Why I ride.....

I was excited about the Grizzly 40 miler, a ride through the High Country of North Carolina. Excited and very nervous as I do not participate much in bike rides, due to lack of experience, this time I had the experienced buddy (Keith) and another novice (Maria) to get me to the starting line and off.

We stood with over 100 people, very discreetly moving out way to the back, knowing that there was no time expected and going out with the super fast pack was out of the question. Picked a bad day to wear my Rock the Blue Ridge jersey, Maria in her Beech to Battleship biking jersey looking like we knew what we were doing but we didn’t. We had several triathlons under our belt and I two rides to boot, that was it.

Pacing ourselves for the ride, we were slowly making our way up that first major hill, when the police car went by, followed by the ambulance and then another police car. Dread in any athletes heart during a ride/race when emergency vehicles travel past, knowing that it’s someone that stood at that starting line with you full of dreams, hurt and not able to reach their goal.

When we came upon the accident, the upset of both the volunteers and police man had us both pausing, this is different, there is something seriously wrong. When told that we could not pass, that we had to wait because of an accident, I felt dread, when the third person comes and says there’s been a death, all I felt was panic. I pictured all those riders at the front, laughing and talking with each other, I pictured my friend turning back to me and saying, “Come on up ladies, let’s get going!”

There’s nothing worse than standing and being held back-helpless, knowing that people that you know were ahead, and were possibly part of the accident. I’ve seen it all during marathons, people passed out by the side of the road, seizures, ambulances; I’ve seen cyclists with broken necks by the side of the road. When someone is injured, you know there is hope. Knowing that there was a death makes this worse, because your mind already jumps to the worse conclusion, was I the one that talked him into riding this ride? The picture that jumps to your mind (before you can control it and block it) of that smile and “Come on Ladies, stop hiding there in the back?” After the dread, comes the panic then comes the determination. I almost felt sorry for the volunteers as those of us waiting start berating with questions, “Is it a he or a she? How old is he? Can you tell us what color jersey he was wearing? What type of bike did he have?” The poor volunteer knew our panic but also knew due to safety rules she could not tell us anything. We just sit and wait.

After what felt like hours, a volunteer comes and tells us, “The road is closed, you’ll have to turn back. But the person in the accident is not married.” The quick feeling of relief is followed by a feeling of guilt, I am glad that my friend is safe, should I be glad when someone else's son, brother, friend was there? We turn back, losing the feeling of the ride and pedal back to the cars, leery of the traffic, leery of the bike, leery of the race.

Tomorrow, I go out to ride. I go because it’s what I love to do, and I will not let this stop me. I may be a little slower, I may be a little more careful so maybe this accident was God’s way of telling a few of us, “be a little more responsible” but I will go out and ride. I feel this was fate, that this was his time, and not my friend’s time, that a few seconds earlier or maybe even a few seconds’ later things would be different. When you ride, there could be a dog, a squirrel, a patch of sand, gravel or it could boil down to the muscle twitch, you just never know.

Obsessing about the person, haunted by the wonder of what they could have done differently, trying not to picture the accident, the ambulances....trying to move it out of my mind. Trying to not let that accident mar a simple hike as my mind jumps to someone falling and I feel that fear all over again. Trying to put away the feeling of wanting to hang up the bike because it's dangerous-hell, anything can be dangerous, just ask the post rattlesnake boys.

Could I go down a hill with turns fast tomorrow, probably not-but I will go out there and ride, doing what I heard he loved to do, doing what I love to do. I’ll take the feelings of fear, helplessness, and panic and put it in a pretty little box with a beautiful bicycle on the side, close the lid and put it away to a special place in the back part of the my heart and my mind. Shut the lid on that box, clip in on my bike and pedal.