WTF - How to look like a smart Mom

I thought I would share with you some terms our kids are using so you too can sound like a smart mom.

Just like me!

Yas or Yaaaassss or YAAASSSSSS  Pronounced, (ya-e-ssss)

The term Yes is now replaced with Yas when there is excitement conveyed in the statement.

Yes, I made it to my biology test on time.
YAS! Kirby said she likes you!

See the difference!

"YAS! I finally fit in my Mom Jeans!!"

***

BAE  pronounced   (B-AYE)

This has now replaced Baby or Babe because it means "Before Anyone Else."

My husband calls me BAP - "Before Pabst Blue Ribbon" I know I am special.

"Wolfgang, Bae and I are at the grocery store, do you want anything?"

***

RATCHET pronounced like it sounds, (RA-T-CHET)

This terms is used when someone's looks or behaviors are less than desirable.

"You are wearing that too school, it's too RATCHET."

***

ROAST - pronounced like it sounds, (ROA-ST)

Calling someone out in public, giving them a hard time, it now has nothing to do with the chicken in the oven.

"Your Dad roasted Uncle Greg about his shirt, then realized he had the same one on!"

***

TurnT - Pronounced (TURN-HT)

Acting crazy, having, fun being social at a party.

"Book club is meeting for a glass of wine, who knows we may get TurnT!"

***

I CAN'T EVEN pronounced as (AH-CAN'T-EVUN)

Showing disbelief or expressing revulsion to a person.

"Oh my god, Mrs. ONeal wore Cheetah Leggings to yoga today, I can't even!"

***

#BLESSED pronounced (BUH-LESSED)

This actually means you are blessed.

"Found a bottle of wine behind the Captain Crunch.  #blessed"

***

ON FIRE pronounced (ON FI-RUH)

To do something great and be unstoppable

"Did you see me dancing in the carpool line to Maroon 5, I was on FIRE!"

***

#MCM or #WCM

This is where you show your BAE love on a Monday. Literally it means, "Man Crush Monday" or "Woman Crush Monday" Some may also use it for friends they hope become a BAE.

"Why didn't you LIKE the sexy picture I posted of your Dad? #MCM"

***

T-UP pronounced (TEEE-UP)

When things are going to get a little crazy, when you are planning on getting TurnT!"

"They had my wine on sale at Costco, I'm going to T-TUP at the Shabahzi house!"

***

SORRY 'BOUT IT pronounced (SOR-E BOUGH TIT)

When you are supposed to be sorry but you are not sorry. YOLO (You only live once) usually follows this.

Dad: Mom did you really throw away my 1975 velvet shirt?
Mom: Sorry Bout It

Friend: Did I really finish that bottle of wine last night?
Mom: Sorry Bout It, YOLO

Mom to teenager, "Have you become my friend on Facebook? I'm way more RATCHET on Facebook! #SORRYBOUTIT  Son?  Son?"


And finally the emojis:

I have no idea what any of them mean.

I thought the piece of shit was a Hershey kiss.

I accidentally send a syringe because I thought it was a magic wand.

Oh, and if you see the eggplant on your child's phone this is supposed to be a certain part of the male anatomy, I'll leave that up to your imagination.

You are welcome.

WTF - Operation Produce Disappearance

Plan A is working perfectly. I'm hiding ONE piece to his ratchet set. Now to work on Covert Operation B.....

Operation Produce Section Disappearance

We are walking around the grocery store and I think, "Oh, I forgot I need Cheetos."

(OK, there are some of us that do NEED Cheetos, don't judge OK?)

I do what any normal person does, goes and gets the Cheetos.

Coming back finding cart is abandoned soI push it further through the store shopping, right?.

There he is:

Me: Why are you in the dog food aisle? We don't need dog food?

Him: I was looking for you.

Me: Why?

Him: Because you were hiding from me?

Mr: Why would I hide from you?

Him: Because that is what you do when we go grocery shopping.

Me: What? I don't hide from you, I'm just grocery shopping.

Him: Oh really? Then why couldn't I find you?

Me: Um, duh, because you were in the dog food aisle and we don't need dog food?

He takes the cart continuing into the Beer Cave, I wait with him as he compares the craft beer against his PBR.

Dang! This is ten dollars more than my PBR!

Then I remember:

"I forgot to get cheese."

Repeat scenario above.

This time he sees me with the cart at the other end of the store and decides maybe if he embarrasses me about hiding behind the dog food while he shops I won't do it anymore.

Him, shouting from one end of the store to the other, "There you are! Where are you hiding now?"

I look at him, oh, two can play at this game, so I shout across the store:

"Getting your jock itch cream!

Muwahahahaha!

Guess I better make sure the will is up to date before I move onto Covert Operation C!

WTF - My Covert Operation

My husband thinks I have some type of covert operation on him, that I am trying to drive him crazy

One day at a time.

He is convinced I'm hiding

things from him. We have this wonderful conversation looking for things:

Him: Did you put away my whatchamacallit?

Me: Why would I put away your whatchamacallit? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit.

Him: But my whatchamacallit isn't where I usually put it.

Me: Did you put it somewhere else?

Him: Why would I put it somewhere else?

Me: Because you needed it there?

Him: I only need it where I usually put it and it is not there.

Me: So where is it?

Him: That's what I am asking you?

Rinse, Repeat entire conversation from the beginning.

Usually after we spend 15 minutes following each other around the house.

Him: There it is, why is my Whatchamacallit there?

Me: I don't know, did you put it there?

Him: Why would I put it there?

Me: Because that's where it is, right?

Him: You moved it, didn't you?

Me: Why would I move it? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit. Put it where you can find it the next time.

-------------------------------------------------15 minutes later----------------------------------------

Him: Have you seen my Doohickey?

Me: Isn't it over there where you usually put it?

Muwahahahah!

So far, my evil plan is working.

WTF - But Officer!!

WTF - But Officer!

As many of you dear readers know, I moved to a very small town (total of 350 full time residents during off seasons) and no, it was not to avoid federal custody capture, but to slow down when it came to life.

Well, that didn't work.

Just ask the nice police officer who pulled me over this morning.

Right in the middle of the parkway, where all 349 people can see my white mini cooper with the blue lights flashing behind it.

Did I mention I received 10 text messages from friends within 5 minutes of getting pulled.
"Oh Kel got hit by the PoPo!"
"Do you need bail money?"
"What did you do now?"
"I heard there are a lot of cute girls in jail nowadays."
"Show him your boobs."

I love my friends.

So I thought about possibly showing my boobs to get out of the ticket, but the only people interested in those now a days is National Geographic.

The officer walks up to my car, I fluff my hair, turn off the radio (because I am respectful, "I like big butts" shouldn't be playing while I negotiate with the officer) commence looking for the necessary items (license - not fishing but driving - registration)

"Good morning Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"  Why do they always ask you that? Of course not, because I'd hit the brakes as soon as I saw your cop car because I knew I was speeding.

"Uh no, I'm sorry. I was running late to a workout class." I'm thinking, that's probably the lamest excuse from a sober person he's ever heard.

"35 MPH in a 25 MPH zone, and you went left of the line."

"Well shit, that fast?" I did hit the brakes when I saw him, how could I still be going that fast? Then I realize cussing probably is not going to help my case, maybe I should go down the boob road. But how do you get a sports bra off gracefully? Not a chance in hell.

***Of course, I'm thinking there's no one else out here, all the 349 people are either still in bed or off the mountain.

"I'm going to go run your plates." Why does this make me nervous? I'm not in Fast and Furious (well maybe in the speed department) My car is up to date, why does that line make me feel like an outlaw?

So what do I do? I snapchat a few pictures back to my friends saying:
"Cute cop, may have to show the boobs.
"Will orange look good on me?"
"Can you bring me your license, he doesn't believe the age on mine."

He comes walking back with a pad, well crap.

"I'm going to write you a warning today. I'd hate to hit a deer going that fast in your car."

A warning? I slowly lower my shirt. How did I get so lucky. I text my friends a picture of the warning.

"He said I was nice and polite and only gave me a warning," I text my friends.

"Obviously you didn't show him your boobs." One replied.

Thanks a lot.

WTF - Writing, I am your mistress....

Dear Writing:

I did you yesterday.

I did you again yesterday afternoon.

I did you while my children were watching Spongebob.

I even snuck out of bed last night and did you again.

You have no idea how much I want to do you.

You tease me when I am not in the mood, make me do you anyway.

You ask me to whip it out at the most inappropriate times of the day!

Why are you not satisfied? You're always telling me to insert this here, add some stimulation there. And then you make me feel bad because I'm just not in the mood. Well if you are limp, then it is really hard to get in the mood, you know? Sometimes you tell me I suck, and then you laugh.

When I try really hard, you won't come with me. When I try to walk away, you beg me to stay. You're always on my mind. I think of you when I'm alone. I fantasize about you when I'm supposed to do yoga? You haunt my dreams, whispering, "You need more excitement, try this." When I do, you ignore me, make me beg for more.  When I'm quiet, all I hear is, "Why just sit there when you can do me?" Why can't we be just be together, no strings attached? 

I never hear any encouragement from you, not even a "job well done" or "that was perfect, do it that way again" all I hear is your silence. Then you say, "I want more, do it again." You never hear me when I tell you my needs, not realizing everything I sacrifice to please you.  You mock me as I beg for more.

Is there no end to this relationship? Will we forever be trying? How can I make you happy?

You just demand more and more from me, begging me not to stop.

I like it.

I guess it's time to do you again.

WTF Spring Cleaning

The snow has melted, now I am confronted by the disaster of my house. You see, when the snow is on the ground there's always, "Let's go out for a few runs, I can clean up later."

Spring is here.

-----Insert sobs of despair right here.

Disclaimer: They are sobs not that ski season has ended, but now I actually HAVE TO CLEAN!

This year though, I am motivated. I started with telling the boys that they had to clutter clean their rooms. They look at me like, "What?" I say, "Go through your drawers and pull out anything you do not wear, our house is too small to hold onto anything."  (except my books and office supplies)

"Make three piles, the NOT SURE, CHARITY, and TRASH IT pile."

I come back downstairs, and there are three piles, larger than me in the middle of the downstairs floor.

Where did it all come from? Their rooms aren't big enough to hold that much shit.

What the hell am I going to do with it?

I ponder tossing a match into all three, not asking which is which and walking away.

Then I think, "I could leave the front door unlocked, posting a 'Rob Me' sign on the front door" adding, the piles are downstairs, oh, and take that pair of jeans that don't fit but I keep in case one day they finally will. Upstairs dresser, 3rd drawer down right hand side."

But we live on a pretty deserted road and I'm too lazy to post "Rob Me" adds on Craigslist, so I need better options:

Ditch the house, move out in the middle of the night? Wake up in a new town in a clean house alone?

Naw, ditch the house, move out making sure I take my box of wine under one arm and the dog under the other?

I could start in a new town, one that still has snow and is extending their season?

For some reason, I think I would miss them, there has to be another way.

Wait! I could sign us up for Hoarders, then someone else will clean my house and PAY ME to do it!  Why didn't I think of this earlier?

Sadly, we don't quality for Hoarders, I even showed them under my teenager's bed and they still turned me down!

My boys try that teenager reverse psychology on me, "You are the only on seeing this as a mess, look at it as art."

What?

I look at my wine box, thinking I could be part of the problem. I could drink a couple glasses of wine and miraculously, the piles of clothes would turn into leaf piles and we'd all have fun jumping into them?

Naw, I can't have my eyes removed, I lost my rose colored glasses, they are piles of stuff that need to go.

So I try a different approach on them,

"Listen, I think it is time to throw out everything that doesn't bring me joy." They look at me funny, I add,

"these massive piles of clothes, the three boxes of protein bars I will not eat, that bottle of Fireball,

Oh and maybe the Xbox and

TWO BOYS."

You'd be amazed at how quickly those piles of clothes disappeared.

But, wait, I have boys.

Where did they put them?

Oh look there's three massive piles of clothes hidden in the corner of the garage.

Here we go again.

WTF - Adult Coloring Books

So a few friends have told me I am WAY BEHIND on the new Adult Coloring Book phase.

"I can't believe you haven't gotten one! It is so relaxing, I can feel the stress melting away."

Me? Well, I find the same thing in my good ole glass of wine and it doesn't require the amount of energy.

"But it gives you hands something to do."

But I thought you didn't go blind from, well, never mind.......

"Think about the beautiful art you're creating, it is good for your mind."

Honey, I live in my mind all day long, I won't mention the crazy shit rolling around in there, the last thing I need is to be more creative.

"You just sit with the crayons, or markers or pencils and color!"

Sure, that sounds like your house, you don't have kids. Once I open those "special" markers someone is going to steal them, while another writes "Deez Nuts" in the middle of my Mandala.

"Think of it like meditation, like yoga Savanna."

Sure, the perfect time of my day when I go through my grocery list or wonder why Justin Bieber wouldn't get back with Selena.

Then before I can properly fight the trend, someone gives me a box of pencils and a "Bull Shit Coloring Book."

Oh.

I never realized how much fun it was to color that beautiful, "F*ck You" page.

Oh, did I mention there are cute kitten pages?

Yes, I feel the stress melting away.

This is perfect. I'm just getting started on this one.

In case you need your own curse word coloring book for your mental stimulation, you can order it right here.

http://www.amazon.com/Sweary-Coloring-Book-Colouring-Kittens/dp/1522918485

Oh and F*ck you, I'm drinking my glass of wine while coloring.