How to understand boys - for all my friends with girls...

Boys are special, they dance to a different tune than girls.  So whenever I get together with my friends who only have girls, I watch them look horrified at my posse and thought I could explain a bit.

Did you know there was a fart language? This is different than burp language.  It's a secret language between boys, they have all their code words coordinated between long farts and short farts.  If it is done under the armpit it is the Southern Dialect, from the lips the Northern Dialect.  So when you see them furiously pumping their arms up and down with their hand cupped under their armpit - they are conveying important information.

They don't understand niceties - boys come from men which descended from Cavemen.  This kicks in when a basket of bread is placed in the middle of a restaurant table, or the plate of nachos appears.  If you want to have them act civilized, order something they don't like - it will remain untouched.  And just like their older counterparts - don't ask them if the bathing suit looks good on you.

There is a hierarchy in the male system - boys spend all their time trying to determine who's the big cheese in the bunch.  This is accomplished by head locks, wrestling, shooting the longest spit ball, who can pee off the deck the farthest, who can punch the hardest, and who can handle being punched without crying.  They cannot sit still, so just ignore them when you are sitting at the park with the girls playing nicely and there's a WWF smackdown out behind the monkey bars.

If it is not nailed down they will eat it - they are going to stalk your girl at the restaurant table with the last few french fries until she almost screams at them, "Just go ahead and eat them."  They don't what the food is, their bodies are using fuel so efficiently that it required constant refueling.  This makes passing the expired food into them much easier, because their minds are focused on replenishment and not labels.

If it is not broken, they will break it - the boy mind is constantly trying to figure things out.  This makes them take apart your radio and put it all back together except for that one piece.  Boys have a black cloud over their heads when it comes to any type of electronic - do not allow them to touch it otherwise something will happen and the passwords are changed, the settings different or it simply doesn't work.

There's only one setting - and it's loud and non stop.  In order to accomplish their hierarchy this also includes who can be the most loud and obnoxious boy at the restaurant/pool/movie theater/doctor's office.  If they find a noise that's annoying - like flicking their tongue on the roof of their mouth while humming the Star Spangles Banner - they will continue to do this until their friends punch them to stop or someone else pays them to stop.  Then they will look around and promptly start doing it again.

The best part about boys is you get what you see - they are messy, they are loud, they are energetic, they are real.  It's OK to be horrified if you are not used to the chaos, but if you are you simply smile at the group and say, "Stop saying God Bless America in fart language."

What are some other great attributes of boys?