What Happens At The Fair, Stays at The Fair

I just sat down with a glass of wine after 8.67 hours at the Dixie Classic Fair.  Here is why I only go to the fair once a year.


The minute you walk through the gates of the fair you will hear this great sucking sound - it is the gods of the fair sucking out every last dollar out of your pocket.  If you come home with anything but kettle corn crumbs in your pocket then you are a lucky person.

The second constant at the fair is that the minute you enter, both your nose and your eyes will begin to itch.  And you will spend, in my case the next 8 hours, willing yourself not to touch them.

Anything you touch at the fair will be sticky.  It could be moist air from the two millions fryers going at once, or the touch of twelve million people touching the bars and other things that you touch.  Prompting that itching in your nose and in your eyes.

There are things that astound you - like watching a woman try to squeeze herself into the seat on the swing ride, me and everyone around me were thinking about taking bets on whether she could get her butt in it, and then could she get herself back out.  The ride operator delivered the bad news to her as she was trying the sideways approach with the swing seat.

Little kids are cute - little kids with those stupid plastic trumpets will cause you to think about becoming a serial killer.  I think a serial killer created those plastic trumpets so we could all go crazy together.

If you are going to talk the Dad into coming to the Fair, make it enjoyable to him.  Dads see going to the fair the equivalent of heading over to the Lamaze classes with you.  Yelling at him in front of the TiltaWhirl that he needs to HOLD the oversize DOLPHIN so you can RIDE - not flatter and a guarantee he will NOT come to the Fair next year.

Tiny the horse is a real tiny horse.  The snake woman, she didn't really look real.  The Merman and Duck face woman looked possibly real.  Hey, they were on special, only a dollar a look!  We did not, however look at the "beautiful woman who turns into a screaming gorilla" exhibit, the boys see that every morning when they cannot find their shoes.

There are Fair Calories, then there are FAIR CALORIES.  I caught myself saying, "We much eat something of substance before the slushies - so let's go get some Kettle Corn and Ribbon Potato Chips. THEN we can think about cotton candy and slushies.  Oh, and healthy food and fair - ain't nobody got time for that.

Finally, all these may seem funny to you, but they are memories to me.  My best memory this time around was Jeff Wagner, Glass Artist in the old village.  All 5 of us were enthralled for 45 minutes as we watched him make glass beads while giving us a lesson in glass art.  There is a reason he is artist of the Fair, and a teacher at Sawtooth - if you get a chance go and see him.  Well worth the trip.

Create those special memories for your family with a trip to the Dixie Classic Fair, and believe me, I can wait another year before I hear the bursting of a balloon with a bell from a water game.

What are your memories of the fair?

REALLY?

Did you read my post about my mysterious trip to Michaels, how I walked in and two hours later pulled two very large shopping bags full of crafts I will never do, not to mention the 78.62 price tag?  Well, my son asked me to go back for rubber bands for his loom, and I waited because frankly, I had to pay my mortgage and not spend it in Michaels!

What am I talking about?  The Rainbow Loom

The new nirvana of children, the obsession as you make rubber band bracelets.  Why?

Because you can show that special girl you like her by making her a bracelet.

You can sit and cry when you Cobra weave doesn't work and you did it exactly the way the kid in the YouTube Video told you to do.

You can show how cool you are by the intricate bracelet designs on your arm.

In my son's case, you can get paid by other kids to make bracelets that they then give to the girl of their dreams (yes, he takes after the better half)

So yes, before you judge, I have a son that looms, or weaves, or makes bracelets.

Back to my trying not to drop a mortgage payment in Michaels this time around.

We walk in with a list of the different color bands he wants and imagine my surprise.

Not a single loom in the store.

Not a single band in the store.

Really, who are all these kids weaving their bracelets?  Didn't they realize that my son was running out of black and he will make my life miserable?

He looks at me and I frantically look around store, "What?  No looms, no rubber bands?  What is he supposed to do, weave human hair?"  I yell at the cashier.

She calmly says (I guess i'm not the only Mom freaking out), "You can sign up for our loom waiting list, but if you register for the Rainbow Loom Retreat October 18-20th in Asheville you get a free loom with registration.  It is a wonderful time, there will be looming, meditation and detoxing.  All of our Looming Thursday Group kids love it."

I am speechless.  OK, I'm not the only freaky one - we leave the store with me giving myself a point for not signing him up for the Rainbow Loom Retreat JUST TO GET A LOOM BECAUSE BANDS COME WITH IT.

For now we are in a holding pattern, one woman says to me as we leave, "If you hear of any one with non see through neon green bands, I'm prepared to pay top dollar for them."

I smile at her.

I feel your pain honey, I really do.

Runnerisms

Whether you are a short distance or long distance runner, here's a few runnerisms I think you will understand:

Chafeam - This is that scream in the shower when you find you missed a vital part of your body with the Body Glide.

Going For The Burn - There's chaffing on your body, you know the shower is going to sting, you bite a leather strap and go in anyway.

Bloe - this is that toe you thought to cut before you long run, then forgot.  It is now reminding you with an insistent throbbing.  It is then covered with blood at the end of your run.

WWSD - this is that conversation in your mind where you so want to walk during a long run but you are reminded with "What Would Steve (Prefontaine) Do?"

PACE - the salsa of runners.  You can either pickup the Pace, pick the Pace, or run away with the Pace.

Racing Singlet - a catch tune or that short cut top that makes you look sexy for the bystanders.

PR - a personal request - usually at the beginning of a run, "Can we run by Krispy Kreme so I can carbo load?"  This can also be a Personal Roll - that fall during a run that includes a popping up on your feet saying, "I'm OK."

Runner's Courtesy - best to say, "On your left" than "Get out of the way!"

Injurathon - that meeting with other runners where everyone focuses and explains all of their injuries while the rest bow their heads in sympathy.

Masters - we've been running long enough to remember to smile at the camera at the finish line.

Fast Charlatan - that person that suits up for the marathon (water bottles, gels, body glide, cloth, gummy bears)  and then runs 3.1 miles.

Lady Gaga - that runner that has every new piece of gear including the ultra compressing while massaging you'll love them tights.  Unfortunately, not much of it looks good on her.

Breams - those dreams in the middle of a long run where you see the ice cold beer waiting for you at home, even if your run ends at 7am.

Runner - that person that leaves part of their body and most of their mind on a road to no where and enjoys the journey.

What would you add?

WTF - What The Friday - Camel Toes?

Camel Toe - definition please - when you wear that workout wear to workout or to Walmart tight enough it stuffs between your labia, hence looking like a camel toe.

Of course to educate myself, I looked up the definition and the best was in Urban Dictionary -

"When a chick wears her jeans so tight that her beaver looks like a camel's toe.

See also:
Cleavage,
Foot Fetish,
Whale Tale
Muffin Top

So you have a problem with camel toes and you do not want to buy clothes a bit bigger?  Here is your WTF salvations.

  

The Smooth Groove

For the athletic women, this item is a combination camel toe remover and cup for a woman.  It could also be a double bang, something for him and her, protecting both sets of family assets.  Just make sure your workouts are scheduled on opposite days, otherwise you'll be fighting over the Smooth Groove.

The Camel Not, this looks like a combination product, camel toe remover and bicycle seat cover.  I cannot tell if the fabric is chamois, if it is, then the designers again are hitting a dual crowd - get rid of the camel toe and not worry about butt chafing in one amazing project - of course, for three easy payments of 19.99.

If you are not sporty, then think of the Cuchina - we all know what this product means - don't let a camel toe ruin your chucie chuu!  Small enough to be worn with a bathing suit, this also has the moisture wicking quality to it and the absorbency of the best of depends.

Don't let National Geographic take over your wardrobe.  You don't need the whale tale, the camel toe, the muffin top and hippo bust - there are plenty of products that help take care of these problems.  Just make sure no one is within striking distance when you take these products off - we don't want to take an eye, or an ear off if they go springing from your body.

Have you ever proudly supported a camel toe saying, "I am all woman?"

ANOTHER Black Hole

In my family, we have these places called Black Holes - where you enter said establishment, and a while later finally stumble out with a shopping cart full of shit wondering how that huge dent got into your wallet?

I found another one today - Michaels Craft Store.

My sons asked for a Rainbow Loom - yes, they have jumped on that bandwagon as it sped by and want to make bracelets out of what looks like braces rubber bands for their friends.  That my friend, is a whole new blog post.  They wanted this Rainbow Loom - 16.99 and exclusively at Michaels.

I noticed a different smell as I entered the store - was that?  Pumpkin Spice?  Immediately I am confronted by the display of Pumpkin Spice Candles, Pumpkin Spice Wax Melts, Pumpkin Spice Car fresheners - well, it's that the smell of the season?  I add a few to my cart.

The Rainbow Looms are hidden behind the How to Use The Rainbow Loom books, the unique storage case for your Rainbow Loom and tools AND the new sets of BLING to add to the bracelets as you create them.  Who am I to not boost the creativity of my children as I add a few bags of braces rubberbands, some bling - then tell myself I am being frugal because I am NOT buying them the unique carrying case----they can use the unique Silly Band carrying case they still have from the silly band phase.

In order to exit the store, you must walk down one aisle, up another past all the wonderful sights and smells of Michaels.

I added some blue and gold silk cloth with different color jewels for a project I have in my mind.

I thought, "How wonderful if I buy these 200 packs of blank cards and envelopes, then this wonderful celtic shamrock stamp to create my own line of stationary for all the handwritten notes I plan to write?"

"Oh, and who can pass up the LIVE, LOVE, LAUGHTER stamp to go with it because isn't that my motto?  And, I must add the ink pads for the stamps, and LOOK, here's a professional set of pens - what writer can live without THAT?"

I feel a tickle in my throat and pick up a bag of cough drops as I stand in line for the cashier then a bottle of water because shopping can just wear you out.

My 16.99 dollar loom cost me 78.94 in the long run.

Problem is....

When am I going to find the time to great the unique gold and blue thingy I have in my head.  And seriously, am I really going to make and stamp my own cards when I send only emails now?

And did I look or did it say in big letters that the loom came with bands?  What are we going to do with 4200 bands when neither boy has braces yet?

I think that Pumpkin Spice smell in Michaels was laced with LSD causing all of us women in there to walk around like zombies throwing as much shit as we can into our carts.

Yup, a black hole that grabs your wallet, holds you hostage for a few days then dumps you with a cart full of crap you eventually hide in your hoarder closet because you feel guilty you didn't create that beautiful card.

Don't hold your breath if you waiting on a LIVE, LOVE LAUGHTER stamped card from me.

How do you know it is Fall?

Sure it is October 1st, but there are many other ways to realize it is fall, here's a quick list:

 

 Pumpkin Coffee, Pumpkin Muffins, Pumpkin oatmeal, Pumpkin Cookies, Pumpkin Ravioli, Pumpkin Gnocchi.  They came out with Pumpkin Spice toilet paper, that gives you a nice whiff in combat to other, well, other odors.  Now if they could just make Pumpkin Spice baby diapers.

The Spiders are taking over - they realize this is their last hurrah until the first frost - get all the making a web big enough that it covers between two trees, yet you cannot see it - until you walk through it then they get to run over your head.

There is butternut squash in the grocery store.  No one knows what to do with it, everyone buys it.  It sits in the fridge until winter rolls around and you can safely throw away the rotten thing because it is past fall.

Everyone talks about how happy they are to wear sweaters for the cooler weather.  Oh be honest, it has been a LONG summer holding that muffin top in - I know I am ready for sweater weather.

We can now sleep with the windows open.  Oh wait, there's that dog that barks all night long, I missed being able to sleep through the night hearing only the hum of the air conditioner.

Beautiful leaves are creeping on the trees.  Yes, and everyone sounds like Elmer Fudd while on four different brands of allergy medicine along with 3 different nasal shots, don't forget the Chloraseptic due to post nasal drip of all the crap you're trying to clear out.

Fall Festivals - yes every church, school, organization, PTA, yard sale has a fall festival.  If I get rolled up like a mummy one more time, I'm going Egyptian on them.

Halloween decorations - I don't need them, I've got plenty of spiders and cobwebs to cover this one.  I will however put something that screams in the path of my front sidewalk that is motion detected - because well, someone has to enjoy Halloween.

Mums - this is the "I am too lazy to dig for pansies and I'll leave what's left of my flowers in but cover it with Mums in pots to look like fall."  Add in the fake pumpkin on the front step and you have the "Aint nobody got time for that Fall decorations."

Fall is that season where we think about hibernating - which means running to Costco for your case of wine, to the ABC store for the whiskey for your hot toddies (because we'll all catch that fall cold) and then to the nail salon for your last pedicure.  We all know that the legs and the toes are going into hibernation until the first day of spring - so why paint and why shave, right?

What do you love about Fall?

Jury Duty - Russian Roulette

Today I had the pleasure of experiencing the Judicial System.

"You'll love it, you sit and read and relax while getting paid by work AND the courts," my friend explained.

I packed my writing, two books I was reading, my iPad and some new music to listen to - expecting to relax for a day and catch up on things.

Boy was I wrong. 

The very first group of jurors - 37 people including yours truly.

How do the people who've been here before look?  "Oh shit, I could actually be picked for a case!"

Me?  I'm confused, I follow everyone out of the big jury room to a small court room asking along the way, "Do we still get to read?  Do I still get to write?"

We go into the court room that's about 85 degrees and all have to sit crowded onto church pews in the visitor seating area.  Someone next to me lets out a SBD, yes a silent but deadly fart.  Oh, it's going to be a long day.

The judge then went through all the procedures:

All eyes on the judge.
You must listen to every single part of the procedure.
You must not talk.
You cannot do anything except listen to the procedures.

So we go through the set of questions with the first set of prospective jurors, and I'm thinking this is pretty interesting, maybe I could do this until they get to the trial lasting about a week to week and a half.  My mind starts moving into what I have to do if I get picked, and I start sweating, while someone around me lets another one loose.

The judge asks if anyone cannot do the trial and I am tempted to get up with the four others and explain that my husband is out of town, that my kids are in school, that I work 3 different jobs.  As I think to do it, another woman says pretty much the same thing and the judge not only sends her back to the jury pool but lectures her on her civic duty.

I start sweating more, and someone lets another one.

Each juror is interviewed by both lawyers who then decide to keep them or let them go.  It's like that horror movie, you watch the next person hit the hot seat, listen to them answer a question, cringe when they say something that sends them out the door.  The amount of sweat you produce is a direct correlation to the number of people around you walking out of the courtroom.

I'm getting to a point where I am mentally answering the question for them, "Don't tell them you have a heart condition, you can serve jury duty with a heart condition!?"

Another one out the door, next.

"Don't tell them your whole life's story, just answer the questions.  What?   He's a pastor, oh man, they are going to let him go!"

Another one out the door, the woman next to be gets called, another foul one wafting across the room.

What?  She can't hear very well?   I think she can hear just fine, you mean she's 68, no that's not too old - PICK HER!

We get down to me and one other person sitting on the benches staring at each other like, "Please let them pick you."  The jury is sat, they are interviewing the alternates, I'd still get stuck.  I smell something and almost look at her saying, "REALLY!"

The woman stands with a piece of paper, I hold my breath.  She looks at us.

It's her.

I sit back because, I am not home free yet.  What if she has Tourette's Syndrome, or knows someone in the case, or doesn't answer the questions right?  I find myself saying a little prayer.

When the first lawyer is satisfied with the woman's answers, I smile as I see her frown and start sweating.  The defense lawyer asks her a few questions, she is hinting around that she doesn't have time to do it, the lawyer stops with her looks at the judge and says he is satisfied.



I almost jump up as the last prospective juror standing and yell "YEAH!  NA NA NA Boo Boo!  To who ever was FARTING, you're stuck with them!  I'm out of here!  Oh Yeah, Uh huh! ALL RIGHT!"

Instead I quietly leave the jurors sitting in the box looking like they are the one on trial and walk out of the room, HAPPY that I am back in the stuffy, hot, sweaty room of prospective jurors!  I'd rather be there any day - thank you Lord!

What I did learn:

It takes a special person, most of the people sitting with me had been married over 15 years, with several adult children, AND held a job for over 20 years.  I figured out why, because upstanding people are the ones that ACTUALLY show up for jury duty.  The rest?  They are getting deferments or just not showing up.

And if you get called to jury duty, don't complain about sitting in the big room with all the other people - it is SO MUCH better than sitting in on a trial and figuring out how to rearrange your life for the next week and a half.

Oh, and bring Febreeze with you because it is much better than standing up in the middle of the proceedings and looking at the people around you saying, "REALLY?  WHO IS IT?"

If you do your duty, as I did and don't get picked, you're scott free for two years AND you make 12 bucks for the day.  A win/win right?

Ever been to jury duty?