WTF - Brookstone how could you?

No, that is not a bullet you see but the Buzz Pinpoint Mini Personal Massager from Brookstone.

Is it just me or do you see a mini dildo too?  And is their advertisement saying it is?

From the Brookstone Catalog:

They say you can use this to target TIGHT muscles?  Uh huh.

It is a PERSONAL massager with DEEP, SOOTHING Vibration- oh yeah.

Anytime you need it and fits in a


Briefcase - "why did Carly just lock her office door?"

purse - "Honey, that's not lipstick, I don't think you want to touch that."

gym bag - "Harold your gym bag is vibrating?  What? It's a massager?  Why do you have that in men's locker room?"

And then of course for our busy generation - it's a ONE button tool, so you only need to use one hand - perfect for mothers who are using the other hand holding the bathroom door shut.

There is a disclaimer that you should not use the massager if you are pregnant - shouldn't they clarify it is the perfect Christmas gift for Dad if Mom is pregnant?

Or on a pacemaker - would it cause your blood flow to change pulling too much away from your heart?

So if you are thinking of the perfect gift - think about the mini massager, better yet slip it into their stocking and let them explain to the children exactly what it is.

At least Brookstone believes in modesty.  Batteries are not included so they can put it out on display in the store and not have anyone use it.

Run do not walk to your mini massager, me?  I'm looking at the blue one - that way I remember which is my lipstick tubes and which is my, well, happy piece.

Oh and yes, he has the Victoria's Secret Catalog and now I have the Brookstone catalog.

Thank you Brookstone.

It's the Little Things In Life

Saturday, and there are too many things we COULD do.  But there are a few little things that we DO do, it's the little things that matter.



The refrigerator light - it helps me find the olives in the back of the fridge so my vodka doesn't get lonely.

A walk for a dog - they don't care that it's around the block for the 19675th time, it's a walk for the dog.

Money in the laundry pockets or freshly laundered money - what Momma finds, Momma keeps!

A good run - not long, not hard, but simply good.

Standing in the middle of the woods by yourself - who cares if anyone hears the trees - as a Mom you are standing by yourself in the middle of the woods!

Reading a good romance novel - especially THAT part when you are by yourself with chocolate and a cup of coffee, oh wait, that never happens.  Reading a romance novel that is.

When everyone falls asleep early - and you ARE alone with that romance novel and that cup of coffee.

Forgetting you bought chocolate at the store then pulling it out of the bag.

Waking up later in the morning than expected - then running to check if your children are still alive --- and they are.

Find the right spot.  And sticking with it.

Realizing at the end of a day that you did absolutely nothing - and not regretting it.

Hitting the perfect place in a novel - either writing it or reading it - when you forget everything except the words on the page.

Exact change in your car when you are buying something off the dollar menu at a fast food joint.

It's the little things in life that when put together add up to some pretty big things.  Take some time with the little things like telling the people you love them, saying thank you, and sitting quietly with a cup of coffee and that romance novel.

What would you add to the list?

WTF - Warning Labels

There are signs everywhere in life, things that make you stop and think - Hmmm, other's, like this recurring headache I've had for the past two weeks a subtle hint by my body to start eating clean again, and that yes, dark chocolate is good for your body, just not a whole bar of it in one sitting.



A few signs make me wonder who was the first.

The Preparation H cream - with the big warning that it is not for oral use.

Picture it:

Shirley:  "That botox shot they gave me in my lips, well it was a little bit too much.  I look like I've got two balloons on my face."
Darryl (sitting on the toilet) "Try this, Preparation H stuff, it says it shrinks swollen tissue and provides relief.  Perfect.
Shirley"  "Aw honey, you are always thinking out for me."

Shirley, 15 minutes later looking like she is in a permanent kiss - "Honey, we may need to stop by the urgent care on the way to work."

The next one that comes to mind is the box of Viagra.  It clearly states, "For oral use only"

My imagination gets the best of me again.

Daryl:  "Shirley, did you fill that prescription for Viagra?  We have date night tonight right?'
Shirley:  "Yes, baby.  It's right here in my purse."

15 minutes goes by.

Daryl: "Shirley, I need you in here."

Shirley enters the bathroom, Daryl is standing by the toilet with the open box on the table.

"It doesn't fit."
Shirley looks at him: "What doesn't fit?"
Daryl looked at her like she is stupid, "The pill."
Shirley looks at him like he is stupid, "All you have to do is swallow it.  It can't be that big."
Daryl turns white, "We may need to go to the emergency room.
Shirley looks at him, "It's going to take way too long to take effect in there.  Let me see if I can get it out."

The scary part about all of this is that these warnings are on the boxes FOR A REASON.  There was that first person that sued McDonald's because they were not told the coffee was HOT.  If someone has done it, then some lawyer found out about it and someone paid for it - along with a new warning label. So look at the products you use:

Warning!  Do not hold wrong end of the chainsaw.
Warning!  This medicine is for animal use only - DO NOT use on children.
Warning!  This barbed wire fence contains sharp edges.
Warning!  Do not touch electric fence when turned on.
Warning!  Do not use thermometer orally after using rectally.

We could just let Darwin's theory play itself out.  Just go ahead and take all the warning labels off products and see who survives.

Bet it will be the lawyers.

Have you seen WTF warning labels?

Lessons Learned from Sharknado

I am so excited that Sharknado is finally on Netflix!  I want to watch it again without commercials to see if I really saw the movie I saw, or it was just a delightful part of my imagination.  The first time i watched Sharknado, I don't know if I enjoyed the Twitter feed or the actual movie more

I learned a few lessons from watching this movie:

Always be prepared - yes, you can use the bar stool to keep the Great White from eating your leg.  And yes, don't question that for some reason in the corner of the port a potty you've hidden yourself in from the raining of sharks, there's a rifle, with ammo.  Just use it.  And the McGyver guy that wants to use a toothpick, paper clip and Gameboy to take over the brain of the shark?

Don't question.  He will save your life.

Do not wear a bikini - sharks seem to be drawn to this and will try to rip the top off of you.  Or wait, you have the great body - wear the bikini and show it off for everyone.

If you are single, be very very afraid.  Single people have this special sweetness in their blood that draw the shark.  It's because married people are already bitter and it shows in their blood.

Hang out with the little kids - they always know where to hide.  Sure you may not fit and will get eaten anyway (because you are single) but it's always worth a try.

For some reason chainsaws do not kill sharks.  They kill everyone else in every slasher movie I've ever seen, but will not work on the shark - neither will the baseball bat, the hatchet or the RPG - the flamethrower?  A possibility but that usually means there's a burning shark coming back for one more CHOMP.

If you are told to RUN, then RUN!  Why do they always stop and LOOK BACK?  Sodom should have taught us when they turned to stone, have we not learned.  And remember these sharks can move in a puddle created from washing your car.  If someone says RUN, then RUN.

Finally, there isn't a single problem with our water system.  The sharks are healthy and coming out of the sewer pipes, out of the toilet AND out of the garden hoses, don't worry about drinkability of our water we are going to be just time.

Sharknado was such a cerebral undertaking that the subtle messages should be noted.  Take a minute to watching this piece of cinema history and formulate your own opinions.  We'll meet up again when they finish filming Octopusnado!

What would you add to the list?

Occum's Razor - Keep It Simple Stupeed

Occum's Razor - attributed to 14th century monk, William of Occam states that the simplest answer is often the correct answer.  We, as human beings, tend to overcomplicate things to achieve an answer.

No duh.

But with boys everything gets complicated until I use Occum's Razor on my kids.

Homework - they ask me the questions as I look at math problems that seem more a work of contemporary art rather than something that actually has an answer.  After an hour of me trying to figure it out while they EXPLAIN it to me, the answer is simple.

Google that shit.

Get Outside - I can go over all the reason why they should be outdoors to play, the fresh air, the muscles in their body, the pictures of fat people of Walmart on the Internet.  But that's too complicated, it's simple.

Take away the electronics.

Clean the room - I have shown them petri dishes with a swab of the floor of their room.  Stood a towel up showing that it actually stands on its own, explained the threat of disease from the rodents attracted to the room.  But to get them to clean it?  It is simple.

Shut the door.  Once it get to a point where THEY can't stand it - it actually gets clean.

It is simple, the answer that is.  But when boys are confronted with a problem that has two solutions - one that is simple and doesn't require any work, or another that is complicated and requires removing various tools from Daddy's toolbar for use, then conveniently forgetting them somewhere.

It's simple, they choose the complicated one.

Aristotle once said, "Nature operates in the shortest way possible."

Why can't boys?

WTF - What the Friday...Passwords

I did not realize that terrorists were threatening our electric power bill payment system, because it's harder to pay my electric bill than it is to sign into my checking account.



Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must change your password every 3 months."
Me:  "Why, I'll never remember it.  OK let me us the other one I always use."
Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must use a password that include an anagram of the word 'DUKE POWER' atleast three numbers AND one capital letter."
Me:  "OK, here ya go."

Three days later, I receive a notice that I need to pay my electric bill.  Didn't I pay that earlier?

Computer:  "I'm sorry, you changed your password two days ago, please enter new one."
Me:  "Hmm, which account is this, what did I use?"
Computer:  "Would you like a security question?"
Me:  "Yes, ask me a question then let me in to pay my bill."
Computer, "Your security question is, you changed your password two days ago, do you remember what it is?"
Me: "No, that's why I am trying the security question."
COmputer: "Passwords include anagrams of DUKE POWER three numbers and one uppercase letter, now do you remember your password?"
ME: "WTH?"

Put on my thinking cap,
ME:  "Is my password PestKUDE11K0?"
Computer:  "Nope but that's a pretty good password."

Me, thinking maybe I was drinking wine when I changed the password because that changes the possibilities.

ME:  "Is my password Ih8teDUKEp0w3r?"
Computer:  "No, that is not your password, you changed it three days ago?"
ME:  "Is my password DUKEPOWERSUX99TIMES?"

Computer:  "That's not funny, you have been locked out of the system please call our 800 number to reset your password and pay your bill.

Me, dialing 1-800-H8T-DUKE

DUKE POWER:  "Welcome to Duke Power please enter your password using your phone keypad to continue."

Somewhere, some terrorist is sitting at a computer laughed, "Darryl, we will take over the world one electric company bill at a time!  Soon everyone will have NO POWER!  BUWAHAHAHA!"

Is Love An Idea

My youngest now enjoys sitting under my desk, with the heater blasting on him during our quiet time together in the mornings.  He looked over at a book I was reading and mention, "You know Mom, Creative is not  a verb, it is an adjective."  I stopped what I was writing, "Well, for this book it is."  He shrugged and continued playing as I wrote in the quiet.

"You know Mom," he said.

A small part of me was annoyed because I was mid thought and as you get older you have to hold onto any thought you can because one second of change and they are gone.  But I reminded myself that this was our time together, "Yeah?"

"Love isn't really a verb either.  I think Love is a noun.  It's an idea."

My fingers froze on the keyboard as I thought about this.  Is it an idea, and when you find this idea, what do you do with it?  Is it those ideas that come in one ear and out the other, life being too busy for you take time and let it take hold?  Am I doing that these mornings, should I stop what I am doing and sit with him?  Or is the fact of us sitting together enjoying the quiet of the morning enough?

Did my love for my husband start as an idea?  I remember the feelings when I first met him, the quickening of my heart, the always wanting to be together.  Were those just feelings or did I flesh out an idea as we built our lives together, one step at a time.

An idea is a thought or purpose as to a specific course of action.  And when we fall in love, we know that course, that we are building a life together complete with the times that are difficult.  You can be in love with idea or you can run with the idea - making it real with the hard work it takes to make things happen.

If love is an idea, ideas requires creativity.  You mind must not only be open but it must be active for love to survive.  And being in a creative moment means losing yourself to it, just like being in love requires you to lose yourself in it.

I love the idea of love.  There is so many ideas in love.
The idea to wrap your fingers around a child's hand because they quietly reached over to you.
The idea that sometimes sitting and saying nothing is better than giving any type of advice.
The idea to take a walk and cool off rather than speaking what is on your mind.
The idea to let go, say goodbye, and let them feel peace as they move on.

So if love started as an idea, it's a pretty damn good one, and one that I think we all need to carry on.

Do you think Love is a Idea?

WTF - What the Friday - Halloween Style

It's Friday and we survived another Halloween - even if my thighs feel another inch bigger after the binge on candy.  But during out trick or treating we has several WTF moments.

Whoppers - seriously, who gives out these things?  NOBODY likes them.  NOBODY.  I am tempted to egg your house for giving out handfuls of these.  Perhaps you are a dentist and figure no one's going to eat them so you're saving teeth in a covert kind of way.

Warners - these are the great parents that say, "Watch out, someone is going to jump out from behind that tree."  In my case, I worked hard to stay still holding that bucket of candy, waiting for them to get

close to jump up and offer candy.  Who are you?  The Lone Ranger?  The whole point of Halloween is to scare people - and you ARE RUINING IT!  Oh, and the next time you come, I'm hiding from you and scaring you FIRST!

Non dressers - no you do not look like a hoodlum.  No you cannot get candy if you are dressed up as yourself.  You may think you're pretty cool but no, it's not cutting it.  Period.

Fun Size - this is the biggest WTF.  Why do you call little bars the FUN size?  They are not fun?  They are little?  They should be called the Torture Size?  Or Starter Size because we all know you're going to eat the whole bag after that first Fun Size, right?

Wrappers - candy wrappers should be designed to spontaneously combust after 15 minutes when separated from the piece of candy.  This would make a lot of Moms happy and not thinking, "WTF" when they come downstairs the next morning to a mess on the floor.

Do Gooders - seriously.  It is Halloween.  Give out candy.  Floss?  Apples?  Pretzels (well, OK we did dip them in melted chocolate and eat them)  Give us one day when we can indulge in sugar and not feel guilty.  Plus you know everyone throws away the apples because of the possibility of razors in them.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween, I did.  I scared a bunch of little children and in my world, that's awesome.  Keep this list handy so you don't make any of these blunders next year.

What's your WTF for Halloween?