New Years, Schmew Years

Everyone makes New Years resolutions.  Here are mine:

Every day I will realize that I am blessed.  Especially on those days where I don't have to lay on the floor to button my pants.

I choose to wine more, and whine less.  Yes, there is a difference.



I resolve to finally finish 50 Shades of Grey and not keep getting stuck at the good parts, you have to put up with the soft parts to get to the hard parts.

I will listen to my children, or at least act the part a little better.

I will clean out my pantry.  Today, the day before New Years, that way I can eat all the crappy food and wake up the next morning bloated with a resolution to only buy healthy food.

I will buy bras that fit.  I don't need them to look cute, I just need them out of the way.

I will cook more gourmet meals, or at least, hide the box better.

I will not text and drive, wait, I wasn't doing that anyway---honest.

I will spend more time with my family.  I'll still not listen to them, but I will be around, nodding, more often.

I will appreciate my friends, even when they are laughing as I lay on my back by the side of the ski slope.  Oh, you are so next.

I will be softer on myself, because, face it, everything about myself is softer and rounder - face, thighs, butt, legs.....

I will say what is on my mind.  Oh wait, that's my resolution from last year.

I will realize that this year is the only 2014 that I get - so I plan to go big or go home.  Oh wait, that bridge is burned!

What type of Mom are You?

It's the holidays, what type of Mom are you?

Spiritual Momma - "Let us all sit together here in a circle and feel the Christmas Spirit.  Charlie, will you stop pushing your brother!  I want quiet, Christmas Spirit cannot come if I am yelling at you!  Margaret, I don't care that Taylor is texting you, put the phone down.  We are going to feel the Christmas SPIRIT whether you want to or not!"

Perfect Momma - "Oh we don't use Facebook, or own a TV.  We want our children to read for entertainment.  All of our gifts are homemade by each other, if you want to see them check out Crafty Pinterest Board.  We're going to spend Christmas day cooking together in the kitchen, then sit and read A Christmas Carol together.  What?  Oh we do not allow candy in the home."

Badass Momma - "I am sorry your Smith and Wesson M&P45 Black is not in your stocking.  No one told me what was involved in a gun check, I'm waiting on the application to come back.  Here's your brass knuckles."

Organic Momma - "Don't you love the organic fruit in your stockings?  Everything under the all natural non pesticide sprayed, earth friendly Christmas tree is completely organic, PBA free AND gluten free."

Hipster Momma - "Listen, you are wearing the Rudolph pajamas!  We need a color coordinated picture for our Christmas Card.  Will someone hold the dog down while I put on her pajamas!"

Pinterest Momma - "I had everyone in the family create of Pinterest board of what they want for Christmas for the grandparents and relatives.  As each gift is purchased, we will add purchased to the comment for the picture.  I'm still working on my Christmas Spirit board."

Facebook Momma - "Will you stop hitting your brother long enough for me to take and post a picture of our perfect family!"

What type of Momma are you?

WTF Fast Food Style

During our Christmas shopping, we've had to bite the bullet and come to fast food every once in a while.  And as usual, there were a few WTF moments in those drive through lines.

"I would like a cheeseburger.  Plain, nothing on it."
We got two buns.

Standing in a McDonalds we heard a customer say,
"I would like a cheese burger but can you hold the cheese?"

McDonalds is advertising an Xbox One.  My son says as we pull into the drive thru,
"Can you order us an Xbox One?"

The size of the fries in the childrens happy meal - WTF?

"The Suicide" when you take your drink and mix all the different soft drinks together.  Oh yes, and take one from the man by not putting ICE in it.

My coffee has a caution on the cup, "This coffee is HOT."  It'd better me.

Having to go around the drive thru again, to explain to the person that we got ANOTHER Shrek in our Happy Meal and we were really looking for Fiona!

And finally, getting caught walking out of McDonalds with your McFlurry by your personal trainer.

WTF?

WTF - Duluth Firehose Work Pants?

Obviously a man wrote this ad because:

They are called FIREHOSE pants - but they are not for firemen - what hose?

And they are strong enough to hold off an angry beaver - anyone else see something in this?

Keep YOUR firehose protected from the Beaver by buying these!!

WTF - Holiday Gift Giving Edition

As we all know and several are breathing in a bag over - Christmas is less that two weeks away!  I thought I would share some great WTF gifts for your shopping pleasure!

Let's start with the decorations:  These are perfect.

The inflatable Christmas Wreath - perfect for the family expecting Granpa visiting and his hemmroidal problems.  This is a multi use decoration - wreath by day hemmroid pillow by night!

Who in the family doesn't like bacon?  How about bacon stockings!  That way they are still happy if they get coal, then can just cook the stockings using it!

Finally in preparation for the season, the perfect traveling pillow for that long plane ride.  The Farting Elf Neck Pillow!  It is the perfect way to ensure the seat next to you on that bus or train or plane will remain OPEN!

Now to Christmas Day:

For the outdoorsman in your life - think about the Noggin Net!  It's a hat, it's a fishing net.  Luckily the instructions that come with it include the warning to not use it as a hat when there is a fish or shark in the net.  

Think about it, 

"Earle, I got ONE!"

"Dang, I forgot the net!"

"Don't worry use my NOGGIN NET!"

"WTF?"

"Got it!"

Sounds of Earle and Darryl killing the fish.

"Gimme my hat back, my head is burning."

2 hours later

"Something smells fishy?"

You could always buy them the Birthing Doll see click here

Or if you're like me, you could always buy your husband this!

Picture this:

"Merry Christmas honey!"

He looks at it, "Advice, Meditations for men who have too much?"

"Just like you sweetie!"

"Is this a USED copy?"

He drops the book and runs to wash his hands.

Which may necessitate this gift for yourself - because you should always buy at least ONE thing for yourself!

 Happy Holidays from That Grey Area - may you enjoy all the sights, smells and chaos from a nice xanax induced fog.

What would you add to the list?

Gingerbread Men - Nailed it!

So our yearly tradition of making gingerbread men,

How I picture it in my mind:

 I think we nailed it, don't you?

Of course, the pinterest picture of the cookies

Definitely nailed that one!

Oh yeah, we should be bakers!

Kids, I need you to wait until after dinner to eat the cookies.

Yep nailed that one too!

Christmas Carols - That Grey Area Style

Chest Nuts roasting on an open fire.
Cause someone left the toilet seat up.
"I'm sorry," being sung by a choir
As they pull her to stand up!

Everybody knows, a simple, "I'll wash clothes,"
Help to make the season bright,
Angry Moms stepping on tiny legos
Will find it hard to walk tonight.

They know that Mom's really pissed off,
She's  loaded with punishments on the way.
And every child is gonna cry.

To see if that will make Momma sigh?

And so, I'm offering you this simple idea,
To kids that want to live past 22
Alto, It's been said, many times, many ways.
"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you."

"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you!"

WTF - Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign....

Call my car the Mommobile, the Kidcar, the TestosteroneTaxi, I spend a lot of time roaming around Winston Salem and have come across my share of signs that usually have me shaking my head saying, "WTF?"

There's a strip bar off of 52 by our house.  OK, I'd better clarify that it is FAR away from our house.  But I just passed it and the sign said, "Now hiring smiling faces."

Wait a minute - do you guys REALLY look to see if they are smiling?  Or is that some kind of code?

Picture Earl and Stanley sitting while Shirley is showing her experience:

"Earl, is she smiling?  Earl?"
"What?"
"Smiling, we're hiring smiling face, EARL!"
"What?"

Then, on the way to my son's elementary school, there's a BAR---OK the bar is FAR away from the elementary school, but close to the church (we are in North Carolina) and the name, get this

is Benders.

There's no guessing what people are doing at that bar.  It's call Benders with a sign that says, "We accept brown bags."

So I'm thinking of the conversation:

"Sheila, I've had one helluva week at work, let's go out for a drink."

"How about the Winston Salem Social Club, Angela?"

"Oh no, tonight is a night for Benders."



Another sign that had me wondering was a local garage:

"Free brake check."

It makes me think, if they are coming in for a brake check, then everyone better jump out of the way because the car will keep going and take the back of the garage out.

A few favorites along the way:
Did you know Taco Bell was hiring all shits?
And an art gallery said, "Don't touch yourself, let us do it for you."
My son's favorite, "McDonald's juicy black anus burger."

Finally, my Favorite sign is in a little town.  There's a deli and a store called B.J's Fine Apparel.  Yes, you can all laugh about the B.J's fine apparel but someone typed up a sign and left it in front of the deli.

"This parking is for the deli only.  Parking for B.J's is behind their building."

After I stopped peeing myself laughing, I simply shook my head and said, "What the Friday?"

Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

WTF - Birth Doll?

OK, I am very excited about a new addition to the Melang EXTENDED family - Hendrix Westmoreland.  And I am really glad that many parents are enlightened.  As a writer for Forsyth Family Magazine, I get emails for products to test for our readers - families.

Enter the Birth Doll - a doll that shows the process of birth so children can understand at an early age.  The doll advertised allows Momma to explain to little Henry how he was born naturally, while his sister was born by C-Section.

 Where do I begin?  First of all both of the dolls have mothers that look like they are on drugs - and believe me after my two experiences with child birth - drugs are a good thing!

Then I think about my young child playing with these dolls:

Your child starts playing with the doll by pulling the baby out of the Momma and the cord is stuck - well of course they continue to pull it?  Would I say, "Yes, that's the way I remember it?"  Or would I coach the inner doctor in them, "you must coach the baby out gently."

And what if they start shoving the baby back up the Momma?  Would I say, "No honey, once you were ready to be born, I was more for pulling the baby out that shoving back in.  And a lot of you, once you start working for a living would probably wish you could get shoved back in?"  or do I say what I am really thinking, "Out or in - make a decision."

Of course, my son pulls the baby out and tosses him to the side.  This makes me think of his little brother.

What they did not get in the dolls correct - is this:
the pained look on their face.
The boobs the size of NFL footballs
The baby should be the side of a NFL football because this is what it feels you are passing.
the husband standing there saying, "Push!"  Until the wife yells, "SHUT UP!"
and the biggest problem?

Everyone is quiet.  No one is quiet in the birthing room.

So no, I think came up with a better way to educate my children about the birthing process -

Take them to the local farm, where in one day:
We explained why the one horse "really likes" the other horse.
They watched a hen vent an egg with horror.
The cute baby lamb with the umbilical cord hanging from it
To the back of the sheep that gave birth.

Believe me, I think this was the best birth control lesson ever taught.

I'm taking them back when they turn 13.

Have you seen this doll?