Best Left Unsaid.....

Ever had a day where you'd like to say what's on your mind?

To People:

To the guy behind the counter with the dreds:  Yes, I did take 3 extra Splenda for my purse!  I just paid $5 bucks for a cup of coffee!  This is for the cup of coffee at the organic, wholesome, earth sustaining, natural coffee shop.  I can't do the stevia, agave, coconut oil, from the dung of a cow sweeteners they have, so I'll sneak in a Splenda and call it a day.  And you saved a 1/2 inch patch of the rainforest.

To the tiny little instructor at the YMCA - No, I cannot do that pose, my body will not bend like that.  I've given birth twice  and things have moved around.  They like where they are, they don't want me to try and move them back.  Can I just watch?

To the CheckOut Guy at the Natural Foods Store - Yes, I FORGOT my earth sustaining, reusable shopping bags AGAIN!  No, I don't want to buy more, I've spent more on those, my collection at home would make Whole Foods very happy.  Don't say a word and put it in paper please.

To the Lady in the Clothing Store - will someone please explain to me the sizing structure, because my usual size is feeling like a sausage casing right now.  Oh, these are the skinny jeans?  Well, please make the print a little bigger because I can't see that on the label, now help me get these off.

To The Gynie - How do you do it?

To the Nail Salon Lady - Thank God you do it!

To your better half 

On Trying to Look Good:  Do not say a word, seriously, don't say anything.  I'm wearing the slimming bodysuit for our night out and I can't breathe.  I am not responsible for what I say if my lack of oxygen makes me delirious.  Now, pour me a glass of wine.

On why you are going to bed - No, it is not business time.

To The Dog:

On Laundry - What is so delectable about the crotch of my underwear?  Don't even think about coming over to lick my cheek with your tongue.

On Going For A Walk - can you really smell the same pile of dung every day?  What is it telling you, its life story?

To The Children:  

On Time Out - Can't you be quiet for just 5 minutes?  Can you stop following me around the house all day constantly talking?  Can't you do it?  Just once?

On Short Order Cook - No, I don't feel like making you breakfast, I think you are capable enough to open a box of cereal and pour it into a bowl.  Oh, you want bacon and eggs?  When did we hire a short order cook and where is he?

On Maid Service - Don't you smell that?  Seriously?  Don't you smell that towel that's molding on the floor next to your bed?  It sort of smells like your feet!

To Your Friends:

On Facebook Status Update - Ya'll think you're funny.  Read this, now this is funny.  You'd better like it and comment, otherwise I'm not going to share any of your brilliant posts.

On Email - What?  I just said, "Don't worry about the sex trap?"  I meant to say, "Did you get the six pack?"  Stupid autocorrect.

At The Gym - Don't wear that workout wear.  Standing next to you it makes me look far, I mean, fat, stupid autocorrect.