Just Sayin

Sometimes there are moments when I realize that even if this little babe is from MD, there are a few things that I just don't understand.

Like the phrase, "Just Sayin."  The Urban Dictionary defines it as not claiming what you "just said."

In my mind, this phrase is just a  cop out for saying what is on your mind and actually getting away with it.

"Honey, they tried pushing you back in the ocean because you were wearing that gray bathing suit.  Wear flowery bathing suits like me and it will never happen.  Just saying."

See here, you're telling your best friend that, I'm sorry, but you look like a beached whale.  To temper it, the "just saying" is your way of backing back out of the situation.

More Examples:

"Well son, had you picked up the dirty clothes off of your floor, the dog would not consider your room her bathroom because of the smell, just saying."

"Yes, I was all ready to make you that gourmet meal, but after pouring the glass of wine for the chef, it's chicken nuggets and carrot sticks.  Just sayin."

"No sweetie, those leopard skinned spanx pants are not doing what they are supposed to be doing.  Don't come out of the dressing room, just hand them to me.  Just sayin."

"I'm not sure if pulling your breast out in the middle of the National Anthem at a baseball stadium full of drunk dudes is such a good idea, just saying."

So do you think "Just saying," means,

What the flip were you thinking?

Listen to me, you'll thank me later.

Oh. My. God.

No.  Just no....

Or do we use it to say what is really on our mind and temper it with a little bit of honey, just enough that your friend/family member/significant other doesn't go with their inner sense and just slap some sense into you.

Finally, are you just saying what you just said, or just saying what you need to say?

Just saying.

Father's Day Ideas - WTF Style

So I ask the kids, "What should we get Dad for Father's Day?"

And their answers, yes, they were serious.

"We need to get Dad a pair of Volcom board shorts and a Billabong Tank top.  That way he will look cool like the other Dad's at the beach."

Close your eyes and picture this.  Dad, of course has hit and past the 50 bubble so a tank top and Volcom shorts.....well..

"Let's get Dad the New Black Ops Ghost game for Xbox 360.  He'll love playing the game with us."  -Uh huh, he doesn't even know what an Xbox is.

"Let's get Dad some new ski pants, the ones he has are dorky.  He needs some Neff ones."  Well, Dad probably wouldn't look right with ski pants that have a comic face on them with the label of Jenyus.

"We could make him breakfast.  Wolfgang makes good toast."  Reminds me of the year they brought him breakfast in bed, toast and PBR.

"I know.  We'll do all the chores that day.  Then he won't be mad when he gives us our allowance."  We are starting to make progress here.

"We could just be good," one says.
The other one looks at him, "For a whole day?"

Me, I think for a few minutes, look at the smiling faces of the minions we've created.

"Let's just buy him a good bottle of bourbon."

Happy Father's Day.

Father's Day or Taking One For The Family

Why do we celebrate Dads?  Here's a few good reasons:

They were the original butt sniffers.  Sniffing the butt tells them whether or not to conveniently hand the child over to Mom for a diaper change.

He can fix anything with duct tape.  Yes, a leaky pipe, a broken bicycle seat, a rip in snowboarding pants to a child's attitude.  Duct tape takes care of everything!

They love science.  Especially the Science experiments in the refrigerator.  My husband just took a plastic container out of the fridge and almost fell to him knees when he opened it.  Or the piece of meat he pulled out of the freezer, looked at us, saying, "May 26th 2001?"

Not many people can handle fishing.  Or fish hooks.  Or fish hooks in the finger.  Or fish hooks in your brother's hair.  Or fish hooks in your ear.

They take a lot of crap.  Specifically with a plunger.  Because.  Well, they do.

He doesn't mind moths.  Especially those that fly out of his wallet after summer clothes shopping for boys.

Nothing bothers him.  Dads can fall asleep anywhere.  Preferably the snoring kind, that way they drown out of the noise of the children.

The Dad telling his son to pour glitter on himself and stand in the sunlight to attract girls?

Epic.

Finally,

Who else signs on for 18 years of loss of sleep, an empty wallet, arguing and smiles about it?

What Dad Really Wants To Hear....

Jut in case you haven't looked at the calendar, Father's Day is right around the corner.  Here's a few hints of things that Dad would REALLY want.

Wife, "Honey, you are right!  That lecture about how dirty my car is has inspired me to go detail my car MYSELF!  Where's the toothbrush and Windex?"

Child, "Wow, was I raised in a barn?  Let me go and clean my room!"

Child, "Sure Dad, I'd love to go and clean out the garage with you.  And you know what, I'm not even going to complain!"


Child, "Oh, I'll go ask Mom, you relax Dad."

Dog, "Just for today, I'm not going to take a crap by your side of the bed.  I'll do that over by Mom's because she's the one that picks it up anyway."

Cat, "Father's Day?  Whatever."

Child, "Dad, I found all those tools I took out of your tool bag.  And I put them all back!"

Child, "Dad, that lecture.....it just builds character.  I get it!"

Child/Wife:  "No, we don't need any money.  It doesn't grow on trees."

Child: "Were we just fighting?  Don't worry, Max has removed the word STOP from his vocabulary."

Child, "Oh, you want to sit and relax?  OK, I'll just go up to my room and quietly finish this project I put off until the last minute alone."

Wife, "You've lost something?  Honey, I love spending time together looking for it!"

Child, "Oh Dad, here's that money I said I would pay back, with 8% interest!"

And finally,

"Happy Father's Day Dad, hold the fire extinguisher, we'll go ahead and light the grill for dinner!"

WTF - Gym Style

The nice weather is here, I'm outside as much as possible and for very good reason.  There are reasons why I do not like going to the gym, and there are reasons I do like going to the gym.  We'll start with the bad news.


Reason Number One:  Those white spandex tights you think are not see through, well they are.  And the Juicy on the back of your underwear was the reason I spit water all over the treadmill.

Reason Number Two:  I don't need to see you without a shirt.  Believe me, there are a few I wouldn't mind, but please put your shirt back on.

Reason Number Three:  There is nothing worse than a strange smell on a yoga mat.  I have now purchased my own after running screaming for the shower after one particular class.

Reason Number Four:  If I wanted porn, I'd watch it at home.  Listening to you moan like a bad movie when lifting weight is not doing it.

Reason Number Five:  Those ladies walking around the locker room like they own it naked.  Especially when they come up to me while I'm naked saying, "I like your bra, where did you buy it?" Personal space people!

Reason Number Six:  An extra bubble in the hot tub.  Where the hell did that come from?

Finally, sometimes going to the gym can make you dumb.  Maybe it's something in the air, or something in the weights.

I went to the gym, with bad weather figured I'd take a run on the treadmill.  Set my RunKeeper, started the treadmill, and got in a nice 6 mile run.  Feeling refreshed, I looked down at my App.

What the hell?  It says I didn't do anything!  I just ran 6 miles.

What is wrong with this thing?  I think as I shake it.  Maybe I need to update it again.

I pause.

Oh.

I was running on a treadmill.  I really did go nowhere.

What are your favorite things about the gym!

What Happens In The Proctor's Mind, Stays In The Proctor's Mind

Those in North Carolina know that we have our EOG, End of Grade testing this week.  Another definition according to Wikipedia, a method used for measuring eye movement and for ophthalmological diagnosis - I think this translates to how quickly can we put teachers and proctors to sleep and keep track of the results!


As a involuntary (OK, voluntary but it took a lot of teachers making me feel guilty) that I became Proctor of a Grade 7 Mathematics EOG test.  In a nutshell, a Proctor is a person that must walk through the room, not saying a word, not helping anyone, not really doing anything but walking through a room trying to look busy, not saying a word.

Yes, yours truly that cannot go more than a few minutes without imparting my wisdom, usually on random strangers had to go through 4 hours of EOG.  So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my thoughts as I wandered that room.

I've got to do this HOW long?
OK, that chair looks like a torture chamber.
What is that smell?
Why am I here?
Who's idea was this?
What is that smell?
What did that instruction mean?
How do the kids do this?
Who's fooling with the thermostat, it feels like a sauna in here.
Only a three minute break?
It's only been ONE HOUR?
What is that smell?
OK, Think of a story idea.
Think
Think
I've got nothing.
Who's humming in here?
Is it proper to write IDK and WTF next to the question?
When's the next break, it's only been 15 MINUTES!
Something in here smells rotten.
Oh My Goodness, she hasn't even started the calculator active part YET?
What do I do with the kid sleeping.
That smell is back again.
Please, I will pay you to turn on the AC.
Let's replay my favorite movie in my head.
Dang, I forget the ending!
What would they do if I started tweaking right now?
Naw, they'd have to take the test again, these kids look like they'd kill me.
Oh, break two - 3 minutes to get that crick out of my back.
Wait a minute that means 2 MORE HOURS!
I am screaming in my head.  SCREAMING.
WTF WTF WTF WTF
*sucking my thumb*

The best part, once the test was done, the teacher picks up the tests, turns and says, "You are to do nothing, not make a noise, nothing, until I return.  THE PROCTOR will tell me if you misbehave and have to take the test all over again."

26 pairs of eyes turns to me as she leaves and I spend the next 10 most uncomfortable minutes of my life, worse that asking one of the girls in middle school if she had an extra pad in the lavatory!  They stare at me like I am the enemy, I will not tell them what was going through my mind.

What did I learn?

I can survive 4 hours without my cell phone.
Wow, I have the most interesting conversations in my head when I am actually listening.
I had no idea kids could make those types of noises with gum.
I had no idea kids could create such art with eraser dust when bored.
It is not fun having a kid give you the death stare, especially when it is not one of your kids.
My voice sounds different after surviving 4 hours of not saying a word.

WTF - Belly Wrapping Questions By Boys

So they were supposed to be out biking for at least an hour.

I was planning 30 minutes.

Enough time to get my Pinterest inspired belly wrap up and where it should be.

But they came back in mid wrap.

The oldest walked into the kitchen, yelled, "Oh my God," and covered his eyes.

The youngest was silent and simply ran back out the front door.

****

30 minutes later - when they deemed it was safe to enter the house and not witness Mom's House of Torture.  They walked into the kitchen, where I sat, calm, checking Facebook.

They walked slowly looking my body up and down.

"Are you still doing it," the youngest asked.

"What," I asked.

"You know, that thing you were doing, with the green stuff and the plastic."

I look at him, "I wasn't hiding a dead body, I was just detoxifying my body with a homemade Pinterest wrap."

They both look at me.  "Is it still on," the oldest whispered, acting like I've got the ebola virus under the plastic and it could infect them.

"Yes."  I say, taking a step toward them.  They both step back.

Then they are curious.

"Are you wrapped in plastic," one asks.

"Yep," I answer.

"All the way down," the youngest adds.

"Yep," I answer.

They both look at each other, I'm wondering if they will disown me for my vanity.  Or if they will never see their mother again with out plastic on her body.  Perhaps they will love me and accept me, wrap and all because I am-----their mother.

"What happens if you fart?"


Wow.  I never thought of that.