Snorzle - Definition Please

A new Wednesday Word for the Writer in the house

Snorzle - pronounced "SnourZel"

Variations:
Snorzeled
Snorzeling - being the snorer


Definition Please - When a loud snore from (pet, husband, wife, child, parakeet) disrupts that Johnny Depp moment of your dream fizzle to awareness.

In a Sentence Please - "Jeez, I watched Fast and Furious right before bed but my honey snorzeled right when Paul Walker was opening the door to the camaro!"

Snorzel - don't let it happen to you!

Best Left Unsaid.....

Ever had a day where you'd like to say what's on your mind?

To People:

To the guy behind the counter with the dreds:  Yes, I did take 3 extra Splenda for my purse!  I just paid $5 bucks for a cup of coffee!  This is for the cup of coffee at the organic, wholesome, earth sustaining, natural coffee shop.  I can't do the stevia, agave, coconut oil, from the dung of a cow sweeteners they have, so I'll sneak in a Splenda and call it a day.  And you saved a 1/2 inch patch of the rainforest.

To the tiny little instructor at the YMCA - No, I cannot do that pose, my body will not bend like that.  I've given birth twice  and things have moved around.  They like where they are, they don't want me to try and move them back.  Can I just watch?

To the CheckOut Guy at the Natural Foods Store - Yes, I FORGOT my earth sustaining, reusable shopping bags AGAIN!  No, I don't want to buy more, I've spent more on those, my collection at home would make Whole Foods very happy.  Don't say a word and put it in paper please.

To the Lady in the Clothing Store - will someone please explain to me the sizing structure, because my usual size is feeling like a sausage casing right now.  Oh, these are the skinny jeans?  Well, please make the print a little bigger because I can't see that on the label, now help me get these off.

To The Gynie - How do you do it?

To the Nail Salon Lady - Thank God you do it!

To your better half 

On Trying to Look Good:  Do not say a word, seriously, don't say anything.  I'm wearing the slimming bodysuit for our night out and I can't breathe.  I am not responsible for what I say if my lack of oxygen makes me delirious.  Now, pour me a glass of wine.

On why you are going to bed - No, it is not business time.

To The Dog:

On Laundry - What is so delectable about the crotch of my underwear?  Don't even think about coming over to lick my cheek with your tongue.

On Going For A Walk - can you really smell the same pile of dung every day?  What is it telling you, its life story?

To The Children:  

On Time Out - Can't you be quiet for just 5 minutes?  Can you stop following me around the house all day constantly talking?  Can't you do it?  Just once?

On Short Order Cook - No, I don't feel like making you breakfast, I think you are capable enough to open a box of cereal and pour it into a bowl.  Oh, you want bacon and eggs?  When did we hire a short order cook and where is he?

On Maid Service - Don't you smell that?  Seriously?  Don't you smell that towel that's molding on the floor next to your bed?  It sort of smells like your feet!

To Your Friends:

On Facebook Status Update - Ya'll think you're funny.  Read this, now this is funny.  You'd better like it and comment, otherwise I'm not going to share any of your brilliant posts.

On Email - What?  I just said, "Don't worry about the sex trap?"  I meant to say, "Did you get the six pack?"  Stupid autocorrect.

At The Gym - Don't wear that workout wear.  Standing next to you it makes me look far, I mean, fat, stupid autocorrect.

Hi, I'm a loser Mom and so glad to meet you....

Middle School Orientation where all us rising 6th grader parents stumble around a new school with that deer in the headlights look on our faces.  I was right there with everyone, riding to the school and getting a little lost (I can't find my way out of a paper bag).

"Didn't you say everyone had to come in SMOD?"

I wonder what SMOD is, some kind of new drug?   "SMOD?"

"Standard Mode of Dress."

"Oh yeah, that's what the email said."

"Then why is everyone else not in SMOD?"

Well, lookee here, hmmm.  "How about that?"

Luckily, when we arrive at the classroom everyone is looking very SMODY, including my son.

We go to homeroom, and that's when I meet her.  I don't like her.

She's waiting in line for the teacher, behind us, writing notes in a pretty pink notebook.  What is she writing?  I think, grabbing an old receipt from my purse to look like I am prepared.

"So what book did you read?"  She asks my son, immediately he looks from her to me.

"Book?"

"The summer reading list, they only have to read one," she pulls a list of 10 books out of her volumious purse, of course, everyone on her list had a check mark next to it.

I jot down the list of books on my receipt, thinking guess we have some work to do.

When it's my turn to talk to the teacher, she jumps right up there with her son figuring that since we stood in line together, we are best friends, we can do everything together.  No sirree Bob.

"Oh, I don't want to forget to give you this," she pulls out a decoupaged laminated card with all of her son's allergies and all the important contact numbers.

The teacher looks at me, I could write my numbers on the back of the Food Lion receipt but then she'd know about the case of PBR's on there.  I hand her a business car, "Sorry that's all I got."

The teacher looks between the two of us, I feel a big L glowing on my forehead, "Have you met Loretta?"

I shake hands with super Mom as the teacher says, "She's been visiting the school prior to open house, we got to know each other well."

Loretta smiles, "Oh I came SEVERAL times before school let out, then volunteered my time to help reorganize the library.  It's so nice to be back at school.  Have you been here before?"

I frown, does getting lost looking for the airport count?  "Why, yes, I came to open house in May."

"Oh, they've changed a lot since then, the bathrooms were repainted, I was a helper with that.  And they were able to upgrade some of the computers, I'm part of the PTSA, you can always make a donation through me."

We tour the classroom, then I leave him to go to Parent Orientation meeting.  She's right behind me, "I'm so glad our children are in home room together,"she says as she slides into a chair next to me.  My only thoughts are this room is hot, there's no air, how am I going to stay awake?  As each speaker talks, she furiously taking notes in her notebook next to me.  What is she writing?  I think looking at the cheat sheet in my hand.  Watching her add electronic deadlines in her calendar, and write out a flow chart, I feel the L on my forehead again, and pull out my phone to try and figure out some type of note to write.  Two email checks and one facebook status update, I've realized the assembly is over and it's time to get our kids.

"Have you gotten all your supplies," she asks me as we walk to the classroom, why is she still with me?
"No, I wait until Open House that way I get an actual list from the teacher," I reply.
"Well, I always get all the basics early on sale, then only have to add from the teacher, but since I was here earlier in the week, I was able to hit the 2 for 1 sale at Staples," she says.
"Oh yeah, I'm sure you bought the Ticeronda pencils, when right here it says MECHANICAL PENCILS ARE PREFERRED, take that!"
"Oh, we always buy mechanical pencils, Bradley loves those."

Well good for you, I'm going to go and fight it out like a Black Friday sale for the last pack of graph paper, and be out at Walmart at 2am the night before school starts because we'll forget something.

We reach the classroom, her son and my son walk out looking like they've become friends.  Dang, guess I am going to be seeing more of her this year.

"Did Ms. Laughinghouse tell you I'm the Grade Parent," she asks smiling sweetly.

It's going to be a long year.....

How to tell summer vacation is coming to an end!

1.  You hear yourself say, "Oh?  What's that?  A stove?  What?  You mean you want me to do something with it?"

2.  You're contemplating a taser because the approach of EARLY mornings has you very, very afraid.

3.  You're back to reading nutrition books, trying to remember the four food groups - realizing they are not pizza, burgers, watermelon and sweet tea.

4.  You've vacationed in beautiful places, and come home realizing you have WAY too much clutter.

5.  Wondering how everyone outgrew their clothes over the summer - including yourself!

6.  Have this strange obsession with office supplies - trying to find the perfect mechanical pencil.

7.  The beach chairs are going back on the shelf in the closet, the Thigh Master is being pulled back out.

8.  You walk through cobwebs in your own home, not I haven't cleaned cobwebs, but I haven't been here in a while cobwebs.

9.  Your children actually say, "I'm sick of going to the pool."

10.  You actually cry at the thought of dropping them off on that first day of school - with joy.

The Key to Daddy's Sanity!

Traveling to Washington State with the boys is a lesson in patience and flexibility.

My oldest wants to be just like his father, so he's packed his briefcase with all his plane essentials.  His new Kindle Fire he won at a Stacker game (yes, he is still telling everyone this), his phone, his computer all his cords, his headphones, his iTouch and his license (his IdentaKid card.)  Thus begins the Curse of the Key.

You see, the briefcase has a lock, and and lock has a small key that goes in it.  My son locks the briefcase.

Hubby, eyeing TINY LITTLE key in his son's hand:  Son, should you lock that?

Son:  I don't want anyone getting into my stuff.

Hubby:  Let me hold the key.

Son:  No, I got it.

Hubby:  really, I'll put it in a safe place.

Son as he puts it in his pocket:  I have a safe place.

We start going through security.

Hubby:  Son, you have to take everything out of the briefcase to put in the bins.

Son, fumbling:  Ok.

Hubby:  What's wrong,

Son:  I'm finding my key.

Hubby looking at angry line behind them:  Did you lose the key?

Son:  No, it's in my pocket.

Hubby:  Well find it pretty quickly, we have to put this stuff on the belt.

Son:  Wait a minute.  Dad!

Husband shoving his hands into son's pockets until Finally the key is located, the bag put on the belt and we go through security.

On the airplane, my son pulls everything out of the briefcase for use on the plane, then locks it again to put in the overhead bin.

Hubby:  Do you have to lock it?

Son:  What if someone steals my stuff?

Hubby:  I don't think anyone will steal your stuff on the plane.

Son: You never know.

Hubby:  Let me hold the key.

Son:  No, I got it.

We enjoy the plane ride, as we land and everyone resembles the Who Concert trying to get off the plane, my husband pulls the bag out of the over head bin.

Hubby:  Hurry Up, put everything away so we can get off the plane first.  (he likes to be first)

Son:  Wait a minute.

Hubby:  What's wrong.

Son:  I dropped my key, wait a minute.

Hubby starting to resemble Rumplestiltskin:  Hurry Son.

Son:  I think it fell in my seat.

Hubby looks at me:  I am throwing away this briefcase.

We carry all his stuff and the locked briefcase off the plane into the terminal.  Son is upset about the key, hubby getting ready to throw away the briefcase, son puts hand in pocket.

Son:  Oh, here it is, wow that's good.

Hubby looking back at tiny key:  Great.

We watch him put all his stuff back into his briefcase, and LOCK it with the TINY key.

Son:  Don't want anyone taking my stuff.

Wednesday Word of the Day - Sand Rash

New word learned at the beach:

Sand Rash - pronunciation (saaannndd rahsh alternative pronunciation "Owww!")

Definition Please:

A large area of skin that comes in contact with the bottom of the ocean due riding a large wave which then takes you and slams you on the bottom pulling you along to shore taking out everything in your path - kids, sand toys, chairs, bathing suits.  Skin runs along the sand, scraping off the old epidermis revealing new softer skin which then turns pink and burns, usually turning into a nice dark scar from the sun as it heals.

(Ladies do not do this for a free facial, sand rash is not all covering your face could turn blotchy.)

Also caused from heated beach volleyball match, running too fast to chase children, or trying to look like Bo Derek in the sand.

Can you use that in a sentence please?

"Oh my gosh, took out a kid, lost my bathing suit top but will you look at the sand rash from that one?  Man, that hurts."

Sand Rash -