Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mother’s birthday, and each year I really miss her more and more. Losing a parent is a loss that lingers, gently reminding in little things during your life-a song, finding a gift they gave you, remembering a trip, dusting off Christmas ornaments. When the memory comes back, it’s a dull ache, sometimes intense when you realize how long you have to wait to see them again.

As a woman, losing my mom makes me learn on my own about growing up and taking care of children. Sure I’ve got a great network of friends always willing to give advice, but there’s a conversation between mother and daughter that is special, daughters know that they can ask their mother ANYTHING. It starts when you are young and your mother starts teaching you about being a girl, explaining more to you as you stand on the threshold of being a woman, to the little things that make a great Mom. I wish I could ask her questions now about behavior, some simple like – was I this messy when I was growing up? Did I obsess the same way over something to the point of nausea? To the more complex type of questions, when did you start to go through The Change? How do you grow old gracefully?

Take some time as your New Year’s Resolution to sit and have a conversation with your mother. We always say talk to your grandparents, those elderly relatives – gain knowledge from them. There’s a special person there ready to talk about those things you may be too embarrassed to talk about, the one to help you be comfortable and provide that guidance in the process. Take out a piece of paper and sit with your mother and remember, ask her simple questions and write down the answers, videotape her answers if she’s comfortable with it, make a pot of coffee and really learn about her as a child, trials and tribulations into adulthood, what it means to be a parent.

There are many questions that pop up now, and I wish I could ask her. Her greatest gifts to me was that she was THE strongest woman I ever knew in my lifetime, so I just tuck those questions away and try every day to be the caring, strong, never give up, wonderful person that she was. Happy Birthday Mom, may your present be someone sitting with their mother and enjoying the bond that is mother/daughter.

What? My HI-C isn't good enough?

This Mom needs some lessons on retaining my sanity. How do you other Moms do it? I mean really how do you do it? I waltzed into my youngest child’s Christmas (oops, Winter snack) party with my grocery bags and the checked items on the list from the “Grade Mom.” She looked at the HI-C with slight disapproval (really? They were on sale and aren’t Christmas , I mean Winter Snack parties all about jacking them up on sugar and letting them lose on the parents. And who put the blue frosted cupcakes over there right next to the big bowl of Hershey’s kisses) then put them to the side. When it came time to pass out the food, she politely told the other Moms, “We can’t serve these juice boxes, they aren’t cold.”

My first thought was that a: this MUST be her first Christmas, I mean Winter Snack party or B: this was her first child or only, I mean single child. The juice box wasn’t cold enough? It sat in the trunk of my car overnight, lady!  My kids sucks these babies down so quick they’d never even know what flavor it was unless reading the box. But, I was not the “Grade Mom” so we put my lukewarm juice boxes over to the side and passed out refreshingly cool Capri Suns. Next came the snack items I was supposed to bring. Again they looked me up and down as I shoved two grocery bags at them, “Chips and Salsa, see that’s what I checked on the Mommy list.” Only then did I realize the other bags all had beautifully decorated bowls for their food, sparkly serving utensils, and the recipe printed out on recipe cards for all the other Moms to take home. In our house we grub, we take some chips throw them on a plate and pour the salsa on them, I didn’t have jack to go with them.  But I did buy the good salsa, the stuff that was buy one get one free!

“What can I do to help?” I asked as the three much younger Moms started working the food.

“Nothing we have it,” they started pulling out color coordinated cup cakes that were placed on a special handmade stand out of cereal boxes so that all the cupcakes resembled a Christmas Tree! I mean, really? How do they do this? How do they have time to hand make the cupcakes, individually wrap the wienies then give them ketchup dots for the eyes of the dogs? Don’t they realize that we’re all busy, that all us real Moms haven’t even started our Christmas shopping, was relieved when the chips and salsa wasn’t already taken on the list, would have made our stand out of wine boxes AND laugh at the word wienies? I wonder this as I leave them to make their feast and sit and relax with my ANGEL waiting for the grub.

After everything was so meticulously put together, once the dinner bell rang the 1st graders looked like a Who Concert going after that Cupcake Christmas Tree and it toppled after two kids grabbed their dessert first. My chips and salsa disappeared while a lot of the whole grain macaroni and cheese sat untouched. Of course, just like their Moms, the kids of Super Moms made gift bags for everyone in the class and hand stitched scarves for the teachers.

I’m coming prepared for the next Christmas, I mean Winter Snack party, I’m pulling out my chocolate fountain. That’ll take the Cupcake Tree anyday.

If Santa Had A Dog.....

My son asked me that question, got the creative juices going.....

If Santa had a dog, he’d be a little dude,


To the front of the sleigh, he’d be glued.

What color would the pooch be?

I’d think snow white, yes, that’s what we'll see!

Would he have any spots, any at all?

A few brown ones, maybe one black I’d call.

And barking, would the little dog bark?

If it’d get the reindeer going, he’d provide the spark.

And why a he, why a he would he be?

I can’t answer that, it just came to me!

Santa’s little dog would spend 364 days napping,

Then one day of the year he’d get cracking.

He’d nip at the reindeer, make them get in line,

He’d sniff all the toys make sure they were fine.

He’d lick Santa’s face not once but twice,

He’d wake Santa EARLY, just to be nice.

He’d run through the town chase all the elves,

He’d even chase his TAIL in spite of himself.

Santa’s dog would be a big part of the fun,

Cause he’s eating all the cookies on Santa’s run!

And if there’s a child that spies in the night,

He’d bark them back to bed in a fright.

Perhaps he’d just hide under the tree,

Looking like a stuffed animal for a child to see.

Santa’s dog would be a fine, loyal friend.

A helping hand as Christmas eve came to an end,

He would love flying with Santa in the sleigh,

Sticking his head out the side barking HOORAY!

He’d play fetch with the elves, run for the ball,

He’d play in the snow and come when they call.

He’d disappear in the tall Christmas trees,

With his thick fur, he’d never freeze.

Then finally after each present was under the tree,

They’d sit by the fire, sipping Christmas tea.

Lying at his feet, the dog’s tail would wag,

As patting his head, Santa would brag,

“What a wonderful night, the kiddos are set,

Sleeping, dreaming of what they will get.

We did a great job, you and I,

Now another 364 days till we fly.”

Santa would pull out a candy cane, the dog's favorite treat,

“Merry Christmas, my friend, something to eat.”

And finally, the biggest question of all,

If Santa had a dog, what name would he call?

That furry friend, that loyal dog, that soft fluff of fur,

Would he call him Snow, Christmas, or simply Burr?

Santa’s dog has to have a name that makes you tingle,

So we’ll give a great name, how about Jingle?

My son’s brush with the law!

My sons and I spent two full days exploring the Smithsonian Institues museums and the Capitol building of Washington DC. All these wonderful museums are FREE! OK, not totally free, they’re spending our tax dollars on these treasures (one of the only reasons I smile when I get the bill from the tax man) and this includes all these great escalators in each building. Escalators to children are TOYS, great places for them to get exercise running up the wrong way, to challenge themselves on how long they can hold onto the side without letting go as they travel down , to Olympic Challenge-how many steps can you take at one time while traveling down. See? A child I’m sure created escalators because they are TOO MUCH fun!

Enter the law, these are the grinches of the season that want to keep our children safe (really?) so in order to keep my son out of the slammer, I kept telling him that control on the escalator was free along with a great lookout (just kidding) so I spent two days saying, “Don’t do that” and “Walk the escalator” and “You’ll get caught.” Did he listen to me?

The last day at the Air And Space Museum I traveled down the escalator and waited for the boys and their friend. After what felt like a HOUR with me wondering “Where in the hell are they” finally I see one boy coming down the escalator, behaving surprisingly VERY WELL! He’s followed by my sons, one with a sucked on a tree full of lemons look on his face as he points to my youngest child who has the deer in the headlight look. They look at me then get off the escalator, and walk over and travel back up.

After another 10 minutes, they come back down and walk over to me, the youngest looking at the ceiling rather than looking me in the eye.

“MAX, got caught running up the escalator….” My oldest grumbles.

“Yeah, the guy made us ride in down the right way,” his cousin adds.

“Sorry, Mommy” my youngest whispers.

“He said that he could take us in, that we could cut our toe off playing on the escalator,” Wolf adds.

I look up and there’s a vinegar faced guard staring at me like really Lady, I can try to make them safe but be a parent please, so I mouth up, “I told him so.” Tis the season to be a kid again, just not when it comes to escalators, just ask Max, his new name is DeEscalator – he says he only wants to take the stairs now.

Christmas Shopping Made Simple!

There's a very simple way to get all your Christmas Shopping done in one day.  A easy trick that has you moving so fast that before you know it you're doing wheelies down Reynolda Road because you've filled the car with so many gifts it can barely move, one look at your list and it's done!

Divide your list into those who like food and those who don't, this is very important in your categorization because if you accidently put someone who doesn't like food on your food list, then the food is left in your house and you will get fat.  So make your list and check it twice before using this easy approach. 

Take your food list and go to Costco, make sure when you go to Costo you go hungry.  Pass all the food stations in Costo and tell yourself that you cannot sample any of the delicious wares until you finish your food shopping.  You'd be amazed at how many Hickory Smoked Sausages look GREAT for Uncle Earl and Aunt Betty, and how much little Richie would love the 5 lbs of cream puffs you bought for him.  You'll make it in and out of that store in less time that it takes them to heat up those LOVELY swedish meatballs and set them out for tasting!  After celebrating half of your list as gone, move to the "thing" people.

To get this done as quickly as possible, stop by your favorite restaurant and enjoy a glass of wine with your friends.  Once you are nice and relaxed take that trip to Walmart (you'll need the relaxation at Walmart) and start your shopping.  With the warm fuzzy feeling there's all kinds of great things you'll find to finish up your list - ammo for your hubby, fishing lures for the cousins, magic fade creme for your mama, and that Carhart your Daddy's been looking for!  Everything under one roof and using the express checkout makes sure that everyone behind you is nice and mad, having you peel wheels out of that parking lot.

Come home with all your treasures, wrap them up and send them out the door usiing bulk shipments from the US Postal system.  Sure, you could drive over to Uncle Bubba's and drop the present off yourself but time is money and it's worth your while to pay the shipping to not have to sit and partake in that venison stew!

So shopping made easy, do it in one day and celebrate victory over the mall!  What are your tricks to getting your shopping done early?

The hubby's early Christmas Present

My husband got a wonderful early Christmas present yesterday.  We signed up for a Thanksgiving celebration and tree cutting over at a local development I work for thinking a pretty tame event, lunch and a tree.  Lunch was great in front of a huge BBQ pavillion, everyone huddling by the fire as it was 24 degrees outside, then it was time to go and cut a tree.



Cut to director, he walks by us and says, "you're fine" then goes and talks to a few others in minivans, they all park their Baby Buses and climb in with him in this HUGE hummer.  We proceed up the mountain on a paved road then start down the backside of the mountain on a dirt road.  My husband goes from yelling at the boys to childish glee as he says, "I think I need to put it in 4 wheel drive".  You see his truck is new and this is his virgin backcountry drive.  He says, "The truck is equipped with automatic sensing but on roads like this I think we'll all be safer with 4 wheel drive."  He explains to me how the sensing the road stuff works and that it's something special (that was translated for us women, from the technical lecture I just received)

Nik our smore hot apple cider guy

We continue down a hill, climb over some rocks, slowly go over a ditch all while I hear commentary how the other trucks are "much slower" than his, that they must not sit as high - he purchased an off road package that has the truck sitting higher, "I am glad I got that package going back through here."  His package (no, his truck package) includes some type of red thing that makes it stiffer, of course my mind went right into the gutter with that lecture - package, stiffer, easier ride?



Do these trees make my butt look big?



We stop at a fire ring sitting in the middle of a valley, and more guys come out - they are our tree cutting guys.  They pick off the guys in the acura and tell us that our Avalanche is fine and I think I see my husband puff up in pride.  Hearing "You'll make it all the way" makes him nod at me and say, "see that off road package was a smart purchase."   We go down more narrow roads, up a hill and end up at a secluded Christmas Tree Farm nestled on the hill.  The boys jump out and run and disappaear into the trees, yelling and screaming with other children.

I'm freezing (it's 24 degrees) as we're walking looking at trees, the kids are lost in the maze screaming, I hear a chain saw going and am glad that it's not followed by a scream(you know Jason thing)  We're followed by guys with axes (luckily no banjo music) waiting for us to pick our special holiday decoration.  When we do pick one, two men make quick work of bundling then cutting the tree AND taking it and putting it in our car!  Of course we're glad they were there because we came woefully unprepared with out an axe, or saw or even string.  But we got the truck  and the off road package to get us there!

He takes us a little quicker on the way out, the kids squealing as we slide a little bit, my honey with his manly, 'Don't worry the wheels have special shocks that (i can't remember what they do, insert something about mud and dirt and torque and whatever here) we stop and look out over the mountains with smores and hot apple cider and as I watch them enjoy this I know that a memory is made.  I think, "this is it, this is the holiday season" as I hear about the red something shocks added to the truck for just those ditches we went through and the special mats that hold the mud and water after off roading - the kids got a memory of a great ride and actually cutting down a Christmas tree this year and my husband got an early Christmas present, a great ride using all the cool stuff that comes with a new truck that makes a man feel like a man.  Sometimes it's not about the truck but about how great the ride is (insert snicker here.)

Hiding behind our pictures

Ya'll seen plenty of pictures of my feet, I hide behind those feet because it's much more fun to be open when there's just feet showing then when a picture of my smiling mug is showing.

I've watched people change profile pictures to encompass children, pets, flowers, trees, anything under the sun.  I value my feet because they've taken me everything where with only a few complaints, or blisters, or bunions along the road.

Periodically, there's a change in profile pictures that causes a slight case of stalking in my case.  I watched one "friend" on Facebook change his profile picture to a well, ahem incredible picture.  He went from the abstract to a "me" picture.  Hence a bit of stalking, does someone this cosmopolitan call Winston Salem home?  Is this the real picture or is it just like my uncle that picked a picture of a favorite celebrity to call his profile picture.  So stalking I go, and when looking at the other pictures I find more of the same and begin to believe that maybe this is in fact his profile picture.  A noise behind me causes me to turn quickly feeling guilty a little like looking through that hole at the construction site and getting a finger in the eye.  I move away from the profile telling myself to keep my lid on and move on down the newsfeed on my site, but I move one more time over the picture before putting it quickly to rest.

Do you stalk people on Facebook when they become your friend, do you look through their pictures?  What do you think about people looking through your pictures and you don't know it?  I have nothing to hide, just quite a few feet pictures that may make people smile.

Oh wait, someone else just changed their picture......who's that?  Let me go and look at their pictures........

The art of surviving pumpkin carving with boys!

The poor pumpkin sat there for days, awaiting his fate.  It is a his, because my boys named him, "Turdalicious" no really, they were talking that but I made them settle on "Punky Pumpkin" boy Mom can be so boring.  So poor Punky watched as the boys came running out of the house with Psycho style knives, then after my yelling coming out again with the smaller Criminal Minds knives, the ice cream scoop (my idea).  We rounded what we needed with a stiff martini for Mom and at least two sips before the games begin.

I wonder if I should be afraid at the maniacle looks on their faces as I let them hold the knives to "sketch out" the face for Punky.  The first try at sketching involved a serious stab into the poor boy, so I banished them as Mom sipped the martini and started taking the lid off of Punky.  Once the lid was off, this is where the ice cream scoop came in, what easier way to carve out the "guys" (my boys term) than with an ice cream scoop!  The ice cream scoop along with two little arms to pull at the "gooey, chunky, yucky mass" (their words) we hallowed out Punky.  I have to keep the boys from stabbing each other, from taking off a finger as they both dig out the eye, keep them apart when they argue about who got the most "guts" out!  I can't tell if they enjoyed more the stabbing of the pumpkin or the gooey insides (is there an episode about this on Criminal Minds?)  Then we came to the face, both explained they wanted a scary, yet funny face.  A pumpkin that would have trick or treaters running screaming but would make them laugh.  How in the heck do you do that?  Another sip of the martini and I figure you're typical pumpkin face will accomplish the "look" we are going for. 

5 minutes into carving the face, I realize I'm by myself.  Both boys have disappeared to watch spaghetti cat on youtube and left me to stitch up poor Punky's wounds.  When I come in and ask them what they are doing, they simply tell me they are waiting for me to finish so they can supervise.  Aren't you supposed to supervise during the project?  And when do kids supervise the parents?

We make Punky into a true Jack o Lantern and they both say, "Our work looks good!"  Their work, their work?  I'm left with cleaning up the pumpkin goo, roasting the seeds, and finding the candle to bring Punky to life.  Little trick I learned, put the GOO in water and the pumpkin seeds will float to the top!  Punky and I high five each other and bask in the glory that is Halloween!  BOO!!

My PERFECT day!

Tomorrow will be a perfect day!


I’ll wake up tomorrow morning EARLY enough to make my wonderful family and healthy and wholesome breakfast of whole grain pancakes, turfurky bacon, AND some fresh organic fruit. While they eat and talk about everything they are excited to learn that day, I’ll put the finishing touches on 26 cupcakes made with my own homemade cake mix and then frosted with my personal frosting system for each letter of the alphabet. I include a few more cupcakes spelling out Old Richmond Elementary for the teachers lounge because we “appreciate” our teachers.

Arriving at school ON TIME, I have plenty of time to walk my boys to their classroom, delivering said cupcakes along with all the fundraising orders totaled, collected and alphabetized to help the teacher. On my way out, I stop by the office and take a minute to stuff all the take home packets for several teachers before leaving into the sunshine of the day.

I make it to my gym class early and have time to setup my bike correctly, get cold water for my bottle and stop and talk with the instructors about the proper way to do a sit up. After the gym, I’m home with plenty of time to clean the house, dust the bookshelves, clean the baseboards, collect all the money sitting in the couch AND make that batch of cookies to greet the boys when they come home from school. The bus drops them off 10 minutes late so I have PLENTY of time to sort the laundry and fold them neatly in everyone’s drawers.

The boys are home excited about their day at school. They tell me, “No Mom, we have it. Our teachers told us that we need to work on our homework by ourselves. We’ll fix ourselves a snack and sit at our desks and finish our work.” As they do their homework, I’m sorting through the paperwork – check for school pictures, early….chocolate needed for teacher gift basket-got it…

The uniforms are sitting on hangers by the door as the boys prepare for cubscouts. They cubscout books are waiting to go, the badges completed sorted and color coded according to earned, halfway through earning, on the list to earn. The scout meeting turns out is a den meeting but I’ve still got leftover cupcakes from school with a trip to the grocery store before the boys came home from school and left the bag of Cheezits sitting in the trunk.

Once home, the husband is there to kiss my cheeks-complimenting me on such a job well done on my day, he asks if there is anything he can do to help with putting the boys to bed as they take all their homework packing up their backpacks and making their lunches for the morning. They all go up and go to bed without a single, “Are you coming up?” or the 15 goodnights before they fall asleep. I sit with a good glass of wine and Criminal Minds is featuring a story all about Shemar Moore with a surprise visit by Vin Diesel. I go up and my toothbrush is charged, there’s still toothpaste in the tube AND there’s no sleeping pill needed as my head hits the pillow for some blissful slumber.

I wake at 430am, “Shit, it was just a dream.”

Athlete's Amnesia

This started at a trip report on the Knob Hill Climb in Boone, NC.  The Knob is a 2 mile run - easy peasy, right - wrong!  This is 2 miles of PURE HILL, the kind of run that has your legs burning, your lungs burning, your head aching, your mind cussing, and I stand at the bottom of this hill EVERY year!  It's athlete's amnesia, that's what it is.

Athlete's Amnesia is a cousin to Baby Amnesia, the Kelly Melang definition - that state of mind where your brain blocks the BAD and REALLY BAD parts of an experience where you are left with only the good memories.  In birth, this is the "honey, we're gonna have a baby" to "here's your son" - I can't really remember much in between thought my husband has full memories of the "I hate you's, why did you get me...."  never mind.  In Athletes Amnesia, you remember standing at the bottom of a hill, or on the shores of that lake, or on the beach looking at the ocean, then remember the medal around your neck!  You remember BEING DONE, not what it took to get to that finish line.

In Athlete's Amnesia, like a fool you sign up year after year(hopefully not too make more kids).  You come back again to that race and as you start up that hill and feel ready to heave again, the memories flood back.  "This feeling of my insides burning, it seems familiar.  And the ache in my lungs and my legs, I seem to remember this.  This is so painful.  Oh yeah!  I remember this curve, I threw up over there!" 

Standing at the start line of your Half Ironman and the memories come flooding back, "Oh yeah!  I'm out here for over 6 hours.  Why in the H%LL did I sign up for this again?"  "This is the same spot I started getting the back ache.  Did my feet hurt this bad last year, oh yeah, now I remember!"  Your mind laughs at you as you kick, claw, scratch, puke your way to that finish line.  It then conveniently takes those memories and tucks them with the labor contractions, the stinky diapers, the cleaning up dog poop, the snot, the tears, the drool.

So you're sitting at the computer and an email pops up again, "Don't forget to sign up for The Knob Hill Climb....."  Stare at that and think, "That's not too bad, it's only 2 miles..." and start signing up.  Or you watch an Ironman on TV and think, "I've done a half, I could do a whole," forgetting all about the blood, sweat and tears that went into it.    Heck, I guess it's better than thinking, "How about another baby?"  Or "A puppy isn't THAT hard...."

Ever had a case of Athlete's Amnesia?

In my mind I am Lance Armstrong

In my legs there's a totally different story.  I stood at the starting line with  my team from St, Timothy's Episcopal church scared to death.  I'm a lone rider,a triathelete, used to always staying 2 bike lengths behind other riders (or disqualification) so a mass start to this ride, with a sea of humanity waiting to start, I'm nervous about the new bike, the new clips, and simply keeping up!

My goal the first day is 50 and I'm amazed at how quickly things go by and great I feel all day!  The end of the Rock The Blue Ridge I simply fell over, but this was different, sure there was a fair share of hills but this was -----FUN!  5 broke away from our peleton in their breakaway group but we didn't care, we simply chugged along and enjoyed the ride.  We stopped and ate all the rest stops (was there food?  Man, there was food) we rode with others, then with each other.  It was nice having people to talk to during the ride.  We lined up together for the picture moment at the end, "so no one finishes last".

The second day, huge black clouds loomed and I promised my sweet husband I'd do 30 and get home early.  We rode as a group, pulling along, feeling like part of the Tour as we snaked along the side of the road.  My 30 mile turn came up and before I knew it I was talked into the 40 and just kept on going, I watched the clouds get darker and darker and bagged the 50 figuring that I wasn't going to tempt my luck and turn back!

I learned the lessons of riding in a pack, of keeping the line, how the front riders pulled everyone along (thanks Lori, Dwayne, Keith) yelling about cars, gravel, slowing down, holes, runners and all the things that keep the ride exciting.  I had a great teacher helping me figure out drafting, her waves telling me to get closer to her wheel-throw caution into the wind.  Being with such experienced cyclists was a little unnerving but they helped me ride along and at the end of the each ride when I still felt pretty good, I know it was their work.

We did our 90 miles for muscular dystrophy, we enjoyed each other's company making the rides go by quickly, we drank a few beers and talked a little smack about how much faster we'd be next year as we go for the century.  It's these things that make me sign up for things I really shouldn't sign up for, but putting my first 90 miles in two days (on a new bike) and still feeling alive-no crashes no LOVELY falling over in the clips incidents, I'm already looking at the race calendar.  When have you been pleasantly surprised?

A lesson in humanity - traffic court

I've traveled around the world, I thought I was prepared for anything.  I've squatted over the holes in the floor in Japan to do my business (now I know why they have vending machines just for tissues), I've ridden on the back of a Harley through Sydney, I've watched friends eat coagulated chicken's blood.  I thought I was well traveled, until I hit traffic court....

I got a ticket for expired registration after the sheriff whispered to me, "Probably not a good idea to pass a police officer on the highway." I could just pay the fine, but I'm cheap so I figure I could save the $160 dollars and go to traffic court.

Boy now I know why people just PAY tickets.  I arrive at court 15 minutes early and wait in my car until closer to 9am.  When I go into the courtroom, I realize that a:  it's a first come, first serve system and b: I could be getting in line a lot earlier had I known.  Then I wonder, how did all these people in here know this, are they experienced traffic court sitters?

This court room is such a huge swath of humanity that it takes me back as I sit in the line with two other people WAY TOO close on either side. I sit next to a granny who got busted for doing 91 in a 60 mile hour zone, then another woman who was in her 40s after chemo therapy for colon cancer with her 22 year old boyfriend (yes, we learn too much about each other when stuck in a court room waiting for the judge).  There's too many mullets to count, tatoos, screaming children, saggy and butt revealing pants and then there's.....the smelly dude.  This guy made me think of Pig Pen from the peanuts, remember the dude that had the black cloud that sat around him, this dude had a smell that just sat like a black cloud around him and all of us sitting around him.  As the first odor of stale shit, wafts my way,  I cursed now knowing that had I come in earlier I could be in a MUCH DIFFERENT seat.  Immediately I start breathing through my nose and notice that a few more around him are looking his way and holding their nose, OK, it's not just me.

There's those smells that you can politely dismiss, then there's those smells that are so bad you can almost taste it!  This guy's go a lime green nuclear cloud hanging over him until finally the sheriff feels sorry for us and comes over and sprays odorizer in the direction of the offender.  Our next two hours are lively as we discuss the cause of his smell, the nature of his smell, how to get away from his smell.

After two hours of living in the smell, finally he's called to the seats in the front.  All of us breathe fresh air and sigh in relief until we realize that....."Next 6 take your seats in the front...." we're back in the shit, I mean smell, really it's that close again.  We become friends in this court, joking with each other as he inches closer to the judges chambers on his his ticket is gonna go.  Everyone at this point is holding their nose around him.  FINALLY, he's called into the judges chambers.  Just like we thought, he was there a total of 3 seconds ("DISMISSED, now get out of here!) and black cloud Louie leaves the courtroom.  Several spray hand sanitizer on the seat he occupied, the Sherriff sprays Febreez in his shadow sort of like the flower girl following the bridge with the petals.  In a small way I feel sorry for the dude, maybe he was sick, nah he just needed a shower.

I get called in, my charges get dismissed in 15 seconds so I figure....$160 dollars, 2 hours of enduring Stinkmeister, equates out to $80 dollars an hour - not a bad hourly rate when you think about it.  Mullet anyone?

How a Marriage Works

Jeff and I were talking last night and he asked me, "How many years have we been married?"  Silence......

Funny story about how our marriage works.  Jeff hates it when I waste money in wasting food.  So I bought a whole chicken with the intentions of cooking a gourmet meal for us (lemon, tyme, stuffing all the fixins) but I put the chicken in the bottom drawer of the fridge and promptly forgot about it.  (when's the last time YOU looked in the bottom drawer of your fridge) So a couple of weeks go by and I realize I forgot about the chicken by the smell.  What to do?  Rather than fess up, I go and bury the chicken in the bottom of the trash can and set them out for pickup.  Done deal, lecture averted right?

No, the next morning, we're getting ready and I'm shocked to see my husband running through the house in a business suit with two large white trashbags going up each arm.
"What's going on?"
He stops for a second, "You're not gonna believe this, but there's a raw chicken sitting in our front yard!"
I don't even pause, "How'd that get there?"
He walks out the door, "I don't know but I gotta get it before they think we're into some voodoo shit!"

So there you have it, a great way to keep your marriage happy.......ok, I fessed up as he came back in, but I couldn't help laughing through my confession.  Voodoo shit?  "Those Melangs, you know they've got raw chickens and I swear I smell incense....."

I didn't end up in the dog house by not knowing how many years of bliss, we settled on "a long time" last night as our anniversary approaches, I guess I've got to get out the invitation to count the years.  That's the secret, rolling with the punches and laughing!  Have you ever found a chicken in YOUR front yard?

Ever had one of those days you almost got arrested?

No, I’m not talking about the perfect day in a Mom, when you wake and feel like you actually slept the night, when your children come down completely dressed and ready for school (complete with shoes on their feet), then you get many complimentary emails, beautiful comments from your friends on Facebook and dinner plans that sounds pretty simple.


No, my day was what my children like to call, “opposite day” where rather than the usual relaxing cup of coffee, the Nazi General was out as everyone overslept and I was the only person with the bus on their mind. Kids and hubby ran around like Keystone Cops (man, I’m dating myself) and miracle enough everyone got out of time and I was alone with my thoughts.

I had an agenda on my mind. First get the checks at home into the bank. Drive down Reynolda Road and make it to the bank, but alas, I race through the drive thru at 50 miles per hour, the teller looking at me strangely as I try to mouth, “I forgot the checks!” Back down Reynolda road home picking up the checks. Almost to the bank, I realize I picked up the wrong purse and now with louder curse words to another surprised customer in the parking lot head home again, I wonder why the tell called the manager as she deposits my checks on my third trip to the bank.

Finally home, I get back to my emails and find a few “groans”, you know those emails, the ones you see hit your inbox and you immediately groan before opening. (the good ones that say, NAME OF BILL OPEN IMMEDIATELY or WHY HAVEN"T YOU CALLED YOUR SISTER or VOLUNTEER OPPORTUNITIES NEED ANSWER) Before I can reply, instant message box pops up on Facebook, the cursor blinking-if I leave it alone will it show that I am sleeping? Probably not because I just posted something 1 second ago and someone has already “liked” it!

Two more checks hit the mailbox and I want them in the bank before 2p, time to race Reynolda Road. Just as I am trying to get out of the house, the dog proudly prances in the house after having a blast rolling through some stinky smelling dog shit in the back yard. What to do? I need to make it to the bank, the dog smells like shit so I throw her in the bathroom and shut the door, she can’t spread her joy around the house until I get home.

This time as I go through the drive through of the bank, I notice a police car sitting in the parking lot. Is it because I’ve been driving up and down Reynolda Road and past the bank several times that someone called about “a potential robber casing the joint?” Luckily, I’m not pulled and frisked in front of the bank, a stop at the grocery store reveals that I don’t have my debit card so it’s back home again jiggity jig!

Finally home, I’m lucky enough the dog is small and fits in the sink, she snorts, indignant that I had the gall to wash that LOVELY smelling perfume off of her hair. Oh wait, it’s only 2pm and who just popped up on instant chat on Facebook? Groan!

Breathe

I drove over to Appalachian Ski Mountain for my first organized bike ride yesterday. It was a long 30 minutes because the entire way I was talking myself out of doing the ride. Could I last the 35 miles? I’ve biked part of the parkway and here’s a little secret, the hill from Moses Cone to Grandfather Mtn kinda sucks. So as I drove over, I knew 16 miles of that ride pretty well, what would the rest be like? I’d convinced myself that I’d just go over and check it out, maybe get the water bottle and other swag then ride the Parkway on my terms. But some very nice volunteers had me signing up with some great confidence builders, “that What you ran 7 miles yesterday? Oh, you can do this.” So with shaking hands, I signed my “you could die on this ride” waiver and got my bike out.


Here’s what I learned on the Rock The Blue Ridge Parkway Ride:

1. This WAS a ride, you tell them what time you’re leaving and off you go. Not sure what happens if you fall off a cliff.

2. It starts with a nice downhill until you get onto the parkway, the a LONG uphill that gets you in the mood for the ride, left half a lung around milepost 296, plan on going back and looking for it.

3. Riding up the long uphills, it’s all about rhythm, keep your feet going in a rhythm and the breathing then starts to mimic, even if on a few of them I sounded like one of those 1-800-HOT-CHICKS phone calls.

4. Laugh at yourself when you get lost and add another 2 miles to ride, realizing it when some guys say, “You’re doing the 75 miler too?” Sure they looked surprised, but I did too as I turned around. Wait, WHY did they look surprised?

5. Flat Top Dr is nothing but flat, very enjoyable riding the last two miles UPHILL to finish the ride. Lost another lung on that one with a few curse words that are still echoing through the mountains.

6. I can’t tell you any part of the parkway that isn’t beautiful, even climbing up Shulls Mill Road with very tired legs I marveled at the waterfalls, rhododendron, rocks as I fell over.

7. There’s nothing better than finishing up with Bluegrass, beer and bragging. Nothing tastes better than an ice cold beer when you've pushed yourself!  This also include a cool jersey and some great pictures showing I was actually there, including the lungs I left along the way (maybe someone will donate them).

The best part is pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, even if it meant going by yourself and having great conversations with yourself along the way (I only caught myself saying, “Huh” once!) Another bucket list event crossed off, wait a minute, isn’t there a 75 miler to this ride? And that, will be another story!

What’s your bucket list bicycle ride?

THE CLAW!!!

There are few inventions ever made that a mother hates, I mean HATE with the capital Hof the word.  Oh sure, Silly Bands, they are up there, but there is one that is our children's first taste into what HELL was like!  Honestly, whoever invented this probably made a deal with the devil on this one!

The machine is THE CLAW, that game in the arcade that has the metal pinchers that follow where the user guides them fall down into a plethora of-----bling, stuffed animals, wii games, wallets, gold rings, gold bars, whatever it is but NEVER comes up with anything!  Wait, I correct myself, the first time your child plays they win something, creating the PERFECT addiction!  (Didn't the devil say something about temptation?)  They know it can be done, so if it takes 26 dollars and 75 cents to get that Pink stuffed octopus which the machine drops RIGHT before it goes down the golden shoot into their hot little hands.  This tragedy is followed by the child looking at parent with pleading eyes, and another "Just 4,573 more quarters Mommy."

Typical joyful experience at the game room with my angels:
"Mom, can we play games?'
"Yes, here's 500 dollars each, be careful,"

a total of 5 minutes go by....

"Mom, can I have more money?
"What?  What happened to the $500 I gave you?"

"I played the CLAW, but this time I know it, I can WIN EVERY TIME!"

"The wallet's empty."

Then the claw crying begins, it's the crying and whining that they didn't win, which moves into the crying and whining for more money when you've already left a mortgage payment behind.  Blood plasma selling anyone?

They watch you put the magic card into the ATM and it makes more money for the claw.  Just when you have them convinced to give up, the CLAW pulls out the BIG guns!  For some strange moment the wii game that was buried under the stuffed animals all of a sudden is visible!  This prompts that begging for more money because, "This time they'll win, they just know it!"  One child finally gave up and crawled into the machine for that MAGICAL stuff animal!

Why is the Claw hell?   I think it's a great way for God getting us to want to let our children go! What does the CLAW mean in YOUR life?

I can still remember the words to THAT song!

I've had the pleasure of hanging with 3 kids (two of my own) for the last days of summer break.  Surprisingly, we've had a blast, I'm not ready to drive by the school and kick them out of the car!  Funny thing about hanging in the car traveling to different places.  These kids surprise me in that they know all the words to Soul Sister by Train, Ok, well almost all the words.

We're listening to KISS (ugh, really?  Who really wants to be a Billionaire?)  and as each song comes on two of the kids are singing with it!  When did they hear those songs?  Hear them long enough to know ALL the words? Were they secretly listening to the radio while I thought they were READING?  (Honestly, who really read all summer?) 

So two of them are singing the song, while the third (my youngest) is trying his best to keep up.  He's making up words, sort of humming/singing until he gets to a part he knows then he belts it out, "Hey soul sister...."

I remember those days of summer, hanging with your friends listening to the radio (we didn't have ipods) and singing songs.  In honor of those little voices in the back of my car, here's a few of my screw ups when singing songs:

When he walked into the room, there was poo poo in the bag.  (correct:  When he walked into the room there was voodoo in the air.
Country Roads, take me home, to the place that I LUUUVV, West Virginia, mount your momma, take me home.
I dug my key into the side, Of his pretty little souped-up ALLwheel drive  (the Mom side of me showing supposed to be 4 wheel drive)


So we're off in the car again, I'll listen to them and see if they come up with any other good ones!  Sad to say, I'm still singing along with my songs, now on OLDIES station but still remember ALL THE WORDS!!

What's your favorite song?

Lessons Learned at Great Wolf Lodge

Our second day at Great Wolf Lodge and there were lessons learned here that will help any family thinking about the pilgrimage to this mecca of enjoyment for children.
1. This is a resort for kids. Don’t expect the adult side of the room to have any amenities-soft bed, small couch, table and two chairs, that’s it. The TV’s position in the “kids cabin” is such that even at its lowest setting the sound will bounce right into the adult section of the room and make any conversation or anything on the TV unheard.
2. Forget taking a picture of the bucket dumping water on people – forget it, you won’t get the picture. You’ll either get wet or lots of pictures before or after the water dump. Sure, there’s a bell warning you that it is coming but you’ll still never make the picture.
3. Don’t sit by the water spouts – after watching one woman sit on the water spout for 15 minutes and then a man (yes, a MAN!) lay on the water spout for a few minutes, I resolved to never go near the water spouts of any splash park for obvious reasons. The lifeguard walked by and looked at them then looked at me with a, “What do you want me to do?” look. Really!
4. Game room reality – you will spend a mortgage payment in the game room and leave with very sad children. They’ll each have a few tootsie rolls, a plastic rings and a bracelet but cannot let go of the thought that had they gotten !,745,3746,564 tokens THEY TOO would win the Wii or the motor scooter!
5. Just when you think you have some confidence, a man walks past you with prettier boobs than yours-there goes the confidence!
6. Once you’re showered and dry and ready to leave, some kid or his father will squirt you from the Jungle Gym so you’re back to looking like a drowned rat just in time for your two hour drive from the Great Wolf Lodge.
7. You’ll be short in the wallet, water logged, and nauseous when you leave Great Wolf Lodge you’ll have great memories in your mind and be ready for the trip NEXT YEAR!

And I thought Silly Bandz were Ingenious

Closing in on the last days of summer, we wanted to cram in that last little bit of sunshine, I mean, fun things to do. Our family always ends the summer with a “last hurrah” and every year it’s a trip to Wet and Wild! This year we decided to do something different, we went on a LONG trip (45 min) to Concord and The Great Wolf Lodge! Ooohhh Ahhhhh! In case many don’t know me, I’m cheap and this presented a great deal. Check in at 1pm, use the water park until 9pm, then use the water park until 9pm the second day! So we booked our Kid’s Camp and packed a bathing suit and went on our way.

The Kids Cabin is a small log cabin the kids sleep in complete with their own TV and three bunk beds. We knew this place was made for kids when they had more amenities in their cabin and the lodgey feel than we did. Our side was a VERY soft bed (did not make Goldilocks happy), couch, table and a TV we couldn’t hear because the kids TV was bouncing off the walls to us.
Here’s the ingenious part, this lodge has a large indoor waterpark that remains a constant 84 degrees. As we checked in at 99 degrees and 100% humidity, someone was smart enough to create a place even adults are happy with, The Great Wolf Lodge! The kids eyes rolled back in their heads as we entered the waterpark, and I was pulled in three directions almost at once. Max and I started on the easy slides, me looking all cute in my bathing suit if I must say so myself. As we waited, I heard a constant bell dinging,

“What’s that?” I asked the lifeguard at the top.
“Oh you’ll find out,” he said with a maniacal smile on his face.

And I did as 200 gallons dumped out of a bucket at the top of the contraption I was standing in right down on me and all the kids waiting for the water slide. So much for looking like Pamela Anderson on Bayway (no snide remarks here please) Looking sufficiently like a drowned rat, they pulled me to the rest of the slides (mom, will do it now her hair’s messed up). We rode mats down through tubes, we robe a float down more tubes, we ended up on something called the tornado. Now here is a nice sidebar, Maria takes all the kids on a nice gentle log plume ride and says, “You take them on the next one, if it’s anything like mine it will be FUN!” Sure.
This is called the Howling Tornado, should have been a red flag there. We climb in the tube and both children vote and make me the one that rides backwards (NICE). The Howling Tornado dumps us down a tube, into a pitch dark tube with another leave your stomach at the top drop before dumping your down this wall into another tube that shoots you out the bottom. I was still back at the first drop when the ride ended.

So ingenious, indoor water park where you don’t have to worry about sunscreen, bugs, or rain, complete with all the favorites – fudge, pizza, coffee, sandwiches, and BEER and you have The Great Wolf Lodge. As the kids settled down listening to their recants of the waterslides brought a smile to my face until I realized, “we’re doing it again tomorrow.” Maybe if I start with the slicked back look, I won’t look so much like a drowned rat.
Is it worth the price of admission? I’ll tell you after day two. What other ingenious things have you found in your travels?

What smells trigger your memories?

I was stumbling around the kitchen after sleeping way to late in the morning and opened the Starbucks Coffee. The smell came out and wafted around me, immediately I was taken back to good memories, pre-k memories (pre kids) when my husband and I would travel out to Seattle and visit with family.

Most say it’s a song that brings back visuals, others it’s a taste; to me it’s a smell. I get snapshots of feelings with pictures in my head when a smell triggers a memory. They are more intense that me trying to tell someone a memory, it is like time opens up and for a split second I am back there feeling what I was feeling at the time. I’m a little sad when the memory disappears as quickly as it came and I’m back to sipping the coffee thinking about what just happened.

There are sweet memories with smells, rose milk my grandmother used to wear (I wore it and got stung by two bees), Love’s Baby Soft and fuzzy sweaters and first kisses, Origins Ginger Essence and my Mom, Burt Bees Baby Shampoo and watching children splash in the tub. There’s also the hospital smell and saying goodbye, the smell of lilies and my Dad’s funeral. I’ll go back to honeysuckle and lying by the fence sucking on those tender flowers anyday.

I’ve got a bottle of Love’s Baby Soft sitting in my medicine cabinet and find that whenever I’m feeling down, I’ll pull that bottle out put in on and instantly there’s a smile on my face as I’m transported back in time for that split second! What smells trigger memories for you?

Getcha Motah Runnin!

Traveling into Boone, we’ve been and done all the important places – lunch at Mellow Mushroom. Wandering around the city, we decided to do something different our first step out of the ordinary was the Rock Climbing wall at Footsloggers. For Max this was a first time, I paused as they pulled out the paperwork of Wolfgang’s first attempt and he was exactly the same age as Max was now! Boy, time does fly when you are having fun.

Wolf scooted up the wall pretty quickly on the first try and I was amazed that both boys made it to the top of the wall with almost little effort. The best part was watching the smile on their faces as they made it to the top of the wall, as a Mom I was a little scared because this was a REALLY HIGH wall and as my little peanut made his way up, I tried not to hover or act like a MOM. On Max’s third attempt he picked a pretty tricky wall and halfway up lost his nerve and got stuck. We got to a point where we thought he was going to give up but with lots of encouragement from Wolfgang, LOTS of talking from all of us, he took a deep breath and made it to the TOP! His swagger after was funny.

The next stop was the Fun and Wheels go-carts. We paid for a ride, and were informed that both kids were considered peanuts and couldn’t ride the big cars, they had to go in the Junior Racers. We walked out and over to a track that was about the size of the a hot wheels tracks with cars that looked like they belonged on Little Tikes!
“Man what a lame track.” Wolf said.
“Yeah, this makes me look like a baby,” Max added.

The clouds parted and the sun came out as the attendant came over to us and said, “You’re at the wrong track. You guys are over here in the Junior Racers!” The boys looked like they’d been given the Holy Grail as they climbed into the Junior Racers on the big track.
“Gas and stop. You have five minutes,” the attendant told the boys as he jumped out of the way when Max hit the gas.

The first run around, the guys told me that I need to stand behind this barrier because, “MOM, go around again?” As one guy jumps out of the way and Max runs into the barrier in front of me, guess I know why they told me to get out of the way.
I laugh watching my sons cut each other off, watching them with the “I’m scared as shit” look on their face along with the exhilaration of, “I can’t believe I’m driving a gas engine!” As the clouds rolled in and thunder boomed in the distance right as their 5 minutes of heaven was done it started to rain. The nice guys working the park jumped out of the way as both boys forgot they had a stop pedal to the car.

Ever thought about that, that just when you THINK like is delivering something you really didn’t want, circumstances change and it’s heaven in a 9 and 6 year old eyes? Have you ever walked away from an opportunity that, had you stayed JUST A LITTLE LONGER you’d find paradise that you didn’t realize was there? Take that time to not only be in the moment with people you love and watch that joy on their face but also take that opportunity and go with it because you don’t know where it will lead. When will you take you that opportunity?

Do you follow directions?

So it’s been a week of decompressing from our great trip in the RV. I got to sit with some friends who’ve done many of the trips before. It was a hilarious and education experience.

“How do you do it, traveling from Florida to Canada and bring all that stuff with you?” I ask.
“What stuff?”
“You know dishes, linens, towels all that other stuff?”
They look at me strange, “Why didn’t you get the kitchen kit and the bedding kit?”
“Kit?”
“Yeah, you can order all the dishes, pots and pans, sheets, towels all that stuff and it’s in the RV waiting for you when you pick it up.”

I pause for a minute remembering how to cook on my one pan with plastic forks that kept melting when I tried to turn the bacon, a kitchen kit would’ve been pretty handy. “Didn’t know you could get a kitchen kit.”
They then ask the infamous question, “Did you watch the orientation video?”

All I needed to do was fart because I felt like a real smacked ass. Watch the orientation video? Who has time to watch the orientation video? I was busy bouncing around the house in excitement with the boys! Get two boys and one Mom to sit still and watch a video as it buffers in the computer! Naw, we just went right ahead with our one pan and 4 plastic cups! And you know what, it worked out!

We had some great meals in very interesting places (3 building Little Switzerland comes to mind) we got to realize that we did miss Daddy’s home cooked meals, we bonded as we lived off of lunchables and smores for dessert. Of course, had I received a facebook message or email about wanting the kitchen kit, I’d probably be all over that one!

Ever had an experience where you forget to plan something and something wonderful happens?

Are you crazy?

<==yup, there is a place called Foamhenge!

If you don’t want to reach for the Kleenex then pass this one by. So many people said to me when I started this journey, “Are you crazy?” Like so many things in my life, I listen to everyone say that I’m crazy, then just go on doing what I’m doing because life is all about getting on with things (I heard that at the rest stop on the Parkway) isn’t it? If I’d listened to people I’d never have so many races under my belt, not gold medals but lots of COOL medals, but who cares, it’s a MEDAL! I’d never put myself out there and let people in with my writing (lord knows I do better at writing that the other touchey feeley stuff) and enjoy hearing others say they’ve read it and enjoyed it! This time I put caution in the wind and gasp, went without a plan to travel the Blue Ridge Parkway.

I am so glad I did this and there are many reasons why, so here are a few (cue Kleenex here):
Watching my son catch a butterfly and proudly “save” it into the flowers.
Watching another draw in his field journal of the snakes we saw.
Walking the trails and explaining why the trees from the Southern part of the Parkway are SO different from the Northern part of the parkway!
Lighting my first fire – WITH the help of a firestarter.

Learning to rethink people at the campground, how generous, how open, how helpful how funny they are at this special place tucked away from the cynical world. The “we’s all family” at the campground is what they really mean! I wish I were as open as all the special people we’ve met along the way (they love my children by the way, can’t blame them eh?)

The most important reason is watching the look of wonder on their faces. I’ve learned TOO YOUNG that life is short and you live in the moment and hold what’s dear close and let those distractions go! Both of my parents have passed and each time I experience something really cool with my boys it makes me miss them, I remember those times with them exploring and learning, the yelling at us, frustration, my Dad’s stinky pants but it’s these things that teach our children to be who they want to be and know that we love them. So if it’s Max’s stinky feet on the trip, or what explodes out of the refrigerator on each turn of the road, I love having these memories not just for fodder when I’m in my wheelchair at the old folks home but for my boys to use as a role model for their children!

Take that time to show people you love that you love them. What’s on your agenda for today?

Mountain Hair!

I realized why everyone wears funny hats in the mountains! Every tourist attraction you visit there’s people in straw hats, fishing hats, bonnets, kerchiefs, pith helmets and I just found out the reason why – it’s MOUNTAIN HAIR!

There’s something in the water up here and that will after the first mountain shower make your hair look like shit for the rest of your trip. Maybe hairdressers have some unholy alliance with the mountains to remind people that they desperately need a haircut when they get home!
Mountain hair sounds really nice when you describe it as: windswept curls framing her face as he looked over the moors at her, his long lost love from another time. But here’s how Mountain Hair is really described: The straw like hair stood straight up as the humidity pulled it out until there was full kink. The hair then settled like a bee’s nest on top her face making it look small and old as he ran away from her in the other direction.

To keep from scaring away friends and neighbors, we in the mountains just wear hats-that way no one really knows what is going on underneath the cover up, especially that single guy looking at the girl of his dreams from under that very fashionable straw hat. Keep the hat on until the marriage vows are said, shot gun or no shot gun cause we are in the mountains, then let them know that they are committed when the hat comes off! He’ll buy you every fashionable hat to cover up when you’re back in the mountains, and he’ll know why!

Any other places that wreck havoc on your hair?

Staring into the abyss of hell...

So the three of us stood at the sewage pumping station staring into the hole in the side of the RV. After a week in the albatross, we finally succeeded in filling up the "black water", even the term black water was an attempt to make it sound better, but black water coming out of the black hole didn't sound good to me. I was stilling to keep me my mind off the thought that gallons of urine were sitting in there waiting to come out.

Wolf was holding the instruction manual with the RV, and stared at the hole. "At least all we did was pee in the RV, right Mommy?" Yup, that was the one shining light in all of this, we only did "number 1" in the RV even if a few times it meant an emergency swerve into the visitor center for "number 2." How could three people make enough "number 1" to fill the tanks of the RV? Maybe that was why we were so slow going up those last few mountains.

"It says the hose is next to the hole," Wolf says looking at the picture. I look and sure enough there's another flap that says "sewer hose" things are labeled correctly. I open it and start pulling the hose out. Both boys gasp and step back when they see that part of the hose is duct taped. Not a good sight for all of us. This obviously meant there was a hole that was fixed, but was it really fixed?

With the hose out we go and take the cover off the opening and some black and blue water pours out. Both boys jump back and run over leaving me on my own to do this, thanks a lot. Now two cars are waiting behind me ready for their dump. I wonder how much "black water" the big momma could hold! It's pretty easy setup, hook the hose onto the hole (me, anally double checking three times that the hose is properly locked) then comes the moment of truth, I had to trust the hose and let loose all that "number 1" and hope that it goes down the drain. I look at the boys who have taken another step back and take a deep breath and pull.

The hose inflates with all our pee and it goes past the duct taped part and into the hole! In the span of 5 minutes we're cleaned out of "black water", I then let all the "grey water" or the dish water go to clean out the hose! That's it? I wonder, what was I so worried about. As I take off the hose a little blue stuff splashes on my arm above my glove and with a gag I realize that was what I was worried about! Nothing that two gallons of hand sanitizer can take care of. The albatross is clean and ready for her trip back. The bathroom is now sealed with police tape as we have to return it empty.

I give all the people behind me a thumbs up, they smile the campground smile with a thumbs up back and we pull out of our last camping site.

"I have to go to the bathroom...." I hear my youngest say from the back.

Fish Out of Water - Off The Beaten Path

Ever had one of those moments where you realize that you are totally out of your element, and it’s pretty hilarious? I had that moment this morning.

So I drive down this windy road into the town of Bedford because the needle on the albatross is only at a quarter tank and the way this baby sucks on the gas teat, that’s only getting me as far as the end of the driveway of the campground. I pull into the first gas station I see, Frank’s Gas and Groceries! (mistake number one, I really don’t know Frank). I park the albatross and walk into the grocery store and stop.

There’s about 6 men in there, all in overalls some camoflague some not, most with either camo truckers hats but a few with cowboy hats all standing at the register chewing the fat, I mean chewing the tobacco. The all pause in what they are saying and stare at me.

Here’s what they see, the big albatross pulls up with a cruiseamerica sticker on the side consisting of kids smiling stupidly from the Grand Canyon (I’m beginning to hate those kids) that almost takes out the trash can as we pull next to the pump. Here I come in my life is good pajama pants, life is good t-shirt, Birkenstocks, and a Run Happy hat on my head with my little Sherpani wallet hanging on my hip.

Back to the silence that greets me. I figure that at this point I’m committed, the albatross would use the last of the gas trying to get out of the station so I had to get gas. “Do I pay ahead of time,’ I ask no one in particular.

“Naw, just go pump yer gas missy.” Missy? Missy? I get ready to say something but the hunting knives on the walls and the fishing lures along with ammo says, Kel just keep your mouth shut and there won’t be any banjo music. So I go and put the pump in the albatross and clean out the lunchables, pop tarts, empty bottle from spilled drinks. I come back around and there’s one of the guys standing there holding the gas pump.

“It says that you can’t leave these unattended. One lady drove off with the pump still in the car, spilt gas evrawhere.” He pulls the pump out and puts it away. Again I think what’s with the automatic shut off on the pump? I do know how to pump gas. Kel, just go with it. I go past the Boonesfarm and Wild Irish Rose to find some milk and OJ, I add in a sweet tea hoping to fit in.
I go back in to pay with my gas they are all still standing there holding cups of coffee. I look up and say, “What’s a bear checking station?” Pointing to the sign.

“They bring a bear in and we chekit,” the guy replies as he swipes my card, 80 bucks in gas for those damn smiling kids!
“Chekit?”
“Yup, they kill the bear, we check the weight and stuff.”

I leave without telling them about the Momma Bear and three baby bears I saw up at Peaks of Otter, Max wouldn’t forgive me if they got “checked”. I go out and get into my rolling advertisement and notice that they are all watching me out the window to see if I can get the RV out of the station and on the road. I’m proud to say that we didn’t take the gas pump with us and only knocked over one trash can as we hit the road!

Bears, Bridges and Buh Bye!

We woke to the sounds of silence, glad that our lantern held out for the night enjoying a cool breeze through the windows of the RV. Everyone was still feeling a little ill from the seafood buffet but it was worth it! Wolf was still talking about the lobster the next morning! Peaks of Otter on a Friday night is the ticket!

There’s signs all over the Virginia picnic grounds and campgrounds that it IS BEAR country and you need to watch what you do with your trash. As we pulled out of the campground, a bear ran in front of the RV! Max and I screamed together, then screamed again as it was followed by two cubs! Still sitting there in shock, we gasped as a third cub followed suit! Max, aka Nature Boy was so excited to see a “real bear in the wild!”

We drove into the town of Bedford for gas and a signal (see separate post, it’s that good) and got back on our way down the parkway! We stopped at Abbott Lake and took the trail around, enjoying listening to frogs sing ending up again at the Peaks of Otter Lodge! Max said it was a sign that we need to go in there for breakfast but I poo pooed that idea and we got back in the RV.

We stopped at the James River and enjoyed playing with the old timey toys of Appalachia. Wolf went to work on a nail puzzle while Max and I played with the Jacobs Ladder and other toys. Don’t you love it when someone tries to turn things into a teaching moment and the only one listening is Mom? The nice ranger and I had an in depth talk about how ingenious the mountain people were to come up with the Jacob’s Ladder and other toys to keep the children busy. When he tried to include the boys in our conversation both boys had that look of, “gee mister, we went to school for 9 months, we don’t want to learn ANYTHING this summer.” They couldn’t help but listen in.

As the mile markers ticked from 40 to 30 to 20, I asked at one Overlook if they wanted to stop for a picture, Max replied, “It looks like all the other oberlooks, mountains and mountains and mountains!” I guess in a way we were starting to get a little burnt out of all the “beautiful views!” I heard Wolf say to Max in the back, “If I hear one more time about how HARD the mountain people lived……” Made me want to take that Wii and shove it, well…..
We hit mile marker 0 and I felt exhilaration! We did it, another thing checked off of the bucket list! It felt good to finally see this accomplishment when I started out scared to death about pulling out of the parking lot! I climbed mountains, I took out construction cones, I cleaned up spills and we hit the goal we’d set. Now THAT is priceless.

Finally off the beaten path, we decided to stay in Natural Bridge, Virginia and finish up our trip with a trip to one of the seven wonders of the world! It is a wonder that we finished without killing each other so we splurged and signed up for the Monster Museum (tomorrow) the Natural Bridge and the Wax Museum. The Wax Museum for me was VERY creepy. All the mannequins in there had that serial rapist, killer, Hannibal Lecter, Jason look on their face and the real eyes staring out creeped me out. I walked through amazed that the boys weren’t creeped out at all, making sure that no one posed as a wax figure only to grab at us (more girlish scream than the June bug). The exhibit finished with the last supper complete with Jesus on the cross then the Resurrection.

Natural Bridge lived up to all it was billed, the natural rock bridge amazing as we walked under it! We followed a trail sweating our patooties off to a waterfall and back. George Washington carved his initials into the wall of the bridge and we didn’t find them until the way back when Wolfgang pointed them out. The boys loved the walk and said that this was the best day ever because they saw a bear, caught a caterpillar and found George Washington’s initials! Little things make them happy.

Finally, we started at a KOA campground and we’re ending at a KOA campground, though this spot is not as good as the first as we feel like we’re in the crooked house as the RV leans to the left. There’s a Christmas in July party and all the full timers have their RV’s decked in Christmas light while all I have to offer is one lunchable and a lantern. Oh well, we did find George Washtington’s initials. So when they start the karaoke and the first song is “I’m too sexy” it’s time for bed for our two little wonders in the world, Monster Museum awaits along with Foamhedge in the morning! Have you seen any of the natural wonders of the world?

Falling off the grid!

After leaving our “resort” campground, we figured the term resort was for the super bathrooms and washing machines plus that welcome free wifi! We started at the very spot they broke ground to start the parkway, amazed that we’d come over 200 miles and were quickly bearing down on the last leg of our trip. Once we left North Carolina and moved into Virginia, it seemed that we moved into civilization but left behind all the trappings of civilization – all cell phone reception died!

I was excited to stop at the Blue Ridge Music Museum because I love bluegrass and applachian music, I figured this would be a great place to teach my children a little about the heritage sitting only an hour away from home. Unfortunately the museum was still in building stage and there wasn’t anything there, just a harp with instructions on how to play Mary Had A Little Lamb and a gift shop. (Joy as they started on me about buying them this and that, we settled on a Blue Ridge Parkway guitar pick for Daddy.) The good part was that I was a little stressed about getting down the road and with nothing to see it made hitting the road a little earlier than usual a good idea.

Our next stop is one of my favorite parts of the parkway. We stopped at an overlook, read a sign that said easy 20 minute hike so went off into the woods. The hike looped by a cool stream and both boys started begging to cool off. I made sure neither side ended in a 40 foot waterfall and let them have at it. I love watching kids play in a stream, they looked for crayfish, salamanders, then practiced putting their faces in the ice cold water. I stuck my feet in and on the sultry day had to admit it sure did feel good! The parkway is full of these little treasures, places you can leave the world and let kids be kids and do the things you enjoyed doing as a child.

We passed Mrs. Puckett’s cabin along the parkway and this is where I am amazed that Virginia side of the parkway feels like family connected. The Southern Part was rugged, remote, not many roads off the Parkway where Virginia was full of roadside grocery stores, farms and family. As we walked up to the cabin and started reading about Mrs. Puckett, two men got out of a pickup truck and walked around the cabin too. They came up to the sign and said, “Mrs. Puckett delivered our mother, my brother and I are just fooling around today.”
Mrs. Puckett lived for 102 years in this tiny cabin, bearing 24 (yes, john and Kate plus 8) 24 children none of which lived pass infancy. I couldn’t imagine bearing 24 children, then I couldn’t imaging losing that many! So Mrs. Puckett did what she did best, she delivered 1000 babies as a midwife, the last baby delivered the year she died. What a testament to being a woman, being strong, and being alive! Then that sense of family, that everyone is connected here as the two men walked around the cabin talking to each other.

That same sense of family at Mabry Mills, a grist/saw mill. The park rangers told of the family and as they talked about Mr. Mabry they called him Uncle Ed, like he was their uncle. The families here lived in hard times but it didn’t stop their sense of kinship, that everyone was connected whether it’s Mrs. Puckett delivering babies in payment for food which she shared with others to Mrs. Mabry running his saw mill once a year to cut lumber for himself and his neighbors!

The highlight of the boys day was all the animals we saved! Max found two caterpillars, one on the inside roof of the RV! We lost that one two days ago and I guess in its desperate attempt to escape it became visible on the roof, boy he laughed about that one for a while. Then we stopped and saved a turtle from the middle of the road, finishing up our day with wild turkey sightings and deer sightings! Nature Boy as we call him, loved that day.
Wolf on the other hand loved the seafood buffett at the Peaks Of Otter Lodge! We all got a whole lobster with crab legs then all kinds of seafood-two trips to the seafood buffett then three trips to the dessert bar, I knew I’d made my money! Amazing that you could get that type of food right off the parkway!

Finally we really fell off the grid. We tried to find a campground off the parkway and ended up on a gravel road to nowhere. Both boys kept telling me that they knew it would be nice until we stopped at the Triple Oak Lodge and found a mobile home with a toilet sitting outside the front door. Back to the Parkway and here I sit back at the Peaks of Otter Campground, generator running because it’s SO HOT out there and not a since bar on the phone or computer. Still typing on the computer but disconnected from the world.

I think my “hairbrained” idea was a good one when I heard the boys sitting in the background plotting their next RV trip with the “Big Momma” and Mommy at the wheel. They both came and asked if we could drive Skyline Drive because they didn’t want the RV trip to end, chalk another one up to Mommy coming up with a great idea, now if I could just keep the refrigerator from exploding whenever someone opens it! Any other roadtrips we can put on our list of maybes?