There's a dumb virus going around!

There’s a slight case of dumbness going around right now, and it’s infecting everyone I know and love.  It starts with my friends, I’m in the Supermarket filling up the cart when I run into a friend doing the exact same thing, she smiles at me and says, “Hey, what are you doing here?”

I look at both of our carts full of Lunchables and fruit and boxed wine and reply, “Uh, trying to keep my family from starving?”  What does she think I’m doing?  I’m going to fill this cart up, take it to the checkout then run as fast as I can out of the store?

It moved from my grocery friends onto businesspeople, this was an actual conversation I had when the electric company for a condo I own called me to pay my electric bill.

“Can we update your billing address,” she sounded American on the phone.

I give her my address and phone number, she repeats them back, I say, “Can you tell me how much I owe or can I pay that now?”

She says, “I cannot give out that information to you.”

I’m dumbfounded, “what?  But you just put in my address and telephone number?”

“Yes.”

“But you can’t tell me how much the bill is?”

“I cannot give out that information.”

“But you can mail it to me and I can mail it back?”

“Yes.”

“But I cannot get that information and PAY IT over the phone?”

“Yes.”

Seriously?  Gee, you’re a freaking ELECTRIC COMPANY and I am trying to PAY YOU?  Yes, I’m part of the Terrorist Group - “Let’s pay everyone’s electric bill” Jihadists?  Still waiting on the electric bill in the mail.

Now, it’s infected my family, I tried to keep us Smart with the Wikipedia Sanitizers, the Word of the Day from the Dictionary.  We’re on our way to the mountain for some snowboarding time and my son asks, “Where are we going?”

I look over at him in the car, I want to say, “Hey idiot is there lights on up there,” but I say, “Where do you think?”

He looks dumbfounded.

So I say, “We’re heading to China to visit your cousin, Lauren.”

“Really?”  The one in the back pipes in.

Oh Lord, the dumb virus spread much quicker than I thought, wait, what was I talking about?

Nothing Like Cheap Sunglasses

If you don’t spend a lot of money on an item, you’ll always find it.  Case in point, my $2 pair of sunglasses from the Dollar Store (yeah, I know how could they be $2 at a DOLLAR store, right?) that I think are possessed.

I bought them one SUNNY afternoon when I forgot my $100 Oakleys and didn’t want to have a traffic accident.  They are a lovely white glasses with purple circles on them that at first glance could be called hideous.  Many of my friends I saw that day took a second take, not at the stylish outfit I was wearing but why I chose such an ugly pair of glasses to go with it.

The $100 pair of Oakleys?  Disappeared, the ugly pair took my cool pair and hid them from me.  Whenever the sun is shining, I reach into my purse looking for a pair of glasses and there they are, the black albatross that I put on my face.  Running out of the house, the ugly pair of glasses appear next to my car keys when I could have sworn I saw the nice pair of sunglasses on my child’s face as he walked by me.  The ugly pair is holding the cool pair hostage in some dark corner of the house-duct tapped and handcuffed.

I don’t care about fashion (that’s what makes me stylish) so I wear the Dollar Store glasses with pride hell, usually-it’s all I got, except for the one time (at band camp) they actually MATCHED what I was wearing.  Oh, I did find the Oakleys, they were in my car when I sat on them-I think the Dollar Store glasses put them there.  Buwahahah

Do you have that hideous, cheap pair of reading, I mean sunglasses that you can always find?  Or are you still holding out hope that the expensive pair will show up again?

Pinterest - sucking on that great teat of my time!

Have you been over to Pinterest yet?  I’d say don’t go because it’s one of those black hole places on the Internet that is a huge mouth that sucks all the time out of your life.  “Oh look at this beautiful picture on Pinterest, what?  It’s already Christmas again?”  Of course, I have to tell you to go to Pinterest because then you’ll see all the COOL stuff I’ve found and put on my bulletin boards.

It started, just like any other new Internet site with a little peek in there, “wow look at this, oh, I could try that recipe, hey that’s a really funny quote.”  Pinterest like all the other sites, then sucks you in my creating a username for you and before you can say Pinterest, you’ve got an account.  It doesn’t stop there, I’m sure Pinterest is out in the blogesphere shouting, “Hey!  Did you see Kelly Melang is here?”  Because, the next day I start getting emails, “So and So is following you on Pinterest,  hey, another person in following you on Pinterest.”

Sidenote here:  I must be a pretty cool person to get so many followers on Pinterest so quickly right---you didn’t hear me say that.

So with over 60 friends following me, my first thought is not, “wow that’s a lot of followers” but “Holy Crap, my Pinterest boards are EMPTY.  I gotta get some Sh*t out there, I mean my following awaits!”

Here’s the second way Pinterest sucked on the great teat of time, you can spend the rest of your lift looking for badges, or making badges to make your board look COOL!  

“Did you see that eggshell craft Maria put up on her board?”

I think, “Really, a crummy eggshell craft, didn’t you see the making your own ink and paper craft on MY board?”

My other friend, “I saw a funny quote, ‘Run like you stole it.”

“THAT’S FUNNY?  I could so shut that board down with the quotes sitting on MY favorite quotes and places board.”

So I figured that 5 Hour Energy was created to help us Pinterest freaks, it helps us through that maniacal hour of trying to find just the right pin for my “In My Mind” board that makes it PERFECT!  Buwahahahah!

So pin away friends, and if you haven’t seen Pinterest yet, get ready for the great sucking noise as you log in as time slips away, but don’t forget to check out my AWESOME board!  Are you letting Pinterest suck away on your teat of time?

A little wedding humor!

Things not to say to a bride on her wedding day

1. Honey, that dress makes your butt look big
2. When’s the baby due?
3. Is that his ex-girlfriend sitting in the church?
4. Man those shoes are tall, you don’t think you’ll trip do you?
5. Wow, I just read that one in four marriages end in divorce, but not yours!

Things not to say to a groom on his wedding day

1. Do you know where the wedding rings are?
2. Which part is that, the “Speak now…”
3. Did you hear what happened at the Bachelorette Party?
4. Dude, do you think this one will last?
5. Till Death do you part, I see her Daddy there with the shotgun

Strike While the Iron's Hot!

Trained quicker than Pavlov’s dogs, my kids can quickly smell blood in the water and they don’t circle, they go directly in for the kill.  Kill our wallets that is!  We could take them into Dick’s Sporting Goods, buy a bottle of BB’s and get out without a single whine.  They they realized that each and every store we walk into has STUFF for THEM, so they went from wanting to sit in the car and play video games to ALWAYS coming in with us!

Why?  Because Daddy has his wallet open, and when it’s open there’s a really good chance they can pull a few dollars out of it.  Case in point at the ski resort this weekend, my wonderful husband was getting his skis tuned so he went over to a shop to try out some demo skiis.  Both boys were with me getting ready when one asked, 

“Where’s Daddy?”

“He went over to Roots Ride Shop to get some demo skis,” I replied and as I turned around they were GONE!  Gone and leaving me to put out all the snow gear, open our locker and get out more equipment.  Halfway through the process all three come in with a smile on their face.

“What did you do,” I ask looking at my husband.

“You won’t believe the deal I got on these skis,” he says with a smile.

Then I notice that one child has a brand new facemask while the other is sporting some very cool gloves, “Oh, and those?”

He shrugs, “they gave us a discount.”

Now I’m trying to learn from them, if Daddy is in a store that means the wallet is opening, if the wallet is opening it’s a free for all on who gets first in line to get something new.  Just to drive the point home, after a day on the snow, he takes the skis back and buys them!  Why wasn’t I there to look at new snowboards?  

It doesn’t matter where we are:  Lowes Home Improvement - they want a soda.

Grocery Store - they each want their own bag of chips.

Gap - “who threw these pants into the buggy?”

Victoria’s Secret - the only place they said they’d wait outside the door - ALL THREE OF THEM.

So Daddy is going to have to learn to either shop by himself to save money or tell them NO when they start the minute the bell on the door tinkles.  And I’m going to pay better attention, if I see the three of them walking into a store, I’d better get over there first-my board is an antique and I’ve had the same pair of gloves for over 5 years!  Time to ride the gravy train!  Do your kids work you over in every store too?

Fashion Sense or Common Sense, which do you have?

I now understand why most old people have no fashion sense, it’s all about comfort!  When you hit that age where every question to the doctor is follow by an answer that starts with, “At your age....” you’ve moved into what I call the comfort zone.  

Most of us at this point have that significant other, so who really do we have to impress?  They’ve seen us naked (sometimes in not the most suggestive pose, the “honey, we’re out of toilet paper” suggestive pose) so why spend the money to have the most stylish wardrobe when there’s no point, you already have your man.  A friend once told me she was getting her breast implants taken out, “I have my man, I have my kids, these aren’t needed anymore, and frankly they are getting in the way.”

So when it comes to fashion sense, I’ll take common sense all the way.  Why go out in the strappy high heel shoes when it’s 15 degrees and snowing?  I’ve got the fur lined boots that are downright comfortable.  And wearing the skimpy dress out to dinner in February?  Why, when I’ll have my coat on the entire time anyway because I’m freezing my ass off.

I watched a woman who was obviously a tourist at our Ski Resort with her boyfriend.  How do I know he was her boyfriend?  Because he was walking quickly with a brochure in his hand and she was hobbling behind him in BEAUTIFUL high heeled shoes that were obviously killing her feet. (you do know that there is snow on the ground at Ski Resorts and it doesn’t work really well with high heeled shoes)  On top of that she had a VERY CUTE (not warm) vest (it is 11 degrees outside) with a shirt skirt AND no long underwear.  She’d only be suffering through the agony of that outfit if he were a boyfriend.  If they were married, one hour in our freezing temps she’d be saying, “Shit, honey, I’m freezing my ass off and my feet are killing me.  Time to pony up at the ski shop and buy me some warmth!!”  I do see married couples looking very happy walking around with big puffy shopping bags covered with the resort’s logos.

So I wear more sport bras than Wonder bras....it keeps everything gravity is trying to move around exactly where I want it and it is comfortable!  I love Spandex because I don’t have to unbutton anything and I’m comfortable after a big meal..  I’ll take the Dansko clogs over my spike heels any day, I could even sneak in an insert and then I’m really set!  

But when that family reunion rolls around, I’ll still pull out the high heels and wear them just long enough for everyone to see me looking stylish and cool, then toss them in the corner and finish dancing the night away in my bare feet.  What do you sacrifice for comfort?

Oh Block When Did You Arrive?

The blinking cursor mocks, the keyboard taunts,

The image I want to write in my mind it haunts.

To start, to put the first word is fleeting,

Like that nervous first greeting.

Will it come out right, will it come out at all.

Is it block or is this just a stall.

Am I afraid, that what finally hits is simply junk,

What if everything I write just stunk?

The easiest thing to do is walk away,

Save all that writing for a better day.

When i’m fresh, when the feeling is new,

When I can sit and know exactly what to do.

But I don’t quit, I don’t know that word,

I quell the voice and the defeat I thought I heard.

I type the first word and stare,

Knowing that to survive I must write like I don’t care.

Get it out, get it down just do what I do,

To my heart, to my self be true.

For as a writer, the hardest is the start,

For the world to see inside your heart.

Once I start  I can now continue

Opening and breathing air through a new window.

Block you beast you did you best,

Now go hide until the next time you test.

REAL Reason to Join A Gym

Just as the doors to the YMCA open at 5am there's a Who Style Concert crowd trying to get through the door first, wanting to show everyone that they are keeping their New Years Resolution to stay in shape!  Luckily I was not trampled by the stampede, I witnessed this every year at the stroke of Jan 1 only to watch over 50% of them fall off the wagon a few months later.  So luckily my new years resolution started YEARS ago has become a full out addiction that keeps me coming to the gym after all of them drop off.  Why?

1.  I really like to eat.

2.  I really like to eat out.

3.  I sometimes (most of the time) don't make really good choices.

4.  I've never forgotten to eat.

5.  I can't pass up a chicken tender left on a plate.

6.  There's usually a glass of wine with the meal.

7.  I do not want to get fat.

It's pretty simple, if I stop working out my meals would resemble a supermodels, a blueberry, some beet juice and a diet shake.  So, therefore, I work out!

Mom Reminder

Just when I thought I'd be sad about the end of Winter Break, my son wakes up and immediately starts the grating whining in my ear before anything - cup of coffee, boogers out of the eyes, morning stretches.  Here's a few reason's why they must go back to school.

1.  You can't stay on vacation forever, with all that vacation eating, you'll become bigger than the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man balloon in the Christmas parade.

2.  They need good social skills, better to have them argue with their friends then test this skill on you for 24 hours at a time.

3.  Babysitters are expensive.

4.  They have to learn that pajamas are not acceptable attire after noon EVERYDAY.

5.  They must get back to a regular food schedule, a normal lunch rather than a few pieces of leftover turkey, applesauce and gummy bears for dessert.

6.  They must get back to a regular exercise schedule, I mean you must!

7.  You must learn that great skill of talking to yourself, and making sense.

8.  There isn't enough headache medicine (or wine) for continual "family time."

9.  Reading should consist more of books than Calvin and Hobbes for them and Facebook Status messages for you.

10.  That time away will make the time together that much sweeter, with lots of chocolate involved.

If you love something, you must let it free, that means kicking its butt on the bus at that magical 8am time and then settling with a HOT (didn't get one all winter break) cup of coffee and peace and solitude.  Funny thing is, you'll MISS them!  Why should your children go back to school?

My REAL New Years Resolutions!

True New Years Resolutions - ones that you'll actually keep:

 I will become a biotch atleast once a week for my family. This way they will really appreciate me when I am actually nice to them.

 I will not worry about what the other teachers think when my son pulls a molded peanut butter sandwich from his lunch, I'll try to wear my glasses more in the morning.

I will try not to walk my son into school in my pajama pants, I'll make sure it's workout gear.

 I will wine, I mean, whine a little every day, whining helps my own psyche because no one listens to me anyway.

 I will self satisfy once a week - chocolate, geez what were you thinking?

 I will make my family watch one romantic comedy per week for one month, this ensures much needed time alone when I pick up the remote and say, "Let me pick something out."

 I will try something new once a month, a new Pinot Noir or Chardonnay for starters.

 I will finally tell that stupid wench at the grocery store that the toothpicks at the free cheese are there for a reason!

 I will be honest about how I feel, it's the quickest way to get a family through dinner time without arguments. I say "I'm ready to open my heart" they all gobble and go running for the door.

 I will only eat lunch at Costco twice a week, all those cocktail wienies and pizza bites are adding pounds to my waist.

 I will tell my wonderful husband that I love him every day, with pink undershirts, a dull razor and listening to him intently as I fall asleep on the couch.

I will workout every day, it's the only way I can ensure that I can wine a little every day.

 I will let go of my past and finally take a deep breath and look at the Boudoire pictures I took a LONG time ago!

 I will turn on the stove, make sure it works, then turn it back off, always good to dust it off once in a while.

 I will send my children out every day for 30 minutes of exercise, this ensures my time to whine, I mean wine a little bit.

 I will do a better job of trying to poison my family than a few packages of moldy lunchmeat.

 I will be at peace with my body and buy more Spandex than I need.

 I will shave more often, a few pounds off of my waist, a little hair off the moustache, a little more out of the bank account.

 I will finally be ok with beating my children....at checkers, and races.

 I will be who I am without any excuses, maybe a little wining but no excuses!