Childbirth. That one lie that every women tells you, “You’ll forget all about it when you hold that baby.” Luckily this is not true, God intended us to not forget about childbirth, because it prepares for other, equally harrowing adventures in a lifetime with children. Some specifics come to mind.
The Doctor’s Visit. Childbirth and all the completely humiliating doctor’s visits that accompany it prepare us for a lifetime of doctor’s visits with our children. (Yes, even some of them when they are adults) Childbirth prepares us for those first visits to the Pediatrician with a baby, when they get their first shots and exams. My child after the first checkup, immediately recognized the doctor’s office. Knowing it entailed shots, he started screaming the minute we walked through the revolving door. He continued screaming in the waiting room, in the examination room, through the entire process. The screams to my surprised got louder when the nurse arrived with the needle, after which he went back to his “normal” screams. I don’t remember any instructions from any doctor’s visit because I couldn’t hear her, all I remember was the child screaming. If I can endure monthly hour long screaming episodes, I attribute that to childbirth.
Childbirth helps us deal with getting older. Once you go through showing everything off to a group of doctors, nurses and close family members (with one of them filming) suddenly you are less conscious about your body. Childbirth also prepares you for the lifetime of people walking in on you when you are naked. It is nothing after 46 hours of labor where everyone walking into the room looks at your crotch. Makes it easier when I child walks in on you after a shower. You turn around with everything hanging out asking, “What?”
Childbirth also prepares mothers for the teenage years. Going through 36 hours of the sights and smells of giving birth makes anything coming out of your teenager’s room seem pale in comparison. Waiting, in pain, for 15 hours makes the 45 minute wait for your hot water to return after a teenager’s shower seem like a blink in time.
Childbirth is a tough experience, something I will never forget. The above are difficult, but my lessons learned in the delivery room prepared me to me a mom. The hardest most difficult experience, that I have likened to childbirth is the Chuck E Cheese experience. Not only has the joys of pregnancy prepared me for this, but the pain of childbirth made me battle ready.
Going into Chuck E Cheese with children is like being pregnant. Everyone is excited and happy in the beginning, almost kind of giddy. Like the “honeymoon stage” of pregnancy, you watch your child enjoy the rides, play the games, ordering pizza and of course at our Chuck e Cheese, beer. (remember I already gave birth) Then as time wears on, you realize that certain things are making you feel uncomfortable. Like, did you son just pickup something off the floor and eat it? Or, can someone please turn off that ride that yells “Yahoo” every 2 minutes? Yes, it is every two minutes because in your obsessiveness you’ve timed it.
Then you have to crawl through the Chuck E Cheese maze getting a stuck child out. You squeeze your fat ass through the tubes until you locate the toddler sitting and crying. Pulling him back out makes you think childbirth was a little easier. But your next experience proves you wrong.
Just like the end of a pregnancy, there is a slight bit of dread, but anticipation as you pack your bag for the hospital. In Chuck E Cheese, or in the Arcade, or anywhere kids play games, your child walks up with 4,219 tickets ready to check out. Your husband usually, watching the child come up with a wad of tickets in his hand, has to go to the bathroom at that time from too much beer (did I mention our Chuck E Cheese serves beer?) You look down at that little minion with dread as you approach the prize counter.
You are behind 4 other children picking out their prizes, knowing that waiting with the tickets they are holding, you’ve got an easy 20 minutes many longer. Knowing the desired outcome (a happy child) you can handle the wait. Then the real labor comes in.
Your child has 4,219 tickets. They first want the grand prize of a Nerf gun. The Nerf gun unfortunately costs 24,897 tickets, just a slight difference from your child’s current wad. Your husband is still in the bathroom as you explain to a crying child that they cannot have the Nerf Gun and they will have to choose another item. They start dispensing their 4,219 tickets with a 6 ticket Tootsie Roll. 4,216 tickets left. This is where your experience with labor and deliver comes into play. Luckily we can order a beer at our Chuck E Cheese as the child moves up to a 15 ticket kazoo. 4,201 tickets left. Then just like childbirth 8 hours later, you are still pushing with 157 tickets left. Here comes the final push, lean down to the child saying, "Look! The kazoo is 160 tickets, they'll give you 3 tickets!" The attendant gives it to you and everyone walks out of Chuck E Cheese cradling their newborn prizes swaddled up in a brand new bag. Of course, the kazoo disappears the minute you shut the minivan door. You endured childbirth, you’re not enduring the constant kazoo of “Hot Cross Buns” during your 15 minute ride home.
Funny though, like Childbirth you say you will never "do that again?" Well, for some reason you're back 9 months later either at the hospital or Chuck E Cheese! Welcome to childbirth, again. It is no wonder why hospital’s provide epidurals and Chuck E Cheese serve beer. Coincidence? I think not.
