WTF - Wellness Exam

The docs over at Grandfather Clinic did some type of bait and switch on me.  I planned my morning thinking the kiddos were getting a 15 minute flu shot.  (I know, many people say this doesn't help at all, but whatever)

We checked in, and the receptionist handed me a book resembling the Dictionary.

"Is this the Dictionary of Medical Terms?" I asked.
"No, it's the paperwork you have to fill out for their Wellness Exam." She replied looking at me like, "lady your joke isn't funny at all."

"I'll need each paper filled out for each child."  Goodbye Pisgah National Forest.

Finally, we sit with the doctor, he starts with, "We are doing a Wellness Exam, let's start with a few behavior questions OK?"  I'm thinking, "Uh oh, this could be the social services stuff nightmares are made of. I didn't school them on the we are five servings of fruits and vegetables, no sugar, vegan, gluten free range type of family."

The first question, "Do you feel sad sometimes?"  My son of course says, "Yes."  I'm thinking, don't say yes, they will think you have depression. Then I argue in my head, doesn't everyone feel sad sometimes?  Seriously, the answer should be yes.  I mean I never got my second cup of coffee this morning and I'm sad thinking about that. The doctor asks my son what he feels sad about, he simply says, "I don't know."

"I don't know?" Oh we are so going to fail this Wellness test.

"How about sitting still, do you have a problem with sitting still?" Really?  He's a boy, they all have problems with sitting still. My son is smart enough saying, "Not really. I do like running."  Good answer sweetie.

"Do you do after school activities?" They both shake their heads, don't they realize I'm a Mom Fail if they are not active? Wrong answer. The doctor rewords it, "Do you have friends?" I'm laughing thinking, real or imaginary? Both say yes, then look at me like, "what does after school activities have to do with friends?" I just shrug.

"Do you participate in Sports?" I'm beginning to think we are the lame family, as we are not answering any of these questions correctly. My son makes me feel better, asking, "Does snowboarding and mountain biking count?" Add a few points to the Melangs, we have this questionnaire down!

"How many sugary drinks do you drink a day?" He looks over to me, knowing if he answers correctly the doctor will tell him that is too much I'll be cutting back on the drinks. I see the wheels turning, his mind saying, "What is an appropriate amount of sugar drinks?" He looks at the doctor, "3, I think?" The doctor nods, good answer honey, we are halfway through the questionnaire.

"Are you a picky eater?" He asks, I immediately answer in my head, "not when it comes to different types of candy." My son looks over to me, "I like eating cereal." Great job, you didn't specify what type of cereal, he doesn't have to know it is Sugar Pops.

Then we move onto the easy ones, "How many bowel movements do you have?" My son looks at me, we've never called it a bowel movement, we poop. "Pretty much daily, he's pretty regular," I answer as my son's face turns red.

Luckily for us, I think we answered all the questions correctly because no one from Social Services was waiting at the entrance to the Pediatrician's office as we left. I ask the older son, "What did you answer on that test?"

He looks at me, "Mom, you saw the big CONFIDENTIAL on the folder right?"

So we eat our veggies, are sad sometimes, not in any after school sports, like to mountain bike and snowboard and poop on a regular basis.

Thank God that questionnaire was not for me!!

WTF - Pepe le Pew Part Deux

How long was the little bugger waiting in the backyard?

Did he know that I was on duty for carpool today?

Was he laughing as I let the dog out at 6 o'clock in the morning?

Because as I was working on packing lunches, a smell hit my nose.

Is that what I think it is?

Why is it so powerful?

It is that type of smell grabbing you by the throat, slapping you a few times , then heading off to do the same thing to your Momma.

"Where's the dog?" I yell down to kids. Silence makes me feel a real dread. I don't like dread at 615 in the morning.

Opening the door, the dog saunters in, lucky in that A, she is cute, and B, my nose is stopped up due to allergies.

Not to be.

That smell, the one that brings tears to your eyes.  Yes, she had that smell.

Shawnee found Pepe Le Pew in the yard coming back with that beautiful mountain perfume.

She was proud.  So proud of her smell that she decides us chasing her around the house is much more fun than chasing the skunk 15 minutes earlier, that maybe we are jealous of her smell, wanting to rub it off on us.

It is pandemonium chasing her through the house.  Downstairs, then back up stairs before pinning her in the kitchen.  She seems to find every piece of cloth in the house on her way, rubbing her skunkified body all over it. Bed, couch, bed, bed, shower curtain.

But we still had school, what to do?

Dog thrown in the garage, kids thrown in the car, lunch thrown in the boxes.  Out the door.

We pick up carpool and the first words out of the kid's mouth, "What is that smell?"

Pepe?  Did you follow us? I look around nervously. Then I realize it is me.

Funny after chasing the dog around the house, you get used to skunk smell, that for a second I'm thinking, "Well it doesn't smell THAT bad."

I drop everyone off at school marveling that I made it on time despite the obstacles in my way.  I'm heading back home when my phone beeps,

"Mom, they are calling me skunk boy at school. I smell like skunk."

Pepe, you got your revenge on the teenager, now didn't you?  What to do?  "I'll be right back to pick you up."

I take him home for a shower and change of clothes, figuring by the time I take him all the way back to school, I'd just take a nap in the parking lot before bringing him back home again.

He helps me with cleaning the house, his phone rings, he disappears, coming out a few minutes later.

"My girlfriend broke up with me."

I stop what I am doing because despite the perpetual smell in the house, this really stinks.

I am grateful that he is home when all this goes down. For a second, I am glad that Pepe skunked my pup, because break ups don't go well with third and fourth period in High School.  I realize I am not good with this teenage boy stuff and have a long road ahead of me.

In case you are wondering, Febreeze works well when a skunked dog decides jumping across your bed is a good idea. Wash the dog with Dawn dishwashing detergent, baking soda and hydrogen peroxide rather than tomato juice - save that for the Bloody Mary.

Finally, picking up the second child from Middle School, I am grateful Pepe didn't get his skunk revenge,  listening to my child telling you how funny everyone telling him he stunk,  calling him "Pepe Le Pew." What a difference hormones make.....

You know what, I think I'll save the tomato juice in case Pepe comes back, skip the Bloody Mary and call it a day.

Oh, did I mention Pepe left me a nice gift on the front steps of my house. With all the other smells coming out of my house, I can safely say skunk shit doesn't stink.

WTF - Man Caught as the Florida Foot Sniffer

This is an actual news story.  Want to learn more about the foot sniffer?

Then click HERE

A foot sniffer.  No really, he was caught sniffing feet?

*Disclaimer: I am also guilty of foot sniffing. Sometimes when I put on fresh socks I sniff my feet because they smell so good. I am also guilty of gauging how bad my feet smell when I take off my shoes with a casual sniff.  I am in no way a professional foot sniffer, or criminal foot sniffer.

"A man was caught crawling under the table sniffing a female's feet...."

I can only imagine:

"Carol, what's that noise?"

Gale, "Is that sniffing?"

Carol looks to Gayle, "Are you sniffing me?"

Gayle, "No, I thought you were sniffing me? I put on deodorant."

Carol, "I'm not sniffing anything."

Gayle, "Me neither.  Wait, who's the dude under our library table?"

He's lucky these girls had great hygiene practices because if this poor soul sniffed my feet, he'd pass out, getting caught right away. I think my feet smell like petunias, he wouldn't be able to stand let alone get away on his scooter.

Crime Stoppers put out a bulletin warning students of FIU of a person "crawling underneath a tables in a suspicious manner." Obviously, this man did not drop his pencil. How would you define a "suspicious" manner?

Also, did anyone notice that he ran off on a scooter? Possibly a liquor cycle? Hence the foot sniffing? How long did it take the police catching him on a SCOOTER?

Policeman, "Earle, there's so many people on scooters out here, which one is the sniffer?"

Partner, "That one, on the red scooter, he looks like a foot sniffer to me."

If you look at his mug shot, clearly he looks like a scooter riding, foot sniffing derelict.

Of course it took the helicopter, Sky 10 to chronicle the epic chase of the foot sniffer on the scooter.

Only in Florida, my friends.  Only in Florida.

Alone Time - What?

The transition from homeschool back to public school did not come without a caveat.

Sure this getting up at 5am is killing me, but someone has to do it.

Sure, getting them to bed early every night is a battle. I fixed it, I decorated their rooms looking like classrooms, they fall asleep the minute they walk in them.

Sure, I'm making lunches EVERY single day, sometimes throwing a cheese stick and apple in there.



Sure, I'm dealing with the extra time in the mirror for my eldest because there are GIRLS at school.

But guess what?

I drop them off it's, it's

quiet.

Like, no one complaining about my Classic Rock station (since when did all my childhood songs end up on the Classic Rock station?  About the same time all my childhood toys end up in the antique store)

No fighting over the front seat.

No dueling songs on phones.

Silence.

At first it was unnerving, I wasn't used to conversations with myself again. I wasn't used to thinking uninterrupted. I wasn't used to going to the bathroom with the door open and not worrying about someone screaming.

I was supposed to miss them, right?

Now I feel guilty.

Making myself feel better involved:

A hot cup of coffee consumed before it got cold while reading the morning paper.
A trip to the bathroom without someone banging on the door.
A hot shower long enough setting off the alarms at the local reservoir.
Reading People Magazine on the toilet without someone walking in on me.
Walking around the house naked because I can. (Do not drop by for coffee before 9am)
Breakfast of Salted Caramel Dark Chocolate.
Actually applying makeup.

I think I could get used to this. I have to, there's another 165 days left in the school year.

What do you do with your "alone" time?  Do you have "alone" time?

School Lunch - What are your kids throwing away?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a nutritionist. These are my suggestions. If you are a nutritionist, then stop reading now.

Without you realizing it, your child has a lot of control over what they eat for lunch at school.  Whether you pack a lunch for them, or they bring the tray from the cafeteria what stays in front of them and what ends up in the trash is truly their decision.  I used to think that cafeteria lunches were the easiest option (for me) until I went for lunch with my son in elementary school.

What I saw on the tray was not the most appetizing meal, sure it had some nutritional value (the pizza was on whole wheat crust) but I was appalled watching almost every single one of the children throw away the fruit on their tray.  Why?  Because served with today's lunch was an orange.

Not cut, not peeled, just an orange.

What is an elementary school child to do with this?  I watched some bite into it, grimacing at the sour taste, while others just rolled it on the table in front of them.  So I decided, I had to make something they would actually eat.  How do you determine what a child will eat at lunch?

1.  It has to be easy. Lunch time for children is a socialization time.  Their mind is not focused on their food, it is free talking with their buddies!  Make sure everything in the lunch box is a no brainer, easy to open, something they don't have to look at and wonder what it is.

2.  Make it edible.  If you are adding an apple, take a minute at home cutting it up.  This makes it easier during lunch time, most children do not have the attention span of eating an entire apple.  I usually cut half for the lunchbox, half for me.  That way the entire apple is eaten. Melons should be cut into bitesize chunks, packing the silverware does not mean they will use it, smaller chunks keep chins and such from getting sticky when biting into a larger piece of fruit.

3.  Crusts or to not crust the sandwich.  There was a 2002 study stating that the cancer fighting antioxidants baked into bread were 8 times greater in the crust, then there was my mother saying "If I ate the crust my hair would turn curly."  Just remember, if your child does not like the crust, leaving it on means they will take two to three bites of the INSIDE of the sandwich leaving the rest, cutting the crust means the entire sandwich is eaten. Or, if there isn't a crust debate in your home, don't even start one, leave the crust on.

4. Watch your sugar. Most times, the largest amount of sugar in the lunchbox is in the drink.  Many schools do not allow soft drinks in lunches, but watch the sugars of non carbonated drinks.  Remember that some energy drinks contain caffeine and sugar, meant to be used during or after a workout, not when sitting and eating lunch. One of the easiest things to get down my children is the flavored water, the best would be just water, but we're still working on that battle. One of the benefits of the cafeteria is fresh milk daily, another great choice for your child.

5. Make it fun. I've seen to the completely off the board healthy lunches, where every child is looking in the box saying, "What is that?" Don't single your child out with an over the top lunch, they may not eat it because of the ribbing from friends.  I'm not saying to not have fun. My one son loves sushi, so one morning I tossed that in his lunch! He came home from school laughing at all his friends "ewwing" that he was eating fish!

6. Add in the tradable.  Some schools do not allow trading items from lunch boxes but if yours does, I always add in the small sweet "tradable" treat. If you have the time, make those chocolate chip cookies at home with your child, if you can't add in something small and sweet - gummies, cookies, cake. This is a fun time of lunch when everyone evaluates what the other has and in some cases, trades around.

7. Your thermos is your lifeline. Most children will eat sandwiches, but consider the benefit of investing in a nice thermos. Anything left over from dinner can be lunch the next day.  Monday is my soup making day, I'll make two types of soups and put them in the thermos during the week  Sometimes if I have nothing in the house, I can heat up a frozen meal (my children like chicken fried rice) and throw that in the thermos.  The only problem I have with thermoses is when they are forgotten at school for a week and of course I'm in charge of the hazmat material.

Finally, if you want, leave them that note of encouragement.  Most elementary school children love finding a note in their lunch box, Middle and High School they say they don't, but I beg to differ.  I misspelled a word on a joke I wrote on a note and my High Schooler called me on it!

Remember, lunch is the middle refueling of your child's airplane, make good choices and they will fly through the second half of their day with a full tank!

Oh Happy Day! Some Targets allow wine drinking while shopping!

Target!  You did it again!

You read my mind!  First Chuck E Cheese serves beer, and now Target serves wine!

Click here for the story!

Wait a minute.  Do you have an ulterior motive?

Are you serving us wine so we're in a good mood?

Not yelling at our children?
Saying yes to the $80 professional Tech Deck mini skateboard ramp?
Stumbling through the dollar section and spending a mortgage payment?

If you are going to serve wine, then be prepared Target:

Make sure all the karaoke machines are out of batteries.
Hide the light sabres.


Do put out the box set of Pretty Little Liars, it will well out in an hour.

Put a box of tissues in every dressing room, especially during summer and bikini season.

Prepare for beds to be used, and chairs, and cots, and towels.

Order extra boxes of chocolate bars, potato chips and of course, ice cream.

The above items will usually come down the conveyor belt empty.

Create a lounge area out of sale furniture, it will be used that way anyway.

There will be "clean up in aisle 3" followed by "clean up in aisle 4" followed by "clean up in aisle 5"

Add extra employees, you'll find lots of abandoned shopping carts full of Massimo clothes we don't need.

Best of all, prepare for an increase in sales, because drinking and Target shopping are like being hungry and grocery shopping!

Looking for something to do? Beech Mountain Mile High Kite Festival

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

-song lyrics from "Let's Go Fly a Kite" from Mary Poppins.

There is nothing more fun or more relaxing, depending on how you look at it than the Mile High Kite Festival of Beech Mountain, NC.  At 5506' above sea level, Beech Mountain is the highest incorporated town east of the Rockies.  So when you fly a kite on this mountain, it is over a mile high!

Every Labor Day weekend, families enjoy the opening of The Meadows of Beech Mountain for a Kite Festival, not just  for flying kites.  The festival includes:

50 crafters and artisans for browsing.

A Kids Fun Zone with activities

Free Kites to the first 150 people

Certificates celebrating flying a Kite a Mile High (I could insert a joke in here, but choose not to)

Food, Music and of course FUN.

Richmond Air Force, Wings Across Carolina Kiting and Okra Society Kiting Clubs will have kiting demonstrations and techniques along with amazing displays.  Contest for best decorated kites and other fun activities fill the day.

Don't have a kite?  You can always purchase a kite from the vendors at the festival, or if you are the first 150, you'll get a free kite to decorate.  If you remember to stop and pickup a kite along the way, you're ensuring you don't arrive at the Meadows with nothing to fly.

I love getting there early, there are a lot of people in one place trying to fly a kite.  My sons and I setup camp along the edge of the meadows, that way there isn't too many people to run into.  Biggest thing to remember during this festival is that there are a ton of kids trying to fly a kite, and all of them will be running up and down the Meadows not sure what to do.  See it as a fun day, don't worry if your kite string gets tangled 1,432 times, or you accidentally run over the 3yr old trying their best.  Better yet, let everyone else fly their kites and sit and people watching, best free entertainment you can ask for. If you are looking for smaller crowds, try at the very beginning of the festival or towards the end.

If you tire of the festival, live music at Eastern America's Highest Bar, 5506, located at the top of Beech Mountain Ski Mountain starts at 330pm.  Food and drink are also available, but the view is what you will talk about on your drive home.

Local restaurants for a relaxing lunch include Brick Oven Pizza, Bullwinkles Pizza, Beech Alpen Inn, Fred's General Mercantile Deli, Fast Eddies, and Mile High Tavern.  Food and drink are also available at the festival.

Most hotels in the area offer lodging, there are still cabin rentals available (with discounts available), or just make a day trip out of it.  If you decide to stay the long weekend, Beech Alpen Inn offers live music on Sunday evening starting at 5pm.  Take a hike along the Emerald Outback, or sit beside Lower Pond Creek listening to the water flow.  Either way with highs in the 70's and lows in the upper 50's after our heatwave this summer, Beech Mountain is going to feel good!

So think about a day trip to fly a kite.  Get up early and plan your drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway, stop for a few sights, then head up the mountain.  You'll see the festival right away, meaning you'll see the kites right away.  Leave with a certificate celebrating your Mile High Kite journey, then plan another trip back when the leaves change.

Details for the Kite Festival are located here.

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

-song lyrics from "Let's Go Fly a Kite" from Mary Poppins.