What Not To Do On Your First Day At The Resort

There are ways to learn how to ski, then there are ways to NOT learn how to ski.  Let's go over a few basics.

1.  Don't listen to your friends on your first day of skiing.  Remember these are the same friends that provide a multitude of entertainment with several "Hey, Watch This!" moments during the course of your lifetime.

They will say, "Let's just take the lift to the top, you'll figure it out on the way down."

You will then provide a hilarious moment for them as they say, "Hey watch this" and push you down the mountain.


2.  Be careful of borrowed ski gear.  Know your options.  Sometimes it is better to just pay the nominal rental fee for your gear than showing up at the slopes in the 1980's fartbag onezie with skis close to 6 feet long for your 5 foot frame. Rule of thumb, if it doesn't fit, the ground you'll hit.  Prepare for a day of fun with the right gear.

3.  Find your bearings at the resort.  Your friends will try again to trick you.  "Oh this is the lift you need to get on, this one here."  If you are asking the attendant if you need to put your skis on before riding the lift then you shouldn't be on any lift at the resort.  You should be in a lesson.  Of course, always know exactly where the necessities are - the bar, the restroom and food.

4.  Contracting a lesson is worth it.  Having a professional teach you that "pizza" and "french fries" are not fast food terms starts your slope side day on the right foot (or with both feet doing what they are supposed to do, not doing something that ends with a "Get Out of my way!"), remember learning how to stop does have its benefits.  You can then watch your friends who decided against that lesson screech by you with a silent scream on their lips before spectacularly wiping out.  Sidetone:  Getting lesson is best for everyone in your party.  Those who know how to ski get an hour of fun, and when you meet up with them you know what you are doing.

5.  There is no "One more run."  This translates into the "Hey watch this" type moment.  If your legs are tired, it is time to call it a day.  Be careful of the friends that want to end a day on the snow with "Let's race down the black diamond and see who hits the bottom first."  Did you notice your friend used the term "hits?"  There is a reason.

6.  Apres Ski is always better with friends.  Not just the friends you brought with you, but the new friends you'll meet at the bar.  Everything's easier when there's a beer in hand.  Just make sure you hand someone your skis and tell them NOT to give them back to you.

There is a right way for a day on the snow and there is your friend's way.  Remember, sometimes it is better to be a leader than a follower when it comes to learning something new.  You'll thank yourself as you are picking up your friends from the ER.

What would you add?

I think Elf on The Shelf is a Terrorist

Did you know that the Elf on the Shelf was the first Christmas Terrorist? Oh yeah, this creepy little guy is designed to keep kids GOOD during the holiday season (as if that could happen.)  What a great ruse to come into your household!

In case you are wondering, here's a list helping spot potential terrorists:

How to spot a terrorist

Number 1 - "Surveillance. Often a terrorist will gather information about a potential target during the planning stages of an attack."
The Elf appears in your home.  His job is to gather information about a potential target (you).    Don't you wonder what type of information he is reporting, and really, do we all really know who "Santa" is?  This "Santa" has been training Elves for years, what has he been teaching them?

Number 2 - Elicitation. Elicitation is the use of ordinary communications methods in order to gain information without being obvious about it.  Does anyone think it is creepy that the elf sits there gaining information by ordinary conversation, or "eavesdropping?"  

Number 3 - Tests of Security. Individuals or organizations planning terrorism will attempt to measure the capabilities of security apparatus.  He comes into your house, doesn't that test your security?  How does he get through all of our satellite security, across our borders and appear in your home?  He's been testing security for years!


Number 4 - Fundraising. In order to fund an attack, terrorists will seek financial resources.  I have noticed that when the Elf is in the house sometimes my wallet goes missing.  How do you think he afforded the Lego set he left for my son?

Number 5 - Acquiring supplies. Purchasing or stealing explosives, weapons, ammunition, or bomb-making materials is a sign of terrorists acquiring supplies.  For some reason the Elf appears and all the candy in the house starts disappearing.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Number 6 - Impersonation. Watch out for people who seem out of place.  An elf?  Dressed in red pajamas?  Sitting on your fireplace mantle?  Staring at you?  Could the Elf be part of some "sleeper" cell?

Number 7 - Rehearsal. Terrorists will often rehearse a pending attack ensuring that their operation will run smoothly.  That's why he appears year after year at our house, he's rehearsing for the big thing.

Number 8 - Deployment. Terrorists are arranging their assets, getting into position, or are in the midst of an attack. This is your last chance to alert the authorities before it’s too late.

This is why I am warning you.  Watch that creepy little fella, there's something fishy about him, especially when he has fooled the CIA in his cuteness so they are not watching his whereabouts during the Christmas season.  We know he is not from this country because of the Made In China sticker on his butt.

Dang, that little sucker moved last night and now I can't find him.

WTF - Christmas Shopping Edition Part 2

Yep, December 5th and already I was receiving Christmas cards in the mail.

Who are these people?

Did they take their family pictures in July?  Because it takes us a few days, several bottles of bourbon and duct tape to get my kids to sit perfectly for the camera.

Are these the same people now boasting on Facebook?

Look I have my Christmas tree up.  Look I've even wrapped all my Christmas presents and strategically placed them under the perfect tree we put up as a family, sipping hot chocolate while listening to Christmas Carols together.  Without any fighting.

I explain to everyone listening that I cannot start Christmas shopping until the very last minutes because I have Gift Giving Syndrome.  This is an illness that manifests itself during the holidays as an uncontrollable urge to give away presents before the holiday.  Why?  Because I know they will LOVE my creative ideas and I can't wait until Christmas day.

Me?  I start a little slower.

I start the Christmas music after Thanksgiving, hoping this will get me into the mood.

I look at each family member, wondering, "What should I get them for Christmas?"

Then that quickly translates into, "Why should I get them something for Christmas?

Wouldn't the holiday of spreading good cheer be just that?  Spreading good cheer?

But I succumb to all of the Norelco sledding Santa adds and coincidently my bank account shows a positive balance and I go shopping.

Few things to keep in mind if you are like me and enjoy the last minute shopping.

1.  If you are shopping for your significant other on Amazon make sure their email is not the confirmation email.  Yep, gifting fail right there.

2.  Kids can smell wrapping paper.  If you want to keep your presents hidden, wrap in grocery store bags.  This will save you money.

3.  Shopping is always easier if you buy something for yourself in the process.  This makes going out shopping much easier.

Remember that Christmas Cheer starts at home.  Preferably the egg nog kind of cheer.  Chug a little of that before you go shopping and you'll be surprised at how quickly you are done, and how surprised you are Christmas day at your ingenuity when under the influence and present selection.  There's nothing like everyone, including you, being surprised as they open their presents.

So take that all you, my house is completely done, parents spreading the Christmas spirit.

If you are done, then there's plenty of time for you to come over and do my house.

Got it?  Spread a little more holiday cheer.

WTF - Christmas Shopping or Getting My Tinsel in a Tangle

Yes, it always starts with those warm and fuzzier.  I see myself skipping through the mall with a smile on my face as I hear beautiful Christmas music.  I stop to get a cup of coffee, check the list I made, then plan my relaxing day.

Right?

Wrong.

It starts with the 15 minute ride in the parking lot looking for a space.  You see I don't want to be too far away because I'll be carrying all that shit when I come back out, but I don't have the patience circling like a shark for an hour looking for something close.

The rain starts as I throw my car into park.  Yeah, the rain.

I grab my backpack, throw it over my head and run through the rain into the side door of the mall, thinking a cup of coffee would be nice.

I'm thinking my husband would look
better in this sweater.

As did the rest of humanity and the line at the coffee shop is pretty stiff competition to the Santa Claus line, complete with the child behind me whining about why they have to wait SO LONG.

Sidenote:  I do not miss the Santa Claus/Easter Bunny lines.  Especially with a screaming baby and a toddler that wants to touch everything they see, especially pulling at the beautiful red velvet ropes and pulling down the Disney style waiting line.

But I do get my cup of coffee, take a deep breath and relax.  To the list.

Which I forgot.

At home.

I could just wing it, but that can prove very expensive because when I wing it, I buy things that are not on the list then have to buy things on my list.  Wait a minute, did my kids hide the list for just this reason?  To increase their booty this year?

I stand with my coffee, listening to the children cry in the Santa Claus line, the Christmas music skipping on the speakers.

"This cannot be a wasted trip to the mall."

The 30 minute drive.
The 20 minutes of parking space.
I have a cup of coffee.
What shall I do?

I know!

I'll just buy something for me!

Let the joys of the season begin!

Who doesn't love winter weather!

There's a few reasons why I love the snow so much.  Here's my list:

11.  Everyone's snowman looks pathetic.

10.  Snow covers up all the yard work you were supposed to get to all the other seasons of the year.

9.  My nipples really do look much better in colder weather.

8.  Snow clothes make everyone look fat, even the skinny b*tches.

7.  My children will actually go outside to play when it snows.

6.  Driving in the snow is fun, even if you are sliding out of control toward that wall.

5.  Skiing and drinking go together.

4.  You can always convince one kid to test the cold weather/flagpole theory.  Usually it is the same one every year.

3.  Running doesn't seem as bad when running through the snow, until you have that heart attack in the driveway.

2.  You can find your way back home by following your footsteps.

1.  Covering up let's me do the "No shave November" thing for winter.

Why do you love snow?

Hello, I'm Kelly's Belly Fat, nice to meet you.

We all have that middle age moment.  Where you wake up one morning, look down and wonder:

"Since when do I look six months pregnant and the only option of that being true is the immaculate conception?"

Hello Belly Fat, you snuck up on me.  Didn't see you coming.

So I go and start researching how to get rid of it.  My first article was quite interesting:  Here it is.http://www.healthyfoodhouse.com/there-are-4-types-of-bellies-what-is-yours-and-how-to-get-rid-of-it/

The article has this picture to start it:

I didn't get much further.

The only one who looks happy doesn't have belly fat but can you see how large her butt is?

And the other three, well, I can't even go there.

Number one is happy if not thinking of running more to get the butt off.

Number two is thinking "OK atleast I only look 3 months pregnant not like 4 and 5."

4 is looking at 5 thinking, "Who picked out this completely unflattering outfit for us?"

If you travel past the picture, and I know it is difficult.  The article describes one was of getting rid of belly fat was to eat a lot of "sole food."

Correct me, but isn't sole, I mean soul food full of fat?

Or did they mean that we should just eat shoe leather or "sole food" because that will keep the weight off.

Another option is to "stop fast food and enter huge amounts of caffeine."

I think what the author was trying to say is the quickest way to get rid of this fat is "Red Bull and Slimfast.  Your heart will be racing as you hang out on the toilet, but boy, it will drop quickly."

Honestly, I think all the women in the picture have that "WTF" look on their faces because they don't understand any of the article.  I get it, not a single thing made sense.  And I'm not a grammar nazi, but wow, this one really needed some help.

If you want more information on how to get rid of your belly fat, don't forget to surf by and read the comments, which will make you belly laugh - and hey, that could move out some of the fat.

Me?  I'm going to go searching again, because we all need something to laugh at!