When I grow up...

When I grow up
      I will be tall
I will forget anything
     that made me feel small.
I will hold my head
    higher than the sun,
When I grow up, I will
     listen to no one.

I will wear what I want
   be gone with good fashion.
It will be more for simply comfort
     than trying to look dashing.

I will actually say, "Excuse me"
   from time to time,
And not get involved when people
    start to whine.

I will dare myself to jump
  off of the ledge.
Life is meant to be lived
     not sitting on that edge.

I'll give myself permission to
   just be me.
Because seriously, who else
   could I be?

When I grow up, I'll be as loud
    as I can.
Wait a minute, grow up?  I already am....

Santa Sent Me A Letter!!

Dear Mrs. Melang:

I am writing to you about your excessive use of the Santa Claus Parents’ Hotline.  This line is meant for parents who want to change their child’s status on Santa’s list as a last minute nice list change,  not as a daily rant from the Melang household.

Using Santa Claus and coal as a means to get your children to behave does not work, you should have learned that last year when we had to change the phone number due to excessive use.    Please think of something different than the fifteen minute messages that begin with you saying, “you’re not going to believe this.”

Please also inform your children that the number of letters sent to Santa’s inbox changing their Christmas list is becoming excessive, also Santa gets enough letters from the children of the world, he doesn’t need your children clogging his Inbox with excuses for their behavior listed in your phone call of the day.  And sending pictures of their rooms does not automatically put them on the naughty list.

Henceforth, we will be marking your emails as SPAM and hope that you will think twice before sending another letter to Santa.  He is contemplating putting coal in your stocking as a reply to your "Why haven't you answered me, Santa" letter.  Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Cletus Senior Santa Correspondence Elf

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
Take a look at the five and ten
 in my belly when I bend 
With muffin tops and great skin rash
to show! 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
fans on ev'ry floor 
But the prettiest sight to see 
is how full my glass will be 
after my own first pour!

Forget the hopalong boots just a pistol that shoots 
Is the wish of mine today; 
kids that will clean 
and me as the queen 
Is the hope of at the end of the day 

And hubby that can hardly wait to go to work again!

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
There's sweat as I toss and turn, 
all night as I yearn, 
For a good night's sleep as I crash. 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause; 
Soon the bitch will come, 
And the thing that will make her smile is the prescription on the vial 
As her mind goes numb....

On the first day of Christmas Facebook gave to me...

On the twelfth Day of Christmas
Facebook gave to me,
Twelve coupons to expire,
Eleven people doing nothing,
Ten sponsored ads,
Nine fake pictures,
Eight people fighting,
Seven Moms complaining,
Six perfect families,
FIVE HOT DUDES!!
Four people poking,
Three funny photos,
Two error messages,
And only one online parolee!

How this Mom saves money....

Now that it seems the economy is tanking, here's some great ways for parents to save money.

1.  DO NOT buy expensive socks, it is a sure fire way to lose one of them.

2.  Convince your children that water is good for them, you'll burn calories arguing.

3.  Tell your kids that the Lost and Found at their school is the FREE shopping area.  They'll come home with some GREAT stuff.  Do the same at the library.

4.  Tell your kids that you are going to eat lunch at Costco, then eat lunch at Costco - at the sample bins.

5.  Tell your children the Highlights Magazine at the doctor's office can be borrowed.  If you feel guilty enough return it when they've circled all the hidden pictures.

6.  Borrow toilet paper from any place you can borrow, that also includes Splenda packets, ketchup, mustard and mayo.  It only takes 26 packets of mayo to make tuna salad.

7.  Explain that the dog is the only heating device in the house, and their flatulence is increasing the temperature in their bed as you tuck them in together.

8.  Explain that the toilet paper is cut into squares because one square is all they need, that's what hand washing is for.

9.  Send your children into the store with your expired coupons, make sure they are dressed cute.

10.  Explain to your children that you are not cheap, you just financially challenged!

Hello Spammy!

Today I did a short lesson in humanity, I checked my spam folder.  Here's what I learned from the titles:

1.  Fwd: reply - from Jennifer Aniston.  I didn't know we were back on talking terms again.  I guess she saw my latest picture and is letting me know I need to lose weight.

2.  Huge natural b00bs - I guess in this subject line they are trying to show me how they will stand out, but on my body will they stand up?

3.  jus sign up you life suxx befora - what does this mean Jana?  Are you friends with Jennifer?

4.  I LUV V PILL ONLY FOR PENNIES - I know they are yelling at me, but hey, I'm not the one that needs the V pill.  I am quite happy right now.

5.  Here's my favorite - USApenis.com budget tip - now I've always warned about the little head thinking for the big head, but about budget tips?  No thanks.

Here's ones that I actually clicked on -

1.  Tasering our way to the zombie apocalypse - I thought with the Mayan calendar coming to an end, I could use the information.  Took me to Christian single men looking for love.

2.  Luxuriant Hair Flowing Club for Scientits - I wanted to get my hair to flow better, and I had to be sure the typo was actually a typo.  Took me to Christian single men looking for love.

3.  When did you put that picture up - of course like a train wreck, I had to look and no it wasn't from Jennifer Aniston.  Took me to Christian Single men looking for love.

4.  Enjoy your Pretzel Anniversary Offer - surprise nothing to do with lengthening any pretzels close to my heart but an actual pretzel company, and a coupon.  Unfortunately never heard of the pretzel company.

5.  Single Christian Guys Looking for Faithful Women - of course when I clicked on this one, it took me to the Mayan website and....the end of the world.

Only 21 days left! Ack!

Everyone in the Christmas frenzy so I'm relaxing and doing what I do best, waiting until the last minute.  Just to help you along with all the shopping, I've decided to Kelly Melang style a few
Christmas Carols.

The Christmas Song

Chests and nuts popping out of inappropriate attire,
Bad smells nipping at my nose .
People pushing, each child a cryer,
As folks dressed up in anything goes.

Everybody knows a turkey and some PBR,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots strapped into the childproof plastic car,
Will try to find different parents tonight.

They know that Walmart's where they're stuck,
Mom's loaded lots of diapers and groceries in their truck,
And when it's time to leave every person is forming a line,
Behind the one and only open checkout sign!

And so if you're looking for some really great deals.
and you can't seem to handle a crowd.
Although it's been said you'll get a flat screen for a steal,
Stay out of Walmart, for crying out loud.