A lesson in humanity - traffic court

I've traveled around the world, I thought I was prepared for anything.  I've squatted over the holes in the floor in Japan to do my business (now I know why they have vending machines just for tissues), I've ridden on the back of a Harley through Sydney, I've watched friends eat coagulated chicken's blood.  I thought I was well traveled, until I hit traffic court....

I got a ticket for expired registration after the sheriff whispered to me, "Probably not a good idea to pass a police officer on the highway." I could just pay the fine, but I'm cheap so I figure I could save the $160 dollars and go to traffic court.

Boy now I know why people just PAY tickets.  I arrive at court 15 minutes early and wait in my car until closer to 9am.  When I go into the courtroom, I realize that a:  it's a first come, first serve system and b: I could be getting in line a lot earlier had I known.  Then I wonder, how did all these people in here know this, are they experienced traffic court sitters?

This court room is such a huge swath of humanity that it takes me back as I sit in the line with two other people WAY TOO close on either side. I sit next to a granny who got busted for doing 91 in a 60 mile hour zone, then another woman who was in her 40s after chemo therapy for colon cancer with her 22 year old boyfriend (yes, we learn too much about each other when stuck in a court room waiting for the judge).  There's too many mullets to count, tatoos, screaming children, saggy and butt revealing pants and then there's.....the smelly dude.  This guy made me think of Pig Pen from the peanuts, remember the dude that had the black cloud that sat around him, this dude had a smell that just sat like a black cloud around him and all of us sitting around him.  As the first odor of stale shit, wafts my way,  I cursed now knowing that had I come in earlier I could be in a MUCH DIFFERENT seat.  Immediately I start breathing through my nose and notice that a few more around him are looking his way and holding their nose, OK, it's not just me.

There's those smells that you can politely dismiss, then there's those smells that are so bad you can almost taste it!  This guy's go a lime green nuclear cloud hanging over him until finally the sheriff feels sorry for us and comes over and sprays odorizer in the direction of the offender.  Our next two hours are lively as we discuss the cause of his smell, the nature of his smell, how to get away from his smell.

After two hours of living in the smell, finally he's called to the seats in the front.  All of us breathe fresh air and sigh in relief until we realize that....."Next 6 take your seats in the front...." we're back in the shit, I mean smell, really it's that close again.  We become friends in this court, joking with each other as he inches closer to the judges chambers on his his ticket is gonna go.  Everyone at this point is holding their nose around him.  FINALLY, he's called into the judges chambers.  Just like we thought, he was there a total of 3 seconds ("DISMISSED, now get out of here!) and black cloud Louie leaves the courtroom.  Several spray hand sanitizer on the seat he occupied, the Sherriff sprays Febreez in his shadow sort of like the flower girl following the bridge with the petals.  In a small way I feel sorry for the dude, maybe he was sick, nah he just needed a shower.

I get called in, my charges get dismissed in 15 seconds so I figure....$160 dollars, 2 hours of enduring Stinkmeister, equates out to $80 dollars an hour - not a bad hourly rate when you think about it.  Mullet anyone?