Things I Miss As A Kid

My mother in law had a great quote - "Growing old is not for sissies."

I couldn't agree more, there are few things I really miss as a kid:

Buying clothes because you like what they look like, not whether or not they fit over your belly.

Running Everywhere - because you wanted to, not because you wanted to work your ass off.

  
Sleeping in on the weekends, not hearing, "Mom."  "Mom."  "Are you awake?"

Bath Tub Toys - I want something that vibrates underwater.  Not just candles around the tub.

SANTA!! - you all know that Christmas when you become that age when "underwear" is considered an acceptable gift.

Walking around the house naked - oh wait, I do that now.

Ice Cream - because my butt and my belly says it is not a good idea.

Pouting - now when I pout, my family just says, "Look, Mom's doing the duck face."

Birthday Cake - when you could bury your face in the icing and not care.  Now you complain that the Birthday Cake shot is going straight to your hips.

Little siblings you could beat up when they became annoying.  You cannot do that with your own children, who are annoying all. the. time.

Recess - wouldn't it be fun if our bosses came in and said, "That's it everyone, you need to go play outside."

Throwing a Temper Tantrum when I Don't Get My Way - now everyone in the house looks at me like, "well there she goes again," and walks away.
Playing Outside - you could spend all day outside doing nothing.  Now whenever you walk outside your yard says, "Well, are you going to do something here?"

Going on Vacation - mostly because someone else did all the packing.  Now we are the pack mule.

Chasing the Ice Cream Truck - oh the joy.  I wish they'd make a Wine Truck so all of us older women could experience that joy today.

Halloween Costumes - when I had someone ask me what my costume was and I wasn't wearing on, well, that kind of ruined it for me.

1.  My body, back when I actually pondered entering that wet T-shirt contest.  Actually thought about it.

WTF - Olympic Style

So, am I the only one glued to the TV for the Winter Olympics?  Here's my beef?

Who comes up with all the ski and snowboard names?


"Oh my God, she did a Double McCorkle, McTwist, Taco Supreme without Tomatoes and landed it with a 197560!"

What's up with the commercials?

"Let's all celebrate the 20 gold medals with a 20 piece chicken nugget box from McDonalds!"

What's up with the outfits.

"Yes, it is Team USA in their Christmas sweaters from 1980, oh wait, is that jeggings they are wearing?"

What's up with the skier from Norway outfit?

"Has anyone sent him the memo that your pants hanging down around your ankles does not make you very aerodynamic?"

What's up with the Skeleton?

"I was to strap on a speed suit, jump on a sled, and ride down a sheet of ice at 80 miles per hour," said no sane kid ever.

What's up with the accomodations?

"Yes sir, I am early to my event because I have no hot water, several stray puppies in my room and not a single pillow.

WTF - there is an actual guy named Andreas WANK  and Semen Pavlichenko.

I'll leave you with that.

It's A Given - Southern Snow

Most Southerners will tell you one of the main reasons they traveled below the Mason Dixon Line was due to weather, we want the more milder climate of the South.  So when we do get out one a winter dusting of snow here's what you can expect.

If we get snow:

The call for Armageddon hit Facebook two to three days before the actual arrival of snow.

The bread is gone from the grocery store shelves 15 minutes after the debut of the forecast.

The beer disappears even quicker.

The forecast then changes and everyone is stuck with way too much bread.   You can never have enough beer.

What falls down is more like snizzle - drizzle with a little mixture of snow.

There is a direct coorelation to whether or not they call school.  If they call school early on the account of snow it will rain.  If they do not call school, everyone will be sliding all over the place trying to pick up kids early.

If there is any sign of white on any road surface, traffic in town comes to a complete halt.  Luckily there's plenty of beer in the trunk of your car, so you don't panic.

Those that didn't believe Mother Nature are left to buying the Hard Tack Biscuits because all the bread is gone.  Worst yet, they are stuck with Bud Light Lime because all the other beer is gone as well.

Your plan of attack if there is a threat of snow and you're a Southerner?  Do what we normally do:

1.  PANIC, then talk amongst your friends on Facebook about how much you do not like snow.

2.  DRIVE POORLY - especially when trying to get to the grocery store to get beer and bread.

3.  STOCK UP - Our ABC stores are government owned - stock up early in case they are closed.

4.  SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING - because no one is going out in the snow, they've stocked up on beer and liquor and are busy on the computer talking about the snow on Facebook.

5.  WINTERIZE - I read somewhere that alcohol is a good winterizer, it doesn't freeze as quickly.

6.  LOCK AND LOAD - you are down South, you know.  Be prepared. 

WTF - Happy Birthday Facebook!

Happy 10th Birthday  Crackbook!  Here's a weekly WTF on our Favorite Social Media People.

Political Polly - you know what, I don't care.  We will never agree.  You will never sway me.  Post puppy pictures.

Debbie Downers - Sure life is hard.  Isn't that the way it is supposed to be?  Post cute kitten pictures.

ALLEN CAPS LOCK - seriously, stop yelling at us.  YES, YOU ARE YELLING!

Farmville Frannie - have you seen my backyard?  I'll look at pictures of puppies on a farm anyway.

Suzie Selfie - once a day?  I am lucky enough to remember sugar in my coffee once a day.

Tommy TMI - I am sorry you children have lice.  I do not need to see a picture of it.  Ever.  They are not puppies.

Maxine MySpace - you are so 32 seconds ago - come into the 20th century!  There's puppies here.

Harold Hijacker - listen when the status updates is about puppies, now is not the time to talk about the unemployment rate.  Unless it is unemployed puppies.

Sharable Sharon - I get so inspired by all the quotes you share every morning, said no. one. ever.

THAT family - I never knew Heaven created a family like yours.  We're busy looking at puppies.

So you have those annoying people on Facebook that beg you to HIDe them?  You know what, I did and you should see all the cute pictures of puppies in my news feed.

Who would you add?

Things that Never Go As Planned

Here's a list of things that never go as planned.



1.  That first perm - or finding out what the true definition of pubic hair by looking in the mirror.

2.  That crafty project with your children - or how did glue get THERE?

3.  Any recipe you've found on pinterest - or they must have photoshopped that 2 ingredient souffle.

4.  That First Date - who would have thought you couldn't have a conversation at a Metallica concert?

5.  The Family Vacation - or better titled - "You forgot WHAT?"

6.  Sex in a Public Place - like your bedroom because with kids that is considered public domain.

7.  A New Car - because there's always that tankard of iced tea that needs to fall on the mats within the first week.

8.  A Hot Bath - because you didn't realize 4 other people took a LONG, HOT shower ahead of you.  (AND the public place, because the bathroom is also fair game.)

9.  Your Karaoke Career - because even if you sound like Shania Twain in the shower, we know Shania Twain, and you ARE not Shania Twain.

10.  Jeggings - sounds good, feels comfortable but it is still sausage casing for your legs.

What to do if they don't go as planned.

1.  Carefully plan your Rumplestilkskin moment - specifically if you want someone to feel guilty.

2.  Reconsider your options - killing said children is NOT an option.

3.  Move to Plan B - usually including Goo Gone and Duct Tape and a bottle of tequila.

4.  Ask for input - look at everyone as if they've lost their mind.

5  Plan to never do it again, then conveniently forget the pain 3 months later and do the same cycle all over again.