zit - 2   Mom - 0  Brother - 1

Day 3 - Son walks into the kitchen, dares us to say anything.

His brother and I are silent. I sip coffee, brother stares at bowl of cereal.

Me, "Your hair looks nice."

Zit-3  Mom - 0

Day 4 - Picking son up from school, "How was your day?"

Son, "Dressed up today, thought someone would notice but all they mentioned was the volcano on my face."

Me, "Leave it alone and it will go away.  Stop touching it."

Zit - 4   Mom - 0

Day 5 - Son walks into the kitchen.

Me, "Might as well give it a name. The more you touch it the longer it is staying."

Other child, "How about Steve?"

Zit - 5  Mom - 0  Brother - 2

Day 6 - Son walks into the kitchen, "Look!  It is going away."

The heavens open up, we hear angels singing.

Me, "I told you if you leave it alone it would go away."

Zit - 5  Mom - 1

WTF - Busted by SnapChat

My kids informed me that SnapChat is the latest and greatest thing. SnapChat is an app that lets your pictures show for 30 seconds then they disappear.

Of course, I had to see what the deal was.  I created my SnapChat account, both boys telling me I was lame naming it, "kelmelang" suggesting I should name it something more jazzy.

Luv2Rite?
BiggyMomma
HawtStfufMomma

I embarrassed them enough that they both quickly agreed kelmelang was the perfect name.

Soon after creating the account, 3 friends found me.  I had friends!

They sent me witty selfies adding text and drawings to them making me laugh!

I fixed my hair, pinched a little color in my cheeks and sent out that selfie.

Nobody responded.

My three friends sent a few more selfies to me, 

I replied with the wittiest selfie back, laughing as I added the text.

Crickets from my 3 SnapChat friends.

"Why don't my 3 friends reply to my SnapChats?" I ask techie child.

"Are you replying to their chats?" He asks, looking at my account.

"Yes, I'm just as witty back. You know I am hilarious. There is something wrong with my SnapChat."

He looks again, takes a quick picture, "Looks like it is working. Where are you sending your pictures?"

"To my story of course," I say, "It is MY story."

"Mom, nobody looks at your story. You have to send it directly back to them." He says rolling his eyes.

"Well then, why have My Story?" I ask.

I apologize to my three friends, explaining my SnapChat "fail" according to my kids now we're snap chatting away.

Which brings me to the SnapChat bust! 

One of my friends' child is not supposed to have a SnapChat account, according to his mom.

We're having coffee, and I say, "Hey you know, Dirk sent me a friend request on SnapChat."

She stops with coffee halfway to her lips, "Really? He's not supposed to have a Snap Chat account."

I look at my phone, then over to her.

"Let's send a picture of us to his SnapChat account!"

Her devious smile is my answer.

We send the picture.

Funny, I'm not friends with him anymore. Wonder why?

B-b-b-usted!

***

Here's what I am asking my children with SnapChat, you may want to ask yours.

Can someone screen shot your picture during that 30 seconds  it is up, or does SnapChat prevent this?

Do you know all the people you are chatting with? If you don't, you need to delete them.

If you were to apply for a job, what would they find researching you online?

Where do the pictures go? To a SnapChat server? How do you know they are deleted after they disappear from your phone?

I then show them the news stories about foolish children sending pictures to SnapChat thinking the recipient will keep them discreet, however, the recipient does not!

Of course, I get the rolling of the eyes, but I'm hoping that some of it sinks in, we all remember Anthony Weiner, and the phrase, "Don't tweet the meat!"

What lecture do you give? Are you savvy with the technology your children are using? Do you look at their phone periodically?

WTF - Porn on the Skilift and Ladies Day - Coincidence?

Dayum, really people, I know snow is exciting, but really?  This is my convo's with some dude on the ski lift.

Was it coincidence that he ended up on the same chair as me? I'm not so sure.

First ride:

"Ooooh, wow, yes, yes, yes!!!!"

I look over making sure there isn't someone on the chair in between us. Then I look down making sure all my assets are covered by protective clothing.

Ignore him, he's crazy, I tell myself.

Second ride up, he's with me again!

"The snow! It's like busting a load out there. I don't know what to do, wipe my face in the powder or ski it!"

My mouth hangs, then I notice the Florida Gators coat - wide open - the rental skis, and of course the jeans.

Ignore him, he's from Florida.

Next life ride, no kidding, is the dude waiting at the bottom until he sees my red coat?

"I'm going for the black one, I'm not sure if I should pull the trigger !"

I just nod and go back to wondering what black one?

Next ride later, I don't even look figuring he is next to me!

"I just busted a load on White Lightning! I swear it was the best experience of my life!"

I'm afraid to even acknowledge him, of course as I steal a look his way, noticing he is covered head to foot in white powder. No, not cocaine, but snow!  I realize he is talking about an epic wipe out!

I get my own chair this time on the life, in an odd sort of way, I actually miss the chap.

But he's back for the next one, wiping off his goggles, "Damn, someone needs to keep all this stuff from squirting on my goggles, I'd wipe it but it looks sticky. Does this look sticky to you?"

I turn back to my phone thinking maybe he will leave me alone if he thinks I am texting or in his mind sexting someone something.

He puts his goggles on and says, "I think goggle makes everything look bigger. Put yours on and take a look at me. Do I look bigger?"

I don't put on my goggles because with a mind hitting the gutter at 0-60 I'm not even going to acknowledge him.

Finally on the last lift ride up, I'm alone with a big sigh, until he one skis it into to catch the chair with me just as we go through the door.

"He adjusts his snow covered goggles, then shakes the snow off of his hat, looking over to me, "I've seen you before. Do you dance?"

I look at him, really?  "No, I live up here. We've been riding the lift together. My legs are tired, I think this is it for me."

He looks at me and smiles, "I can see how fresh powder between your legs can make them weak. I've rented a place for the weekend, maybe I'll see you around."

I dump him quickly at the top of the mountain.

Not any time soon,  my friend.  Changing jackets as we speak!

***

In case you missed it, this and other great lift conversations are in my book:

Views From 5506

See you on the slopes!

WTF - Keeping It Real and Keeping It Safe

Some mornings you just have to love your Facebook feed, two stories completely related right next to each other!



The First was this story about a woman asking firemen to remove a chastity belt.  Why am I talking about this story?  Here's some of the details:

One story said she was 60 years old and wore the belt to stay pure.  Honey, you are sixty, is staying pure so high on the list? Could leather and steel really be comfortable for that long?

Then it said, she walked into the station wearing the belt. With anything else?  What were the firemen thinking when she said, "I need help breaking the lock on my Chastity belt."

Why did she need help breaking the lock?  Well, she lost the key.  Wow, there are lyrics to a good Country Music song in there, but then think about it - she was sixty. I've been losing my phone since my early teens? A tiny Chastity belt key?

Of course I did search whether or not these things were still for real, and in case you need one, well, here ya go!  CLICK HERE.  I may be a little worried about the one review mentioning the key broke the first time they tried it in the lock. At least the fire station is only 5 minutes away.

Upon my search, chastity belts run from 6.59 to over 400 dollars. I can see a younger version of me, say, like 59 years old saying, "Honey, I'm sorry. I have a chastity belt on, but don't worry, I bought the cheap one only 6.59!"

Of course perhaps I could use the belt, "Honey, you said you would fix the drain on the sink in the bathroom, well, I lost my key down there."

***

Then I scroll down to the product I'll actually use.  This lock doesn't have a key, it has an APP!  Controlled by your phone, who needs keeping up with a key.

Who am I kidding, I think my chastity went by the way of the dinosaur legions ago.

Then I think, I really could use this product. 

Easy locking.
Controlled by a phone app so no lost keys, I only lose my phone occasionally
Keeps everything safe
Lifetime guarantee!!!

The App is designed for you to set a goal before you reward yourself, you could could set a goal of cleaning house for 1 hour, or maybe putting in 10,000 steps, or maybe finishing that book!

You know you want it too!  Click here for this amazing product!

Yes, the smart cookie jar!  Tuck away the cookies, the candy (Not the chastity belt candy) the TV remote, the KY, the gaming controller until you app tells you the coast is clear.

At least we don't have to get the fire department involved with this one.

Unless they have a sweet tooth like me.

WTF - How to piss off your children edition

Don't get me wrong I love my children. But yesterday I played race car driver up and down Beech Mountain, so many times the police stopped me in front of Jackalopes asking if I was casing the joint!  Forgotten backpacks, forgotten homework, forgotten lunch boxes. I figured it was time for me to get back at them.  Here's some of my devious plans!!

Hide their chargers. Make sure you hide yours because you know they'll steal it.

Throw their clean clothes on the bed with their dirty clothes.  Never mind, they won't know the difference.  Take their favorite pair of jeans and hide them.

Make comments on all their Instagram photos. Something like, "Honey, you don't look as husky in that Throw Back Picture. Put up the one in the Husky Jeans!"

Ask them in front of their friends, "What's that song by New Direction you like?"

Tell them you left very important instructions on the counter at home.  Write them in cursive.

Screw up their language, "Wow, this lasagna is sick! Oh my God, your Dad was KILLIN IT with his bean recipe!"

Pick them up from school wearing their favorite beanie. ('cause we all know you can't fit in their jeans)

If they forget something, walk into the school in your Christmas PJs and braless sweatshirt, then wait for them!  When they act like they don't know you, wave and yell, "Sweetie!  I have your backpack!" (Guarantee they will NEVER forget it again!)

Call your son, "DUDE!"

Purposely mess up the names of their tricks, "Was that a 196 with a 327 back flip on the side bar?"  Or "Are you going to try the Beef Stroganoff with a Side of Gravy today?"

Purposely put baby food in their school lunch, things like Lunchables, tube apple sauce, Go Gurts and of course their favorite Jello pudding!  Don't forget to add the Fruitables box juice!  Better yet, put in your Prune Juice Smoothie with a note, "This will help make you regular sweetie!"

Change their ring tone to Back In Time by Pitbull or "Hopelessly Devoted by Olivia Newton John.

Send your picture to their Snapchat story. (Yeah kids, we parents know about Snapchat, we are hip!)

Turn your radio up and sing Open Arms by Journey as loud as you can as you pull up in the Carpool line.

And the best way to piss off your kids?

Tell them you signed up to chaperone the school dance

 or better yet.....

Smile and say, "Honey, we get to spend ALL DAY together! I signed up the chaperone your school field trip! Isn't that great?"

Can't you feel the love from their death stares?  I can.

What would you add?

WTF - Date Night

Moving into the realm of dating. No, not for me but my boys are now noticing girls, which means, girlfriends, which means dating.

This is all new to me.  I mean I've been out of the dating world for over 30 years, I've honestly forgotten the dating things. Especially the "before you can drive" dating thing.

So I reach back to my memories, how my Mom would drive us to the movies and drop us there, or over to "Mickey D's" or waiting out in front of the roller skating rink while I waited for the "We're gonna slow things down so go ahead and pick a partner" songs to come on.  Remember the couples skates?

Ahhh, dating.

I start with picking up the girlfriend and they've chosen a movie, but the movie doesn't start for another hour. Do we stay in the car and stare at each other for an hour?

Enter your best standby in the world of parents.

The mall.

Perfect because they can walk around, I can sit in the food court, go hit the office supply store or better yet, Dicks Sporting Goods! Coming from a very small town, it is rare I can hit a Dick's Sporting Goods or a Target!

They disappear for an hour while I shop, sip on a coffee and peruse sports bras.

One thing I did forget when doing the mall thing, it could get expensive. Don't worry honey, it was all on SALE!

Next comes dropping them off at the movie theater. Make sure your movie theater is near the mall, because you don't want to kill two hours sitting in the car reading a book. Unfortunately the theater wasn't big enough for the three of us, and I couldn't find a romantic comedy at the same time. I got lucky and found the used book store. (We're gonna need a bigger book shelf)

After the movie comes dinner, again, make sure you are in a densely populated area if possible. That way I dropped them off at Olive Garden, crossed the street and hit Bonefish, my favorite restaurant. Of course I had my binoculars with me so I could stalk their dinner date.

So I sit at the bar, with my new books, a large plate of Saucy Shrimp and Ahi Tuna in front of me,  relaxing.

Until this dude decides this single lady at the bar looking pretty happy with her books and food must be looking for a date.

"Well hey there, what are you reading?" (Is that today's pickup lines?)

 I look at him, smiling, and in my best "Mom" voice, say,

"Seriously, I'm not out looking. I'm killing time while my son is on a date."

He looks at me as if I am crazy, then I guess using the words "son" and "date" scared the poor guy because he ended up three chairs down from me, intensely concentrating on his plate of food.

So if you are taking the kids out on a date, make sure it's a relaxing date for you as well. Hit the bookstore, walk the mall, read those books and by all means, include a nice meal.

What do you do to kill the time while your "not old enough to drive" kids are out on a date?

What Happens On The Chairlift, Stays on The Chairlift.

Here's an excerpt from my book Views From 5506 about what NOT to say in the chairlift. Thought I would share this part based on my experiences today!

"On one of my chairlift rides to the top, a very sweet old man jumped on the chair next to me, as we were riding up, looked at me with a wicked smile and said, “Is it windy today or are you just blowing me away?”

Ugh.

You may plan on coming to a ski resort and meeting the love of your life, I thought I’d share with you how to scare them away.

Stare at the person next to you without saying a word, the entire ride from the bottom to the top.

Ask if the guy next to you has eaten or needs money. The worn out, almost in tatters ski gear look is a local “ain’t nobody got time for matching” clothes, that’s usually the tourists."

***

I realized today that MAYBE I am getting a little older because my chairlift today conversation included:

"I think I broke my....."

"So really did those hormone pills work for you?  Did it tighten everything back up?"

"Yeah, I've found if you open the window the cold air at night keeps the hot flashes away."

"Swingers?  Who has the time or energy to be a Swinger?"

"I thought about cross country skiing, but man, that looks like way too much work!

"This year he ACTUALLY was up to kiss me on New Years Eve, those 5 Hour Energies really work!"

Maybe today I'll get back to skiing and talking about skiing, but I really wanted to get that recipe for Prune Juice Smoothie, and someone promised me they'd write down that doctor's name.

Thinking of a funny read?  How about Views From 5506?  

You can order it from Amazon HERE

WTF - If I woke up a man....

If I woke up with a penis,  I would be different, I mean do things differently:

I wouldn't stick it anywhere it doesn't belong.

I wouldn't brag about it to my friends.

I wouldn't be checking if it is still there on a regular basis.  Or maybe I would.  Because I could grab it whenever I want.

I wouldn't find references to it any chance I could.

I would never name it.  No Puff, the One Eyed Dragon, or Meat Hammer, or Definitely NOT Tiny Flute.

I wouldn't even use the Dicktionary, really, I had to go there.

I wouldn't be a dick about having a dick.

I wouldn't wear tight clothes accentuating what I already know.

I guess I would have a ball, or maybe two.

Of course, mine would look like the statue of David, not an over 40 elderly well, um, worm.

But then the possibilities:

I'd pee outside in the woods with out a care.  The first time I didn't have to wipe with a leaf, or worst yet a poison ivy leaf (yes, we will not go there)

I'd show everyone in my family that you can actually make the toilet if you try.

I'd probably ask for a raise.

And yes, I'd probably consume a six pack of beer and go out into the snow and write....

A poem.

What did you think?


And, in case you are wondering, if you were a man, well, ummm, you can calculate your size here